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Call him out on his rudeness or remain courteous?

(28 Posts)
rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 17:06:32

I'm putting on a charity show in a couple of weeks with various soloists and groups taking part. All involved were invited and accepted the invitation. I went to visit one of the groups a few weeks ago and the guy in charge was very rude to me in front of everyone and could have saved me a journey if he had told in an email what he said to me so rudely in such a public way. I let it go, life's too short and all that.

At the beginning of this week I sent an email out to everyone involved detailing arrangements for the show. Last night he replied to my email stating I must have misunderstood our conversation a couple of weeks ago and that he was disappointed that his group would be "stuck" on stage for the whole show and suggested they did their bit at the beginning of the first half, leave the stage (to go to the pub opposite!) and come back to do their 2nd spot at the start of the 2nd half and leave. It's quite normal for this type of group to remain in view of the audience at shows and concerts for the duration. This guy is being paid a fee (from ticket sales) for leading the group at the show.

The reason I've asked them to remain on stage is because we will have 20+ children backstage and have to follow all the usual safeguarding and child protection rules, there's no room for them backstage anyway and the venue won't provide an extra member of staff to be on the stage door and all my chaperones will be busy with their charges. Plus the extra time needed to get them all off stage.

So my AIBU is AIBU for expecting them to stay on stage during the show? The way I see it is, I'm organising this show, paying them to perform and they seem to see it as a chance to go to the pub.

So, do I start my reply with "I'm sure you don't mean to be rude" grin
I want to say, seeing as they'll only be there for around 25% of the show will their fee be reduced accordingly?

Let them do what they want and as they're walking out past the audience tell the audience that they don't want to stay on stage and that they're off to the pub? I'm sure some of them would be shamed.

Any suggestions for a reply that will maintain my professionalism while also letting him know how rude he is?

NeutralJanet Sat 16-Mar-19 17:12:39

Well, YANBU for thinking they should stay on stage but if you publically shame them it's going to make you look petty and unprofessional. I'd go with privately communicating that the fee will be reduced accordingly.

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 17:13:15

There's a long story behind why I invited them to perform (which has now obviously reached its final chapter).

I'm also thinking that if I do call him out on it and piss him off and he pulls out of the show then the fee will go into the charity pot. It will be a good show without them anyway.

ShinyMe Sat 16-Mar-19 17:27:25

I think I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of - these arrangements for the show are the ones I have chosen to put in place. Of course, I fully understand if you decide that you no longer wish to participate, and will wish your group all the best for the future.

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 17:31:34

ShinyMe that's a good reply. Puts the ball in his court.

NeutralJanet I wouldn't actually do that but it is very tempting.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sat 16-Mar-19 17:33:33

I would stay polite and professional until after the show.
Then publicly tell him that HE is neither polite nor professional

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 17:44:44

Breakfast He doesn't want to come back for the end of the show so I wouldn't get the chance.

Princessmushroom Sat 16-Mar-19 17:54:10

I would say ‘I booked you on the basis of you staying and I need you to stay. If that isn’t feasible then I cannot go ahead with the booking.’

DisplayPurposesOnly Sat 16-Mar-19 18:14:56

"I didn't misunderstand at all. I understand that you would prefer the group to leave after your first session and return for your second, however I am unable to accommodate this. That's because (insert reasons you said in your post).

We look forward to seeing you on the day. Thank you for supporting (charity name)."

Dont give him the option to back out. If he really wants to, he will anyway - but the onus is on him.

HollowTalk Sat 16-Mar-19 18:40:35

How old is his group of people?

HollowTalk Sat 16-Mar-19 18:41:13

It's not really in the spirit of the thing, really, is it, that they go to the pub for the middle section?

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 18:45:25

HollowTalk it's a male voice choir so most of them are retired.

I get the impression that he doesn't want to do the show. Just wish he'd turned down the invite months ago instead of making diva demands so rudely.

Drum2018 Sat 16-Mar-19 18:45:29

Good reply DisplayPurposesOnly. I'd go with that.

unicorncupcake Sat 16-Mar-19 18:49:07

Say that due to safeguarding reasons you are unable to accomodate this, therefore if they would prefer to pull out, that’s fine no great loss you arsehole anyone who argues with child protection/chaperone stuff is not worth bothering with.

I feel your pain-I organise lots of musical theatre type of events and I know exactly the kind of person you are talking about. I have a mental Shitlist with people on that I will never under any circumstances choose to work with again. Conversely I also have a crack team of fabulous and almost more importantly nice Musicians who are a pleasure to work with and I book them wherever possible and have a great time.

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 19:44:55

Not sent yet but my draft reply:

*Hi …..

There was no misunderstanding. I understood that you did not wish to remain on the stage throughout the show. Unfortunately, due to government safeguarding and child protection legislation it isn't possible for you to make a discreet exit through backstage and we have no staff available for the doors. I am willing to compromise and allow you to exit through the auditorium but this will, of course, eat into the running time of the show. If you choose this option your choir's participation in the show will be less than 25%. I trust you will accept a reduction of 50% of your fee to reflect your reduced involvement.

I look forward to seeing the choir at the show. Thank you for your support of the charity.*

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 19:51:15

Unicorn my mental shitlist grows regularly. Like you, I get to work with some wonderful people. The shitty ones really get to me though. I have a friend in the same industry who also comes across this but, unlike me, is able to continue working with these people. I'd have to do it through gritted teeth.

sonjadog Sat 16-Mar-19 19:57:56

Cut out the first sentence. You can’t actually say100% that there hasn’t been a misunderstanding. Just stay professional and clear in your reply.

unicorncupcake Sat 16-Mar-19 20:01:03

Hopefully he’ll pull out of the whole concert in a fit of outrage and then you never have to see him again. I have recently been dealing with a similarly breaktakingly annoying person in my professional capacity, and it has taken every fibre of my being not to tell him just to fuck off and stop moaning and just never bother speaking to him again grin. I am biting my tongue resting smug in the knowledge that I will never book him for anything again, or indeed recommend him for anything.

Chutneygloss Sat 16-Mar-19 20:01:58

Can’t you find another choir?

hidinginthenightgarden Sat 16-Mar-19 20:02:49

I have had to remain on stage (as part of a choir) for 2 hours - most of it sat as still as possible in the background and got paid absolutely nothing for it! They should do as they are told!

rudeandobnoxiouspeoplemagnet Sat 16-Mar-19 20:16:32

Unicorn shall we form a support group? grin

Chutneygloss I wish I'd never asked them. It will be a substantial show anyway, so I'm not too bothered about replacing them.

hidinginthenightgarden it's all part and parcel of being in a choir. The worst ones are freezing cold churches.

unicorncupcake Sat 16-Mar-19 20:25:04

Unicorn shall we form a support group?

Yes. Let’s do that. It can be called ‘etiquette and good manners and just being a nice human being when someone is working their arse off alongside their actual full time job to put on a show that is worth people spending their hard earned cash on for a good cause’

We might have to work on the title grin

Jamiefraserskilt Sat 16-Mar-19 20:58:38

Tweaked
I understand that you do not wish to remain on the stage throughout the show. Due to government safeguarding and child protection legislation it isn't possible for you to exit via backstage part the way through. There appears to be three options;
1. Remain on stage and participate as originally planned for which your full fee will be payable.
2. Leave the stage between performances. I am willing to compromise and allow you to exit through the auditorium but this will, of course, disrupt the show for the audience and the other performers. If you choose this option your choir's participation in the show will be less than 25%. I trust you will accept a reduction of 75% of your fee to reflect your reduced involvement.
3. Withdraw your participation in the charity event.
Please confirm your decision regarding this matter by dd/mm/yyyy so that we are able to make the necessary arrangements.
Kind regards

Northernparent68 Sat 16-Mar-19 21:32:26

Does child protection legislation really prevent adults from walking past children back stage ?

Hopoindown31 Sat 16-Mar-19 22:26:42

I think your excuse sounds a bit tenuous when really you just can't be bothered with the hassle of moving a large group on and off stage several times. Are any other groups having to do this?

As a former brass bander we were often treated similarly at such events with similar 'rules' being quoted as to why we had to sit there for ages doing nothing. So I for one wouldn't buy your reasons and I expect an experienced professional musician such as the MD of a band or choir has been in similar situations more than once.

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