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Dropped in the crap by "friend"?

(80 Posts)
FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:08:42

I have no idea if I AMU and need to ask for some advice! Sorry if its long!

My DP and I get married in a month. We have booked a lovely venue where there are rooms to stay overnight are an additional cost. When we booked DP and I asked who wanted a room, with the priority going to bridal party and then offered out to evening guests. DP and I decided to reduce each room by £40 and us pay that ourselves from each room to the venue in order to make it affordable to those who decided they would like to stay. It ended up with the rooms costing less than a normal b&b up the road so that we could have people staying together.

This was all sent out via messages 18 months ago. One of my bridesmaids messages me asking for a room. No problem. I send a message with when deposit is due and when balance is due. 6 weeks before I send a group reminder to everyone. Then 2 weeks before. On the deposit day she messaged she hadnt got the deposit till payday... can i pay if for her and she will give it me back in 2 weeks? So i do... as she a good friend and bridesmaid. 2 weeks pass and nothing. Balance due date comes and goes. So I send a nice message explaining it is due and we have had to cover cost and if there are any issues to please talk to me. Radio silence. I have paid for dresses, hair, makeup, a room for night before for us all... all i asked of the bm’s was that they get a pair of silver shoes. She turns up to fitting after i had done her a massive round trip to save her the fuel to the fittings so with awful clumpy black shoes. But i said nothing. That eve was my DP birthday party and they never turned up. Her DP is a groomsman. He turned up to the suit fitting 30 mins early. Had already been fitted when the rest of the men arrived at the allotted time. He then walks straight past everyone and barges out the door muttering about “having stuff to do”. However that afternoon after the fitting was the stag do while everyone was in one place. Best Man was wondering where the heck this guy had got too and was he coming as he had organised group numbers etc. So i text the BM and asked why he had left and was he not coming to the stag as he wasn’t replying to the best mans messages. I got a really really rude reply back. At 3am I then had messages from her husband who had left the fitting demanding i have DP “ready to go on sat x as were going out for a boy night”. I text back saying I’m really sorry but thats not possible as its the weekend before the wedding and my family are flying 5000 miles and we are having dinner with them. He tried to make me cancel our dinner and “well make it happen!” So i sent back the MN reply “did you mean to be so rude?”. I sent a message to BM saying its a month till the wedding and all this is stressing me out. If we have somehow done something i cant fix it unless she talks to me. And she has really left us in the creek with the room as i have turned people away who have booked now elsewhere and im left with the cost of their room as i can no longer fill it and thats why i asked for deposits and i don’t feel its unreasonable she sends what she owed - the deposit. She totally ignored my message. Dp had a phone call tuesday night saying they are not coming at all now. No reason other than "she doesn't want too". He wants too and had no issues and did apologise for the way he was in the texts.. but she has "forbid it". So now we are a suit and a dress down. I even let her pick her own dress so she wouldnt feel uncomfortable!!

Dp thinks she should pay for her dress as she has pulled out but i cant see that going down well if i sent her a message for £150 dress plus the room she owes for!!

I more than understand what its like to have money problems... but she has known for 18 months and she asked for a room it wasnt forced! Also she has had so much time to talk to me if it was an issue to sort something out. My best friend has said she thinks it may be a case that because i have paid for everything else for this woman maybe she thinks if she put on this i may have offered to pay for her room? I just dont know anymore.

Aibu to think about messaging her for what she owes after dropping us in it? And that do i say?!? My best friend has tried the dress on today and it doesn’t suit her at all. And its too late to order another to arrive in time. Im a dress down, a bridesmaid down, and almost £300 because of this woman 😡. I have bent over backwards to make sure everyone is happy.. wore dresses they were comfy in... round trips to dress fitting to save fuel... and now this off her??

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:26:24

Sorry huge x post. Glad she is well smile

MortyVicar Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:07

Don't beg, plead, or try to sort it out. Take her at her word that she's not coming. Could you and STBDH get any wear out of the dress/suit or are the sizes too different?

Whatever you thought your friendship was based on, she didn't think the same. Which is making me wonder if, in the past, you've always danced to her tune, done what she wanted, when and how - and now that you're getting married and asking her to do some (really very small) things your way and for you, she's showing you her true colours. And potentially showing you that she's a user.

MuddlingMackem Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:42

Regarding the dress and your best friend, if it still has the tags and it's unworn, would the place you bought it from be willing to do an exchange to something which would work for your best friend? It never hurts to explain the situation to them and ask. The worst that can happen is they say no. And if they say yes, at least that way she could still be bridesmaid if she's feeling well enough on the day.

Starlight456 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:28:26

This woman isn’t your friend but I echo the why isn’t your friend the bridesmaid

MinorChef Sat 16-Mar-19 22:28:34

YADNBU in expecting a member of.your bridal party to pay for a room. I just needed to respond to that point...

BorsetshireBlew Sat 16-Mar-19 22:29:53

How bad can the dress be on your friend? Can't she just wear it anyway?

Ruru8thestars Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:08

Minor - she explained she offered it as an option. It wasn’t an expectation

ketchupormayo Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:40

You really do find out who your true friends are when you get married. Sounds like you'd be better off without her

Merryoldgoat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:44

YADNBU but you won’t see any money. Ask her but write it off mentally.

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:33:07

Minor agreed with you surely

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:33:26

Why do you think she's insisting they don't go?

Goldmandra Sat 16-Mar-19 22:34:22

Sounds like shes a CF and your wedding present is to have her out of your life.

Could you get the dress altered for your best friend?

anickelstory Sat 16-Mar-19 22:36:30

Yes your BM anx her DH are being awful.

But, you can't change that .
So now your best bet is to write it off to experience, sell the dress, and let another guest use the room free of charge.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 16-Mar-19 22:40:09

They sound horrible, especially her. I also think they don’t want to pay for the hotel room or can’t afford it and have created a situation to getting out of paying by making this your fault. It isn’t. She chose to accept the role of bridesmaid. It is very normal to supply shoes. She also chose to agree to pay for the room.

Once she said she wanted the room you were in an impossible situation. Had you said you needed the deposit by x date and then cancelled their booking, they would have also blamed you and decided they would no longer attend the wedding.

That is deffo worth a try.

BarryTheKestrel Sat 16-Mar-19 22:40:47

Write it off. Write her and her DH off. They clearly don't care for you or your DP at all.

If the dress still has tags etc see if the shop will exchange it for something else? Even at a reduced rate (if you've had it a while the price would probably have dropped) you may be able to find something for your best friend to wear as a bridesmaid instead or something for you for your honeymoon!

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:42:45

I would ask around - see if anyone else can use the room. Failing that, speak to the venue and see what they can do. If you have to pay for it, maybe they could add a day onto another booking instead and/or you could gift it to someone?

Ariela Sat 16-Mar-19 22:43:40

I'd circulate a note to the attendees that a room has come free at the venue if anyone is interested. You may find someone has a business account with wherever they've booked (some of the big chains) and can transfer the booking to elsewhere another date so won't loose out but would prefer on the wedding day not to travel from the actual venue to hotel

chilledteacher Sat 16-Mar-19 22:45:01

Regarding the dress- I agree with the PP who said see if they will do an exchange at the shop for something less bridesmaid for your best friend.
If you do decide to sell I would hold off about a month- then you will hit the start of prom season and might get more for it.

Purplecatshopaholic Sat 16-Mar-19 22:45:19

Jeezo, she sounds like a horror - dont know how people can behave like this , its your wedding FFS.

Walkaround Sat 16-Mar-19 22:46:39

Why is this weird woman one of your bridesmaids? Sounds like a lucky escape not to have her there on the day, tbh.

cstaff Sat 16-Mar-19 22:46:53

Weddings really do show people's true colours whether it is a bridezilla or in this case a not so good friend. Hopefully your real friend can change the dress or get something suitable before your day. wine

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:48:34

If you're gifting it to someone you'd planned to give something else to (eg. a thank you present for parents etc), maybe try to get a refund on that instead?

OddCat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:49:10

Could your dh to be have a word with her husband and ask for the money and also what the heck's wrong with her. You've got nothing to lose.

I can't get my head round how people behave sometimes.

HedgerowTree Sat 16-Mar-19 22:50:14

They sound horrid leaving the hen and stag do saying that. Sell the dress or see if a dress maker can alter it for your friend or buy a cheap alternative

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:52:12

To a Pp, you have hit the nail there 🤔. I can count on one hand the amount of times she has come to mine... i always have to go to here and do the running around and generally be on her terms. The dress cant be altered, its not that it doesnt fit, the style is so unflattering i cant ask my friend to wear it, I wouldnt like to be in something that does nothing for me - so i wont ask it of her. I have asked to exchange or return the dress. Its a no go as its over 28 days 😔. The store have none on the rack in the colour that fit my friend... nor is there enough time even if i bit the bullet and ordered one.

So that's a no go. I have put a group message out - thank-you. Im hoping someone will have a no cancellation fee and be able to take it. I would understand if we had sprung it on people... but if it IS the money.. she has had 18 months? But has 4 times this week posted on insta about her meals out.. new gym gear etc... i will write her off. Just bloody seething!

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