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Aibu advice re dp daughter

(13 Posts)
Redred2429 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:25:23

Please be gentle I'm kind of nervous that I might offend people but I'm looking for advice. Me and Dp are moving in together into my house dp has one DD. I was just looking for advice from the mums on here about how to not overstep i have offered to meet her mum but she didn't want to which is totally fine. But when we are living together I really would hate to do anything that would make her mum feel like I was overstepping or hurt her in anyway. I did not have a good role model growing up dp and ex don't get on and me and dp have discussed how we would like it to work all living together but can anyone give me any tips on the dos and don'ts when it comes to dp daughter I would hate to do anything by accident to upset her mum as she has raised an amazing little girl and for that I have a lot of respect for her . So far I was thinking one visit a week I will make sure I'm out all day to make sure she has one on one time just her and her dad . I obviously would not give her into trouble as that's not my place but if anyone has any things they could suggest that I should avoid I'm just worried about doing something that could hurt dp daughter or her mum please let me know I really just want to make sure everyone is happy with the situation as possible. Sorry if this is rambling a little bit

ItsAMooPoint Sun 17-Mar-19 11:34:56

I would just be a friend for now. Leave the parenting to your DP and just try to be a friend. Involve her in things when you can and allow them time together just the two of them sometimes as well.

I have a lovely relationship with my SC and I do believe it's because I've never tried to 'parent'. Just been a friendly adult they can have a laugh with and talk to.

I'm quite a few years down the line now and so I do spend time alone with them when DH/ex has errands and now feel comfortable having 'words' if they are playing up but it took a long time to reach that point and I think it's accepted now because I was so so careful to be as respectful as possible that I was not their parent.

Now that we have a bond and a good solid relationship, they appreciate that whilst I don't 'parent', I won't hesitate to tell them if they are misbehaving when DH is not around and they listen to me when I do. I don't think they would have if I'd come straight in and tried to be another parent that they don't need!

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Mar-19 11:40:33

Are you an overly anxious person?

You've said 4 times in your relatively short OP that you don't want to upset the mother.

Be guided by what your DP and his daughter wants.

So far I was thinking one visit a week I will make sure I'm out all day to make sure she has one on one time just her and her dad

What is your DP thinking about how much he wants to see his daughter?

FizzyGreenWater Sun 17-Mar-19 11:42:00

Yes, as above. Don't see yourself in a 'parenting' type role because you are another adult in the house.

Incidentally, this goes for your interaction with DP too... far too often the real start of problems can be laid at the door of the parent who starts to think 'Ooh good, another adult to share the work' - NO. Especially if she actually isn't with you for a huge amount of time. His daughter, his responsibility, his time. Don't ever let yourself be persuaded that you 'caring' or 'being on the team' or 'supporting him' or 'liking/accepting his DD' equates to you doing his job for him. No - it is the opposite. His DD needs to see that her dad still takes responsibility for her, still puts her first in his schedule. The quickest way to resentment is for her to feel she might now be 'palmed off' on this new person - she'll take it out on you, but it's her dad she'll feel has let her down if that happens.

So be very clear with your DP that you will NOT be involving yourself in anything except as a friend and that is for the good of everyone, for a looong time going forward. It will be very important for his DD to see that nothing has changed in the level of care she gets from her dad - making breakfast, making sure her clothes are there, bedtime stories, bath - all that is still absolutely his job.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 17-Mar-19 11:47:05

I wouldn’t make any commitments to be out of your own home for a whole day every week. No way. That’s your home and you will start to resent doing that very quickly.just carry on your life as normal. Some weekends you’ll have plans with your friends or family, some you will do something with DP and his DD, some weekends you’ll just want to chill at home, someweekends he’ll have plans to take his DD out somewhere and sometimes DSD won’t come for whatever reason. It will work out o. Certainly don’t banish yourself from your own home. It’s not necessary and sets a bad precedent .

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 17-Mar-19 11:50:03

Me and Dp are moving in together into my house

So far I was thinking one visit a week I will make sure I'm out all day to make sure she has one on one time just her and her dad

In the nicest possible way, no way on earth would I be spending the day out of my home - two fold - (a) its my home and no way would I be feeling like an outsider (b) it looks like you are avoiding her/don't like her , if you make yourself absent.

You are taking on the role of 'step mother' . you and DP come as package deal, same way DP and his daughter come as a package.

dp and ex don't get on - why ?

ItsAMooPoint Sun 17-Mar-19 12:02:39

I do agree about the leaving for a day. Just stick to your normal plans, as a PP said, sometimes you won't be around because you'll be out with friends/family, other times he may want to take his DD out for the day.

Don't commit to a whole day out every week.

Persevere, it may be hard at first. I remember the first few times I met my DHs DC, I found it incredibly awkward!! I had never really been around children before and I was so unsure of how to be that I felt a bit overwhelmed at first. I remember crying on the way home after about the first 3 meetings because I didn't think I'd be able to do it.

With time we all felt more relaxed and now we can have a right good natter and laugh. They even hooray when I get home from work now because they can't wait to see me. It's a lovely feeling and one I never imagined when we first met!

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Mar-19 12:05:01

If your DP and his daughter want one to one time, it's his responsibility to take her out somewhere/do something with her.

It's not your responsibility to leave your home for the day.

Redred2429 Sun 17-Mar-19 12:23:11

Thank you for all the advice it's really helpful maybe the one day a week out the house is too much I hadn't mentioned that to dp yet so maybe that was a bad idea I just wanted to make sure she feels as comfortable as possible when she is here and that I didn't rock the boat we have been slowly getting her used to sleepovers at the new house building it slowly i definitely have spoke to him about just being a friend dp is the parent which we both totally agree with ! The reason they don't get on seems to be clashes over how to co parent that seem to escalate

ILoveMaxiBondi Sun 17-Mar-19 12:47:13

If she has her own room make sure she feels like it’s her room. That way when she’s needs a break from you or her dad (perfectly normal, we all need space from our family at times) she can go there and chill. Maybe instigate a “rule” that you all knock before entering any bedrooms so you knock for her room and similarly, she knocks for your room so that if you’re taking some time for yourself you aren’t being invaded. I’ve seen quite a few step mums on MN feeling they have no space of their own to get a break because the SDCs are alowed in all bedrooms whenever they like.

Redred2429 Sun 17-Mar-19 17:09:51

Thank you that is a good suggestion she has already picked which room she wants and is picking the colour next weekend but definitely think the knocking is a great idea

TriciaH87 Sun 17-Mar-19 18:44:54

I would suggest you write her mum a letter. A bit old fashioned i know. Tell her how much you admire her daughter and how well she has raised her. Say that this is a learning curve for you as you have no idea where the boundaries lie. Ask for a little guidance from her and say that if she feels you over step at any time your number is.... and please let you know asap. Say you are aware you will make mistakes but would appreciate her input as the childs mother. Maybe invite her to help pick out bits for her childs room if she will be staying over to make things easier for her child. Mainly let her know she can talk to you and that your not stepping on her toes. If she knows you want to work with her it may help make the transition easier on the child as mum will not resent her going.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 17-Mar-19 18:53:42

The first thing you have to do is have several serious discussions with your partner as to what you expect and what he expects. If he is going to handle all disciplinary matters, that means he actually has to follow through. For example, what if his daughter is rude and disrespectful to you? How will he handle that, because that type of behaviour in your home shouldn't be tolerated. What chores will she be expected to do? Will he be sure that she picks up after herself and not ignore issues that may arise? You need to be sure you can communicate with him before he moves in.

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