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to think I've being abused this whole time?

(32 Posts)
misseymiyake Sat 16-Mar-19 23:27:51

My very recent ex....

Would shout and swear (in front of me whilst pregnant and his young daughter) when something small would go wrong, punching walls or hit steering wheel when someone cut him up. Referring to female drivers as bitches or a stupid slut when they forget to indicate or brake too fast etc. Called me stupid and said I ‘dont use my brain’ when I did something really quite trivial wrong. Refused to help at night with our baby son and when asked said ‘isn’t that what your maternity leave is for?’. Made me support myself entirely on my own financially whilst on SMP and he was on a very decent full wage. Always snapped at me. Told my my legs were getting bigger when I was pregnant. Told me my boobs were lopsided when I was breastfeeding. Pointed out my stretch marks in disgust. Implied I was lazy at 4 months pp. Told me how vile his exes body was after she had a baby whilst I was pregnant. Was sarcastic and rude to me. Criticised me for eating chocolate or unhealthy food in a nasty way implying I would put on weight even though I have a healthy BMI and worked really hard to get back in to my size 12 jeans. Made me feel scared. Used me for childcare for his daughter and made me feel guilty when I couldn't do it.

These are just a handful of things. There are many, many more.

I’m not wrong am I? This is abuse? Or am I being overly dramatic? I don’t even know anymore.

misseymiyake Sat 16-Mar-19 23:30:11

'been being'

PickAChew Sat 16-Mar-19 23:30:36

You're not wrong. He sounds like a fucking misanthropic neanderthal arsehole.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Sat 16-Mar-19 23:30:47

You are not wrong. He sounds vile. Make sure he remains as an ex.

Goldmandra Sat 16-Mar-19 23:31:02

You are absolutely right. Well done for recognising it.

Your perspective will change as time passes and you will become more aware of how abusive his behaviour was.

Does he have contact with the baby?

misseymiyake Sat 16-Mar-19 23:33:03

@Goldmandra not at the moment. Women's aid have already confirmed the abuse but I think I needed to hear it from some regular people on here. I've been told not to see him and sadly for him it means he won't see his son. Don't know why I feel so bad about it.

RedLemonade Sat 16-Mar-19 23:37:03

Absolutely abuse yes. You poor thing. Well done for getting out. And don’t feel bad for keeping your boy from seeing him. He sounds like a terrible terrible role model for what a man should be.

flowers and best of luck to you OP

ThatssomebadhatHarry Sat 16-Mar-19 23:37:10

I’m so glad he is your ex and your not asking should I leave, while defending him with ‘he can be nice’ or ‘it’s not always bad he has nice moments’

He is a first class cunt.

Goldmandra Sat 16-Mar-19 23:38:54

Don't know why I feel so bad about it.

Could that be because you've spent some considerable time being trained to think that you aren't adequate, don't have any rights, don't deserve to feel safe of supported, etc.

That will change in time.

MN is sometimes not a great place to find people who understand coercive control. People will make crass comments about how you could have walked away earlier or made different decisions. If there are comments like this on the thread, please ignore them.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 16-Mar-19 23:55:35

Good on you for getting out. Your ds will not be allowed to grow up thinking like this thug.

spreadingchestnuttree Sat 16-Mar-19 23:58:47

I'm so glad you've got away, which must have taken a lot of courage. Stay strong and don't look back!

Staycalmandscream Sun 17-Mar-19 00:09:17

It's true what a PP said about time giving you a clearer perspective.
Toi many things to list that my ex did but this one sprang to mind. I once caught my ex eyeing up another pregnant woman at tesco when i was preg. When I asked him what he was doing he commented how she looked like she'd got a lovely neat bump, not put on weight etc. As if he knew her! He used to buy me all sorts of treats he knew I'd never buy myself like cream cakes 'for the baby', a feeder looking back. Couldn't see it at the time. But I just remember thinking what a horrible thing to do without any shame & horrible conversation afterwards. Stuck with me.

You may always feel sad for how things happened & aspects of the situation, but you'll feel better in time once you realised there was no way you'd ever have been able to have a happy existence in that relationship.

misseymiyake Sun 17-Mar-19 07:57:08

How awful @Staycalmandscream - reminds me of how my ex was when I was pregnant. He hated my pregnant belly. He ruined the whole thing for me. But commented on my friend who had a tiny bump. I had a huge bump and lots of stretch marks and should've been made to feel beautiful but I just felt awful.

misseymiyake Sun 17-Mar-19 08:32:25

I don't know how I've been such a fool and not seen this as abuse. I didn't even know you could emotionally abuse someone. Is that really what this is? It's like I'm not able to convince myself and maybe he just wasn't the nicest person.

traveller11 Sun 17-Mar-19 09:12:14

@misseymiyake sounds like he could be the same person as my ex (although I doubt he actually is).

The final straw for me was finding out he was cheating on me whilst I was pregnant and telling me it was all in my head and I was crazy. Lots of things happened before it got to that point, but that was my motivation to leave.

You're not a fool, these abusers are masters at manipulation. I hope you get through this stronger than ever and keep your son safe x

londonerinleith Sun 17-Mar-19 09:16:06

Yes this sounds like emotional abuse - glad to hear he's now ex.

oneforthepain Sun 17-Mar-19 09:18:01

Extremely abusive.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk can help you make sense of it, trust your instincts, and learn how to spot the warning signs so you can protect yourself from other abusive people who may use different tactics to your ex.

oneforthepain Sun 17-Mar-19 09:22:05

Abuse is about power and control. The tactics they use to get power over you and to control you vary from abuser to abuser.

It's also known as coercive control. Which is a crime. Regardless of whether there was ever any physical violence or not.

It's subtle and starts gradually. Abusers depend on blaming you and normalising their behaviour. If they ramp it up gradually, and alternate with being charming/loving, then it's much harder to spot. Especially if nobody has ever taught you about the differences between healthy and abusive relationships.

Abuse isn't about whether or not your partner has hit you or whether they're a cruel monster 24/7, it's about whether they try to control you and inflict harm on you of any kind in the process.

Freedom Programme will help you get your head around all of this - including the impact it's had on you.

OpalIridescence Sun 17-Mar-19 09:23:02

missy you are right, I'm sorry you had to go through it flowers

Part of abuse is being trained to doubt your own perceptions and continually having your boundaries disrespected.

It's really common to go round and round doubting whether it was really abuse or whether he just wasn't nice or even if you caused it in some way.
Alot of women seek out confirmation from others. I definitely did.

You will find that as time goes by your confidence in yourself recovers and you can dispassionately look at what happened and calmly name it for what it was, abuse.

pilates Sun 17-Mar-19 09:26:23

Yes and glad to hear he’s your ex. Sounds ghastly.

gamerwidow Sun 17-Mar-19 09:26:40

Abuse is hard to see when you’ve been so used to telling yourself that it’s ok and what he does isn’t that bad every day. You’ve tried to protect yourself by minimising what is happening and saying everything is fine, it’s hard to accept you’ve been lying to yourself all this time. It’s not surprising that you start to question yourself and think ‘it wasn’t really that bad was it’ when you finally come to leave. It was that bad though and you are right to leave.

bullyingadvice2017 Sun 17-Mar-19 09:35:46

He sounds awful. Well done for getting away. You can't have your kids thinking that's normal. It's not.

misseymiyake Sun 17-Mar-19 09:54:30

It's not normal is it?

I've left him. I have his son. I'm refusing to see him at the moment as I need to get my head around the abuse. He thinks I'm awful and I'm alienating him. He has no idea he has done anything wrong. He admitted he needed to go to anger management but he thinks he's done nothing wrong to me so he's going completely nuts. Telling me I've changed and I'm doing this on purpose.

The reality is, he's completely broken me sad

megrichardson Sun 17-Mar-19 09:58:41

Well done for recognising him for what he is. Let him say and think what he likes. You're stronger than you think xx

Allfednonedead Sun 17-Mar-19 10:17:45

He hasn’t completely broken you, because you recognised his abuse and LEFT!

Him saying ‘you’ve changed’ is actually saying ‘you haven’t changed enough for his purposes. Your real self is still there and refusing to be the beaten doormat he wants.’

Go you!

misseymiyake Sun 17-Mar-19 10:22:35

The thing is though, I have changed. And thank god!

gamerwidow Sun 17-Mar-19 10:29:20

He admitted he needed to go to anger management
His just saying that because he thinks you want to hear it. He won’t go and even if he does it won’t do any good because he thinks it’s all your fault. Don’t let him gaslight you!
Do not let him give you responsibility for how he has treated you. Don’t start thinking there was fault on both sides and you shouldn’t have provoked him. That’s what he wants you to think.

FrogFairy Sun 17-Mar-19 10:31:29

What a nasty prick.

The greatest gift you could ever have given yourself and your wee boy is getting you both away from him.

AntiHop Sun 17-Mar-19 10:36:04

Definitely emotional and financial abuse. Well done for getting out. He is nasty, abusive piece of work.

Is your step child's mother in her life or does he have full custody?

SandyY2K Sun 17-Mar-19 10:41:44

It's abusive behaviour without a doubt, but you don't have to put a label on certain behaviour to know it's unacceptable.

All the things he did were home showing you who he was.

Shouting and swearing at you along with the insults was more than enough reason to have walked away.

You might benefit from therapy to understand why you accepted being treated that way.

misseymiyake Sun 17-Mar-19 11:38:41

@AntiHop she has an amazing mum. He completely poisoned me against her and made me believe his ex was a horrible woman. Now I see she was just protecting her child. I have actually met up with her and she said he did the same to her. She's really sweet and reminds me of me. She still suffers with him being abusive to her. All via text message and I had no idea. I feel like I've been such a fool.

AntiHop Sun 17-Mar-19 19:45:58

OK good to hear the mother is around to shield the child from his behaviour.

Things will get much better from now on for you op. flowers

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