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To ask what you'd do if you DH changed his mind on second child?

(19 Posts)
fairybeagle Sun 17-Mar-19 11:43:24

Before we got married we discussed kids and how many we'd like, I (now hilariously) said 4!! We then chatted some more and decided on two.
We've since got married and had our first who is now 16 months. DC is very high needs and although I've loved every minute and wouldn't change him for the world, it is more exhausting than I/we ever imagined.
DH now says he doesn't really want any more kids. I do, even though I think I'm probably mad to.
What would you do in this situation?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:46:38

Wait a little bit to see if DS gets any easier, time will lessen how much hard work he’s been and DH might soften in his views.

Just ask him if you can talk about it again in the future so it’s a definite no.

PotteringAlong Sun 17-Mar-19 11:48:14

The thing is, there’s no compromise on this one. So the question is, really, are you prepared to leave him because of it?

YetAnotherThing Sun 17-Mar-19 11:48:53

^^ this

You’re in the thick of it. Kids get easier (but trickier in different ways, depending on how they age!!). Agree to Discuss again in a year or two.

Merryoldgoat Sun 17-Mar-19 11:49:32

I’d wait BUT if I changed my mind I’d hope my partner would understand so I’d try to do the same.

Ultimately I don’t want to have half siblings so I’d only have the one anyway. It depends on your priorities.

My first DS was very hard work - it took 4 years before we tried for a second.

The second has been harder.

mowglik Sun 17-Mar-19 12:05:47

My DH said the same when dc1 was around that age. We’re now trying for no.3. I think it’s probably the wrong time to discuss it, unless you want to start trying now. Leave it and come back to the topic when dc is a bit older

Stinkytoe Sun 17-Mar-19 12:09:15

My DH didn’t want to have DC2 but came round to the idea, we ended up with twins and now he’s begun suggesting DC4.

It hurt a lot when he didn’t want the second child I was so keen to have but at the end of the day I considered my family with him and our DC more important than a possible second DC with someone else in the future. I respected his deduction, didn’t nag about it and was fortunate enough that as our DC got older he changed his mind.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 17-Mar-19 12:10:20

Wait a bit.

Then let him know that it would eventually be a dealbreaker for you, and give him time to mull that over.

There isn't a compromise here. And while he's not being a monster to change his mind, it#s perfectly fair for you to then let him know that what he might actually be choosing between is another child in the family or separation/divorce.

That is not unfair on your part if that's how you feel.

Alwaysthesun Sun 17-Mar-19 12:20:01

This exact same scenario did happen to me. It broke my heart. I don't think my husband ever really understood or wanted to understand the effect on me. He never changed his mind. He found the early years very hard. He also had a child from a previous relationship so felt complete with two.

I felt a little deceived and misled. And other things...

With time I learned to live with it. And I fully have come to terms with it now. Well as much as I can. It never totally goes away.

Getting to the age that I could no longer have children was hard as it was like I had to grieve it again - quietly by myself.

Heulog Sun 17-Mar-19 12:23:46

I was kinda like the DH in this situation.
Agreed to 2 DC's before marriage, had a realisation that life with one baby is hard and decided I didn't want any more. I eventually changed my mind (probably hormonal when I got back to ovulating etc) but it would have been really shitty of my DH at the time to say 'agree to another child or I will leave'. Telling a partner to agree to another child or your on your own is pretty manipulative IMO.

2birds1stone Sun 17-Mar-19 12:36:36

My dh wanted 2 then changed mind after the 1st. She only started sleeping through (until 5am) at about 15 months so it was hard.

We then had a minor scare and both realised it wouldn't be a bad thing if it wasn't a scare... turned out to be a false alarm but now both want a 2nd.

He could change his mind , give him time. However men don't seem to get the urge we have to carry a baby and hold a newborn.

Must admit dh would be glad if we could skip the first year until they dc becomes more fun grin

EmrysAtticus Sun 17-Mar-19 12:46:25

I always wanted 3 and DH wanted 2 and then we had DS who was a nightmare baby. Fortunately we both changed our mind so it hasn't been an issue. If however only DH had changed his mind I wouldn't have broken up an otherwise happy existing family for the sake of a hypothetical child. You could end up breaking up your family only to find that you don't meet someone else you want to have a child with or find that you can't conceive again anyway.

Maneandfeathers Sun 17-Mar-19 13:13:35

I changed my mind about number 2.

Thankfully DH agrees and is grateful for what we have, why break up a happy family with DC1 for imaginary DC2.

sendinallthesheep Sun 17-Mar-19 13:16:36

I have a DD, 20 months and I don't want another, DH would (We planned on 1 or 2). I'm trying to stay open minded and haven't ruled a 2nd out completely. We've agreed to revisit later in the year.

I would be seriously unimpressed if DH prioritised his desire for another child over his existing child though, and left us because of it.

TriciaH87 Sun 17-Mar-19 19:18:59

It is tough. I have one child from before met partner one together. Both boys. He always said wanted another when our son was little so did i. Then he said when his about 10. I was not impressed but said nothing. His now almost 9 and partner does not want more but i would love another.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 17-Mar-19 19:55:38

I was in this position. Wed agreed 'kids' but both found the first a lot harder than we expected however I think I could more easily see it being a small proportion of our life if this makes sense.

We had a talk and he didn't want to and we agreed to leave it for 6 months. Then had another talk and while I said I'd never give him an ultimatum, it would be something I'd probably struggle with for a long time, as it's changing the future you imagined for you and for your first child.

After a couple more months he did change his mind so we had a second just with a larger age gap than I'd have liked. However looking back it was more 'grudgingly agree' and I'm not sure it was the best thing to do if I'm being totally honest. I think he took longer to bond with this baby and when times were hard in the first few months there was definitely an element of 'well you wanted this...'. Now she is over 1 things are much better and I don't get the impression he regrets it (which I did a bit at first though he denied it) so it seems to be working out but it could easily have gone the other way.

Also, we thought the first was hard work...the second was much harder. Slept worse, ate worse, caught more illnesses, more feeding issues etc etc.

Tunnockswafer Sun 17-Mar-19 19:58:30

I couldn’t contemplate another baby till the first one was at least 2. Wait a bit.

Fatted Sun 17-Mar-19 20:05:02

Our eldest was an absolute bloody nightmare until about a year old and neither of us had any intention of having a second baby when he was little! If it's any consolation, our second baby was much easier!

He might change his mind when DC gets older. He might not. You have to decide how much of an issue it is for you and if it's really worth tearing your family apart for the sake of it. I don't think he's intentionally being unreasonable in changing his mind. It's easy to say you'll have loads of kids until you actually face the cold, hard reality of having children. And I don't blame anyone who changes their mind about having more once they've actually had one because it is a complete and utter shell shock.

Chocolateheaven123 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:02:48

Even though we agreed on 2, after DS was born, DP definitely went through a spell of hesitation. Eventually he came around and I'm now 7 months pregnant with #2. DP is definitely excited for the new baby, but I also think he'd have been content with just 1. He dotes on our little boy and I think he's a bit worried about the change in dynamics to our family (he's an only child himself, whereas I have siblings).

If he was adamant he didn't want anymore, I'd be upset but would eventually accept it and move on. I definitely wouldn't split up our otherwise happy family for a possibility of another imaginary child.

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