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To feel so sad for this little boy?

(89 Posts)
ODGU Sat 16-Mar-19 21:27:35

An (old) friend is expecting her first baby with her husband who already has a seven year old son from a previous marriage.

On the surface friend comes across as a good step parent ('if a bit performance parenty on social media') but has become increasingly negative about her step son behind the scenes, to the extent I'd say she's being very cruel.

She is forever complaining about him saying what a little @%$! he is, calling him names (to others) and mocking his appearance (for example his clothes or haircut). She's also making pre conceived assumptions that he's going to end up homosexual because he's very feminine, whiny and a mummies boy and complaining to her H about him being around so often and how H babies him.

She's seemingly oblivious or doesn't care that the new baby news may be impacting his behaviour and he might be feeling a little insecure and pushed out.

Friend doesn't like the boys mother which I believe is a catalyst to her attitude towards the son, but the boys mother is oblivious and believes then get on well and have a good relationship.

My feelings toward said friend have began to sour as I can't condone the way she's speaking about an innocent little boy (as a mother of a very sensitive DS I feel terribly sad for him) and i feel he's only going to be further demonized and pushed aside once her baby arrives if she has her way.

I don't know her H well but from what I can tell he's a good father who wouldn't stand for this sort of thing if he were totally in the loop, but she leads him to believe she loves his son very much.

Would you say something to her in defence of the child, say something to the child's mother, or should I mind my own business? I don't like confrontation but feel so sorry for him.

WiddlinDiddlin Sat 16-Mar-19 21:30:29

Call her out on it then..

"Why are you being so vile about this child, do you need to let off steam about something, theres obviously a problem as sensible, happy adults do not normally rip into small children'

But I give no fucks and don't ignore such shit any more.

jellymaker Sat 16-Mar-19 21:37:10

How about" I've noticed you are finding your SC hard work" as a way in to a supportive conversation where you then might be able to challenge her.

whippersnapperwrapper Sat 16-Mar-19 21:40:59

Tell the child's mother

Singlenotsingle Sat 16-Mar-19 21:44:39

I wouldn't want someone like that as a friend anyway. I'd speak to her about it, but that would ruin the friendship. I'd speak to the little Boys' mum, and just to keep the dad in the loop, I'd let him know as well. The boy has got no one to defend him except you.

Omzlas Sat 16-Mar-19 21:49:10

She sounds like a grade A bitch IMO. Tell the mother if you can, though the father should be calling her out on her appalling behaviour. I'd also distance myself from her, she sounds awful

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sat 16-Mar-19 21:54:59

I'm normally not one to fall out with people, but I would not hesitate to do so in this case. Tell her exactly what you have noticed her doing, tell her how disgusting it is, and ask her to picture her behaviour towards her stepson being directed at her own future child.

BadPennyNoBiscuit Sat 16-Mar-19 21:56:32

She sounds extremely immature and is taking out her insecurities on a child. If she is doing any of those things to his face then she is being abusive. Set her straight and give his parents a heads up.
You will probably lose her 'friendship', but it will spare you endless years of watching her raise a golden child.

SchadenfreudePersonified Sat 16-Mar-19 22:00:21

Plus you could mention that even if she turns out to be right about his future sexuality, being gay isn't a defect of any kind.

And he's probably whiney because he is unhappy in a house where he is obviously despised by his dad's wife, and frightened that when his new brother or sister is born, his dad won't want him there at all.

She sounds a real piece of work.

Lizzie48 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:09:09

That poor little boy. You should definitely give her H a 'heads up' about how you'd 'friend' is treating his DS, and his mum too. Her DSS needs an adult to speak up for him.

I wouldn't want someone like that as a friend.

TheInvestigator Sat 16-Mar-19 22:17:35

If I remarry, and my husband was acting like this about my 7 or 5 year old, I would want to know. If he hid it from me so well and I really had no idea, I would desperately hope that the person who knew the truth would tell me.

I can't tell you how I would react, or if I'd even believe it straight away, but I would want the information.

Quintella Sat 16-Mar-19 22:19:46

She's gearing up to pushing this boy out when her own baby arrives. I'd absolutely ditch her as a friend and I'd also have a word with the boy's father and if possible, his mother too. If this was the attitude of a significant figure in my child's life I'd certainly want to know about it.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sat 16-Mar-19 22:19:54

Considering what you think of her, you clearly aren’t friends at all. I’d call her out but I would have done so a long time ago.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 16-Mar-19 22:21:35

Wow she sounds bloody awful. I would call her out on it. At least if her DH is any kind of father he won't stand for it when he cottons on.

Inapickle230 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:24:58

If my DD had a cruel stepmother I would want to know. Poor boy, I think you need to tell the mother somehow. It’s better to lose a friend and know you did the right thing than stand by and know what she’s doing to him.

Findingthingstough18 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:26:39

One of my very closest friends has a real-life 'wicked stepmother' like this. He would have been a similar age when his dad married her (after his mother's death): by the time I met him at 16 her hostility was completely open and he had left the house to go live with his grandparents. Please say something: it has left him so damaged, and I've often wondered why the adults around didn't intervene. I also wouldn't be so sure that the dad doesn't know, sadly. I've never been able to understand why my friend's father - who admittedly was very traumatised by his first wife's death, but otherwise was a seemingly kind and good man - stood by and let his wife treat his son like this, but he did.

Again, please do something if you think you can (I'm not sure confronting the friend will do much, but telling the boy's mother might). My friend is now in his mid-30s and the scars left by a childhood of living with someone who hates, mocks, resents and eventually ousts you are if anything only becoming more apparent as he gets older. In his case, too, it got much worse after his half-brother was born.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:06

This sounds very much like the villains in children’s movies, where they pretend to other adults they are nice. Normally the children are rescued. Is this stuff she’s putting in writing? If so, yes, deffo screenshot. I’d give any evidence to the boys mother as a priority.

BlueEyedBengal Sat 16-Mar-19 22:27:28

Why would you want to be around someone that cruel. I'd end the friendship and trellis husband and the child's mother why you are ending it because of all the things she's saying. If she's like this now believe me it's going to multiply when the baby comes into the world, poor little fella he needs love from everyone around him he must come first alone with his sibling he must be treat as equal.

ODGU Sat 16-Mar-19 22:36:03

Everything she's said has been in messages, we live nowhere near one another these days so all correspondence is online or via text.

We were catching up via text this evening when she started ranting about, again. I retorted with "I actually feel very sorry for him and think a new baby would be enough to unsettle any child let alone one so young" then she moved on to the subject of his haircut that his mother had taken him for and how stupid he looked. I responded that he looked very sweet in the photo then stopped replying as the malice was beginning to upset me so I came here to ask for your opinions.

How she speaks about a little boy has completely altered my opinion of her, I haven't seen such spite in her before and she's not somebody I want as a friend now.

widgetbeana Sat 16-Mar-19 22:39:07

Please find a way to tell her partner. If this was your child you would want to know and it sounds like you don't really care about losing this 'friend' anyway. Please please stand up for this little boy, even if you just write a letter and post it with screenshots of the messages. Or an email or something. He needs to know so he can protect his little boy.

Quintella Sat 16-Mar-19 22:40:42

Save the messages. @Findingthingstough18's post about her friend is so sad and a perfect example of how experiencing this kind of behaviour as a child can reverberate well into adulthood.

LorelaiRoryEmily Sat 16-Mar-19 22:43:15

Poor little boy. That is awful. I think you should send the messages to her husband or to the little boys mum. God she sounds horrible. What a bitch

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 16-Mar-19 22:43:24

Intervention in that case sounds more problematic. Do you know who the mother is? Or any of her family members. Can you find out who the mother is? Sadly I don’t think telling the father is necessarily enough.

ODGU Sat 16-Mar-19 22:44:32

She also speculates that her H is not the boys biological father because apparently they look nothing alike, though there's nothing to say he's not the father and was with the boys mum for many years.

I think that part alone could be extremely damaging if she managed to plant a seed of doubt in her H's mind.

AFAIK she doesn't say any of this to him, but she does say that they often argue over his sons behaviour so he must have the slightest inkling that she's not as keen on him as she makes out.

She's very convincing on social media and I thought they had a lovely bond before she began saying all of these things.

I won't miss the friendship as I can't get on board with being cruel to children so I will say something, I just don't know what or who to.

Starlight456 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:44:52

I would screenshot and send it to mum and dad and block her

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