Would your DH behave in this way? AIBU (I don’t think so).(297 Posts)
I really don’t mind people being honest about this scenario as sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. So yesterday, the plan was we were flying out at 6.30 (short haul flight) just for the weekend to attend an event held by one of DH’s friends. This meant picking up all 4 DC from their various schools at 3.40 / 4pm and just going straight to the airport. So we needed to be packed by 3pm.
In the morning, DH seemed to be working from home so he shut himself away in his office. I was packing, etc. He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30 and and when I went in I asked him what did he want packing. He said he was too busy to think, so I asked him to put his stuff out in the bed because I had no idea whether to pack more formal stuff or if we needed outward bound gear etc. He was basically on the phone so I just left him to it because I could see he wasn’t going to answer. Then I had to go out for a blood test and pick up a few things.
I was feeling stressed while out because we had a pet sitter coming and I was aware I needed to get her bed ready and clean the house because the cleaner has been ill this last week. Also I was feeling a bit dizzy after the blood test and am generally shattered these days as it is. I hoped DH might have a least done something towards getting ready by the time so got back at 12.
What he was doing was ruining the garden. I have no idea why he felt the need to go out there when there was obviously stuff to do to get ready for a trip he had organised. He was hacking down trees with a chainsaw and then sawing all the wood into smaller pieces to fit them in the bins and then wheeling the bins through the house with all associated mud and mess. For what reason I don’t know.
At these times I feel like I can’t say anything to him because tbh, worlds fail me. Also he will say I’m being argumentative. So I got everyone packed, cleaned the house inc extra mud traipsed everywhere. Then he got in a mood because I told him not to come in the house with shoes on. So eventually we left to get the kids from various schools and he didn’t even ask what I’d packed for him. En route it was high stress again because of some business deal and he was talking on speaker phone most of the way so nobody else could talk, as well as driving very aggressively.
So here we are and I feel shattered today, although he in a great mood and the life and soul of proceedings. AIBU to think most DH’s wouid see what obviously needs to be done when you’re going away, even for just a weekend, and naturally get involved without being asked - rather than creating unnecessary mess and chaos instead?
Just don't do it op don't bring him coffee, pack his bag, clear up the mud he traipsed through. Just leave it. If he tries to talk to you about it, pretend you're on the phone and tell him you're busy
Stop packing for him.
I don’t lift a finger for DH as I did mine and the kids
Kids have done their own packing since about 8 years old and I check it over (I pack medication) rest is up to them
Oh and no my DH wouldn't because if he did he'd be ex DH
I don’t understand how he has time to cut up trees but not to pack his own bag?? I wouldn’t be happy with him either
Why on earth are you waiting on him? Are you the maid?
I wouldn't do another adult's packing, leave him to it. He sounds like he is Very Important and therefore above mundane tasks, he needs to learn.
If he was working fair enough, but why wouid you start hacking up trees when you know you’re going away in smatter if hours? It’s his friend’s event and he booked the flights fgs! Why not think, “Oh, I’ll make sure I’ve got socks,” or “Oh, I wonder if the guest bathroom needs a once over?”
He's completely mad. Who goes chopping up wood when they are going away and have things to do?
He needs to pack his own things. It's completely childish and entitled to expect you to do it when he could do it himself.
No wonder you are stressed. And driving like that while on the speaker phone would terrify me.
I would have asked him wtf he thought he was doing, if you feel you can't then that's an issue.
I agree don't do all this stuff for him, he's an adult and your partner so should share the load particularly when you're on a deadline and there's loads that needs doing.
You need to tell him how he has made you feel, it's really not ok to treat people like that. Hopefully he'll see that he was being a knobber, apologise and make it up to you.
I wouldn’t be doing his packing, but the “not seeing the priority” thing (ie gardening when the priority is packing) sounds horribly like my dh. I sympathise 😬
My DH does prioritise weird stuff sometimes. I usually ask him why he’s doing that instead of the 20 other jobs that DO need doing.
He always packs his own stuff though or gets it out and I pack it into the bags (I’m better at it).
He does it because he knows he can get away with doing what he wants while you wait on him hand and foot
He is sabotaging. Unconsciously or otherwise.
You lost me at Whatsapping you for coffee. He's obviously never learnt that it's good to take breaks from screens and get up and move around every once in a while. He could have got his own coffee instead of sitting on his arse and making demands of you. I think if anyone did that to me, my phone battery might have died just before the message came through.
I also would not be with anyone who didn't take equal responsibility for packing and sorting the house prior to going away.
yes he is being unreasonable. and yes my husband would do this and i back down because his mood swing and reaction would not be worth it.
I've worked with a lot of people who claim to be "too busy to think" and they are always just insanely bad at managing their time. (Hence chopping up wood instead of packing ) Stop enabling him!
This is absolutely bonkers!! What planet does he live on where you need to go and become a tree surgeon hours before catching a flight?
I wouldn’t have packed anything for him OP.
What I wouldn’t be happy with is that he deems HIS time too valuable to make his own coffee/pack his own bag, but not yours.
YANBU. Like PP I would just not have packed for him. If he has time to do gardening he has time to pack himself a weekend bag. If he traipsed mud through the house I'd have asked him to clean it up.
My DH used to be a bit oblivious to things like mud traipsed through the house too. He works longer hours and commutes further so I do the majority of housework but if DH makes an unnecessary amount of mess (for example when he was doing a craft activity with the two then toddler DC's which turned into a confetti fight in the living room) then he ) then he clears it up. That way I'm not the fun police - he can have a confetti fight in the living room but only if he thinks it's worth the effort of actually clearing it up himself.
He's a faffer. There are whole threads on MN about men like this who find last minute jobs to do when they were expected to be somewhere else, while failing to prepare to leave.
The solution is to kill them.
Failing that, next time refuse to go away if he hasn't packed etc, or leave without him. Don't make breakfast, or pack or tidy up after him.
It's almost emotional abuse, I feel, as they offload all their stress and mental load onto you. They feel lighter and can get on with being the life and soul of the party. It's no wonder you're shattered, you're carrying him and his stress.
DH only stopped getting me to do my packing after I forgot to pack him any trousers one trip ( this was an accidental blessing)
DH wouldn't do anything in the garden but wouldn't think about sorting anything else out either. Sympathy OP.
I would be absolutely fuming.
When we are due to go anywhere (And we travel a lot) I do all the packing and organising but my DH asks what needs done and does what I ask him to do, I.e grab last minute things from the shops, quick Hoover etc... Sounds like he was really selfish and YANBU
The reason I feel as if I can’t say anything to him is because he’s invariably in “high crisis” mode - ie. on the phone or furiously typing, so so just tend to back off or leave him to it. Then when he starts doing something like the garden or gagging with his bikes or the cars, I don’t know what to say really because it’s like he’s just decided this needs to be done at that moment and that’s that. And just the sight of the mess and also the fact he’s probably killing half the trees stresses me out too much, so again I just back off and leave him to it.
He Whatsapped me to ask for coffee and something to eat at about 9.30
I can’t believe you respond to a breakfast order on Whatsapp like a member of household staff - it’s the digital equivalent of ringing a bell for a servant. You need to put a stop to that right now - I assume on WhatsApp it’s a group that you can simply leave so vote with your (virtual) feet!
The rest is just ridiculous too, you need to reset expectations of how you work together so that he doesn’t feel it’s ok to opt out at the very moment you need some help with family things.
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