I don’t like my neice.....(63 Posts)
I just don’t like her! I feel awful, but I don’t. She’s only 7 but she’s unkind and a bully to my DD the same age. She is an only child. She will be cruel to my DD. My DD will retaliate and she will run and tell her Mum my DD has been. This starts within 5 minutes of her getting to our house. She will find out what my DD would like for her birthday in 3 months time, then arrive at our house with item for herself having been bought it the next day. The first thing she says when we see her is “look what I’ve got” not even a hello! Am I being horrid? She’s a little girl?
It’s really interesting to read a thread where it’s acceptable to dislike a child. If it was a step parent saying this instead of an auntie the reaction would be so much different!
YANBU. I don't like my friend's DD 4. Though I acknowledge that her mother's parenting skills are probably where the problem lies. She's a spoilt stroppy little madam and last week when I told her that she couldn't have another biscuit (she'd had 3 already) she stomped her foot, spat at me and told me she hated me.
My Dnephew also has support at school, issues there with behaviour, not being able to cope with ‘not winning’ etc. Dsis has been helped by their ‘parenting base’. My dad lost it with Dnephew when my Dsis wasn’t stepping in. My Dsis got upset, reached out for help. I took her for dinner and extremely tactfully pointed stuff out. But I’m the younger Dsis and my Dsis wasn’t really up for hearing it. So it’s made zero difference. So I would be very cautious about trying to influence behaviour when ultimately the parents have the biggest influence and things are already entrenched.
YeahNah1980 It's really, really difficult to criticise someone's child, even in a "nice way", they will take umbrage at their precious child being slated, no matter how true it is. Of course you can be tactful and point out their good points as well, but still, criticism never goes down well.
In OP's position I would try to avoid seeing them as much as possible, and if SIL wants to know why, then maybe a few gentle hints - only as SIL has already cottoned on to her dc being bossy and unkind at school. But you do have to tread very carefully.
Try concentrating on the outcome you want - improved behaviour presumably - rather than worrying too much about liking/not liking her.
There are almost certainly things you can do to improve her behaviour while she's at yours at least.
It's in everyone''s best interests if your niece behaves in a kinder way and you probably can influence that at least while she is in your home.
You seem to me to be in a negative loop about this. "I'm so awful for thinking she's awful but she is awful but it isn't her fault but it's going to get worse." If you stop worrying about your feelings and use your energy on problem solving you might be able to improve things rapidly. If not, at least you tried something positive.
Sorry that probably sounds more critical than I mean to be. I know it's hard to keeep emotions out of these situations as we all have our baggage but really, it's worth the effort. Pretend you're Supernanny.
Get your DD to tell her she's getting a drum kit next
Sometimes she walks into my house and doesn’t even say hello and then leaves without saying goodbye.
In the past my sil has told me she is terrified that her DD will have no friends as she is so bossy and quite unkind at school. Because she is so lovely I couldn’t bring myself to say anything negative to her so didn’t really say very much. I should of said something then.
I’m over the top to try and hide how much I dislike everything she does/says. I do genuinely feel quite sorry for her. Her mother, my sil is a lovely woman but my bil is not and I feel sad when I think about the rules she has to live by. I always try and be super nice to compensate. My family do not like her very much either and no one else behaves like she does.
I agree with other posters, you need to stop reacting so positively to her when she shows off.
It sounds like she enjoys specifically targeting your daughter, could you teach your daughter a junior version of how to 'grey rock' herself?
Maybe if you knew that you were doing your best to modify your niece's behaviour then you wouldn't feel guilty. I work with people with challenging behaviour and there are all kinds of ways you can influence behaviour but you have to be flexible and use your head rather than just react emotionally.
I'd have a think about what the payoff is for her and see if you can give her what she wants in a way that encourages better behaviour.
"I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah"
As previous posters have noted, this positive reaction from you could be reinforcing the unwanted behaviour. You could try and catch her saying something nice and give her loads of positive attention for that instead.
More generally, try and put your feelings to one side long enough to study the situation. What triggers the negative behaviour? What does she get out of it? if it's attention from you then that's fairly straightforward to change.
I think "feeling awful" about it is stopping you looking at the situation as a problem that is probably solveable.
I absolutely hated my nephews when they were little. The last time we had them to stay were when they were 2 and 3yo. They were such awful brats that I said to Dh (his sisters kids) that is the last time.
It didnt matter a bit that it's their parents lack of parenting, what did that help us as we still have to put up with their behaviour. So we managed to avoid having them over to stay for about 8/9 years. Even dh other family couldnt deal with them as they were truly awful and badly behaved.
But now at 11 and 12 they are so sweet and pleasant. So there is hope as they grow up they may turn out better with other influences such as school.
Why don’t you talk to her mum or dad? You’re related so I don’t see the problem mentioning it in a nice way.
HopeClearwater Fri 15-Mar-19 16:46:18
HopeClearwater do you realise that sort of shitty behaviour actually puts people off of posting on Mumsnet, when they have a problem?
* She will find out what my DD would like for her birthday in 3 months time, then arrive at our house with item for herself having been bought it the next day.*
Tell her lies about what dd wants
It is fine not to like a child, and I would not be liking a child who was mean to my dc and rude. Her parents don't sound like they are doing anything about it, and are raising a spoilt and rude child.
I don’t like one of mine but I know it’s her parents rather than her personally
My parents had really close friends when we were kids. We saw them almost every week I hated the daughter and she didn't like me either and spending time in her company made me miserable. Does your dd enjoy her company? If not I would maybe ease off on visits for a while. Don't leave them alone together when you are visiting and if your nieces mum or dad won't discipline her then do it yourself.
Stop being so effusive when admiring niece's new toys. Why on earth do you think you have to do that? Just cool it right off.
"That's nice, dear. I presume you got the idea from DD the last time you were here" should be sufficient.
Why keep arranging playdates if your DD doesn't get on with her cousin? They don't have to have a relationship or even like each other just because they are related.
If a child was unpleasant to mine then I wouldn’t have them over. Relative or not they wouldn’t be alone with my child.
And a pony. Your child wants a pony for Christmas. And a trip to the moon for her birthday.
I agree with other posters about your reaction to her bringing the present your daughter wanted.
I'd just say 'oh dd wanted that for her birthday until she changed her mind'.
I don't like any of my nieces and nephews, they are either spoilt brats, or rude badly behaved brats! Luckily we live far enough away that we only have to see them a few times a year!
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