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To not allow my 6 year old to a sleep over?

(77 Posts)
Sherbertfizzer Sun 17-Mar-19 08:44:18

My dd6 has been invited to a sleepover party and I am shocked. I am completely out of my comfort zone on this one. There's no way I will allow dd to go but I don't quite know how to not offend the mum.
My dd has been in same class as her friend for only a year and I have spoken to her mum a handful of times. The girls mum has said it will be in a months time and that I can even stay too!
I find it very weird and uncomfortable. I have met the girls father twice, he seems ok but AIBU to politely decline? I mean am i the only one to find this all a bit odd? Who knows what these people are into and who they might have over or other parents staying the night.

Applecrumble79 Sun 17-Mar-19 22:58:44

I always felt uncomfortable about sleepovers but didn’t like to let my son be the odd one out. If you’re uncomfortable just politely decline

PlasticPatty Sun 17-Mar-19 22:26:46

I was going to say 'Under no circumstances!' but if you can go too, and will go, then why not?
My mother (an abused child) was totally against sleepovers. Too much opportunity to come to harm. I didn't do sleepovers, my dd didn't, and I hope my dgd won't. There are school residentials at seven to eight, which she will probably attend, but I am not comfortable with that.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Sun 17-Mar-19 22:23:27

But poing you could well be compounding the damage by teaching your child not to trust :-(

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Sun 17-Mar-19 22:21:04

But opiesoldlady your children are not ‘things you have’. They are people who deserve to have these experiences and to develop relationships with other people without your presence. They need to learn who they are in your absence.

You can do them damage by overprotecting them just as much as by under protecting.

Mamabear12 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:36:59

I think every family is different. We started with sleepovers at family members first (my sister had the kids). And then when my dd just turned 6 she had her first at a friends. But I knew she was comfortable and I trusted the mom. A year later my dd had her second at another friends (this one she has known since age 3) and again it went well. We finally had the courage to allow for a sleepover and again it went perfectly fine. However, I know the girl well and my dd plays with her frequently after school so the girl feels comfortable with me, as I’m always around (sahm and always going to park w my Los after school). My only wish was that they went to bed an hour earlier then they did lol. But 11pm is not too bad. I’ve been to sleepovers where we stay up the entire night or 3,4 or 5am! 😳 i understand about worrying about a sleepover. I do think it’s part of the joys of growing up. But only do them when you feel ready and trust the family.

itsbritneybiatches Sun 17-Mar-19 21:33:49

Everyone to their own though

itsbritneybiatches Sun 17-Mar-19 21:32:30

Oh and I will get a couple
Of hours peace while they all play upstairs.

Before I have to pair 89 lol shoes the next day grin

itsbritneybiatches Sun 17-Mar-19 21:31:29

My daughter has had sleepovers with one friend and vice verse for a year. She's nearly six. We know her mum and dad really well.

We've invited another friend so she doesn't feel left out as they are now a friendship of three.

I've also said to her mum she's welcome to stay as we have a spare room and it will be her child's first sleepover not with family.

It will consist of a soft play after school.
A McDonald's.
Home for a dvd and popcorn. Lol surprise packs from b and m. Maybe some paint
Your own plates or mugs from home and bargain.

The three of them will sleep on my daughters pull out bed. I will take them all home at lunch time.

Rachie1973 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:23:09

I loved the sleepover years! A bit of peace and quiet until I had to reciprocate. Boooo

squeekums Sun 17-Mar-19 21:19:01

*Does no one else refuse sleepovers because of safeguarding issues??

I cannot understand it. I realise it’s fun, but in every other situation parents make sure the Carers are DBS checked, first aid trained, appropriate qualifications, risk assessments done etc. You don’t just go and leave your dc in the care of an acquaintance? Why are sleepovers ok?*

LMAO, no I don't deny my child a life just because lil suzies parents don't have a risk assessment or qualifications. What qualifications do you have to be a parent or guardian?

I'd have no issue if dd was comfortable going

MrsTeaspoon Sun 17-Mar-19 21:12:04

We don’t do sleepovers until secondary school. Kids go on organised camps with Scouts/Cubs etc but that’s it. I don’t really care what other parents choose to do or to think about me doing this - I’m always just matter-of-fact about it.

Maldives2006 Sun 17-Mar-19 19:10:16

Everyone’s children are the most “precious” to them, completely ridiculous statement but it’s still your job to turn them into well functioning adults.

Poing Sun 17-Mar-19 19:00:45

And for those who said that they have taught their children from a young age about what is ok and what is not ok with regards to touching, body autonomy and contacting parents, we did too. It made not one iota of difference to what happened, because the person who did it was someone my child knew and our child was unable to say no, stop.

So, if you have a funny feeling about it, don't ignore it. There are plenty of other options to sleep-overs and encouraging bonding.

Poing Sun 17-Mar-19 18:46:19

My decision is based on the actual sexual abuse of my child. I have therefore absolutely no problem reducing further risk by saying no to sleep-overs.

Loopeylou92 Sun 17-Mar-19 16:31:48

Totally agree with you. I'd just say you're not ready for sleepovers yet and it might be a bit much for dd but maybe she could stay for tea and a movie til about 8 so shes staying a bit later but not all night.

bonbonours Sun 17-Mar-19 16:18:12

@Poing ha ha when kids are teenagers the most likely time for any misbehaviour including sexual activity, bullying, abuse etc is between 3.30 and 6.00 when parents are still at work and children are making their way home (or not) on their own and unsupervised. Sleepovers will be the least of your worries. Also when they are teenagers you may not even have met their friends, let alone their friends' parents. Make the most of the fact you get the chance to meet parents of primary school kids.

sweeneytoddsrazor Sun 17-Mar-19 16:14:59

@Poing you seriously wouldnt let them til they were teenagers and then only maybe?

Poing Sun 17-Mar-19 15:57:17

No, I wouldn't let my kids. Maybe as teenagers.

bonbonours Sun 17-Mar-19 15:51:21

With regard to safeguarding, unless you are with your child 24 hours a day you cannot remove absolutely all risk. As has been pointed out above, abusers could be DBS holding teachers, scout leaders, karate teacher, your uncle, childminder's son, other child at school etc.

What you can do however, is teach your child from a young age what is and is not ok eg the pants rule, and give them some idea of what they can/should do in a situation where they are uncomfortable. In a sleepover situation I have always talked to my kids about the fact that if they are unhappy in any way or for any reason and want to come home they need to ask their friend's mum to call me (or now they are older they have phones and could ring me themselves if need be). This has only happened once in many years of sleepover and not for any sinister reason, she just didn't feel well.

L1989 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:23:05

op it's totally your decision, if you don't feel comfortable with it then don't send her. Everyone will have their own opinions on this kind of thing and quite rightly so, but bottom line is your the parent so it's your choice. I don't think my eldest went to a sleep over until about 8 years old.
Regarding how to decline I would just be honest and say she's not ready for that yet, or if your worried how the parents would take that then just say your busy lol. X

FluffyHeadbands Sun 17-Mar-19 11:22:49

DS had a sleepover as part of his 6th birthday party. One child just came for the afternoon/ evening and then was collected, another child felt ill and wanted to go home so we took him around 11 (Much rather that than poor child is sad all night).

We had about 4 in the end. It went perfectly fine. The parents all knew of each other and had done for a few years but I didn't declare my criminal record check on the invite!

If you don't want her to go then say no but I find attitudes odd on MN. You have to learn to judge characters and have some trust of people and encourage your children to do the same.

Aragog Sun 17-Mar-19 11:22:15

*the Carers are DBS checked, first aid trained, appropriate qualifications, risk assessments done etc. Y*

But most of those things don't actually prevent things going wrong.
A DBS is out of date the minute it's been issued. It only shows things that someone has actually been found doing, nothing hidden or not yet known.
First aid - most people know how to deal with a basic issue, but all will also know how to call 999 in an emergency and be talked through what to do. Not all the teachers and TAs in your child's school will actually be first aid trained either.
Qualifications to look after a child? I think many volunteer positions and even some lower level TAs, lunch staff, etc will have no qualifications linked to child care.

fWIW I do have DBS clearance - for two roles, dh has dbs clearance too. I have FA training. I do have various qualifications regards working with children. Does that mean I'm okay to hold a sleepover?

PRoseLegend Sun 17-Mar-19 11:21:30

I'm of two minds about this.
On the one hand, sleepovers were a lot of fun for me as a kid. Some of my best memories are from sleepovers (mostly from age 10 up).
On the other hand, I was sexually assaulted at a sleepover when I was 8. This girl was not my friend at school, but her mum worked with my mum, and my parents needed someone to look after me for a night.

So i'd say under 10 is probably too young, and when you do let your kids go, meet both parents and in fact all adults in the household, and have conversations about appropriate/inappropriate touch and calling mum or dad if they feel uncomfortable.

But if you're being allowed to stay over too, then surely your dd can stay with you?

lyralalala Sun 17-Mar-19 11:20:40

It’s not weird or odd. And your child is far more likely to be harmed by someone in your family or circle of friends than a random parent at a sleepover.

Smartieshavetheanswer Sun 17-Mar-19 11:16:36

Not sure why there's such a mad trend to have them at such a young age. Children are incredibly vulnerable at night so why let them go at such a young age to a house you're not familiar with?

My DD bonded immediately with a classmate from nursery but neither family suggested a sleepover until they were about 9 and by then, we knew and trusted one another.

Even then, I don't 'get' the idea. Sure, if the children are older and doing something/going somewhere late, it makes sense, but otherwise, it's just a night of no sleep and unmonitored antics.

DD's here have had one large group sleepover each, and that's it. We have a no phones upstairs rule which was disobeyed, so never again.

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