AIBU to cut friend out because of this?

[alessandrae83]

To cut a long story short, me and my friend have been friends for around 10 years. We both have 2 children who are all the same ages and in the same years at school. Her child recently wound my son up at school and he reacted and threatened her with telling me and said I would sort her out. Not saying threats is the right behaviour but her child came out that same day before my son and told me he had threatened her for no reason. Turned out, as I said that it wasn't for no reason and she had been mean all day with her friends to him. I was upset that she would lie to me when she knew me but I know she's just a child. I said I would speak to my friend about the situation. The next day I didn't take the children to school so my husband bumped into my friend instead and he had words. Her daughter cried over being caught out and when my husband left, my friend reported my husband to the school without mentioning it to me before, during or after. I found out when school called about my husband apparently making a child cry on site. He said he only had a quiet word. Am I wrong to be upset that she didn't talk to me first after such a close friendship if she didn't agree with what he said? She tried to carry on as if she hadn't done it. I ignored her and she chose to keep her distance since which proves how much I'm worth to her right? That's the end of the friendship. We've had some very off/on/strange things happen in these 10 years but mainly been very close.

[Ironymaiden]

I’m a bit unsure if I’d be comfortable with a grown man making a child cry on the school grounds. She shouldn’t have lied and also your son should not have threatened her. I am erring on the side of thinking you’re being unreasonable, sorry.

[Waveysnail]

Tbh I don't think school ground is an appropriate place to have 'had a word'. And if I was your friend and we were close I'd be upset that your husband spoke to me instead of you giving me a ring.

Sounds all a bit dramatic tbh

[Adu1tHumanFema1e]

How do you know you're friend is the one who reported him? If I'd seen an adult man "having words" with someone and upsetting the kids in playground I'd report him myself.

"Have words" means an argument or a telling off where I'm from. It sounds like him being in the school yard wasn't a coincidence and the reason he's taken the kids in was to challenge her?

To your friend it could look a case if he's modelling the behaviour you're son has been accused of, could she be keeping her distance because your husband has intimidated her?

[alessandrae83]

I don't for sure but she never asked me why I wasn't speaking with her so I'm 99% sure she knows why.

My husband and her have never gotten along. She didn't used to like the way he was with me and no one seems to talk to me at school if I'm with my husband as he comes across as very stand offish/unapproachle. I do think in the past she's felt intimidated by him because he's made it clear he doesn't like her. He's always ignored her and told the kids to ignore her but that's also because he feels that she hasn't treated my great over the years either. He also has it in his mind that she may have feelings for me (he has a few reasons for this but I don't know). I just thought that either she could talk to me if she was upset with him or if she felt she should report him then she could have told me she had done it rather than wait until I heard from school. I was going to go round the day it happened but was upset so thought it best if I didn't. OH sometimes takes them to school anyway so I don't think he did it to intimidate her.

[MarthasGinYard]

'He's always ignored her and told the kids to ignore her'

Blimey what awful parenting

With a role model like that

Poor kids

[AliceLiddel]

OH sometimes takes them to school anyway so I don't think he did it to intimidate her.

Whether he meant to intimidate her or not you have already said he doesnt like her, has encouraged your children to ignore her and that I do think in the past she's felt intimidated by him. Also nobody else speaks to you when he is around, so clearly he IS intimidating and offhand. I would think you need to speak to your ex friend and see what he actually said/did before you decide shes in the wrong.

[AlunWynsKnee]

You and your husband are way too involved in your child's friendships.
Step back. Don't get involved and let it pan out. Keep the adult friendships separate.

[HappyLife21]

Sounds like he was heavy handed and very much in the wrong.

[Happygolucky009]

Your poor friend! How awful of your husband to behave so badly, was he deliberately trying to intimidate and threaten your friend and her child. If I was you I would be apologising to friend, calling dh a dick both to his face and to friend. I doubt your friendship will survive such poor behaviour, as you haven't done this, instead you have condoned his behaviour and as a result you have ended the friendship. You either learn to back off from your kid having a minor spat at school, or you will find you and your son ostracized , because no one will want to have to deal with your husband having a "quiet word"

[SleepingStandingUp]

Do you know what he said to the child OP? Becaise based on your comments about him disliking the Mum, encouraging your children to be rude to her, no one at scho talking to you if he's there, I'd womderif he's been heavy handed in telling off someone else's child and the reason she doesn't care why you aren't talking to get is because SHE'S pissed off at YOU for not taking to her about it but instead leaving it to your DH to scare her child

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

What a nasty behaviour from your DH.

OP... are you ok? Telling the kids to ignore him and not liking your friends out of jealousy seems quite abusive

Intimidating your friends, other parents and kids. This is not normal, does he also have a bad temper he is unable to control?

[SpiritedLondon]

Well what did your DH say when he “had words”? Is he likely to have been aggressive or intimidating because if so he deserves to be reported and I can completely understand your friends POV. Children fall out sadly - it’s part and parcel of being a kid and although I oppose bullying I suspect your DH is not exactly a stellar role model for conflict management.

[Dippypippy1980]

Your husband sounds like a bully. He didn’t have a quiet word - he confronted the child and her mother.

The school was right to call him out on his behavior, and your friend was right to report him.

[SandyY2K]

Your husband should have left it to you. It was wrong if him to speak to her, especially as he doesn't like her and with the standoffish unapproachable looks, I think she was right to report it.

He had no right to talk to her. You're far too involved with the children's fallouts too. It's unhealthy.

If anything happens in school, they report it to the teachers to deal with.

If I was the friend I'd be very angry and keep my distance. You should have apologised to her on behalf of your husband.

A quiet word, wouldn't have made her child cry. It clearly wasn't quiet enough.

[StoppinBy]

I made one of my DD's friends cry in prep. I caught her telling my DD to leave the classroom without me at the end of the day, I heard my DD say 'no I can't, I need to wait for my Mum' (they somehow hadn't seen me standing a metre away), her friend took her hand and tried to drag her out the door anyway.


I looked at her sternly and said 'No, you don not tell DD to leave without me, that is very dangerous!'.... she came back a minute later with her Mum, she was in tears and both the Mum and the teacher were fine once they heard what happened, I am now friends with the Mum so I know this for a fact, kid's don't like getting caught out by other people so I don't necessarily think your DH crossed the line just based on the fact she cried. I also feel that if you are all friends then as long as he only talked to her about telling the truth then it was fine for him to do so and I would be fine with one of my friends or their partners doing the same to my child.

I think your friend was unfair to report your DH rather than talk to you if she was upset about it, it's not like he was a stranger after all.

[SandyY2K]

no one seems to talk to me at school if I'm with my husband as he comes across as very stand offish/unapproachle.

I do think in the past she's felt intimidated by him because he's made it clear he doesn't like her.

He's always ignored her and told the kids to ignore her

He also has it in his mind that she may have feelings for me

There's one person at fault here and you're married to him.

He sounds very unpleasant and something of a bully.

[StoppinBy]

I missed your last update, if your DH doesn't like your friend and was forceful and aggressive in his approach then I agree with your friend on this one, a quiet chat is one thing, a real telling off is another thing altogether and it is not acceptable.

[curiousierandcouriser]

A few things:

1. Your husband shouldn't have involved himself and "had words" with your friend and her daughter, especially on school grounds.
   

1. I would want to know what was actually said and how before judging whether the report was "justified". You say that others see him as intimidating and he doesn't like your friend. In this case, she should report him to the school.
   

1. All of you need to step back and let your kids sort out their own friendships. Children fall out and make up all the time. When adults get involved (unless there is a serious issue or someone is getting hurt) it usually just makes everything worse.

[Boom45]

You don't say the ages of the children but as you've only been friends for 10 years i assume you're saying your husband "had words" with a child under 10 and made her cry. That's disgusting, I'd be appalled if my husband made a child cry because they'd fallen out with our child. I wouldn't be "cutting a friend out" but I'd be having concerns about my DH

[Happygolucky009]

@stoppinby yours is a different situation entirely, you saw a child lead your child into a dangerous/risky situation and took action to stop it. I would have done the same but there was no risk and no danger when the op husband had the quiet word. Sorry but the mother was absolutely correct to report to the school, as I would expect to have done otherwise would have resulted in the bully having another quiet word, this time with the mother.

[ElevenSmiles]

So you were too upset to go round and speak to your friend on the day. Your DH doesn't like your friend, not exactly a great idea for your DH to take the kids to school was it ? I think you knew what would happen OP.

[expat101]

My Hubby and adult daughter don't like a couple of women in my group either, although neither would front up to those women and say something directly.

However, it's hard for your Hubby to stand back and watch/hear his child being bullied whoever it is doing it. I have no doubt that if my Hubby had come across the little snot who bullied our daughter, he would be having stern words too, the next time he saw her (the bully in our case).

The timing may not be appropriate, but it's about the moment. It's probably the only time the child will be picked up for its behaviour.

I can see where he is coming from.

[Happygolucky009]

Who said anything about bullying?

This is one child being reportedly mean to another over 1 day!

[StoppinBy]

@happygoclucky, my point was that just because the child cried it doesn't mean that the DH said anything mean or out of place. At that point I hadn't seen where the OP wrote about the already strained relationship between DH and her friend so thought that with a long friendship history he was not out of place to say something in the same way a stranger would have been.

[Darkstar4855]

If I were your friend I would be upset that you had left it to your husband to talk to me instead of talking to me about it yourself! I think you are both as bad as each other.

Also how do you know that her child lied and yours is telling the truth? Csn you really be 109% sure?