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-got a dream job lost my life, asking for help to resolve things

(36 Posts)
bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 09:52:23

2 years ago I turned 40 and got into a bit of a mid life crisis. I was in a rut with my job after returning from maternity leave. Dp and I were not getting on the best. I started looking around for new jobs and got offered my dream job 70 miles away. I dithered and decided to take it in the end. However in getting what I felt was my dream job I lost my life. I had to leave a community I adored, had to leave my dream house, I left Dp (which was the only goid thing as he was so difficult to live with), myself and the kids lost all our friendships and the oldest lost his dream school. I've just seen something online about something they did with his old class and it has triggered us both. Both my son and I have been in tears and felt terrible. I sorely regret him leaving the school and feel he has really missed out. We're in a tiny rented place so I had to leave my pets with dp. The jobs now available in the old community are now very limited so I feel we've totally burned all my bridges. I feel low and want to go 'home'. This feeling has not gone away and is unlikely to change... But I feel trapped in my new life... Whilst my new job offers lots of opportunities its also full of donkey work too, and consumes all my time and energy. I'm so sad right now. What do I do?

AzureApps Fri 15-Mar-19 12:09:42

Can you consider changing roles where you can work from home? Then see if you can move back?

Myyearmytime Fri 15-Mar-19 12:09:53

You cant change out the clocks back friendships will have moved on . School are only as good as the teachers headmaster and children in them .
Try and settle where you are .go out explore make friends
You say do so no divorce?
So can you think about buying somewhere and then get your pets back .

AzureApps Fri 15-Mar-19 12:10:11

See if old school will consider places?

SnapesGreasyHair Fri 15-Mar-19 12:17:50

I have also heard "...the grass is greener which ever side you water it..." which really resonated with me when XH left for OW and he told me he'd been miserable for years. Basically if he'd put effort into my side and not hers maybe it would have worked out.

Maybe that's the same for you OP. Stop thinking about the past and focus on where you currently are.

Singlenotsingle Fri 15-Mar-19 12:38:37

Well, if you're in rented it won't be too difficult to move back to another rented place, will it? Just go home. There's no shame in admitting you got it wrong, and made a mistake. DS would be so pleased. It's a shame about the job, but sometimes we can't have it all.

bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 13:05:22

Thank you for all these responses they mean so much to me. I appreciate other peoples stories too. It seems regrets are part of the human experience!

There seem to be 2 camps, the stay where you are and brave it out camp or the go back 'home' camp. I can totally see both sides. That's how my mind vacillates right now.

As a pp said it is a more vibrant economy but its a small (admittedly with loads of parks and green) city, whereas home / previously was a village where everyone knew your name. I know things will have changed and people may even shun me for leaving and coming back.

I like the idea of a holiday though, and perhaps counselling and looking for working at home jobs (I'm an introvert sometimes so this would suit). As a pp noted I am now doing the hard slog of parenting and running a dept at work with zero help! It means I hardly ever go out or have time for personal development or exercise. That somehow has to change regardless as I'm rapidly burning out. Ex-dp is dad but has been a shit financial contributer though when I was back there at least he was doing the bedtime routine and some parenting so I could at least get to a zumba class (when he wasn't buggering off doing his own shit)...

Anyway thanks for the support I feel a little lighter already x

Singlenotsingle Fri 15-Mar-19 23:37:18

So did you come to any decisions, OP?

bordellosboheme Sat 16-Mar-19 09:46:09

Still paralysed with indecision...

UniversalAunt Sat 16-Mar-19 10:15:57

You don’t need to make major decisions now.
Particularly when you have had scant time to reflect.
No leaping into the unknown required.

Make a few tweaks to your routine.
Carve out some slivers of time to yourself.
Let change settle in.

It does sound like you need to carve some changes at work.
Are you over-performing?
Are you getting feedback about how you have settled into your new role?
You’ve done really well to make the move & step up. After a couple of years in post, it can be a good time to start looking for your next role nearby that reflects your experience & seniority without the punishing workload so that you have time for your family & yourself.

As you will be settled in an area with good employment opportunities, you can climb back on to the turbo hamster wheel when both you & DC have a more established home life.

Seek work life balance - it doesn’t always arrive neatly packaged. Sometimes things will seem very wonky, it takes time & compromises to achieve the balance you need. What works for you or circumstances will change & you will need to adjust accordingly. Think of it as balancing on a wobble board rather than a see-saw. It’s a life skill well worth acquiring.

But more than anything, have a holiday/special days out & some fun.
Book now for something to look forward to.

Belenus Sat 16-Mar-19 11:27:14

Try just making the decision. It doesn't matter which way. Say to yourself "I'm going to stay". Then see how you feel about that.

Then say "I'm going to move back" and see how that makes you feel. Bear in mind that the reality of those decisions might not reflect what you think and hope will happen, but it's a good way to test how you feel.

And to a degree you can let fate play a role. Look out for other jobs and see where they are. And remember, this too shall pass.

bordellosboheme Sat 16-Mar-19 11:45:51

Thanks so much sage advice here...

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