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To be angry and distressed at the amount of harassment my fourteen year old daughter faces?

(288 Posts)
Saggingninja Sun 17-Mar-19 11:37:35

A small sample. She's been harassed on a bus by a man in his thirties when she was in her school uniform. Nobody intervened. She was followed slowly down a street by a man in a car, but when she turned to take a photo of his licence plate, he drove off. She was asked for a 'date' by a man who was 'in his fifties'. When she pointed out she was only fourteen he smiled and said 'he didn't mind.' And yesterday on the train with some friends, she noticed this man filming them. When she turned to face him, he stopped and moved away.

My daughter is confident and I've told her not to be afraid of telling anyone harassing her to fuck off or to loudly remind them that she's underage. I put up with so much crap when I was a teenager out of fear of being rude. But I'm so angry and distressed that this happens so often. Nothing has changed has it?

StephsCaddy Sun 17-Mar-19 12:24:48

Was the same for me when I was that age (I’m mid 40s now)
It’s upsetting that it is still happening. We seem to have made absolutely no progress in this area.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 17-Mar-19 12:25:28

MeAgain, what do you mean, "Not the child's fault (usually)"?

Please explain because to me, it's NEVER the child's fault.

justilou1 Sun 17-Mar-19 12:26:37

My 14 year old is petite, blonde and unfortunately has big boobs. She deliberately dressed like the queen mum because she loathes the unwanted male gaze from grubs like this. She isn’t remotely emotionally ready for the comments or feelings elicited from them.

Pinkbells Sun 17-Mar-19 12:26:47

You need to phone the police! The one who said he 'didn't mind' she was 15 was a paedophile!

bobstersmum Sun 17-Mar-19 12:27:53

@meagainagain you sound fucked up.

GerryblewuptheER Sun 17-Mar-19 12:27:55

Yanbu

I've caught people looking at my 12 yr old dd before.

Fucking creeps they dont even try and hide it.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Mar-19 12:28:19

men are fucking foul
You might want to reconsider that comment, Fizzy

Why ?

Grace212 Sun 17-Mar-19 12:29:28

I'm with Fizzy

OP when I was your DD age I was reluctant to tell my parents anything that happened because I feared they'd give me less freedom.

one of the most useful things I ever heard was a teacher saying that girls should see all men as potential rapists - now I suppose she'd say Schrodinger's Rapist.

for some reason this gave me the confidence to tell these men to fuck off. It's the only language they understand. They mostly back off when they see the female "object" they've targeted isn't just going to take it.

ginghamstarfish Sun 17-Mar-19 12:31:15

Very sad. I remember this happening to me as a teenager - being groped, flashed at several times, harrassed, right through to attempted rape (I scratched his face so hard I had his flesh under my nails when I got home, and no sadly I did not report it). A shame that we still have to teach ALL girls - all children in fact - that some men are disgusting bastards and they must be wary. I would encourage them to shout, scream, run to nearest house and knock, phone police, whatever it takes. By coincidence just this morning I looked at my news feed and it was just one after another, 'man guilty of rape ..../man attacked child/ 'transwomen' attacked child in toilets' ..... ad nauseam. FFS men!

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 17-Mar-19 12:31:47

I was large of nork at age 12 and that’s when it started. I remember being flashed at on a train at the age of 15, I made a big fuss about it and the man’s friends gave him a good walloping.

Why are so many men so revolting? Can’t they get their kicks another way? They need to be called out on it, every single time, and good men need to step up and say it’s wrong.

fairislecable Sun 17-Mar-19 12:31:53

It is disgusting but people can be supportive.

When in a crowd around a market stall a middle aged man kept pressing up against me, I glared, I moved and in the end said very loudly “ will you please step back”. The stall holder saw what was happening and shouted very loudly “fuck off you pervert”. The crowd took up the call and as he ran off through the market everyone was shouting pervert at him.

I think the main thing is to call them out in a very polite way but loud enough so that other people know what is going on.

BlackCatSleeping Sun 17-Mar-19 12:34:36

It is disgusting but people can be supportive.

It's a shame that more people aren't supportive though. Still so many people make excuses for these creeps

Drogosnextwife Sun 17-Mar-19 12:34:50

Yup I remember things like this happening when I was young. I was tall and did look a bit older than I was but not old enough that a grown man would mistake me for an adult. It is disgusting and at the time I didn't think anything of it, just thought that's the way things were, which is really sad. Never told my parents because I was a bit embarrassed tbh. Only as an adult have I actually realised how wrong it was.

MeAgainAgain Sun 17-Mar-19 12:39:11

"Pre puberty is seen as a serious issue, defunitely terrible. Not the child's fault (usually), men who act are the lowest of the low etc"

Loads of court cases where there has been commentary around how even very young victims were "asking for it". I hope this has got less as people have got so angry about it.

Maybe I wrote it not so well.

I meant in the eyes of society anything sexual towards pre pubescent children is pretty much seen as wrong (some judges comments over the years aside).

But for girls over puberty this shifts - they are seen as old before their years etc. The recent case where a man (27 I think) went to prison for having sexual contact with 12yo on here - mostly women- there were loads of women saying she knew what she was doing, he was real victim, he should be released her punished by the legal system etc. Scratch the surface and the knee jerk urge to protect adult men who are interested in girls is extremely strong.

chickensaresafehere Sun 17-Mar-19 12:40:13

Good luck to the men who are inappropriate to my dd (19) .
She's a feisty one. And has given me many examples of where she has challenged this sort of behaviour.
Just the other week her & a friend were out in a affluent town for the night & were verbally attacked by a group of men about their appearance,both her & her friend stood up & told them exactly what they thought of them & then went & told the doormen (who weren't interested hmm)
It's sad that we have to raise our daughters to not put up with this shit & I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Saggingninja Sun 17-Mar-19 12:40:43

Pinkbells I know he was a paedophile. But I wasn't there and when I asked my daughter to describe him, she couldn't. And of course when I AM there, these creeps tend to slink back under their rock.

It just enrages me that harassment of young girls seems to have gotten worse not better.

TheFairyCaravan Sun 17-Mar-19 12:40:44

* Men are fucking foul.*

I think you mean some men are fucking foul. DS1 has picked men up and physically removed them when they have been harassing his female friends while they've been out. He did it to one of his seniors who threatened to discipline him. The senior was the one who was disciplined in the end.

OpalIridescence Sun 17-Mar-19 12:41:25

I can't see why Fizzy has to reconsider anything. Maybe the men should reconsider their predatory attitudes?

This happened to me all the time, men in street, on trains, by male teachers etc. We were so used to it, was just normal.

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sun 17-Mar-19 12:43:05

I shouted loudly at one man who was staring at my then 12 year old daughter in a very busy John Lewis "Do you enjoy leering at young girls'
Fucking cunt.
So many disgusting men walking the streets. They make me feel physically sick,.

IncrediblySadToo Sun 17-Mar-19 12:43:50

You need to phone the police! The one who said he 'didn't mind' she was 15 was a paedophile!

No, he is a lot of things, but not a paedophile. Unless, of course, in the highly unlikely situation that the 15 year old hadn’t yet hit puberty.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 17-Mar-19 12:44:06

MeAgain, well no, not really. Sexually harassing a girl or woman is wrong. When that person is a girl then the harassing man is a paedophile. That's the only difference in my book.

Men are not entitled to sexually harass girls or women. There is no excuse and none that would be valid. End of story.

Your posts make me a bit queasy to be honest, your first one made me wonder if you were a harassing man - or a woman with a paedophile for a husband.

O4FS Sun 17-Mar-19 12:45:36

Those men who are fucking foul shame the rest of those that aren’t. And those that aren’t need to stand up and take responsibility for those that are.

Male foulness is always a woman’s (and girls) problem. It’s fucking outrageous and it’s about time men stood up for their sex and called it out.

This shit starts from puberty and no female escapes it. It makes me furious, and that my daughters have to deal with it makes me incredibly angry. I just hope I have don’t enough so they don’t smile weakly and look away. I hope they can be forthrigh

MeAgainAgain Sun 17-Mar-19 12:45:57

I take that "reconsider your comment" thing to mean really we shouldn't talk about this at all.

Because, in reality, it's way way way too many men, so many that when you're out and young you never know when or where something is going to happen, and it is ALWAYS a man that does it.

On a thread like this to read it and think WOW that is so out of order! This woman has not been careful to state that NAMALT! What a total bastard! She needs to retract.

It's not right.

I was a teen girl once and got loads of shit and I thought, wow, men are foul. We all did. Because so many of them were.

Policing how women and girls talk about the sexual harrassment & worse that we get from age 12ish is a dick move TBH.

O4FS Sun 17-Mar-19 12:45:59

Forthright with their ‘fuck off’s.

Orangecookie Sun 17-Mar-19 12:47:24

I wonder about escalating this. I know this depends on your daughter, and how she feels, but anything in public transport to be reported immediately to nearest official, bus driver etc. Calm, factual. Maybe your daughter could do with a session with an agency, I’m not sure about women’s aid or nspcc could maybe advise, to go through again what her repsonse could be, how to get help, what is the best thing to do.

Or you follow up by writing to train company and bus company citing incidents. It really helps to keep this issue in the eye of organisations who have a duty to help.

Especially being videod or photographed.

Sounds like she’s got her head well screwed on though.

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