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(7 Posts)
Namechangerooey Sat 16-Mar-19 13:23:27

Name changed for this even though I'm probably far too boring to be outed 😂
Have a tendency to waffle so will try to be brief.
I'm in UK, DH is from another European country. Moved here before we met. We've been together almost ten years, married, two DC one pre-schooler and one under 1.
I'm on mat leave currently, have been part time since DC1. DH has senior, high stress role. Long hours.
DH has some family in UK but other family are back in his country and some live in other countries. They are a fairly close family. Help each other out but also have quite high expectations of others helping in return (which I am mostly happy to do!). DH's parents aren't in great health and one of them is disabled. He has been clear that they are a priority, even above me and the DC.
My family are close but less so, I have fewer siblings. We see my parents fairly regularly but don't receive much in the way of help with kids etc., they can be a bit awkward eg promising to help with things and then making other plans.
Since youngest DC has been born I have been on my own a lot, majority of bedtimes by myself etc etc. I bedshare with baby or she won't sleep.
DH to a certain extent has been able to keep up some of his hobbies, had a trip away with friends etc. In contrast I can't go out for an evening dinner as baby won't settle nor take a bottle. Today is the first time I've had a couple of hours to myself since baby was born.
I am feeling a bit at the end of my tether and very aware this could be clouding my judgement.
We are going on a family holiday with DH's whole family in the next few months. This morning he has proposed to me that as I'm on mat leave, and he has a few other matters to sort out in his home country which would mean we had planned to go over for a week or so anyway, that we spend a month there not long after getting back from this holiday. The longest we have spent there before is two weeks and to be honest I find that a bit much. I'm a bit of an introvert and need my own space. Plus it's harder having your kids in another house, they get out of routine etc. I plan to sleep train baby after our holiday but if we then go away for a month I will have to do it again which I really don't want to do. They also live rurally so it's hard for me to get out with the kids, I don't know many people etc.
I reacted negatively to DH's suggestion this morning and now he is angry at me. I'm trying to think how I would feel if it were my parents, who are healthy. There is no immediate crisis which means we need to be there, he just likes to help out generally and give his parents a bit of a break. I'm sure it is also in his mind that their health is deteriorating and they are older than my parents so ultimately they may die before mine.
Sorry that was super long! So AIBU at not wanting to spend a month in their country and their house, or am I being selfish??

SenoritaViva Sat 16-Mar-19 13:35:53

Hi OP, I really feel for you. My DH is not from the uk and staying with family is hard, I’ve often felt bad as I know the location is lovely but I’m miserable!

We have compromised in the past by DH making some trips alone or me coming for part of the trip. Is this possible? It will also give your DH some really quality time with his parents.

Namechangerooey Sat 16-Mar-19 13:44:44

Yeah I think I'm thinking of saying we will come for two weeks then he can stay on his own. I think that actually it's quite stressful for his parents having our young family in the house for long periods of time and makes them tired as well (more noise, mess etc) but they will never admit it and neither will DH!! 🙈

Namechangerooey Sat 16-Mar-19 13:45:30

He also occasionally throws it back at me that he has stayed in the UK for us and that my family are here etc etc. Which I find very annoying as we were not the reason he moved to the UK!!

Floralhousecoat Sat 16-Mar-19 14:13:06

Remind him that he moved to the UK to make a new life for himself. You did not ask him to make this sacrifice. That was his choice. The natural consequence of the choice he CHOSE to make is to see his parents less.

I think your dh is quite manipulative and selfish. Why is it ok for him to express his dp are a priority over you and dc? I would find that unacceptable. He seems to guilt trip you wrt to his dp being elderly and not in good health.

Yanbu to not want to spend such extended periods with in-laws.

Drum2018 Sat 16-Mar-19 14:20:07

I'd knock that guilt trip on the head for a start - tell him that he is never to bring up the fact that he claims to have stayed in the UK because of you again. As for visiting his family, I agree a month would be too much for all concerned. It would be different if you were staying in separate accommodairon - would that be an option? Could you book an apartment near his parents? I'd need my own space too and with 2 small kids it would be difficult staying with older people, especially when they are not in good health.

Namechangerooey Sun 17-Mar-19 22:30:44

I agree he is a bit of a guilt tripper and definitely uses emotional blackmail - not that he would admit this!! He's the kind of person who is a real people pleaser and seen to bend over backwards for everyone, which he does, and is very generous too, but often to the detriment of me!
Staying elsewhere would really offend his parents and tbh would be more hassle back and forth all the time.
I think he has backed off from the idea of a whole month now and realises that he is letting his worries about his parents run away with him which was not allowing him to take on board my point of view at the time.

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