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Sex - who’s being selfish here?

(99 Posts)
PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 06:40:38

Ok, so this is a bit complicated.

We’re currently renovating our house. OH is overseeing the work, but due to DS’s asthma, me and the kids are spending periods of time at my parents house when there is a lot of dust etc.

OH doesn’t stay at my parents because he’s allergic to their dog, so he’s at home.
Obviously this means a lot of time apart (which we’re used to, he’s a shift worker).

He comes to my parents every night after work/building etc to see the kids, but AYCI, alone time is difficult. So we sometimes makes excuses that I am going home to “see what the builders have done that day”, and essentially we use that time for sex. We’re not talking daily here, maybe once/twice a week.

He has always got off on trying to sneak attempts to bring me off when there are people around, he tries it on under the table in restaurants etc, which I usually stop, depend on how public the situation is. It doesn’t do much for me but it usually sets the scene for later when we’ve alone.

Last night, he was trying to turn me on while we were watching telly at my parents house, during dinner. I was up for it but obviously not there and then, so I said “After dinner, let’s pop home and you can show me the timing done today.”
He tried it on again in the car. Got in, I went to make a move (we’re having a lot of quickies at the mo, for obvious reasons). He pushed me away and said “FFS, get off. I thought you wanted to see the tiles, I’m knackered and not interested.”
I was obviously upset, but didn’t want to push him.
He dropped me back at my parents (because obviously we had gone in his car), he said he would come in for a bit, within minutes, he was trying it on, discreetly, with my mum in the same room!

Obviously I slapped him away and my mum, I think, was oblivious, but it occurred to me, he does this a lot, gets me excited in an awkward situation, then goes cold when it’s no longer awkward.

Not sure if the problem is with him trying to make things a bit more exciting or me taking offence. He claims the latter.

I do most of the instigating anyway, when we do do it, he seems happy to only do it when it’s really not appropriate.

youknowmedontyou Sat 16-Mar-19 06:42:54

That's mad mind games, have you asked WTF he's playing at?

isabellerossignol Sat 16-Mar-19 06:47:44

The fact that you have to ask if you're being unreasonable makes me wonder what other mind games he plays on you. Because as an outsider it very much looks like he gets off on controlling you.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 06:48:50

You need to talk about sex in detail with each other. What does he do for you ???

ukgift2016 Sat 16-Mar-19 06:50:11

How strange but agree he is trying to manipulate you.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 06:50:12

What turned him on before your renovation??

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 06:51:10

I just think doing it in public does it for him???

Spiderbanana Sat 16-Mar-19 06:51:46

I am often not up for sex when my DH is and I would never ever turn him down like that.

Of course he can change his mind about wanting sex despite having played games earlier as we are all entitled to, but to try and belittle you and make you feel shit like that is cruel and unnecessary.

He wants to control you.

Get a vibrator and take control of your own needs.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sat 16-Mar-19 06:53:02

A public place would do nothing for me either! No thanks!

I agree you need to ask him what he’s playing at.

VelvetPineapple Sat 16-Mar-19 06:54:05

Omg that’s so disgusting and disrespectful. Sexual behaviour in front of his parents and yours - your mum is probably not oblivious, just so embarrassed that she pretends not to notice. And trying to “bring you off” in public is foul and indecent, not to mention illegal. I really hope he isn’t putting his hands inside your clothes then touching everything with his unwashed hands. People don’t wank in public! What on Earth makes him (and you) think this is acceptable?! Tell him to learn some respect for others and keep his sexual behaviour private among consenting adults.

Monty27 Sat 16-Mar-19 06:54:54

Eh? grin
Right pair of disrepectful clowns hmm

surlycurly Sat 16-Mar-19 06:57:35

This is purely about control; he's essentially marking his territory with you, like an object, whenever you're around other people. He's an exhibitionist at heart too. Neither is easy to live with. And I don't honk talking to him will really help, as he'll make it all your fault/ problem. I think you have a much bigger issue here.

Awrite Sat 16-Mar-19 06:59:28

Bloody hell, he sounds like a sex pest. Not one that I'd put up with.

And yes, can't believe you are asking it's patently obvious.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 06:59:37

I am not suggesting I agree with him in anyway. Yes yuk in front of family and in public.i guess I was trying to get at what turns him on usually before all this.

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:00:02

velvetpineapple I’m not talking full-on sex in the middle of McDonalds, FFS.
I mean subtle suggestive stuff, subtle touches over the clothes, mostly.
Or he might send a suggestive text while we’re at different ends of the same party and watch my reaction.
Nothing illegal. That does nothing for me AT ALL and would never happen.
I’m sure there’s people on here who do much “worse”.

PhryneFisher Sat 16-Mar-19 07:04:39

The renovation thing is just the reason for yesterday’s situation. Usually it’s in the car, for example, maybe the cinema. NEVER anything full on, just subtle hints, a hand moving closer, that kind of thing. I’m not going into detail because the MN brigade will burn me at the stake and I’m trying to work out if I’m being gaslighted or something, and can’t be arsed to justify myself.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 07:08:11

Maybe meet him away from your parents, a date even... but just talk about sex a lot more with him and then you may understand what’s going on. I cant believe on here that people haven’t had sex is not indecent, it can be sexy as hell and amazing as long as nobody is around.

SummersB Sat 16-Mar-19 07:08:44

I’m sorry I am very open minded when it comes to sex. He still sounds grim. If my DH would behave sexually suggestive or as you put it “tried it on” with my mother in the room more than once he would be an ex, it’s disgusting!

Dimsumlosesum Sat 16-Mar-19 07:09:51

He sounds grim and pathetic.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 07:11:58

So you suggest she divorce a loving husband and dad over this ..... get minded ?

VelvetPineapple Sat 16-Mar-19 07:14:07

velvetpineapple I’m not talking full-on sex in the middle of McDonalds, FFS

You said “bring me off”. That implies orgasm. Which is totally inappropriate and illegal in public.

VelvetPineapple Sat 16-Mar-19 07:16:26

it can be sexy as hell and amazing as long as nobody is around
Yes, if nobody is around. Not in front of your mother! Or in a restaurant where people are eating. If you got caught wanking under the table in a restaurant you would quite rightly be arrested.

BertrandRussell Sat 16-Mar-19 07:17:46

If you don’t like it, tell him you don’t like it. If he’s somebody worth being with, he’ll stop. It’s not difficult.

allgirlsaroundhere Sat 16-Mar-19 07:20:16

Well done to a woman that can achieve an orgasm so successfully in a restaurant, as it can be very difficult for a lot of women in their own home

ivykaty44 Sat 16-Mar-19 07:20:51

Mixed message and unclear communication
I’d explain that when someone is constantly teased ( he’s turning you on for sex) then slapped down, ( he doesn’t want sex ) the teasing ceases to work as you know what’s coming afterwards it’ll actually become a turn off

So this will ruin your sex life, it would be better to have a conversation now to prevent a dive in your sex life later

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