To wonder how you move on when your life is nothing like you thought it would be

[Iamsureitstuesday]

I thought I’d have a life kind of like everybody else’s.

It’s actually just sort of gone so badly wrong, I’ve no children or partner, no family, hardly any friends and I live in a horrible smelly basement flat!

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

Can you reverse any decisions that led you to this place ?

[Tweety1981]

Everyone has a moment when things aren’t how they want them to be .

Life isn’t the plan you make , it is the reality of what happens .

Irrespective of whether or not you are happy , only you can change it .. you just have to be determined and keep going and trying , only you can change the things you want to change xxx

[GottenGottenGotten]

Honestly, have a look at the relationships board. Sometimes there are much worse things than being single!

What things can you work towards, that will help create the life you want?

[Iamsureitstuesday]

I know gotten but also there are happy relationships or people wouldn’t seek them, they’d all just stay single.

[GottenGottenGotten]

Yes, of course there are happy relationships, but you are better in no relationship than the wrong relationship.

And if you create the life you want, are happy and fulfilled with the other areas in your life, you will be more likely to find a partner that will make you happy. And if you don't, it's ok because you are happy and fulfilled.

So I ask again, what things can you work towards to create the life you want?

[Grace212]

sometimes it's just the passage of time....I thought I'd be a big career achiever, and I thought I'd be healthy - I suppose some people just assume that, foolishly.

in reality I am in no way cut out for big achievements and have a few health problems. I guess only time heals that kind of expectation gap.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Do you have a job? Do you own or rent?

Tbh if I were you I would look for a fresh start. Maybe a living job or a hospitality type job abroad.

But that’s what I would do. It may not be in your comfort zone. There will always be tweaks you can make. Changes may not be instant but the chance for the future to be is a start.

[cheeseypizza]

Things can always be worse op! Do you work? Your flat can't be that bad?! If you think it's smelly try some little plug ins or scented candles etc.

[formerbabe]

How old are you op?

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I think the key to a happy life is to stop expecting that “happy” looks like what you always assumed it would.

Assuming no drip feed of a huge range of other issues or reasons entirely beyond your control, a lot of what you’ve posted is changeable, if you’re motivated enough and willing to accept that it’s within your control. You can put in effort to make friends. A partner - well, you can date, as most other people do when they’d like a partner, and it may turn into a relationship or it may not - the same goes for everyone. If you don’t like your home then what can you put in place to either improve it or to move?

[ComtesseDeSpair]

The best time to start changing something is before it happened. The second best time is right now. What’s within your grasp tomorrow that could mean in a month / six month’s time you could say “I am glad I did that.”?

I don’t think I know anyone among my close friends (and I say close friends because these are the people I know well enough that they’ve told me - I imagine the same is true of less close friends who haven’t) who would say their life is how they imagined it would go and who haven’t experienced desperation or frustration at parts of it sometimes. I do think I’m lucky to have always had the attitude that when things go wrong it’s sort of down to me to change that rather than to mope; and to have a network of people around me who have similar attitudes.

[Iamsureitstuesday]

I’ve tried od dating just Neva got anywhere. Honestly I am not sure why as it’s how loads of my friends met their partners.
When I say the flats smelly I don’t mean that’s the only problem. It’s just not a happy place to be.

[dimsum321]

People seek relationships driven by their inbuilt biological imperative to reproduce and ensure survival of the species.

[Iamsureitstuesday]

Well yes so I would like to reproduce and for my species to survive

[ComtesseDeSpair]

How is your self esteem? Do you like yourself?

I’ve been single / only had FWB situations for a long time, despite dating. I don’t know why, because I’m awesome Thing is, I don’t think it’s actually anything to do with something being wrong about me per se, and I expect eventually I’ll meet somebody who really likes me and I them - it just hasn’t happened for me as quickly as it seems to happen for others. This doesn’t reflect badly on me.

I asked about your self esteem because it sounds like you think you are the root of the problem - rather than this just being life’s vagaries and variances.

[MIA12]

How old are you? Are you willing or able to move house, perhaps to a completely new area?

[Iamsureitstuesday]

Thanks. I think you are probably right and I was too easily upset when ignored / knocked back. Unfortunately I am quite old now (in OD terms I mean) and I think most men want a younger woman if they are looking for someone to have a family with.

[Iamsureitstuesday]

The problem is mia I’ve already done that more times than ive had hot dinners. I could do with settling. But my career is disruptive too.

[dimsum321]

I only said that because we are sold this fantasy of looking for love and the one and living happily ever after etc etc. When, whether we realise it or not, we are just animals being driven by our biological code.

You talk about all the things you don't have. Can you list 3 things you DO have that are positives and make you happy?

[Home77]

Sometimes less is more...a lot of people as you see on here have troubles with relationships, children, etc...it is never simple. Maybe stop focusing on what you don't have and what you do. freedom / less reponsibility, you can move and not have to consult with others. It is easy to assume everyone else has a perfect life but that is not usually the case.

[SlinkyDinkyDoo]

How old are you?

[Iamsureitstuesday]

39.

I don’t feel I have a lot to be honest. Obviously I do in a way but in terms of a meaningful life I don’t. And all freedom is meaning in that context is that no one cares if you are there or not.

[MissSmith80]

I'm 38 and until a couple of years ago was similar - good job and a roof over my head but no meaningful relationships (friends or significant other). I decided to live my life for me - put myself out there more (in as much of starting a conversation with people who I wouldn't have done before). Met a wonderful man, bought a house together and are expecting our first child. I've got some really good friends now who are being absolutely amazing at supporting this geriatric through pregnancy! I really think that it was building my self esteem and believing that I was worthy of the life I wanted that got me here. Good luck x

[MRex]

1. First of all move house to somewhere bright and airy that makes you feel happy.
   
2. Take a holiday to relax and recharge; read books, watch films, sit in the sun and generally work on cheering up.
   
3. Then get back into dating. Maybe you need to meet a hundred men to find the right one for you, so get going. Don't let the frogs put you off.
   
4. Which friends did you used to have, can you call them to reconnect?

[yanboo]

I have friends who had children in their forties - more than one each. It’s not too late.

Church groups, community volunteering and the like can be a great way to meet people who often turn out to be thoughtful and giving.

Please don’t despair. Everyone has times in their life when they feel it is hopeless. Look after yourself and the sun will shine on you again.

Eat as well as you can, go to sleep at the same time and get outdoors to swim or walk in the country or park. Take small steps to improve things - make a list and break it down (“I’ll clean the hall tomorrow. The bathroom on Tuesday night. This week I will try something new (like a dancing group etc)

Good luck. There is happiness in life and you are not the only one looking for it.