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Sex - who’s being selfish here?

(99 Posts)
PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 06:40:38

Ok, so this is a bit complicated.

We’re currently renovating our house. OH is overseeing the work, but due to DS’s asthma, me and the kids are spending periods of time at my parents house when there is a lot of dust etc.

OH doesn’t stay at my parents because he’s allergic to their dog, so he’s at home.
Obviously this means a lot of time apart (which we’re used to, he’s a shift worker).

He comes to my parents every night after work/building etc to see the kids, but AYCI, alone time is difficult. So we sometimes makes excuses that I am going home to “see what the builders have done that day”, and essentially we use that time for sex. We’re not talking daily here, maybe once/twice a week.

He has always got off on trying to sneak attempts to bring me off when there are people around, he tries it on under the table in restaurants etc, which I usually stop, depend on how public the situation is. It doesn’t do much for me but it usually sets the scene for later when we’ve alone.

Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner. I was up for it but obviously not there and then, so I said “After dinner, let’s pop home and you can show me the timing done today.”
He tried it on again in the car. Got in, I went to make a move (we’re having a lot of quickies at the mo, for obvious reasons). He pushed me away and said “FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
I was obviously upset, but didn’t want to push him.
He dropped me back at my parents (because obviously we had gone in his car), he said he would come in for a bit, within minutes, he was trying it on, discreetly, with my mum in the same room!

Obviously I slapped him away and my mum, I think, was oblivious, but it occurred to me, he does this a lot, gets me excited in an awkward situation, then goes cold when it’s no longer awkward.

Not sure if the problem is with him trying to make things a bit more exciting or me taking offence. He claims the latter.

I do most of the instigating anyway, when we do do it, he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate.

SausageAndEgg Sat 16-Mar-19 20:44:34

He’s missing a few chips from his plate by the sounds of it

Katinkka Sat 16-Mar-19 20:41:09

Maybe I’m a prude but he sounds utterly disgusting.

Flowersintheatticconversion Sat 16-Mar-19 20:24:25

Yes , I did, drum it still doesn’t change my opinion

oneforthepain Sat 16-Mar-19 11:31:51

It's not undermining the poor little man's consent if you object to being told "Ffs get off me" etc. Most other decent human beings manage to communicate that they don't want sex without making their partner feel like shit about themselves.

Of course he can change his mind, I haven't seen anybody suggest otherwise. The objections are to him acting like a creep and a jerk. What about the issues of consent around him touching up the op in front of her mother?

Birdsgottafly Sat 16-Mar-19 11:30:55

drum12345, he could easily be in denial about what he wants, or covering up. The OP still needs to approach with caution.

Birdsgottafly Sat 16-Mar-19 11:29:14

"Sadly you've done a good job at making yourselves sound grubby and classless. "

Sexual fetishes, get more extreme as you up up the classes.

OP, thays what you've got to work out, is it a fetish and can he live without it.

You aren't on the same page, sexually. He hasn't had consent and it does nothing for you. Unless you are willing to compromise, then make it clear that its a big, hands-off-in-public.

If you were into it, there's better ways to do public sex, that doesn't compromise other people's boundaries.

Your Mother hasn't given consent, to have sexual contact done in her presence, you are stepping on her boundaries. That's disrespectful and plain out of order.

He has to decide if its a stress thing, or wanting risky sex, thing. The latter can be a tough one, to get past.

drum12345 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:28:18

Have any of the last four posters read the OP's update?!

Huskylover1 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:23:59

He is sexually aroused, if he thinks what you're doing is wrong, or you could be "caught".

Once you were alone in the car, he couldn't get aroused.

Sounds like he enjoys Risk. Prime candidate for an affair imo.

MashedSpud Sat 16-Mar-19 11:05:48

He sounds like an immature first boyfriend.

Tell him to stop trying to arouse you in front of family. They aren’t stupid and it’s embarrassing for them.

PotteryGirl Sat 16-Mar-19 11:00:30

Sadly you've done a good job at making yourselves sound grubby and classless. Get the builders to crack on with your renovation...

Flowersintheatticconversion Sat 16-Mar-19 10:57:30

He sounds disgusting.

drum12345 Sat 16-Mar-19 10:46:31

That sounds positive OP, fingers crossed he really does understand and the two of you can get back to a normal sex life (whatever is normal for you both!).

Eliza9917 Sat 16-Mar-19 10:30:40

Never anything full on but he touches you up under the table?

Make your mind up op.

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 10:19:02

OK, I just had it out with him. He was really apologetic and admitted that the whole situation is getting to him at the moment.

He thought he was being daring but acknowledged he was actually just being creepy. And we are going to try and make more time for each other, starting tonight where we going for a meal and some very much hands off conversation (one advantage of staying with parents is babysitters on tap).

Obviously, if, after all that he’s still being a twat, I have some serious thinking or do, but I’m hopeful he’s taken it all on board.

Seaweed42 Sat 16-Mar-19 10:07:07

Ask him straight out. Say 'I notice that you often make advances on me when other people are present. And you do that an awful lot.
But when we are alone you aren't that interested. Have you noticed that yourself?'
It sounds like he wants sexual possessiveness of you. But only to show you that he 'owns' you. Like at a party it's to get control of you. At your parents it's to show you he's the alpha male who owns you, not your parents. He is not saying 'I want you because I desire you' he is saying 'I want you because I have to show others I own you'.
For him sex is about possession and ownership, it's not about physical connection with someone he loves. Pure speculation on my part from the little bit you have said.

ShowMeTheKittens Sat 16-Mar-19 10:01:28

Yuck, revolting.

TheVanguardSix Sat 16-Mar-19 09:58:00

I can’t help but wonder if this is his desperate coping mechanism for a waning libido. Hold up and listen. I’m so not implying he’s losing his attraction to you or his sex drive. But if this is sort of new behaviour or more desperate than before, I’m wondering if- between the renovations and working and juggling family life between houses (one with the parents firmly in place) he’s just knackered and ‘not there’ and feeling uncomfortable with this. His libido may be taking a hit and he can’t handle it. So his way of coping is, well, foolishly. Maybe the thrill of risky fondling in front of MIL (eww) is his desperate attempt to get himself out of his slump. But it’s not working really so he takes it out on you by rejecting you to divert the attention away from his lack of sex drive.

Your lives sound very stressful at the moment. Any chance of a weekend away. Just the two of you? You sound like there’s no space for you guys in your lives where you can just connect.

Badwifey Sat 16-Mar-19 09:46:05

You mam is definitely more aware than you think.

He does sound a bit yuk tbh. I'd have no problem with little whispers or a hand on a leg but ffs putting his hand up your dress while out for dinner is disgusting. You might think it's subtle enough that no one notices but someone does...

RosemarysBush Sat 16-Mar-19 09:39:22

Still amused by the comment that it’s illegal to orgasm in public!

Asta19 Sat 16-Mar-19 09:33:45

Poor OP is really getting a battering from some people here. FGS she said clearly in the first post that the public stuff doesn’t do much for her but sets the scene for later. Then people are grilling her over what exactly that entails! It’s none of your business people! It’s not relevant to the problem exactly what they do and where.

OP. I would talk to him properly about this. What he said to you was quite nasty and I would be honest with him and tell him it upset you. You can tell him it confuses you that he blows hot and cold and ask him to explain. It doesn’t make things more “exciting” if he wants to do public stuff but then pushes you away for sex. That’s not exciting, it’s frustrating and mean. Imagine a woman saying “I often like to turn my partner on and get him excited but then I refuse to have sex with him”. Would the man in that scenario be “offended” or would he be (rightly) pissed off?

SandyY2K Sat 16-Mar-19 09:31:00

I'm also wondering if he does this in risque situations, knowing he can't really take it further. So really in those situations it's not about his ability to perform.

When it's just the 2 of you, there's no hiding behind anything.

Tucobenedicto Sat 16-Mar-19 09:28:39

Are you the first woman he has been with?..He sounds very inexperienced...if he doesn't know what turns you on by now you have serious problems ahead..

OfficeSlave Sat 16-Mar-19 09:25:33

He sounds really irritating and like a teenage boy. I hope you manage a good chat, because it sounds like you really need one. The flirting/harrassment then shutdown and speaking to you like that - he generally sounds like he gets off on making you uncomfortable in any way possible, not just sexually, sorry.

winsinbin Sat 16-Mar-19 09:21:19

I love Velvet’s concern that the husband might touch his wife’s body and then touch other things with his ‘unwashed hands’. Considering the number of people who urinate/defecate/play pocket billiards/stroke animals etc etc without washing their hands afterwards, I don’t think the OPs husband is going to add many extra microbes to the general mix.

Lovemusic33 Sat 16-Mar-19 09:14:06

I think he has a thing about ‘being caught’ and ‘doing it in public’, maybe it’s a new turn in for him? Even so he needs to stop as it’s just wrong. I have had partners in the past that have done similar but they were young and stupid, it can also be a control thing.

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