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Dropped in the crap by "friend"?

(80 Posts)
FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:08:42

I have no idea if I AMU and need to ask for some advice! Sorry if its long!

My DP and I get married in a month. We have booked a lovely venue where there are rooms to stay overnight are an additional cost. When we booked DP and I asked who wanted a room, with the priority going to bridal party and then offered out to evening guests. DP and I decided to reduce each room by £40 and us pay that ourselves from each room to the venue in order to make it affordable to those who decided they would like to stay. It ended up with the rooms costing less than a normal b&b up the road so that we could have people staying together.

This was all sent out via messages 18 months ago. One of my bridesmaids messages me asking for a room. No problem. I send a message with when deposit is due and when balance is due. 6 weeks before I send a group reminder to everyone. Then 2 weeks before. On the deposit day she messaged she hadnt got the deposit till payday... can i pay if for her and she will give it me back in 2 weeks? So i do... as she a good friend and bridesmaid. 2 weeks pass and nothing. Balance due date comes and goes. So I send a nice message explaining it is due and we have had to cover cost and if there are any issues to please talk to me. Radio silence. I have paid for dresses, hair, makeup, a room for night before for us all... all i asked of the bm’s was that they get a pair of silver shoes. She turns up to fitting after i had done her a massive round trip to save her the fuel to the fittings so with awful clumpy black shoes. But i said nothing. That eve was my DP birthday party and they never turned up. Her DP is a groomsman. He turned up to the suit fitting 30 mins early. Had already been fitted when the rest of the men arrived at the allotted time. He then walks straight past everyone and barges out the door muttering about “having stuff to do”. However that afternoon after the fitting was the stag do while everyone was in one place. Best Man was wondering where the heck this guy had got too and was he coming as he had organised group numbers etc. So i text the BM and asked why he had left and was he not coming to the stag as he wasn’t replying to the best mans messages. I got a really really rude reply back. At 3am I then had messages from her husband who had left the fitting demanding i have DP “ready to go on sat x as were going out for a boy night”. I text back saying I’m really sorry but thats not possible as its the weekend before the wedding and my family are flying 5000 miles and we are having dinner with them. He tried to make me cancel our dinner and “well make it happen!” So i sent back the MN reply “did you mean to be so rude?”. I sent a message to BM saying its a month till the wedding and all this is stressing me out. If we have somehow done something i cant fix it unless she talks to me. And she has really left us in the creek with the room as i have turned people away who have booked now elsewhere and im left with the cost of their room as i can no longer fill it and thats why i asked for deposits and i don’t feel its unreasonable she sends what she owed - the deposit. She totally ignored my message. Dp had a phone call tuesday night saying they are not coming at all now. No reason other than "she doesn't want too". He wants too and had no issues and did apologise for the way he was in the texts.. but she has "forbid it". So now we are a suit and a dress down. I even let her pick her own dress so she wouldnt feel uncomfortable!!

Dp thinks she should pay for her dress as she has pulled out but i cant see that going down well if i sent her a message for £150 dress plus the room she owes for!!

I more than understand what its like to have money problems... but she has known for 18 months and she asked for a room it wasnt forced! Also she has had so much time to talk to me if it was an issue to sort something out. My best friend has said she thinks it may be a case that because i have paid for everything else for this woman maybe she thinks if she put on this i may have offered to pay for her room? I just dont know anymore.

Aibu to think about messaging her for what she owes after dropping us in it? And that do i say?!? My best friend has tried the dress on today and it doesn’t suit her at all. And its too late to order another to arrive in time. Im a dress down, a bridesmaid down, and almost £300 because of this woman 😡. I have bent over backwards to make sure everyone is happy.. wore dresses they were comfy in... round trips to dress fitting to save fuel... and now this off her??

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:10:41

She also left my hen party less than halfway through as the had a "better party to go too!" 😱😡

stiffstink Sat 16-Mar-19 22:13:22

Why is your best friend trying on this bridesmaids dress? I don’t understand that bit.

Princessmushroom Sat 16-Mar-19 22:14:08

YABU to expect your wedding party to pay for their rooms

TAMumof3 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:14:48

I think she just can't afford to come to your wedding.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 16-Mar-19 22:15:04

Well she sounds bloody awful. I'm sorry OP. Obviously a decent person would pay you back for the room and the dress - does she still have the dress?! She doesn't sound like a decent person though. I would write her off as a friend and probably give up on the money as I doubt you'll see it again.

Ironymaiden Sat 16-Mar-19 22:15:22

Can you sell her dress on eBay?

scissorsandpen Sat 16-Mar-19 22:16:18

I think you cut your losses on this one lost friend lost money. No point going
Back to her and expecting anything esp not the dress . Hard and horrible just try to forget it and enjoy your big day !

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:16:27

How am i? Its a hotel with rooms... if they wanted to stay overnight they had priority on rooms but had to pay a deposit. I have stopped many times when attending weddings at hotels! We ASKED people... not made any demands for them to stay at all. It was individuals choice. My friend tried the dress on today to see if we could salvage the situation and her wear it and take the other woman's place if that makes sense

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sat 16-Mar-19 22:17:23

Although it is such an important day and event to you, it really isn’t to other people and often they just don’t have the money to spend. I don’t think someone who is a member of your bridal party should be left out of pocket.

MaudeLynne Sat 16-Mar-19 22:18:06

Who is she? Why isn't your `best friend' a bridesmaid?

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:18:10

Thanks ladies. Thank goodness I have the dress here I can try to sell. It has all tags and unaltered but doubt i will get much for it. If she would have just spoken to me about whatever issue there is i could have tried to fix it? But to do this to us so close is awful

rededucator Sat 16-Mar-19 22:19:50

Why wasn't your best friend a bridesmaid but this hag was?

ShaggyRug Sat 16-Mar-19 22:20:34

If I was you I’d tell her to go fuck herself, never darken your door again, and consider it money well spent to weed out such a vile person from your life. But I don’t tolerate people like this full stop so that’s just me.

Princessmushroom Sat 16-Mar-19 22:21:01

Weddings do this to people. We paid an insane amount of money for everyone’s meal and 7 people just didn’t turn up on the day. We paid over £500 for food no one was there to eat. My ‘best friend’ never spoke to me again either.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Sat 16-Mar-19 22:21:24

If she’s your best friend why wasn’t she bridesmaid to begin with?

FunkyColdMedina19 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:39

Don't understand those who are saying the op is being unreasonable or that the bm is left out of pocket? The only thing she had to supply was shoes, its easy to get a cheap pair of shoes. She didnt have to have a room, dhe CHOSE to and now won't cough up.
I understand having money problems, I really do but she should have spoke to the op and told her what was going on, not left her out of pocket.
If i was you op id just accept that you're not gonna see the money again. Just be thankful she won't be there on your day causing drama

burritofan Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:55

They both sound like cunts, but at least they're a good match for each other. Cut your losses. Make it known there's a free room should anyone need it last-minute to escape snoring or drunken partners. Sell the dress. Let ol' clumpy black shoes swivel.

Xyzzzzz Sat 16-Mar-19 22:22:59

I don’t think your being unreasonable. If she can’t afford it she should have said.

I think you might have to write off the money but consider if you want to still be friends, I think that’s the bigger question

afrikat Sat 16-Mar-19 22:23:19

She sounds awful and not a friend. Since this is MN you will get loads of people chiming in saying she doesn't have to be excited, just because it's your wedding you shouldn't expect her to put herself out blah blah but in the real world friends are excited for each other and as a bridesmaid she should be especially there for you. She has acted horribly and I would cut my losses and try to return the dress etc if you can. Is there anyone else who might want the room?

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sat 16-Mar-19 22:23:44

Why was this friends a bridesmaid in the first place and not your best friend?

FunSizedNinja Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:39

Thankyou to those making me feel as though its okay to be angry! My best friend didn't initially want to be a bridesmaid as she hasnt been well at all and didnt want to commit to a dress etc as she didnt know how she would he in the runup to the wedding and preferred to just come as a normal guest. Thankfully the last few weeks thongs are a lot better for her. Although if she is taken unwell i wouldnt be upset in the slightest as she cant help that!

fruitbrewhaha Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:48

It doesn't sound like either of them are good friends. You are better off without them as friends, bridesmaids or guests at your wedding.

Is there really no one else that can take the room. There will be someone who has not booked yet or only paid a deposit for somewhere. Put a message out to all guests to say there is a room that you have paid for and you would be happy to take what anyone can afford.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay Sat 16-Mar-19 22:25:05


You might not get it but ask her for the money anyway. She has been incredibly rude. If she had money issues or something else she could have talked to you about it any time.

You have made every effort to make being a bridesmaid easy for her, paying for the room was not too much to ask at all.

StealthPolarBear Sat 16-Mar-19 22:25:58

Yes why wasn't your best friend a bm? Or were they all family

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