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Dropped in the crap by "friend"?

(80 Posts)
FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:08:42

I have no idea if I AMU and need to ask for some advice! Sorry if its long!

My DP and I get married in a month. We have booked a lovely venue where there are rooms to stay overnight are an additional cost. When we booked DP and I asked who wanted a room, with the priority going to bridal party and then offered out to evening guests. DP and I decided to reduce each room by £40 and us pay that ourselves from each room to the venue in order to make it affordable to those who decided they would like to stay. It ended up with the rooms costing less than a normal b&b up the road so that we could have people staying together.

This was all sent out via messages 18 months ago. One of my bridesmaids messages me asking for a room. No problem. I send a message with when deposit is due and when balance is due. 6 weeks before I send a group reminder to everyone. Then 2 weeks before. On the deposit day she messaged she hadnt got the deposit till payday... can i pay if for her and she will give it me back in 2 weeks? So i do... as she a good friend and bridesmaid. 2 weeks pass and nothing. Balance due date comes and goes. So I send a nice message explaining it is due and we have had to cover cost and if there are any issues to please talk to me. Radio silence. I have paid for dresses, hair, makeup, a room for night before for us all... all i asked of the bm’s was that they get a pair of silver shoes. She turns up to fitting after i had done her a massive round trip to save her the fuel to the fittings so with awful clumpy black shoes. But i said nothing. That eve was my DP birthday party and they never turned up. Her DP is a groomsman. He turned up to the suit fitting 30 mins early. Had already been fitted when the rest of the men arrived at the allotted time. He then walks straight past everyone and barges out the door muttering about “having stuff to do”. However that afternoon after the fitting was the stag do while everyone was in one place. Best Man was wondering where the heck this guy had got too and was he coming as he had organised group numbers etc. So i text the BM and asked why he had left and was he not coming to the stag as he wasn’t replying to the best mans messages. I got a really really rude reply back. At 3am I then had messages from her husband who had left the fitting demanding i have DP “ready to go on sat x as were going out for a boy night”. I text back saying I’m really sorry but thats not possible as its the weekend before the wedding and my family are flying 5000 miles and we are having dinner with them. He tried to make me cancel our dinner and “well make it happen!” So i sent back the MN reply “did you mean to be so rude?”. I sent a message to BM saying its a month till the wedding and all this is stressing me out. If we have somehow done something i cant fix it unless she talks to me. And she has really left us in the creek with the room as i have turned people away who have booked now elsewhere and im left with the cost of their room as i can no longer fill it and thats why i asked for deposits and i don’t feel its unreasonable she sends what she owed - the deposit. She totally ignored my message. Dp had a phone call tuesday night saying they are not coming at all now. No reason other than "she doesn't want too". He wants too and had no issues and did apologise for the way he was in the texts.. but she has "forbid it". So now we are a suit and a dress down. I even let her pick her own dress so she wouldnt feel uncomfortable!!

Dp thinks she should pay for her dress as she has pulled out but i cant see that going down well if i sent her a message for £150 dress plus the room she owes for!!

I more than understand what its like to have money problems... but she has known for 18 months and she asked for a room it wasnt forced! Also she has had so much time to talk to me if it was an issue to sort something out. My best friend has said she thinks it may be a case that because i have paid for everything else for this woman maybe she thinks if she put on this i may have offered to pay for her room? I just dont know anymore.

Aibu to think about messaging her for what she owes after dropping us in it? And that do i say?!? My best friend has tried the dress on today and it doesn’t suit her at all. And its too late to order another to arrive in time. Im a dress down, a bridesmaid down, and almost £300 because of this woman 😡. I have bent over backwards to make sure everyone is happy.. wore dresses they were comfy in... round trips to dress fitting to save fuel... and now this off her??

Hunter037 Mon 18-Mar-19 10:17:40

I agree that your "friends" have been very unfair and horrible and should owe you money for her dress and the room.

However I don't think its fair to say that its her fault you are now having to rush around and spend money on a dress for your best mate to be bridesmaid now. The obvious solution is to just have one less bridesmaid, not try and replace her at the last minute. If the dress doesn't fit your best friend, she can't be bridesmaid. She wasn't going to before so don't see why she's so bothered now.

Nomorepies Sun 17-Mar-19 20:14:15

YADNBU. What a horror- the pair of them! Cant see that you’ve done anything wrong here and if anything you’ve been too nice. She’s a CF to ask for a room, refuse to pay and then ignore you. Pathetic behaviour. Mind leaving the hen do for a better party was a dead give away. Cut your losses, move on, you’re better off without her. Sell the dress on EBay and offer room out to anyone else that might be getting a taxi home etc.

Have a great wedding! (You don’t miss those clumpy black shoes anyway!)

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 19:25:25

Chunk! Not chick 🤦🏽‍♀️

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 19:25:02

Yeah, I’m afraid you need to write off the money. I know it’s a big chick but I don’t think you’ll get a penny back and perusing it is only going to drag it on. Just be thankful you can make a fresh start with married life without her.

AriadnePersephoneCloud Sun 17-Mar-19 19:18:58

@shaggyrug has it right. Money well spent to get this hideous pair out of your life. They are awful. You need never talk to them again, guilt free. Massive win!

TruffleShuffles Sun 17-Mar-19 19:15:32

Her an her partner as are both inconsiderate twats OP. I think you’ll have to write off the money as I don’t see them paying, if it’s any consolation at least you found out what they were like before the wedding rather than after and have to see the pair of them in your wedding photos for the rest of your life.

IratePanda Sun 17-Mar-19 18:57:42

She's a cunt. Don't let her get away with it, or she'll chalk it up as another successful incident of being cuntish with no repercussions. People only get away with what you allow them to.

burritofan Sun 17-Mar-19 18:53:32

Send her an itemised invoice in the post. She won't pay it, but it might make you feel better! And it's not like you'd be ending the friendship since she detonated that bridge several times over.

FunSizedNinja Sun 17-Mar-19 17:59:25

I dont even know how to word a message to send to her about paying for her dress. Im left with something she chose that i cant get to fit anyone else and have had to rush out to place an emergency order on a dress today which they cant guarantee will arrive in time or is even the same style. Its a short dress and all the others are long. We have tried to go down the route of having it altered but its the actual style of it - its just doesnt suit my friends shape at all and nothing we can do to fix it seamstress wise 😔. This woman has a lot to answer for tbh. The room i can deal with.. but the dress, room, and now an extra dress and alterations has left me about £400 out of pocket because of her tantrums. Its just not on. I would never do that to anyone

ladymariner Sun 17-Mar-19 17:56:21

Ignore the poster who said you should pay for your guest's the real world guests pay for their own! Think somebody was talking shite there!

thecatsthecats Sun 17-Mar-19 17:42:38

I feel sorry for all of the people who state that they wouldn't get excited for a wedding where they were bridesmaid/shouldn't be out of pocket etc.

I mean, what is the point of being close friends with someone if you don't give a shit about them? No, they don't have to be excited about every little thing, but these people are real shitstains.

And although I paid for my bridesmaids rooms, they thought I was being OTT in doing so.

Mumofaprinny Sun 17-Mar-19 14:52:58

I’m sorry but I would be making her pay, for the room, at least!!😒

wowfudge Sun 17-Mar-19 14:51:52

Could the bodice section of the dress be removed so your best friend has the skirt of the dress and a matching or coordinating top to go with it?

Waveysnail Sun 17-Mar-19 14:08:49

Depending on number of bridesmaids you have - could your friend wear coordinating colour

ahtellthee Sun 17-Mar-19 13:53:42

Put it down to a lucky escape.

LagunaBubbles Sun 17-Mar-19 02:29:28

Who is she OP, was she a close friend?

SandyY2K Sun 17-Mar-19 01:55:24

She sounds like a pain in the neck.


I wouldn't bother contacting her again though. Her and her OH can stay well away.

I have little patience for this kind of nonsense and would just block her number. I'd have been annoyed about the shoes for a start.

I'd be glad she dropped out, because it saves me telling her to step down.

CantStopMeNow Sun 17-Mar-19 01:53:56

i always have to go to here and do the running around and generally be on her terms....She also left my hen party less than halfway through as the had a "better party to go too!".....She couldn't even get a pair of shoes...I asked her to stay as it was my hen and her reply "oh for goodness sake don't be so difficult"

So there were plenty of red flags waving but you chose to ignore them.
I think she never had any intention of being your BM but instead chose this as her way of getting revenge on you for something - or she's just so hideously jealous she wanted to ruin your wedding.

whiteroseredrose Sun 17-Mar-19 00:20:26

Sounds LIKE...

whiteroseredrose Sun 17-Mar-19 00:20:00

Sounds lie you're being philosophical ninja, which is the best approach. Have a great day without her .

FunSizedNinja Sun 17-Mar-19 00:17:40

Thanks all. I wont ask her for the money... will chalk it down to experience and hope she doesnt darken my door again! And to the Pp why i wasnt paying for bm rooms... I had already paid for her dress, makeup, hair, room at the venue for the night before, done all the running around for her etc. (Plus i cant do that for all of them!) She couldn't even get a pair of shoes or grace me with her presence at my hen. I asked her to stay as it was my hen and her reply "oh for goodness sake don't be so difficult". I think she really thought i would fork out for her room if she ignored the messages. According to my DP when her DP rang him he sounded mortified and offered to cover the cost of his suit, but my dp said we can sort the suit as his cousin can step in. At least one of them has some decency - just a shame its not the one of them who should be paying for their outfit. Ill look of the bright side - at least i wont her stuck on my photos for all eternity!

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 00:02:02

That did help, thanks but weirdly I posted before that post and it didn’t go up for half an hour.

MarthasGinYard Sat 16-Mar-19 23:57:44

TBH I would pay for rooms for my BM's etc.

However it sounds like she doesn't like you very much so I'd sell the dress and ask someone else if they'd like the room

SteelRiver Sat 16-Mar-19 23:50:29

If I was feeling angry enough to be vindictive, and never wanted her to darken my door again, I'd raise a Money Claim Online, through the small claims court. Might not win, but it'll probably give her one heck of a shock.

YANBU at all to be so upset. What a selfish cow this woman is.

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Mar-19 23:50:11

Although now! Why isn’t your best friend a bridesmaid?

^ Post Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:39^


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