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Sex - who’s being selfish here?

(99 Posts)
PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 06:40:38

Ok, so this is a bit complicated.

We’re currently renovating our house. OH is overseeing the work, but due to DS’s asthma, me and the kids are spending periods of time at my parents house when there is a lot of dust etc.

OH doesn’t stay at my parents because he’s allergic to their dog, so he’s at home.
Obviously this means a lot of time apart (which we’re used to, he’s a shift worker).

He comes to my parents every night after work/building etc to see the kids, but AYCI, alone time is difficult. So we sometimes makes excuses that I am going home to “see what the builders have done that day”, and essentially we use that time for sex. We’re not talking daily here, maybe once/twice a week.

He has always got off on trying to sneak attempts to bring me off when there are people around, he tries it on under the table in restaurants etc, which I usually stop, depend on how public the situation is. It doesn’t do much for me but it usually sets the scene for later when we’ve alone.

Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner. I was up for it but obviously not there and then, so I said “After dinner, let’s pop home and you can show me the timing done today.”
He tried it on again in the car. Got in, I went to make a move (we’re having a lot of quickies at the mo, for obvious reasons). He pushed me away and said “FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
I was obviously upset, but didn’t want to push him.
He dropped me back at my parents (because obviously we had gone in his car), he said he would come in for a bit, within minutes, he was trying it on, discreetly, with my mum in the same room!

Obviously I slapped him away and my mum, I think, was oblivious, but it occurred to me, he does this a lot, gets me excited in an awkward situation, then goes cold when it’s no longer awkward.

Not sure if the problem is with him trying to make things a bit more exciting or me taking offence. He claims the latter.

I do most of the instigating anyway, when we do do it, he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate.

Ouchmytoe Sat 16-Mar-19 07:22:21

Agree that the thing about your mother being in the room really made me cringe and feel uncomfortable just reading it - there's something very nasty about it. I can't put my finger on it but something's not right.

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:23:27

velvetpineapple I also said “sneaky attempts to try to” that I stop. It’s more like footsie, or hands on my thigh, one finger moving closer, but stopping before it gets indecent.
It’s teasing, basically.
It’s not exactly When Harry Met Sally.

I should probably also point out, my mum was at the other end of quite a large room, and it was quick, furtive, but suggestive - getting down and dirty in front of my parents isn’t on my agenda, thanks....
Essentially he hinted that he was up for it, then turned the second I tried to reciprocate.

Ouchmytoe Sat 16-Mar-19 07:23:34

I mean I can't put my finger on what bothers me about this whole post - the thing about your mum being in the room is gross for obvious reasons! It does seem like this is a weird control thing or something?

LeesPostersAreInFrames Sat 16-Mar-19 07:24:32

Is the in front of family thing that I find gross. Can you tell him that that's just not okay, but public plans where you don't know anybody he can fill your his boots?

itsboiledeggsagain Sat 16-Mar-19 07:29:04

I know what you mean op.
The going cold bit is not cool though.
Dh and I were giving each other the eyes in a restaurant with the kids last night. But once thry were finally in bed I basically dropped off too. So we woke up early for it.

Similar situation but without any perceived rejection. It is how you keep relationships going in busy lives isn't it?

Bigonesmallone3 Sat 16-Mar-19 07:29:14

I thought it was cute at first that even though there is a lot going on you still have enough passion in your relationship to sneak in a quicky..

Then the story changed..
Does he do it because he thinks it's what you want?
Some people are just turned on by the risk of being caught..
He is BU in this case..

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:29:17

Lees me either, I was fucking furious but obviously I couldn’t say much without drawing more attention to it, so I stormed out.
I THINK it was a misguided attempt to stop me feeling offended for blowing me out, I don’t know,
He just apologised and at the moment I don’t want to talk to him about it.
I don’t really like the idea even when we don’t know anyone, I’m not an exhibitionist, but I don’t mind a bit of subtle suggestion.

HarrysOwl Sat 16-Mar-19 07:30:13

Really couldn't care less what rocks your socks (if it's legal) and I don't think this has anything to do with what you're actually asking.

The going cold behaviour would really confuse me. He's absolutely reasonable to change his mind about wanting sex, but he's unreasonable to talk to you like you've outlined.

How often will he react like this? Half the time you initiate? Less, more? Does he only get in the mood when he initiates with you?

HarrysOwl Sat 16-Mar-19 07:32:50

Also, it could have been worse. Imagine if he been trying it on with you with his mum in the room. confused

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:34:40

HarrysOwl even the notion..... (also, she died, so, whole new level of wrong there 😂)

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:40:59

HarrysOwl I think, in all seriousness, it’s a relatively recent thing, the going cold thing. He is permanently tired, as I say, he works shifts, his brother’s firm are doing the work so he’s helping out on his days off etc, and it’s been a big ongoing project, which is nearly finished.

But last night was a first, to be that cold and offish. Normally if he’s not up for it, I accept it and maybe take matters into my own hands, or vice versa. Also one of us might bring the other off with no gain to themselves, it depends. I think/thought we had a pretty healthy and normal relationship, maybe not....?

It’s not really something I would discuss IRL to know.

Booboostwo Sat 16-Mar-19 07:41:38

There are many things going on here, I think you need to look at them one at a time.

Flirting in public. This is something that turns him on. Are you compatible on this? Does it also turn you on? If yes, then this is fine as long as it doesn’t cross the line into public indecency or embarrassing other people around you. If it doesn’t turn you on then he needs to stop.

Mixed messages. He seemed to suggest he wanted sex, then said no, then seemed to flirt again. If this has happened just once I would just forget about it as a miscommunication. If it happens a lot then you need to discuss it openly and figure out what is going wrong in your communication and how the misunderstanding is happening.

And then there is a third possibility which is more sinister. Is it possible he is sexually aroused only when you are unavailable, e.g. in public places, but loses interest when you can actually have sex?

Skittlesss Sat 16-Mar-19 07:41:46

I think you’ve changed your story from your first post because “one finger moving closer” wouldn’t get anyone off!

LizzieSiddal Sat 16-Mar-19 07:43:20

Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner

So he’s having his dinner, watching TV and trying to turn you on, all at the same time?

At least he can multitask.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole Sat 16-Mar-19 07:45:23

Er why would it be worse if it was a MIL in the room not a DM?

Anique105 Sat 16-Mar-19 07:45:56

I can guarantee your mum isnt Oblivious. Shes Obviously trying to pretend not to notice as its son awkward. You both are carrying on like perverts. I'm pretty sure people around you pick up on this and inwardly cringing.

Vulpine Sat 16-Mar-19 07:46:27

The whole thing sounds really irritating

HarrysOwl Sat 16-Mar-19 07:47:12

But last night was a first, to be that cold and offish.

If it was a first, and there's a lot of stress going on at the moment, then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

BUT I would have a wider discussion ASAP with him about how it made you feel, and that him initiating, however subtly, with your mum there made you feel uncomfortable. And point out how him going cold after showing interest can be at best confusing and at worst quite hurtful.

It doesn't sound like either of you are being selfish, you've got a lot going on!

BertrandRussell Sat 16-Mar-19 07:47:24

I think bringing off means something different to me than it does to you, OP........

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:47:42

Skittlesss I can’t win, can I? If I say he does things like discreetly puts a hand up my dress and strokes the outside of my knickers, but doesn’t go inside until we get home, I’m a pervert who’s getting arrested, if I tone it down so that the likes of VelvetPineapple don’t whip out the Sex Offenders Register, I’m making it up.

My point was more about whether he overstepped the line or not. Not the specific details of what floats my boat 🙄🙄🙄.

HarrysOwl Sat 16-Mar-19 07:48:30

Er why would it be worse if it was a MIL in the room not a DM

Er because if he was turned on with his mother in the room, that'd be all kinds of weird.

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:49:50

Bertrand I think we would agree the final result is the same thing..l. It’s all about the build up...

Ali1cedowntherabbithole Sat 16-Mar-19 07:49:54

It’s not really something I would discuss IRL to know.

This phrase stands out to me. OP, the Mumsnet relationship boards are less of a bear pit than AIBU.

It sounds to me like there is more to this flowers

VelvetPineapple Sat 16-Mar-19 07:50:22

velvetpineapple I also said “sneaky attempts to try to” that I stop
So if you didn’t stop him he’d go all the way. Disgusting man. Also that’s not what you said in your OP - you said “bring me off” not just a finger moving closer. Fairly certain nobody gets brought off unless there’s some fairly heavy wanking going on.

I should probably also point out, my mum was at the other end of quite a large room
She was at the other end of a large room while you were all having dinner and watching tv?

Can you tell him that that's just not okay, but public plans where you don't know anybody he can fill your his boots?
Lovely. Do it in front of other people’s parents and kids, as long as you don’t do it in front of your own.

Longlostperson Sat 16-Mar-19 07:51:23

It all sounds ok ish. Right up until he told you ”ffs get off “.
I would have kicked him in the nob and demanded what his problem was.

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