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To consider ending relationship over this??

(70 Posts)
Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 21:15:14

Bit of a long one so thanks to anyone who reads it all!
So for background, myself and DH have been together for approx 1 year and 4 months (not married but engaged). We started dating and ended up moving in together after a few months and roughly a month later I was pregnant with DS, now 3 months.
When we met, through work, I had heard rumours of him having been dating another coworker for the past 4/5 years. Now this shocked me at the time due to a combination of; there was never any chemistry between them, they never seemed to speak about anything other than work, and also, excuse my lack of political correctness, but she was rather unattractive in comparison and didn’t have much of a personality 🙈. He explained me from the start that he had slept with her and went on a few dates with her a few years back but he never wanted anything more, however she clung on to the idea of a relationship for years, frequently texting despite lack of replies etc. He claims he went along with it instead of shutting it down for an easy life. When we started dating he hadn’t slept with her in over a year and that was a one off after a night out.
Problem is thus.. I left the job around about the time we moved in together and no one there knew we were together (both our choice) though he was still within the same company. He no longer saw the other coworker in work daily but still occasionally and over the phone for work. I accepted the situation wasn’t a relationship so told him I didn’t mind him not telling her we were together and just to not reply to her messages so he blocked her. Though in December shortly after DS was born, and about a 9 months since he “blocked her”, I discovered a texting a personal texting conversation to her, and obviously went ballistic. He explained that he only messaged her to bide time, keep the peace and make life easier regarding work(he was leaving the job with the month), both for him but even more so for a close family member of his that worked beneath her and he knew how difficult she’d make life for his family member at work(who was also leaving within the month). He agreed this it was utterly wrong for him to do and begged for my forgiveness. I accepted eventually as I understood that he had no intent to ever see her and it genuinely was for that reason, I also know 100% he hasn’t saw her out with work as the text messaged between them confirmed that.
More recently I discovered that it wasn’t just one set of text messages, but occasionally ones throughout the year, not untoward text messages but still keeping contact, once or twice a month.

So, AIBU for considering ending things for this? Part of me can’t shake the feeling of betrayal that he kept contact with an “ex”, particularly while I was pregnant. And the more rational part of me understand he made a stupid mistake that I truly believe he’d never make again, and he genuinely never had any intent to cheat on me. He is a good guy and this is the only issue we’ve ever had but it’s just created trust issues I’m struggling to shake.

Opinions please? And thank you to anyone who’s read to the end smile

Sparkletastic Fri 15-Mar-19 21:18:14

He's weak and more into her than he admitted.

Popc0rn Fri 15-Mar-19 21:25:27

For me, the fact that he lied about blocking her in the first place would make it hard for me to trust him again tbh. Why lie? Unless he's hiding something.

I would also say it depends on the content of the messages, but the fact that they've slept together, and he lied about blocking her kinda makes that a moot point. I'd be pissed/hurt over this.

Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 21:45:40

He had blocked her, he then unblocked her about a month later when his close family member was essentially getting bullied at work pestering to know why she hadn't heard from him. The family member couldn't answer as I wanted to keep my pregnancy extremely private so they didn't know about me and him. (Health reasons)

The messages were as simple as her asking why she hasn't heard from him and him saying "been busy" little more

oneforthepain Fri 15-Mar-19 22:09:47

You sound controlling.

The messages were as simple as her asking why she hasn't heard from him and him saying "been busy" little more

So?

However, this is clearly utter bollocks:

He explained me from the start that he had slept with her and went on a few dates with her a few years back but he never wanted anything more, however she clung on to the idea of a relationship for years

OfficeSlave Fri 15-Mar-19 22:13:43

It sounds weird and he sounds weak. YANBU

Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 22:14:30

I struggle to understand how I seem controlling? Please elaborate

AnyFucker Fri 15-Mar-19 22:17:10

He is a liar

What more does one need to know ?

HelloMonday Fri 15-Mar-19 22:19:54

Yabu and then some!

adulthumanwolf Fri 15-Mar-19 22:20:38

Aw, bless him for trying to bide time and keep the peace. What a sweetheart.

Motoko Fri 15-Mar-19 22:29:51

I don't believe him. His excuse for continuing to "play along" with her delusions, before you got together, sounds like a lie, and then the excuse for unblocking her, also sounds like a lie.

I also don't understand why your relationship was kept a secret from the people at work, once you'd left. They didn't need to know about the pregnancy, but the secrecy about the relationship sounds odd.

Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 22:35:33

Motoko

It was more so my preference for them to not know about the relationship, completely unrelated reasons

BumbleBeee69 Fri 15-Mar-19 22:45:04

All this secrecy is bullshit OP hmm

Also his excuses about protecting of his relative working under this woman is also bullshit hmm there are laws against bullying in the workplace and she wouldn't have a leg to stand on should the young relative take it farther.

He's lying through his teeth, he loves the fact she fancies him and he loves being chased. What you do with that information is up to you. flowers

TidyDancer Fri 15-Mar-19 22:45:08

This is such an odd situation. You're in what is a relatively new relationship that has got serious very quickly and it sounds like you could've done with getting to know each other a bit better in the early days.

I don't think the texting is a huge problem, nor is contact with an ex in general. The lying is more so imo, but given that you went ballistic that's potentially why he didn't tell you, if the situation was entirely innocent and he knew how you would react.

You do sound fairly controlling tbh and fairly unpleasant from the way you have described your DP's ex.

Buglife Fri 15-Mar-19 22:47:51

He has to keep texting her now because a close family member who works under her is being bullied by her and she will only Stop if he texts her again 😳 that’s a film plot. That sounds like a massive lie. He’s making her into some kind of evil character to keep you on his side... think about it, does any of this sound realistic from her point of view? And the whole “she’s not very attractive” thing is clearly making you believe that she must be some kind of maniac obsessed with your man and willing to bring down his family to get him! Really... he’s lying.

Supersimpkin Fri 15-Mar-19 22:51:33

The guy must be reeling - from single and childless to engaged with a 3-month old in 16 months. Did you plan to have a child within two months of meeting?

You don't sound very happy either, or particularly confident and balanced.

Neither of you really knows the other one, and a new baby won't help you learn, so talk to each other and don't 'go ballistic' every time he gets a text you don't approve of.

GirlcalledJack Fri 15-Mar-19 22:52:52

He is a liar.

He is stringing her along and taking you and her for fools.

He is more into her than he is telling you.

wineandroses1 Fri 15-Mar-19 22:54:28

As per AnyFucker. Succinct and to the point.

Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 22:56:06

It was the lying I went ballistic over and I had been led to believe he had blocked her. Most of what I'm saying about the woman is because I knew her personally and not going by his stories, and believe me, she wasn't a pleasant person.

Thank you all for being so kind to a woman with a baby feeling vulnerable and seeking advice, you people do the sight proud 🙄

Chickychoccyegg Fri 15-Mar-19 23:02:08

He is obviously lying, anyone could tell that, what a load of nonsense!
Also shows the downside of rushing into a serious relationship and having a baby when you have no idea about each other at all, but thats done, so you have to decide if you beleive and trust him or if its time to move on

GabsAlot Fri 15-Mar-19 23:02:22

it does sound a bit suss but her being unattractive as you say was a bit mean and irrelvant

Graphista Fri 15-Mar-19 23:06:58

Fuck me! Why? Why do people do this?

So much bullshit!

Seems to me he was clearly continuing some kind of relationship with both of you at the same time and never clearly ended things with her. He's lead you both on. His excuses for doing so are just that - pathetic excuses!

BUT what on earth were you thinking moving in and having a baby so very quickly?! That's insane. Yes yes it's done now but PLEASE in the future, especially now you have a child to consider, don't rush into making relationships serious and get your contraception sorted properly!

And no yanbu to end the relationship over his lying and cheating!

Breastfeedingmama Fri 15-Mar-19 23:08:41

No contraception is full proof and I have no regrets whatsoever regarding DS... not by any matter of means what this post is about

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 15-Mar-19 23:12:22

Tbh my first thought is she’s still shagging him.

There shouldn’t be issues like this in a relationship. All this “it was only a few dates and I put my cock in her a few times but she pursued meee so I did it again and now I have to talk to her so she leaves my family alone” just sounds so ridiculous. He didn’t have to go to bed with her, he doesn’t find her unpleasant.

If he behaved himself you wouldn’t be on here at all. It’s his fault you feel vulnerable. He sounds a hard dog to keep on the porch.

NameChangex3 Fri 15-Mar-19 23:13:48

Nope, why would he string her along? How hard is it for him to say he's in a relationship with a baby on the way...

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