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To be angry and distressed at the amount of harassment my fourteen year old daughter faces?

(288 Posts)
Saggingninja Sun 17-Mar-19 11:37:35

A small sample. She's been harassed on a bus by a man in his thirties when she was in her school uniform. Nobody intervened. She was followed slowly down a street by a man in a car, but when she turned to take a photo of his licence plate, he drove off. She was asked for a 'date' by a man who was 'in his fifties'. When she pointed out she was only fourteen he smiled and said 'he didn't mind.' And yesterday on the train with some friends, she noticed this man filming them. When she turned to face him, he stopped and moved away.

My daughter is confident and I've told her not to be afraid of telling anyone harassing her to fuck off or to loudly remind them that she's underage. I put up with so much crap when I was a teenager out of fear of being rude. But I'm so angry and distressed that this happens so often. Nothing has changed has it?

DangermousesSidekick Thu 21-Mar-19 20:14:22

For me the worst offenders were what they used to call 'youths' - older teens, early twenties.

Shamoogren Thu 21-Mar-19 06:50:27

i cut my hair and wore minimiser bras from the age of 15. For me, it wasn't particularly older men who were leering , that I noticed - it was the constant objectifying commentary from boys my own age.

rosenylund Wed 20-Mar-19 23:54:55

DangermousesSidekick yes yes and yes. I also feel weird about the poster who said their dh as a cyclist has some experiences of this . No he doesn't . The insults he receives aren't down to his genitals, they're down to him being a cyclist. Once he gets off the bike it's over,. and I bet he's not being asked for blowjobs , asked about his tits or spat at when he rebuffs demands.

DangermousesSidekick Wed 20-Mar-19 20:47:47

I skipped a few pages, then saw this.

pb083 *Men commonly shout abuse from moving cars and buses

Do they? Really? I'm not saying it doesn't happen but it's not exactly 'common' is it?*

Christ on a bike, RTFT. Yes it does, to women, all the fucking time. That's what we are telling you, and we are telling you that men do not intervene. This is our reality, not yours, our experience. This is what happens. Who the hell do these men think they are to tell us that what we experience happening, is not happening? They make me despair. Women should just set up our own country.

LilQueenie Wed 20-Mar-19 15:40:17

self defence would help as it would teach how to get out of many types of physical attacks. dp does martial arts and he taught me.

MsTSwift Wed 20-Mar-19 14:44:44

Not sure what a self defence class would add? You need to teach them to be mentally strong - that it’s not about them or anything they have done it’s the problem of these sick little men and their sick toxic foul masculinity culture which we do not want to be part of. We are a million times the people they will ever be.

AmIBU123 Wed 20-Mar-19 14:22:50

Thisnamechanger Some girls value their looks based on the attention received by men - even the wrong attention - and to be harassed more than your friends results in being the most attractive. It's very sad but I can imagine it's very common. I hope to raise my girls to see harassment for what it really is. Things really will never change sad

CalmDownPacino Wed 20-Mar-19 14:19:40

Wondered how long it would take for a man to show up and tell us because he'd not experienced it, that we were wrong. Does a siren go off somewhere alerting these chumps?

The idea that it's a minority of men is laughable.

CalmDownPacino Wed 20-Mar-19 14:12:38

Things definitely haven't improved, they've become worse. It was bad enough when o was a teenager in the 90s but now, it's like a gauntlet for the girls walking home from school, in their uniforms. There's a car wash on my daughter's walk home and none of the girls will walk past alone. In casual conversation they call it "the paedo carwash". I've lost my rag and shouted things at the filthy animals who work there, but it makes no difference.

I got punched in the face two years ago for saying "she's 14 you nonce" to a man who made sexual comments to my daughter. This was in the middle of town, walking up the high street, on a Saturday afternoon.

Ohyesiam Wed 20-Mar-19 13:49:47

Would your dd do self defence or martial arts? There is a type of jujitsu that is the best for self defence( you’d have to research it, sorry, I can’t remember which one).
She sounds confident, but this would be another strong to her confidence bow.
What situation was she in when the man in his 50 s asked her out? envynot envy

sagradafamiliar Wed 20-Mar-19 13:45:49

Yep, my mum used to beam with pride if it happened whilst with her. She'd say I was lucky.

Thisnamechanger Wed 20-Mar-19 13:15:45

I had a friend who actually smiled whenever she was verbally harassed and as we got older would think being slapped on the arse was flirting

We did this as teenagers - I did a post about it up-thread - It was sort of a competition between us sad

AmIBU123 Wed 20-Mar-19 12:28:16

I don't mean to blame here btw but I had a friend who actually smiled whenever she was verbally harassed and as we got older would think being slapped on the arse was flirting. I believe she was brought up to believe that being harassed meant she was beautiful (which she was) and would take it as a compliment. I became the angry defensive friend because I could not stand it. It's sad how some girls and raised.

AmIBU123 Wed 20-Mar-19 12:25:06

Gosh this makes me so angry. I started fearing for my eldest DD as soon as I discovered I was having a girl. Now I have two!

Haven't seen the post where someone has said it's not that common. Wth?! Every female I know has gone through this. As a teenager my friends and I often relayed to one another how we were harassed again. It's never going to change is it.

BlooperReel Wed 20-Mar-19 12:16:49

I am so angry that nothing has changed, years of women trying to highlight that this shit goes on, peadophile rings busted, the #metoo movement, nothing has changed at all.

I have had near on daily levels of harassment since the age of about 12, and that is not an exaggeration. I can rarely leave the house without at least one cat call, whistle or comment.

One of the more extreme incidents: I was on a night out, walking arm in arm with my husband, when a drunk man slapped my backside so hard I almost fell over, and would have hit the deck if I hadn't been holding on to my husbands arm. His friends tried to justify it with 'he is drunk, he didn't mean to hit so hard' WTF. There are no boundaries when it comes to men's lust.

KaliforniaDreamz Wed 20-Mar-19 11:54:25

IM0GEN there is a current thread running on this grin

sagradafamiliar Wed 20-Mar-19 08:31:24

It's either ignorance or plain old unsurprising misogyny. Ignorance much like when a man says 'smile love' and then basks in the smugness of thinking 'she won't have heard this line before, aren't I the maverick' not thinking for one second that we've been hearing that particular tedious command pretty much all our lives.
Or the misogyny of thinking we should 'just loosen up'.

IM0GEN Wed 20-Mar-19 07:55:46

That’s why they don’t call it out , isn’t it ? Because they “ don’t see it “. Or it’s “ none of their business “. Or they “consider it a compliment “. Or they were not there the minisclue amount of times that it actually happens .

Now I have to dash. I’m off to a support group for black people to tell them that they are imagining or over stating racism. I’m sure they will find the perspective of a white person to be invaluable.

Barrenfieldoffucks Wed 20-Mar-19 07:02:26

11 pages of women and sharing experiences + one man saying those experiences are either rare or didn't happen. Figures. 🤦😂

Catsinthecupboard Wed 20-Mar-19 02:13:23

If i catch a grown man staring at my daughter's bottom, i catch his eye, stare right at him and step btwn them.

I've never had one do anything but fade away. But i have a very deadly glare. Mostly bc when i scowl, i let my anger show.

The orher thing i do is reach my purse or bag and hold it up. Shielding her. I don't try to be polite or discreet.

I want them to know:
1) it is unacceptable

2) i might be small and old but they will not have an easy time if they dare try snything.

I've scowled away some pretty nasty people. Men and women. Unwanted attention is unwanted attention.

ScarletBitch Tue 19-Mar-19 21:31:43

I would take a photo of each disgusting man who approached her then take it to the Police. Your poor daughter.

PuntasticUsername Tue 19-Mar-19 20:55:54

Sorry if this has already been posted, I haven't RTFT, but it seems to fit quite well at this point.

Sarcelle Tue 19-Mar-19 20:25:35

I love it that a man has come on and said that he has never witnessed any of this. Yes dear, we are all making it up. So is everybody on the Everyday Sexism website. The beauty of that site is it doesn't just detail sexual harassment it also has many examples of mansplaining and misogyny. Us women are complete fantasists aren't we?

Madmarchpear Tue 19-Mar-19 17:35:41

I have caught a few dirty old men double taking and staring at my 6 year old. Fucking animals.

IC4nSeeYourPixels Tue 19-Mar-19 17:32:25

This is a good piece about men not calling out other being seen as approval

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