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Dropped in the crap by "friend"?

(80 Posts)
FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:08:42

I have no idea if I AMU and need to ask for some advice! Sorry if its long!

My DP and I get married in a month. We have booked a lovely venue where there are rooms to stay overnight are an additional cost. When we booked DP and I asked who wanted a room, with the priority going to bridal party and then offered out to evening guests. DP and I decided to reduce each room by £40 and us pay that ourselves from each room to the venue in order to make it affordable to those who decided they would like to stay. It ended up with the rooms costing less than a normal b&b up the road so that we could have people staying together.

This was all sent out via messages 18 months ago. One of my bridesmaids messages me asking for a room. No problem. I send a message with when deposit is due and when balance is due. 6 weeks before I send a group reminder to everyone. Then 2 weeks before. On the deposit day she messaged she hadnt got the deposit till payday... can i pay if for her and she will give it me back in 2 weeks? So i do... as she a good friend and bridesmaid. 2 weeks pass and nothing. Balance due date comes and goes. So I send a nice message explaining it is due and we have had to cover cost and if there are any issues to please talk to me. Radio silence. I have paid for dresses, hair, makeup, a room for night before for us all... all i asked of the bm’s was that they get a pair of silver shoes. She turns up to fitting after i had done her a massive round trip to save her the fuel to the fittings so with awful clumpy black shoes. But i said nothing. That eve was my DP birthday party and they never turned up. Her DP is a groomsman. He turned up to the suit fitting 30 mins early. Had already been fitted when the rest of the men arrived at the allotted time. He then walks straight past everyone and barges out the door muttering about “having stuff to do”. However that afternoon after the fitting was the stag do while everyone was in one place. Best Man was wondering where the heck this guy had got too and was he coming as he had organised group numbers etc. So i text the BM and asked why he had left and was he not coming to the stag as he wasn’t replying to the best mans messages. I got a really really rude reply back. At 3am I then had messages from her husband who had left the fitting demanding i have DP “ready to go on sat x as were going out for a boy night”. I text back saying I’m really sorry but thats not possible as its the weekend before the wedding and my family are flying 5000 miles and we are having dinner with them. He tried to make me cancel our dinner and “well make it happen!” So i sent back the MN reply “did you mean to be so rude?”. I sent a message to BM saying its a month till the wedding and all this is stressing me out. If we have somehow done something i cant fix it unless she talks to me. And she has really left us in the creek with the room as i have turned people away who have booked now elsewhere and im left with the cost of their room as i can no longer fill it and thats why i asked for deposits and i don’t feel its unreasonable she sends what she owed - the deposit. She totally ignored my message. Dp had a phone call tuesday night saying they are not coming at all now. No reason other than "she doesn't want too". He wants too and had no issues and did apologise for the way he was in the texts.. but she has "forbid it". So now we are a suit and a dress down. I even let her pick her own dress so she wouldnt feel uncomfortable!!

Dp thinks she should pay for her dress as she has pulled out but i cant see that going down well if i sent her a message for £150 dress plus the room she owes for!!

I more than understand what its like to have money problems... but she has known for 18 months and she asked for a room it wasnt forced! Also she has had so much time to talk to me if it was an issue to sort something out. My best friend has said she thinks it may be a case that because i have paid for everything else for this woman maybe she thinks if she put on this i may have offered to pay for her room? I just dont know anymore.

Aibu to think about messaging her for what she owes after dropping us in it? And that do i say?!? My best friend has tried the dress on today and it doesn’t suit her at all. And its too late to order another to arrive in time. Im a dress down, a bridesmaid down, and almost £300 because of this woman 😡. I have bent over backwards to make sure everyone is happy.. wore dresses they were comfy in... round trips to dress fitting to save fuel... and now this off her??

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:10:41

She also left my hen party less than halfway through as the had a "better party to go too!" 😱😡

stiffstink Sat 16-Mar-19 22:13:22

Why is your best friend trying on this bridesmaids dress? I don’t understand that bit.

Princessmushroom Sat 16-Mar-19 22:14:08

YABU to expect your wedding party to pay for their rooms

TAMumof3 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:14:48

I think she just can't afford to come to your wedding.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 16-Mar-19 22:15:04

Well she sounds bloody awful. I'm sorry OP. Obviously a decent person would pay you back for the room and the dress - does she still have the dress?! She doesn't sound like a decent person though. I would write her off as a friend and probably give up on the money as I doubt you'll see it again.

Ironymaiden Sat 16-Mar-19 22:15:22

Can you sell her dress on eBay?

scissorsandpen Sat 16-Mar-19 22:16:18

I think you cut your losses on this one lost friend lost money. No point going
Back to her and expecting anything esp not the dress . Hard and horrible just try to forget it and enjoy your big day !

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:16:27

How am i? Its a hotel with rooms... if they wanted to stay overnight they had priority on rooms but had to pay a deposit. I have stopped many times when attending weddings at hotels! We ASKED people... not made any demands for them to stay at all. It was individuals choice. My friend tried the dress on today to see if we could salvage the situation and her wear it and take the other woman's place if that makes sense

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sat 16-Mar-19 22:17:23

Although it is such an important day and event to you, it really isn’t to other people and often they just don’t have the money to spend. I don’t think someone who is a member of your bridal party should be left out of pocket.

MaudeLynne Sat 16-Mar-19 22:18:06

Who is she? Why isn't your `best friend' a bridesmaid?

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:18:10

Thanks ladies. Thank goodness I have the dress here I can try to sell. It has all tags and unaltered but doubt i will get much for it. If she would have just spoken to me about whatever issue there is i could have tried to fix it? But to do this to us so close is awful

rededucator Sat 16-Mar-19 22:19:50

Why wasn't your best friend a bridesmaid but this hag was?

ShaggyRug Sat 16-Mar-19 22:20:34

If I was you I’d tell her to go fuck herself, never darken your door again, and consider it money well spent to weed out such a vile person from your life. But I don’t tolerate people like this full stop so that’s just me.

Princessmushroom Sat 16-Mar-19 22:21:01

Weddings do this to people. We paid an insane amount of money for everyone’s meal and 7 people just didn’t turn up on the day. We paid over £500 for food no one was there to eat. My ‘best friend’ never spoke to me again either.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Sat 16-Mar-19 22:21:24

If she’s your best friend why wasn’t she bridesmaid to begin with?

FunkyColdMedina19 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:39

Don't understand those who are saying the op is being unreasonable or that the bm is left out of pocket? The only thing she had to supply was shoes, its easy to get a cheap pair of shoes. She didnt have to have a room, dhe CHOSE to and now won't cough up.
I understand having money problems, I really do but she should have spoke to the op and told her what was going on, not left her out of pocket.
If i was you op id just accept that you're not gonna see the money again. Just be thankful she won't be there on your day causing drama

burritofan Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:55

They both sound like cunts, but at least they're a good match for each other. Cut your losses. Make it known there's a free room should anyone need it last-minute to escape snoring or drunken partners. Sell the dress. Let ol' clumpy black shoes swivel.

Xyzzzzz Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:59

I don’t think your being unreasonable. If she can’t afford it she should have said.

I think you might have to write off the money but consider if you want to still be friends, I think that’s the bigger question

afrikat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:23:19

She sounds awful and not a friend. Since this is MN you will get loads of people chiming in saying she doesn't have to be excited, just because it's your wedding you shouldn't expect her to put herself out blah blah but in the real world friends are excited for each other and as a bridesmaid she should be especially there for you. She has acted horribly and I would cut my losses and try to return the dress etc if you can. Is there anyone else who might want the room?

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sat 16-Mar-19 22:23:44

Why was this friends a bridesmaid in the first place and not your best friend?

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:39

Thankyou to those making me feel as though its okay to be angry! My best friend didn't initially want to be a bridesmaid as she hasnt been well at all and didnt want to commit to a dress etc as she didnt know how she would he in the runup to the wedding and preferred to just come as a normal guest. Thankfully the last few weeks thongs are a lot better for her. Although if she is taken unwell i wouldnt be upset in the slightest as she cant help that!

fruitbrewhaha Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:48

It doesn't sound like either of them are good friends. You are better off without them as friends, bridesmaids or guests at your wedding.

Is there really no one else that can take the room. There will be someone who has not booked yet or only paid a deposit for somewhere. Put a message out to all guests to say there is a room that you have paid for and you would be happy to take what anyone can afford.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay Sat 16-Mar-19 22:25:05

YANBU

You might not get it but ask her for the money anyway. She has been incredibly rude. If she had money issues or something else she could have talked to you about it any time.

You have made every effort to make being a bridesmaid easy for her, paying for the room was not too much to ask at all.

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:25:58

Yes why wasn't your best friend a bm? Or were they all family

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:26:24

Sorry huge x post. Glad she is well smile

MortyVicar Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:07

Don't beg, plead, or try to sort it out. Take her at her word that she's not coming. Could you and STBDH get any wear out of the dress/suit or are the sizes too different?

Whatever you thought your friendship was based on, she didn't think the same. Which is making me wonder if, in the past, you've always danced to her tune, done what she wanted, when and how - and now that you're getting married and asking her to do some (really very small) things your way and for you, she's showing you her true colours. And potentially showing you that she's a user.

MuddlingMackem Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:42

Regarding the dress and your best friend, if it still has the tags and it's unworn, would the place you bought it from be willing to do an exchange to something which would work for your best friend? It never hurts to explain the situation to them and ask. The worst that can happen is they say no. And if they say yes, at least that way she could still be bridesmaid if she's feeling well enough on the day.

Starlight456 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:28:26

This woman isn’t your friend but I echo the why isn’t your friend the bridesmaid

MinorChef Sat 16-Mar-19 22:28:34

YADNBU in expecting a member of.your bridal party to pay for a room. I just needed to respond to that point...

BorsetshireBlew Sat 16-Mar-19 22:29:53

How bad can the dress be on your friend? Can't she just wear it anyway?

Ruru8thestars Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:08

Minor - she explained she offered it as an option. It wasn’t an expectation

ketchupormayo Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:40

You really do find out who your true friends are when you get married. Sounds like you'd be better off without her

Merryoldgoat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:32:44

YADNBU but you won’t see any money. Ask her but write it off mentally.

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:33:07

Minor agreed with you surely

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:33:26

Why do you think she's insisting they don't go?

Goldmandra Sat 16-Mar-19 22:34:22

Sounds like shes a CF and your wedding present is to have her out of your life.

Could you get the dress altered for your best friend?

anickelstory Sat 16-Mar-19 22:36:30

Yes your BM anx her DH are being awful.

But, you can't change that .
So now your best bet is to write it off to experience, sell the dress, and let another guest use the room free of charge.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 16-Mar-19 22:40:09

YANBU
They sound horrible, especially her. I also think they don’t want to pay for the hotel room or can’t afford it and have created a situation to getting out of paying by making this your fault. It isn’t. She chose to accept the role of bridesmaid. It is very normal to supply shoes. She also chose to agree to pay for the room.

Once she said she wanted the room you were in an impossible situation. Had you said you needed the deposit by x date and then cancelled their booking, they would have also blamed you and decided they would no longer attend the wedding.

Muddling
That is deffo worth a try.

BarryTheKestrel Sat 16-Mar-19 22:40:47

Write it off. Write her and her DH off. They clearly don't care for you or your DP at all.

If the dress still has tags etc see if the shop will exchange it for something else? Even at a reduced rate (if you've had it a while the price would probably have dropped) you may be able to find something for your best friend to wear as a bridesmaid instead or something for you for your honeymoon!

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:42:45

I would ask around - see if anyone else can use the room. Failing that, speak to the venue and see what they can do. If you have to pay for it, maybe they could add a day onto another booking instead and/or you could gift it to someone?

Ariela Sat 16-Mar-19 22:43:40

I'd circulate a note to the attendees that a room has come free at the venue if anyone is interested. You may find someone has a business account with wherever they've booked (some of the big chains) and can transfer the booking to elsewhere another date so won't loose out but would prefer on the wedding day not to travel from the actual venue to hotel

chilledteacher Sat 16-Mar-19 22:45:01

Regarding the dress- I agree with the PP who said see if they will do an exchange at the shop for something less bridesmaid for your best friend.
If you do decide to sell I would hold off about a month- then you will hit the start of prom season and might get more for it.

Purplecatshopaholic Sat 16-Mar-19 22:45:19

Jeezo, she sounds like a horror - dont know how people can behave like this , its your wedding FFS.

Walkaround Sat 16-Mar-19 22:46:39

Why is this weird woman one of your bridesmaids? Sounds like a lucky escape not to have her there on the day, tbh.

cstaff Sat 16-Mar-19 22:46:53

Weddings really do show people's true colours whether it is a bridezilla or in this case a not so good friend. Hopefully your real friend can change the dress or get something suitable before your day. wine

SandAndSea Sat 16-Mar-19 22:48:34

If you're gifting it to someone you'd planned to give something else to (eg. a thank you present for parents etc), maybe try to get a refund on that instead?

OddCat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:49:10

Could your dh to be have a word with her husband and ask for the money and also what the heck's wrong with her. You've got nothing to lose.

I can't get my head round how people behave sometimes.

HedgerowTree Sat 16-Mar-19 22:50:14

They sound horrid leaving the hen and stag do saying that. Sell the dress or see if a dress maker can alter it for your friend or buy a cheap alternative

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:52:12

To a Pp, you have hit the nail there 🤔. I can count on one hand the amount of times she has come to mine... i always have to go to here and do the running around and generally be on her terms. The dress cant be altered, its not that it doesnt fit, the style is so unflattering i cant ask my friend to wear it, I wouldnt like to be in something that does nothing for me - so i wont ask it of her. I have asked to exchange or return the dress. Its a no go as its over 28 days 😔. The store have none on the rack in the colour that fit my friend... nor is there enough time even if i bit the bullet and ordered one.

So that's a no go. I have put a group message out - thank-you. Im hoping someone will have a no cancellation fee and be able to take it. I would understand if we had sprung it on people... but if it IS the money.. she has had 18 months? But has 4 times this week posted on insta about her meals out.. new gym gear etc... i will write her off. Just bloody seething!

MiddleClassProblem Sat 16-Mar-19 22:52:37

Although now! Why isn’t your best friend a bridesmaid?

Lizzie48 Sat 16-Mar-19 23:01:39

It sounds like you're well rid, she and her DH really are CFs of the worst kind. YADNBU.

Bellendejour Sat 16-Mar-19 23:39:58

Could you take the dress to a tailor and get it altered to a different style that suits your best friend. They can probably do something clever for not too much money. Or do you know anyone who can sew and do the same? Then it’s the right colour and a more flattering style. I’m sure something could be made of it.

Sorry this witch and her equally hideous bf have been so awful but I think best to know now and start your married life free of this awful pair!

NotSorry Sat 16-Mar-19 23:47:46

Read the thread people - the OP has already explained why the best friend isn’t bridesmaid - and to the PP saying that OP is unreasonable for expecting guests to pay for rooms - don’t be ridiculous.

I’m sure there are people on this site that just write goady responses for the fun of it.

mumwon Sat 16-Mar-19 23:47:47

look bite the bullet - try to sell dress & get someone to take the room if not - sorry your down on money & I hope you can afford it - but best thing is to forget them - & look forward to your day you are better without them being there

Nanny0gg Sat 16-Mar-19 23:50:11

Although now! Why isn’t your best friend a bridesmaid?

^ Post Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:39^

HTH

SteelRiver Sat 16-Mar-19 23:50:29

If I was feeling angry enough to be vindictive, and never wanted her to darken my door again, I'd raise a Money Claim Online, through the small claims court. Might not win, but it'll probably give her one heck of a shock.

YANBU at all to be so upset. What a selfish cow this woman is.

MarthasGinYard Sat 16-Mar-19 23:57:44

TBH I would pay for rooms for my BM's etc.

However it sounds like she doesn't like you very much so I'd sell the dress and ask someone else if they'd like the room

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 00:02:02

That did help, thanks but weirdly I posted before that post and it didn’t go up for half an hour.

FunSizedNinja Sun 17-Mar-19 00:17:40

Thanks all. I wont ask her for the money... will chalk it down to experience and hope she doesnt darken my door again! And to the Pp why i wasnt paying for bm rooms... I had already paid for her dress, makeup, hair, room at the venue for the night before, done all the running around for her etc. (Plus i cant do that for all of them!) She couldn't even get a pair of shoes or grace me with her presence at my hen. I asked her to stay as it was my hen and her reply "oh for goodness sake don't be so difficult". I think she really thought i would fork out for her room if she ignored the messages. According to my DP when her DP rang him he sounded mortified and offered to cover the cost of his suit, but my dp said we can sort the suit as his cousin can step in. At least one of them has some decency - just a shame its not the one of them who should be paying for their outfit. Ill look of the bright side - at least i wont her stuck on my photos for all eternity!

whiteroseredrose Sun 17-Mar-19 00:20:00

Sounds lie you're being philosophical ninja, which is the best approach. Have a great day without her .

whiteroseredrose Sun 17-Mar-19 00:20:26

Sounds LIKE...

CantStopMeNow Sun 17-Mar-19 01:53:56

i always have to go to here and do the running around and generally be on her terms....She also left my hen party less than halfway through as the had a "better party to go too!".....She couldn't even get a pair of shoes...I asked her to stay as it was my hen and her reply "oh for goodness sake don't be so difficult"

So there were plenty of red flags waving but you chose to ignore them.
I think she never had any intention of being your BM but instead chose this as her way of getting revenge on you for something - or she's just so hideously jealous she wanted to ruin your wedding.

SandyY2K Sun 17-Mar-19 01:55:24

She sounds like a pain in the neck.

YANBU.

I wouldn't bother contacting her again though. Her and her OH can stay well away.

I have little patience for this kind of nonsense and would just block her number. I'd have been annoyed about the shoes for a start.

I'd be glad she dropped out, because it saves me telling her to step down.

LagunaBubbles Sun 17-Mar-19 02:29:28

Who is she OP, was she a close friend?

ahtellthee Sun 17-Mar-19 13:53:42

Put it down to a lucky escape.

Waveysnail Sun 17-Mar-19 14:08:49

Depending on number of bridesmaids you have - could your friend wear coordinating colour

wowfudge Sun 17-Mar-19 14:51:52

Could the bodice section of the dress be removed so your best friend has the skirt of the dress and a matching or coordinating top to go with it?

Mumofaprinny Sun 17-Mar-19 14:52:58

I’m sorry but I would be making her pay, for the room, at least!!😒

thecatsthecats Sun 17-Mar-19 17:42:38

I feel sorry for all of the people who state that they wouldn't get excited for a wedding where they were bridesmaid/shouldn't be out of pocket etc.

I mean, what is the point of being close friends with someone if you don't give a shit about them? No, they don't have to be excited about every little thing, but these people are real shitstains.

And although I paid for my bridesmaids rooms, they thought I was being OTT in doing so.

ladymariner Sun 17-Mar-19 17:56:21

Ignore the poster who said you should pay for your guest's rooms....in the real world guests pay for their own! Think somebody was talking shite there!
Yanbu!

FunSizedNinja Sun 17-Mar-19 17:59:25

I dont even know how to word a message to send to her about paying for her dress. Im left with something she chose that i cant get to fit anyone else and have had to rush out to place an emergency order on a dress today which they cant guarantee will arrive in time or is even the same style. Its a short dress and all the others are long. We have tried to go down the route of having it altered but its the actual style of it - its just doesnt suit my friends shape at all and nothing we can do to fix it seamstress wise 😔. This woman has a lot to answer for tbh. The room i can deal with.. but the dress, room, and now an extra dress and alterations has left me about £400 out of pocket because of her tantrums. Its just not on. I would never do that to anyone

burritofan Sun 17-Mar-19 18:53:32

Send her an itemised invoice in the post. She won't pay it, but it might make you feel better! And it's not like you'd be ending the friendship since she detonated that bridge several times over.

IratePanda Sun 17-Mar-19 18:57:42

She's a cunt. Don't let her get away with it, or she'll chalk it up as another successful incident of being cuntish with no repercussions. People only get away with what you allow them to.

TruffleShuffles Sun 17-Mar-19 19:15:32

Her an her partner as are both inconsiderate twats OP. I think you’ll have to write off the money as I don’t see them paying, if it’s any consolation at least you found out what they were like before the wedding rather than after and have to see the pair of them in your wedding photos for the rest of your life.

AriadnePersephoneCloud Sun 17-Mar-19 19:18:58

@shaggyrug has it right. Money well spent to get this hideous pair out of your life. They are awful. You need never talk to them again, guilt free. Massive win!

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 19:25:02

Yeah, I’m afraid you need to write off the money. I know it’s a big chick but I don’t think you’ll get a penny back and perusing it is only going to drag it on. Just be thankful you can make a fresh start with married life without her.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 17-Mar-19 19:25:25

Chunk! Not chick 🤦🏽‍♀️

Nomorepies Sun 17-Mar-19 20:14:15

YADNBU. What a horror- the pair of them! Cant see that you’ve done anything wrong here and if anything you’ve been too nice. She’s a CF to ask for a room, refuse to pay and then ignore you. Pathetic behaviour. Mind leaving the hen do for a better party was a dead give away. Cut your losses, move on, you’re better off without her. Sell the dress on EBay and offer room out to anyone else that might be getting a taxi home etc.

Have a great wedding! (You don’t miss those clumpy black shoes anyway!)

Hunter037 Mon 18-Mar-19 10:17:40

I agree that your "friends" have been very unfair and horrible and should owe you money for her dress and the room.

However I don't think its fair to say that its her fault you are now having to rush around and spend money on a dress for your best mate to be bridesmaid now. The obvious solution is to just have one less bridesmaid, not try and replace her at the last minute. If the dress doesn't fit your best friend, she can't be bridesmaid. She wasn't going to before so don't see why she's so bothered now.

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