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To be a lesbian?

(52 Posts)
NotTryingTo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:10:24

I promise I’m not trying to be goady or offend and certainly not looking for an argument.

I’m a straight woman in my thirties and I’ve been single for some time, mainly because I have just lost all my respect and desire for men in general. I’ve worked with so many lovely wholesome family men who were the office letches, in a voluntary capacity I work with so many women, teens and children who have been victims of rape, domestic abuse, grooming, coercion, sexual abuse by men.
So much of the violence in the world is perpetrated by men, the hate.
The caring nice guys I do know are so weak willed they cheat given half the chance.

That’s just where I am emotionally and I’m expecting to be flamed.
I miss dating so much though and in my college years I had a few little “things” with women but always considered myself straight it open minded or maybe bi at a real stretch, though I find women much more beautiful than men.

Basically WIBU to dip my toe in the gay dating scene? Has anyone else been in the mindset I am and how has it worked for out you?

Again, I’m really sorry if I offend anyone!

GrimDamnFanjo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:13:00

I suppose the dealbreaker is are you sexually attracted to women?
If yes then go for it.
If not, then you aren't gay or bi, just fed up with men!

GruciusMalfoy Sat 16-Mar-19 11:15:34

I'm a bit confused. Do you think you're bisexual? You'd not be unreasonable to date women if you're looking for a relationship and are attracted to women. You'd be unreasonable to do it as some kind of experiment.

Coldilox Sat 16-Mar-19 11:17:40

Because what we lesbians really want is a straight woman who’s had enough of men hmm

Seriously, the suggestion that being gay is a “back-up” option is borderline insulting.

EmeraldShamrock Sat 16-Mar-19 11:18:12

I think female relationships can have lots of the same issues as a straight relationship.
Have you close friendship, are you lonely, or do you feel turned on thinking of sleeping with a women.
If the attraction is there why not, I work with 2 gay women in their 50's both previously married with DC, both happy in long-term gay relationships.

ralphfromlordoftheflies Sat 16-Mar-19 11:18:15

I too would like to date women, but I'm not bisexual so I can't. I wish I was though.

Beanie3 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:20:54

I didn't even realise that to choose was an option.

VladmirsPoutine Sat 16-Mar-19 11:21:31

Women aren't some sort of fall back plan for other women who've been burned by men.
If you are sexually attracted to women then have at it but using them to soothe your bruised heart and ego would be entirely unreasonable.

ColeHawlins Sat 16-Mar-19 11:22:35

I think this is an idea best left in the second wave/1970s, TBH.

surferjet Sat 16-Mar-19 11:25:33

Op:
I have known women who have turned to lesbian relationships in their 40’s because they can’t find a man - or a man they want.
Only 2 in my life but it happens.

SweetAsSpice Sat 16-Mar-19 11:27:21

What Coldilox said. It isn't a choice.

NotACleverName Sat 16-Mar-19 11:28:55

Sexuality doesn't work like that.

DpWm Sat 16-Mar-19 11:30:05

Sorry in advance because one of "us" was bound to come along eventually.

If you aren't attracted to women you can always find plenty of "lesbians" who are male, to make it easier for you.

Jackshouse Sat 16-Mar-19 11:30:18

I know of women who have embraced lesbian relationships in later life but I suspect because they have always been attracted to women but felt unable to explore it before.

I do know some lovely lesbian couple with very aspirational lifestyles. Thinking about it they are all childless. Maybe being childless is the key to an aspirational life.

Are you attracted to women or a women?

goodwinter Sat 16-Mar-19 11:30:37

Maybe your terminology is making your message sound worse than it is. You can't decide to "be a lesbian", but if you are actually attracted to women then yes, you can go out and try and date them.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Sat 16-Mar-19 11:30:48

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://www.posgrado.unam.mx/musica/lecturas/Maus/viernes/AdrienneRichCompulsoryHeterosexuality.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjryub5xobhAhUEUBUIHdW5AY4QFjAIegQIBhAB&usg=AOvVaw0CuEsvPkdsyj9BkQReICrY not sure if that will work but adrienne rich's essay on compulsory heterosexuality is worth a read.

It's not so much deciding to be a lesbian for lots of women.
It's realizing how pressured they were to be straight and spending time in women only, feminist spaces to address that socialization.

Many women who were previously only in straight relationships came out during the women's liberation movement.

All the ones I know are still only in lesbian relationships decades on.

DailyMailFuckRightOff Sat 16-Mar-19 11:31:24

Look, living with a woman as partners, and sleeping with a woman, and just living daily life as a lesbian, is quite different to living life with a male partner.

If you’re sexually attracted to women and mentally attracted too then you don’t need us to say ‘go for it’ but if you’re just hoping to find someone nice, then, to be honest, I’ve dated my fair shared of arsehole women - there are lovely men and there are lovely women, and horrid men and horrid women.

You dating a woman isn’t going to stop you coming into contact with godawful office letches, nor is it going to stop them making unimaginative suggestions. Au contraire - ‘can I watch?’ gets dull very quickly.

But ‘I could do a better job with your wife than you probably do’ goes a very long way in shutting said arseholes up.

Good luck op.

goodwinter Sat 16-Mar-19 11:32:26

Great post from @SuperLoudPoppingAction

NormaNameChange Sat 16-Mar-19 11:32:42

I personally would never get involved with a tourist. It’s painful being someone’s ‘experiment’ or ‘toe in the water’ as you put it. Especially when they decide actually, no they aren’t really gay/bi just thought they might be/could be/are disillusioned with men. I’m just an old cynic tho

PinkHeart5914 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:33:04

You are either sexually attracted to women or your not!

Lesbians aren’t just women that got fed up of men, sexuality doesn’t work like that

goodwinter Sat 16-Mar-19 11:34:31

@DailyMailFuckRightOff how has your experience of living with female partners differed from male? I've never been in a relationship with a woman so I wouldn't know.

NotTryingTo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:34:39

I have had sexual experiences and mini relationships with women in the past so it’s not a case of “a back up”

I suppose it’s more confusion. I’ve just always assumed I was straight but am sexually attracted to men and women. Moreso men previously and moreso women now.
It just feels odd at this late stage to change course if that makes sense.

NotTryingTo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:36:37

It's realizing how pressured they were to be straight and spending time in women only, feminist spaces to address that socialization.

This is very much how I feel

NotTryingTo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:40:16

And I only say sexually attracted to men because I’ve had the most sex with men. The idea of even kissing a man feels so wrong to me and has done for a while but I don’t know if that’s an emotional thing or physical.

Sorry, I knew I’d come across offensive and I truly didn’t mean to. I’m just trying to unpick my own confusion.

OftenHangry Sat 16-Mar-19 11:41:57

Well.
Stonewall's research shows that one in four lesbian and bi women have experienced domestic abuse in a relationship. Two thirds of those say the perpetrator was a woman, a third a man. Almost half (49%) of all gay and bi men have experienced at least one incident of domestic abuse from a family member or partner since the age of 16.

Not really that peachy too.

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