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To try and help - health related

(5 Posts)
Triedtohelp Fri 15-Mar-19 11:40:05

NC for this, not sure but feeling sad about this as was really trying to help and not discuss / chat about the person in question and feeling that they do not trust me.

A close relative in DH's family has cancer. I helped research the meds she was given to help her mum. Found they cause a rash and needed some cream etc, just to help as they were very stressed. They told me it was helpful.

Although the cancer was caught late and a particularly 'bad' one, in terms of prognosis they merged to get funded a new research treatment which was helping. there was also a new drug for when this one doesn't work anymore, lined up and funding agreed.

Now it has suddenly gone weird. there have been more tests / biopsy but no-one is allowed to know the result. Some family members have been told but they are not allowed to tell others as have been 'sworn to secrecy'.

I have asked but no-one will tell me what is going on. I have DCs who are close relatives also and have told them about the cancer as feel it is best to be open about such things. I feel we would be more prepared if we knew what was happening.

AIBU? I saw the other thread...about people discussing health...but don't gossip or anything like that.

hazell42 Fri 15-Mar-19 12:00:29

Not your call, unfortunately. You want to help. That's great. But when people are struggling that can sometimes seem intrusive.
Wait. If you are told nothing its because, for whatever reason, they dont want or need your help.
Respect that.
It's hard for them and for you. You all have my sympathies but please do be careful of not overstepping. No matter how much research you do, you may not be able to fix this and sometimes people make an active choice not to know.
Which you must respect.

Triedtohelp Fri 15-Mar-19 12:02:50

I know. This isn't about me, it is about them and need to get past feeling upset about this as they are obviously going through it more and need to deal with it in their own way.

hazell42 Fri 15-Mar-19 12:17:43

Well it is about you too, but the needs of the dying person and their immediate family have to come first.
It's great that you want to help. Just let them know you are thinking of them and that you are ready to help in any way.
But don't offer any more information until you are asked.
Slightly different but I remember my father upsetting someone in our family when their loved one was in a dangerous situation. He kept updating her with news when she was trying very hard not to think about it

They both meant well and they were both hurting, but at that moment her needs had priority and my lovely dad had to suck it up

Triedtohelp Fri 15-Mar-19 12:32:57

Yes if course. I do understand. It was more how they had told some and not others about the new scan etc. Which makes it hard for family as they can't tell me etc.

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