Why am I still not over my abusive marriage?

[OhioOhioOhio]

It ended almost 3 years ago and my life is still a mess. Mental cruelty. Coersive abuse.

I'm smart. Why have I not fixed myself by now?

[TheOrigFV45]

How long were you in the marriage for, and for how long was it abusive?

Is he still in your life at all now ie do you have children together?

In what way do you mean your life is a mess?

Have you had any professional help or support?

[oneforthepain]

It's not about how smart you are.

You suffered trauma at the hands of someone with whom you should have been safe.

One of the tough things with trauma is that it hard wires instinctive responses into our brains to try to keep us safe from things that hurt us in the past, so that even though we know and can tell ourselves things are different now it takes longer for our bodies to catch up with the new way of things. So our bodies keep reacting and feeling like the abuse is still happening.

And that can affect the whole rest of our daily lives.

What support have you had? Part of healing from abuse is beginning to feel safe and having trust in other people again - it's not a matter of just trying to fix yourself alone. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

Which parts of your life are a mess? Could you ignore most of the mess and start taking tiny steps with one part? Are there things we could help with in terms of ideas or problem solving or just solidarity?