Sex - who’s being selfish here?(99 Posts)
Ok, so this is a bit complicated.
We’re currently renovating our house. OH is overseeing the work, but due to DS’s asthma, me and the kids are spending periods of time at my parents house when there is a lot of dust etc.
OH doesn’t stay at my parents because he’s allergic to their dog, so he’s at home.
Obviously this means a lot of time apart (which we’re used to, he’s a shift worker).
He comes to my parents every night after work/building etc to see the kids, but AYCI, alone time is difficult. So we sometimes makes excuses that I am going home to “see what the builders have done that day”, and essentially we use that time for sex. We’re not talking daily here, maybe once/twice a week.
He has always got off on trying to sneak attempts to bring me off when there are people around, he tries it on under the table in restaurants etc, which I usually stop, depend on how public the situation is. It doesn’t do much for me but it usually sets the scene for later when we’ve alone.
Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner. I was up for it but obviously not there and then, so I said “After dinner, let’s pop home and you can show me the timing done today.”
He tried it on again in the car. Got in, I went to make a move (we’re having a lot of quickies at the mo, for obvious reasons). He pushed me away and said “FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
I was obviously upset, but didn’t want to push him.
He dropped me back at my parents (because obviously we had gone in his car), he said he would come in for a bit, within minutes, he was trying it on, discreetly, with my mum in the same room!
Obviously I slapped him away and my mum, I think, was oblivious, but it occurred to me, he does this a lot, gets me excited in an awkward situation, then goes cold when it’s no longer awkward.
Not sure if the problem is with him trying to make things a bit more exciting or me taking offence. He claims the latter.
I do most of the instigating anyway, when we do do it, he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate.
That's mad mind games, have you asked WTF he's playing at?
The fact that you have to ask if you're being unreasonable makes me wonder what other mind games he plays on you. Because as an outsider it very much looks like he gets off on controlling you.
You need to talk about sex in detail with each other. What does he do for you ???
How strange but agree he is trying to manipulate you.
What turned him on before your renovation??
I just think doing it in public does it for him???
I am often not up for sex when my DH is and I would never ever turn him down like that.
Of course he can change his mind about wanting sex despite having played games earlier as we are all entitled to, but to try and belittle you and make you feel shit like that is cruel and unnecessary.
He wants to control you.
Get a vibrator and take control of your own needs.
A public place would do nothing for me either! No thanks!
I agree you need to ask him what he’s playing at.
Omg that’s so disgusting and disrespectful. Sexual behaviour in front of his parents and yours - your mum is probably not oblivious, just so embarrassed that she pretends not to notice. And trying to “bring you off” in public is foul and indecent, not to mention illegal. I really hope he isn’t putting his hands inside your clothes then touching everything with his unwashed hands. People don’t wank in public! What on Earth makes him (and you) think this is acceptable?! Tell him to learn some respect for others and keep his sexual behaviour private among consenting adults.
This is purely about control; he's essentially marking his territory with you, like an object, whenever you're around other people. He's an exhibitionist at heart too. Neither is easy to live with. And I don't honk talking to him will really help, as he'll make it all your fault/ problem. I think you have a much bigger issue here.
Bloody hell, he sounds like a sex pest. Not one that I'd put up with.
And yes, can't believe you are asking it's patently obvious.
I am not suggesting I agree with him in anyway. Yes yuk in front of family and in public.i guess I was trying to get at what turns him on usually before all this.
velvetpineapple I’m not talking full-on sex in the middle of McDonalds, FFS.
I mean subtle suggestive stuff, subtle touches over the clothes, mostly.
Or he might send a suggestive text while we’re at different ends of the same party and watch my reaction.
Nothing illegal. That does nothing for me AT ALL and would never happen.
I’m sure there’s people on here who do much “worse”.
The renovation thing is just the reason for yesterday’s situation. Usually it’s in the car, for example, maybe the cinema. NEVER anything full on, just subtle hints, a hand moving closer, that kind of thing. I’m not going into detail because the MN brigade will burn me at the stake and I’m trying to work out if I’m being gaslighted or something, and can’t be arsed to justify myself.
Maybe meet him away from your parents, a date even... but just talk about sex a lot more with him and then you may understand what’s going on. I cant believe on here that people haven’t had sex outside...it is not indecent, it can be sexy as hell and amazing as long as nobody is around.
I’m sorry I am very open minded when it comes to sex. He still sounds grim. If my DH would behave sexually suggestive or as you put it “tried it on” with my mother in the room more than once he would be an ex, it’s disgusting!
So you suggest she divorce a loving husband and dad over this ..... get real...open minded ?
velvetpineapple I’m not talking full-on sex in the middle of McDonalds, FFS
You said “bring me off”. That implies orgasm. Which is totally inappropriate and illegal in public.
it can be sexy as hell and amazing as long as nobody is around
Yes, if nobody is around. Not in front of your mother! Or in a restaurant where people are eating. If you got caught wanking under the table in a restaurant you would quite rightly be arrested.
If you don’t like it, tell him you don’t like it. If he’s somebody worth being with, he’ll stop. It’s not difficult.
Well done to a woman that can achieve an orgasm so successfully in a restaurant, as it can be very difficult for a lot of women in their own home
Mixed message and unclear communication
I’d explain that when someone is constantly teased ( he’s turning you on for sex) then slapped down, ( he doesn’t want sex ) the teasing ceases to work as you know what’s coming afterwards it’ll actually become a turn off
So this will ruin your sex life, it would be better to have a conversation now to prevent a dive in your sex life later
Agree that the thing about your mother being in the room really made me cringe and feel uncomfortable just reading it - there's something very nasty about it. I can't put my finger on it but something's not right.
velvetpineapple I also said “sneaky attempts to try to” that I stop. It’s more like footsie, or hands on my thigh, one finger moving closer, but stopping before it gets indecent.
It’s teasing, basically.
It’s not exactly When Harry Met Sally.
I should probably also point out, my mum was at the other end of quite a large room, and it was quick, furtive, but suggestive - getting down and dirty in front of my parents isn’t on my agenda, thanks....
Essentially he hinted that he was up for it, then turned the second I tried to reciprocate.
I mean I can't put my finger on what bothers me about this whole post - the thing about your mum being in the room is gross for obvious reasons! It does seem like this is a weird control thing or something?
Is the in front of family thing that I find gross. Can you tell him that that's just not okay, but public plans where you don't know anybody he can fill
your his boots?
I know what you mean op.
The going cold bit is not cool though.
Dh and I were giving each other the eyes in a restaurant with the kids last night. But once thry were finally in bed I basically dropped off too. So we woke up early for it.
Similar situation but without any perceived rejection. It is how you keep relationships going in busy lives isn't it?
I thought it was cute at first that even though there is a lot going on you still have enough passion in your relationship to sneak in a quicky..
Then the story changed..
Does he do it because he thinks it's what you want?
Some people are just turned on by the risk of being caught..
He is BU in this case..
Lees me either, I was fucking furious but obviously I couldn’t say much without drawing more attention to it, so I stormed out.
I THINK it was a misguided attempt to stop me feeling offended for blowing me out, I don’t know,
He just apologised and at the moment I don’t want to talk to him about it.
I don’t really like the idea even when we don’t know anyone, I’m not an exhibitionist, but I don’t mind a bit of subtle suggestion.
Really couldn't care less what rocks your socks (if it's legal) and I don't think this has anything to do with what you're actually asking.
The going cold behaviour would really confuse me. He's absolutely reasonable to change his mind about wanting sex, but he's unreasonable to talk to you like you've outlined.
How often will he react like this? Half the time you initiate? Less, more? Does he only get in the mood when he initiates with you?
Also, it could have been worse. Imagine if he been trying it on with you with his mum in the room.
HarrysOwl even the notion..... (also, she died, so, whole new level of wrong there 😂)
HarrysOwl I think, in all seriousness, it’s a relatively recent thing, the going cold thing. He is permanently tired, as I say, he works shifts, his brother’s firm are doing the work so he’s helping out on his days off etc, and it’s been a big ongoing project, which is nearly finished.
But last night was a first, to be that cold and offish. Normally if he’s not up for it, I accept it and maybe take matters into my own hands, or vice versa. Also one of us might bring the other off with no gain to themselves, it depends. I think/thought we had a pretty healthy and normal relationship, maybe not....?
It’s not really something I would discuss IRL to know.
There are many things going on here, I think you need to look at them one at a time.
Flirting in public. This is something that turns him on. Are you compatible on this? Does it also turn you on? If yes, then this is fine as long as it doesn’t cross the line into public indecency or embarrassing other people around you. If it doesn’t turn you on then he needs to stop.
Mixed messages. He seemed to suggest he wanted sex, then said no, then seemed to flirt again. If this has happened just once I would just forget about it as a miscommunication. If it happens a lot then you need to discuss it openly and figure out what is going wrong in your communication and how the misunderstanding is happening.
And then there is a third possibility which is more sinister. Is it possible he is sexually aroused only when you are unavailable, e.g. in public places, but loses interest when you can actually have sex?
I think you’ve changed your story from your first post because “one finger moving closer” wouldn’t get anyone off!
Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner
So he’s having his dinner, watching TV and trying to turn you on, all at the same time?
At least he can multitask.
Er why would it be worse if it was a MIL in the room not a DM?
I can guarantee your mum isnt Oblivious. Shes Obviously trying to pretend not to notice as its son awkward. You both are carrying on like perverts. I'm pretty sure people around you pick up on this and inwardly cringing.
But last night was a first, to be that cold and offish.
If it was a first, and there's a lot of stress going on at the moment, then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
BUT I would have a wider discussion ASAP with him about how it made you feel, and that him initiating, however subtly, with your mum there made you feel uncomfortable. And point out how him going cold after showing interest can be at best confusing and at worst quite hurtful.
It doesn't sound like either of you are being selfish, you've got a lot going on!
I think bringing off means something different to me than it does to you, OP........
Skittlesss I can’t win, can I? If I say he does things like discreetly puts a hand up my dress and strokes the outside of my knickers, but doesn’t go inside until we get home, I’m a pervert who’s getting arrested, if I tone it down so that the likes of VelvetPineapple don’t whip out the Sex Offenders Register, I’m making it up.
My point was more about whether he overstepped the line or not. Not the specific details of what floats my boat 🙄🙄🙄.
Er why would it be worse if it was a MIL in the room not a DM
Er because if he was turned on with his mother in the room, that'd be all kinds of weird.
Bertrand I think we would agree the final result is the same thing..l. It’s all about the build up...
It’s not really something I would discuss IRL to know.
This phrase stands out to me. OP, the Mumsnet relationship boards are less of a bear pit than AIBU.
It sounds to me like there is more to this
velvetpineapple I also said “sneaky attempts to try to” that I stop
So if you didn’t stop him he’d go all the way. Disgusting man. Also that’s not what you said in your OP - you said “bring me off” not just a finger moving closer. Fairly certain nobody gets brought off unless there’s some fairly heavy wanking going on.
I should probably also point out, my mum was at the other end of quite a large room
She was at the other end of a large room while you were all having dinner and watching tv?
Can you tell him that that's just not okay, but public plans where you don't know anybody he can fill your his boots?
Lovely. Do it in front of other people’s parents and kids, as long as you don’t do it in front of your own.
It all sounds ok ish. Right up until he told you ”ffs get off “.
I would have kicked him in the nob and demanded what his problem was.
HarrysOwl I agree. I think he almost doesn’t notice my mum, whereas his own was a constant presence....
Fairly certain nobody gets brought off unless there’s some fairly heavy wanking going on
I can assure you heavy wanking would not bring me off.
He sounds awful.
But he can’t be or you wouldn’t be with him. What do you both actually talk about? Can’t the guy just be in a restaurant with you or does he just have to turn into a wank fest? I know it’s not When Harry Met Sally, but it’s grim. I want to understand the magic between you two because quite frankly, trying to get you off in front of your mum but then rejecting you in a place of privacy is just shit, really. Poor you. I don’t know what the fix is. But you’re so not BU.
VelvetPineapple let’s just assume we’re not talking full on wanking here, OK, just little touches that on their own are nothing much, but usually suggest more is to follow.
Secondly, yes, she was - I think you’re focussing on the wrong detail here, but since you ask, she had been out for a meal with friends, and wasn’t eating with us - it’s essentially a park home so she was making a cup of tea in the kitchen, we were in the lounge area.
We didn’t shag each other on the table during Coronation Street.
I already said, I don’t go in for public sex, it’s not my thing but there’s a whole line between someone making a subtle suggestion in public and what I think you are imagining.....
And why don’t you just say “FFS, not in front of my parents!”? Why haven’t you said STOP?
I’m not imagining anything. It was you who said he tries to bring you off. Not a subtle suggestion. You actually used the words “bring me off”.
We didn’t shag each other on the table during Coronation Street
Finding the pearl clutchers this morning, OP!
Vanguard I think you’re right. The long and short of it isn’t we obviously need a proper conversation, which is just a nightmare at the moment. But it did make me feel shit, you’re right.
Alternatively, I might just suggest we go shopping and jump him in the middle of the Trafford Centre, just for shits and giggles..... then report back here!
Velvet TRIES is the operative word there. I think he sometimes genuinely thinks that that is all it takes. Whereas experience should have taught him I need MUCH more.....
I agree with the poster above, he sounds like a pervert. If you get arrested and charged with indecency it will be in the papers and on your DBS, how will you feel about that?
The issue isn't with him going off sex.
Theres something wrong with him, doing that in front of parents.
Moving his finger closer - acceptable
Playing footsie - acceptable
Putting his hand up your dress and stroking your minge over your knickers - not acceptable
So you always stop him after the touches in public? Do you know or have you talked to him about what he actually wants/intends in those situations, if you didn't stop him? If you didn't stop him would he take it further and further and actually start trying to 'bring you off', which is disgusting and perverted, sorry. If he'd stop before it got indecent then what would he see happening next?
It's ok you saying it's fine because it never gets very far but what's the whole point of it if he's not happy with you suggesting sex later... it's hard for us to advise when it's so unclear what you're saying he's actually aiming at! Does he want to be intimate in public? Does he want sex later but somehow you're judging the timing wrong or is he being a twat winding you up? If you don't know then it's a convo you need with him.
I think I will have a conversation with him today to see what’s what, now that the general consensus seems to be that he was in the wrong, which is all I was trying to gauge.
I think you need to explain what you've said here to him. That you don't mind it in certain situations, but not where your parents are and that you've noticed he doesn't seem interested when it's just the 2 of you.
I also don't think he's a pervert at all. What he does can be exciting for both of you if it doesn't overstep the mark.
Do you know his full background OP? Have you seen his police check? I wonder if he has sexual offences on his record. Has he?
He really doesn't give a shit to do that in front of parents and in public.
This jumped out at me:
he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate
Weird. Fair enough being turned on by sex n 'naughty' places but this is cruel - if done over and over as part of a pattern. What's the rest of your relationship like?
FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
😱 If these were the words he really used, I’d be very very upset. There are kinder ways to turn down other people’s advances.
Bet your mum is more aware than you think.
Boysey, we’ve been together since school, I have no concerns in that area, although I understand why you might think that.
kingfisher I thought it was OK, but this is a newish thing.
point out how him going cold after showing interest can be at best confusing and at worst quite hurtful
I do get what you’re saying OP & the quote above from one poster seems to sum up succinctly what you seemed to be saying as well as some of the others (who were focusing less on the unfortunate use of ‘bringing off’ and being a perv aspect!).
However if you look at that statement above & turn the tables, especially if you look from the perspective of consent (thinking about the ‘cup of tea’ consent analogy - if you ask someone if they want a cup of tea, make the tea then they decide they don’t want tea after all) then him changing his mind is valid - even if confusing!
We can all change our minds when it comes to sex, if a man said that statement above about a situation with a woman, or worse still assumed that earlier signals gave him a green light to carry on regardless (not that you did, obviously) or that he was obliged to because he’d previously seemed up for it then the reaction on here would be very different!
It does sound like you need a conversation- mainly about how the public teasing makes you uncomfortable/is inappropriate.
The whole situation with your living arrangements also sounds trying - hopefully if you communicate & say how much you’re looking forward to a time when things are a bit more normal & you get proper time alone/he isn’t permanently knackered from working & building in his spare time & you get to sleep on the same bed - whilst explaining why being given one impression & then being rejected hurt your feelings then you’ll resolve it. Sounds more like a lack of opportunity to communicate & a frustrating time generally (or he only gets turned on in risky situations which is a whole other issue you need to cover clearly!). Good luck!
I think you can draw a boundary at your parents presence, without stopping suggestive touches in the car.
You need to discuss this though, not in the heat of the moment.
It sounds like he wanted to do things his way -a bit of a power thing- so saw doing it your way as giving in. I'd be really clear that this leads to no sex for anyone. I do think he crossed a line, as it was one you'd already drawn earlier that evening.
You say this is a fairly recent thing, what was your relationship like before? Presumably he has not always needed the stimulation of inappropriate situations? Were you having regular, enjoyable sex in private? What has changed in your lives in general that could have led to this change in your sex life?
Does he watch porn? I wonder if he has got obsessed with those "caught in public" type videos and somehow can only become aroused in that type of situation?
Whatever the reasons behind it, you're clearly not happy, and he doesn't sound particularly happy either. You definitely need to talk, and state that you find his behaviour unacceptable. However reassure him you still find him attractive and want to have sex with him (if you do, it sounds like you do) but it has to be in more acceptable situations, and not triggered by inappropriate behaviour. Listen to his perspective and see what he says.
I think he has a thing about ‘being caught’ and ‘doing it in public’, maybe it’s a new turn in for him? Even so he needs to stop as it’s just wrong. I have had partners in the past that have done similar but they were young and stupid, it can also be a control thing.
I love Velvet’s concern that the husband might touch his wife’s body and then touch other things with his ‘unwashed hands’. Considering the number of people who urinate/defecate/play pocket billiards/stroke animals etc etc without washing their hands afterwards, I don’t think the OPs husband is going to add many extra microbes to the general mix.
He sounds really irritating and like a teenage boy. I hope you manage a good chat, because it sounds like you really need one. The flirting/harrassment then shutdown and speaking to you like that - he generally sounds like he gets off on making you uncomfortable in any way possible, not just sexually, sorry.
Are you the first woman he has been with?..He sounds very inexperienced...if he doesn't know what turns you on by now you have serious problems ahead..
I'm also wondering if he does this in risque situations, knowing he can't really take it further. So really in those situations it's not about his ability to perform.
When it's just the 2 of you, there's no hiding behind anything.
Poor OP is really getting a battering from some people here. FGS she said clearly in the first post that the public stuff doesn’t do much for her but sets the scene for later. Then people are grilling her over what exactly that entails! It’s none of your business people! It’s not relevant to the problem exactly what they do and where.
OP. I would talk to him properly about this. What he said to you was quite nasty and I would be honest with him and tell him it upset you. You can tell him it confuses you that he blows hot and cold and ask him to explain. It doesn’t make things more “exciting” if he wants to do public stuff but then pushes you away for sex. That’s not exciting, it’s frustrating and mean. Imagine a woman saying “I often like to turn my partner on and get him excited but then I refuse to have sex with him”. Would the man in that scenario be “offended” or would he be (rightly) pissed off?
Still amused by the comment that it’s illegal to orgasm in public!
You mam is definitely more aware than you think.
He does sound a bit yuk tbh. I'd have no problem with little whispers or a hand on a leg but ffs putting his hand up your dress while out for dinner is disgusting. You might think it's subtle enough that no one notices but someone does...
I can’t help but wonder if this is his desperate coping mechanism for a waning libido. Hold up and listen. I’m so not implying he’s losing his attraction to you or his sex drive. But if this is sort of new behaviour or more desperate than before, I’m wondering if- between the renovations and working and juggling family life between houses (one with the parents firmly in place) he’s just knackered and ‘not there’ and feeling uncomfortable with this. His libido may be taking a hit and he can’t handle it. So his way of coping is, well, foolishly. Maybe the thrill of risky fondling in front of MIL (eww) is his desperate attempt to get himself out of his slump. But it’s not working really so he takes it out on you by rejecting you to divert the attention away from his lack of sex drive.
Your lives sound very stressful at the moment. Any chance of a weekend away. Just the two of you? You sound like there’s no space for you guys in your lives where you can just connect.
Ask him straight out. Say 'I notice that you often make advances on me when other people are present. And you do that an awful lot.
But when we are alone you aren't that interested. Have you noticed that yourself?'
It sounds like he wants sexual possessiveness of you. But only to show you that he 'owns' you. Like at a party it's to get control of you. At your parents it's to show you he's the alpha male who owns you, not your parents. He is not saying 'I want you because I desire you' he is saying 'I want you because I have to show others I own you'.
For him sex is about possession and ownership, it's not about physical connection with someone he loves. Pure speculation on my part from the little bit you have said.
OK, I just had it out with him. He was really apologetic and admitted that the whole situation is getting to him at the moment.
He thought he was being daring but acknowledged he was actually just being creepy. And we are going to try and make more time for each other, starting tonight where we going for a meal and some very much hands off conversation (one advantage of staying with parents is babysitters on tap).
Obviously, if, after all that he’s still being a twat, I have some serious thinking or do, but I’m hopeful he’s taken it all on board.
Never anything full on but he touches you up under the table?
Make your mind up op.
That sounds positive OP, fingers crossed he really does understand and the two of you can get back to a normal sex life (whatever is normal for you both!).
Sadly you've done a good job at making yourselves sound grubby and classless. Get the builders to crack on with your renovation...
He sounds like an immature first boyfriend.
Tell him to stop trying to arouse you in front of family. They aren’t stupid and it’s embarrassing for them.
He is sexually aroused, if he thinks what you're doing is wrong, or you could be "caught".
Once you were alone in the car, he couldn't get aroused.
Sounds like he enjoys Risk. Prime candidate for an affair imo.
Have any of the last four posters read the OP's update?!
"Sadly you've done a good job at making yourselves sound grubby and classless. "
Sexual fetishes, get more extreme as you up up the classes.
OP, thays what you've got to work out, is it a fetish and can he live without it.
You aren't on the same page, sexually. He hasn't had consent and it does nothing for you. Unless you are willing to compromise, then make it clear that its a big, hands-off-in-public.
If you were into it, there's better ways to do public sex, that doesn't compromise other people's boundaries.
Your Mother hasn't given consent, to have sexual contact done in her presence, you are stepping on her boundaries. That's disrespectful and plain out of order.
He has to decide if its a stress thing, or wanting risky sex, thing. The latter can be a tough one, to get past.
drum12345, he could easily be in denial about what he wants, or covering up. The OP still needs to approach with caution.
It's not undermining the poor little man's consent if you object to being told "Ffs get off me" etc. Most other decent human beings manage to communicate that they don't want sex without making their partner feel like shit about themselves.
Of course he can change his mind, I haven't seen anybody suggest otherwise. The objections are to him acting like a creep and a jerk. What about the issues of consent around him touching up the op in front of her mother?
Yes , I did, drum it still doesn’t change my opinion
Maybe I’m a prude but he sounds utterly disgusting.
He’s missing a few chips from his plate by the sounds of it
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.