I don’t like my neice.....(63 Posts)
I just don’t like her! I feel awful, but I don’t. She’s only 7 but she’s unkind and a bully to my DD the same age. She is an only child. She will be cruel to my DD. My DD will retaliate and she will run and tell her Mum my DD has been. This starts within 5 minutes of her getting to our house. She will find out what my DD would like for her birthday in 3 months time, then arrive at our house with item for herself having been bought it the next day. The first thing she says when we see her is “look what I’ve got” not even a hello! Am I being horrid? She’s a little girl?
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Well, even 7 year olds can be unpleasant, but this is clearly learned (and excused) behaviour, especially the present thing.
The fact that she's an only child has no bearing on whether she's kind or not l. This kind of comment really annoys me. It's to do with her upbringing. YANBU to not like her, but you need to hide those feelings as she's a child. Next time she does the "look what I've got" just say "oh that's nice" and then change the subject.
I dislike my nephew but hopefully he has no idea (he’s 9). I think he’s rude and spoiled, but hopefully, even though he ignores me right now, he will grow up knowing that I’ll always be there for him whatever happens.
RabbityMcRabbit You are right! It doesn’t matter that she’s an only child, I thought someone would ask if I liked her sibling(s).
RabbityMcRabbit totally agree with you. As an only child myself (and with a DS who is an only child) this stereotyping gives me the rage. I would never behave like that and neither would my son because, you know, proper parenting.
does it really bother your daughter or just you? sometimes adults are more sensitive to this than other children. Mums can hold a grudge against childrens friends after their child has had a row with them and it goes on long after your child has forgotten all about it. ask your daughter if it bothers her and if it doesn't just forget about it. if it does then explain to her that not everyone, even family, can be nice all of the time and that she needs to be cautious around this girl. don't fall into the tit for tat trap though of saying stuff like "oh dd wanted that but now she hates it" etc. We cant all love all of our family equally.
How is she your Niece? Are you close enough to pull the Parents up, if it's your Partner's Sibling, can they?
How do her Parents react to her behaviour?
A lot of 7/8 year old children go through bratty behaviour, but it's up to the Parents to handle it.
GiveMeSteam I’m thankful I’m not alone. I hope she has no idea and will always think our home is her home!
Call her out on it every time.
Niece: "look what I've got"
You: "that's funny, that's just the toy that done DD said that she wanted for her birthday"
Niece: "dd did this, said that"
You: "I think I have just heard you say the same thing to dd, so why don't you both try to be nice to each other"
All said in a nice breezy no nonsense way will help set the record straight and let niece know you're onto her game. Hopefully she'll grow out of it.
My niece is spoilt and has never heard the word no in her life but my brother is very quick to tell my Dd off! I get where you are coming from! She even tells my mum to move out of a chair and she will do it! It is the parenting and not the child's fault though so I try to let a lot go over my head.
mummymeister my DD doesn’t really like her very much. She thinks she’s mean to her. When she arrives with things she knows my DD has asked for I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah
Is her mother competitive? Is she buying these things and allowing her dd to show off with them? She is learning this type of behavior from somewhere.
I have no advice, but My nephew is the same. He’s like the human version of Bing Bunny but my sister is no Flop. He’s pandered to, spoilt and the head of their household. I love him, but if he was a friend instead of their cousin I would never let them invite him over to play.
I'd keep them at a distance and not act so impressed.
Not your nieces fault. Its their parents fault. Is it your nice in law? I'm guessing it is.
It's much easier to get annoyed at your husbands sisters/brothers kids than your own siblings.
If it was my sisters children I would tell them not to be mean. This is trickier when it's the in laws children.
Remember though it's the parents fault and not the child's.
I would be extra kind to try and counteract the perceived meanness.
Just play it down when she's showing off her latest toy. Dont rave about it, a simple "oh lovely" & then move on. You wouldn't like any child that behaved like this towards your dd, seven year olds can be pretty mean sometimes but it's usually down to insecurities & a bit of jealousy. Most children just want time from parents, the fact she's showing off new stuff shows she's missing something from her own parents. Do you see a lot of her? Keep neutral, sounds like you're doing a good job for your own dd.
slow handclap for HopeClearwater.
I like lablablab's advice, OP. Your niece does sound a bit of a pain. As long as your daughter sees you presenting a united front with her then all should resolve itself when your niece realises there's no purchase to be gained from her behaviour.
Could you get together with your dd and next time she asks what she wants for her Birthday you come up with something Dd doesn’t want and when she arrives with it the next time Dd can comment that she has changed her mind on what she wanted because she has outgrown the toy.
And do it every time.
Might put a stop to that bit of lunacy
My step dgs is a very unlikeable child and its horrible to think like that about a child (he's 12 though so a bit older) but we can't help these primal feelings especially when another child's behaviour is hurting a loved one of yours. My Dsgs is horrible and lies about his half dsis who is my biogical DGD so that's why l struggle very much with him. I just avoid as much as poss, visit when he's at school or out on some activity or other.
just keep repeating the chant as you take a deep breath, she's only 7 she's not the worst, (well she hasn't set fire to your home, on purpose!!or smashed your toilet with her fathers new aftershave bottle she threw in it, as she didn't get a present for his birthday, or hidden your keys and purse on way to airport on family holiday when she wasn't allowed fill her brothers bag - all of which my niece did on her parents) she will learn, meanwhile teach you dd to answer if she's asked what she wants for next occasion, oh I don't want presents i'm giving to charity or getting a pony or something else ludicrous , leave her mum to deal with that.
When she arrives with things she knows my DD has asked for I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah
Why would you do this? Just say "That's nice dear" and then move on to something else. Don't reward bratty behaviour with praise and attention.
Oh - and get DD to say she hasn't decided what she wants yet for birthday or Christmas.
Personally I'd have as little to do with them as possible.
What Oliversmummy said about the gifts. Encourage DD to not tell her cousin what she wants. If she doesn't want to 'lie' and say something she doesn't want, just tell her to say "I don't know yet".
I suppose it's simply not possible to talk to the parents about this? In that case I'd be planning to meet out of the house and when DD 'isn't available' as much as possible.
I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah
Why do you do this? It just encourages her. There's a middle ground between that and 'that's stupid/shit/whatever' and that is "That's nice, dear" with no further comment.
so you don't like her. your DD doesn't like her. so make that obvious to your sister/in law. stop organising playdates or time together and if your sister/in law mentions it tell her why.
we don't have to like our family. we don't have to spend time with them if we don't like them.
I agree with the above re making up ludicrous presents or say giving to charity.
If she’s mean to your DD say “no, DN don’t be rude” or whatever. It can’t be allowed to stand for your DDs sake.
How often do you have to see her? I’d be cutting back on visits if she can’t learn to behave herself.
My cousins daughter is a obnoxious little brat. I don’t spend any time with them if I can help it.
Is her mum your sister or your sister-in-law?
If it is the former, you could have a word with your sister and say that you've noticed that the two kids aren't getting along at the moment so perhaps next time she comes to visit, it could just be her and you could have more of a grown up catch-up?
If it's your SIL, you could suggest the same or just perhaps suggest that you reduce the number of visits as they don't seem to be getting along so well at the moment (and don't mention the offer of a more grown up catch up).
Would that work do you think?
BlueMerchant No my sil isn’t but my bil is. When they were younger, if ha came to my house and my dd had a toy his dd was playing with, he would go online and buy it. EVERY TIME.
Your dd should stop telling her what she wants. I would make stuff up.
Understand exactly what you mean there's nothing wrong with it.
I've really fiercely disliked a couple of mine too but just keep how and when I have to be around them to a minimum and remember (or try to remember) it's not actually their fault they're little shits.
I don't like many people though and generally avoid them whether there's DNA or not.
It's not ice to dislike a 7 year old but it's natural when they're upsetting your child. I would try to remind yourself that her behaviour is a result of her parenting. Focus on helping your DD manage her cousin's behaviour. AT least it only happens at home when you're there to support her.
I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah
Why are you fuelling this with being over the top?
Just a oh lovely would do instead! Some kids love the attention.
Don’t leave them alone and don’t make your DD suffer this awful child
Oh am SO relieved to read this.
<confession time> I feel similar about my DNephew who is 8. Feel no warmth to him whatsoever (feel awful about that though, such a shame). He has never heard the word ‘no’ in his life. Rules life in his home and has probably only experienced 10mins of unstructured time in his life ever. He winds up my dc, has my Dsis stressing and bending to his every whim. My teen dc have always tolerated him with good grace, but I’ve had to strategically sit my dc apart from him at family meals to shield dd2 from his behaviour.
My Dsis is constantly coming up with opportunities for us all to get together it’s exhausting
Agee it’s all in the parenting. Dnephew is an only child of super-high functioning parents. Though it is not the cause I think a sibling in his life probably would have helped.
I don't like any of my nieces and nephews, they are either spoilt brats, or rude badly behaved brats! Luckily we live far enough away that we only have to see them a few times a year!
I agree with other posters about your reaction to her bringing the present your daughter wanted.
I'd just say 'oh dd wanted that for her birthday until she changed her mind'.
If a child was unpleasant to mine then I wouldn’t have them over. Relative or not they wouldn’t be alone with my child.
And a pony. Your child wants a pony for Christmas. And a trip to the moon for her birthday.
Stop being so effusive when admiring niece's new toys. Why on earth do you think you have to do that? Just cool it right off.
"That's nice, dear. I presume you got the idea from DD the last time you were here" should be sufficient.
Why keep arranging playdates if your DD doesn't get on with her cousin? They don't have to have a relationship or even like each other just because they are related.
My parents had really close friends when we were kids. We saw them almost every week I hated the daughter and she didn't like me either and spending time in her company made me miserable. Does your dd enjoy her company? If not I would maybe ease off on visits for a while. Don't leave them alone together when you are visiting and if your nieces mum or dad won't discipline her then do it yourself.
I don’t like one of mine but I know it’s her parents rather than her personally
It is fine not to like a child, and I would not be liking a child who was mean to my dc and rude. Her parents don't sound like they are doing anything about it, and are raising a spoilt and rude child.
* She will find out what my DD would like for her birthday in 3 months time, then arrive at our house with item for herself having been bought it the next day.*
Tell her lies about what dd wants
HopeClearwater Fri 15-Mar-19 16:46:18
HopeClearwater do you realise that sort of shitty behaviour actually puts people off of posting on Mumsnet, when they have a problem?
Why don’t you talk to her mum or dad? You’re related so I don’t see the problem mentioning it in a nice way.
I absolutely hated my nephews when they were little. The last time we had them to stay were when they were 2 and 3yo. They were such awful brats that I said to Dh (his sisters kids) that is the last time.
It didnt matter a bit that it's their parents lack of parenting, what did that help us as we still have to put up with their behaviour. So we managed to avoid having them over to stay for about 8/9 years. Even dh other family couldnt deal with them as they were truly awful and badly behaved.
But now at 11 and 12 they are so sweet and pleasant. So there is hope as they grow up they may turn out better with other influences such as school.
Maybe if you knew that you were doing your best to modify your niece's behaviour then you wouldn't feel guilty. I work with people with challenging behaviour and there are all kinds of ways you can influence behaviour but you have to be flexible and use your head rather than just react emotionally.
I'd have a think about what the payoff is for her and see if you can give her what she wants in a way that encourages better behaviour.
"I always do the whole WOW that’s amazing, you are so lucky blah blah blah"
As previous posters have noted, this positive reaction from you could be reinforcing the unwanted behaviour. You could try and catch her saying something nice and give her loads of positive attention for that instead.
More generally, try and put your feelings to one side long enough to study the situation. What triggers the negative behaviour? What does she get out of it? if it's attention from you then that's fairly straightforward to change.
I think "feeling awful" about it is stopping you looking at the situation as a problem that is probably solveable.
I agree with other posters, you need to stop reacting so positively to her when she shows off.
It sounds like she enjoys specifically targeting your daughter, could you teach your daughter a junior version of how to 'grey rock' herself?
I’m over the top to try and hide how much I dislike everything she does/says. I do genuinely feel quite sorry for her. Her mother, my sil is a lovely woman but my bil is not and I feel sad when I think about the rules she has to live by. I always try and be super nice to compensate. My family do not like her very much either and no one else behaves like she does.
In the past my sil has told me she is terrified that her DD will have no friends as she is so bossy and quite unkind at school. Because she is so lovely I couldn’t bring myself to say anything negative to her so didn’t really say very much. I should of said something then.
Sometimes she walks into my house and doesn’t even say hello and then leaves without saying goodbye.
Get your DD to tell her she's getting a drum kit next
Try concentrating on the outcome you want - improved behaviour presumably - rather than worrying too much about liking/not liking her.
There are almost certainly things you can do to improve her behaviour while she's at yours at least.
It's in everyone''s best interests if your niece behaves in a kinder way and you probably can influence that at least while she is in your home.
You seem to me to be in a negative loop about this. "I'm so awful for thinking she's awful but she is awful but it isn't her fault but it's going to get worse." If you stop worrying about your feelings and use your energy on problem solving you might be able to improve things rapidly. If not, at least you tried something positive.
Sorry that probably sounds more critical than I mean to be. I know it's hard to keeep emotions out of these situations as we all have our baggage but really, it's worth the effort. Pretend you're Supernanny.
YeahNah1980 It's really, really difficult to criticise someone's child, even in a "nice way", they will take umbrage at their precious child being slated, no matter how true it is. Of course you can be tactful and point out their good points as well, but still, criticism never goes down well.
In OP's position I would try to avoid seeing them as much as possible, and if SIL wants to know why, then maybe a few gentle hints - only as SIL has already cottoned on to her dc being bossy and unkind at school. But you do have to tread very carefully.
My Dnephew also has support at school, issues there with behaviour, not being able to cope with ‘not winning’ etc. Dsis has been helped by their ‘parenting base’. My dad lost it with Dnephew when my Dsis wasn’t stepping in. My Dsis got upset, reached out for help. I took her for dinner and extremely tactfully pointed stuff out. But I’m the younger Dsis and my Dsis wasn’t really up for hearing it. So it’s made zero difference. So I would be very cautious about trying to influence behaviour when ultimately the parents have the biggest influence and things are already entrenched.
YANBU. I don't like my friend's DD 4. Though I acknowledge that her mother's parenting skills are probably where the problem lies. She's a spoilt stroppy little madam and last week when I told her that she couldn't have another biscuit (she'd had 3 already) she stomped her foot, spat at me and told me she hated me.
It’s really interesting to read a thread where it’s acceptable to dislike a child. If it was a step parent saying this instead of an auntie the reaction would be so much different!
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