Talk

Advanced search

-got a dream job lost my life, asking for help to resolve things

(36 Posts)
bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 09:52:23

2 years ago I turned 40 and got into a bit of a mid life crisis. I was in a rut with my job after returning from maternity leave. Dp and I were not getting on the best. I started looking around for new jobs and got offered my dream job 70 miles away. I dithered and decided to take it in the end. However in getting what I felt was my dream job I lost my life. I had to leave a community I adored, had to leave my dream house, I left Dp (which was the only goid thing as he was so difficult to live with), myself and the kids lost all our friendships and the oldest lost his dream school. I've just seen something online about something they did with his old class and it has triggered us both. Both my son and I have been in tears and felt terrible. I sorely regret him leaving the school and feel he has really missed out. We're in a tiny rented place so I had to leave my pets with dp. The jobs now available in the old community are now very limited so I feel we've totally burned all my bridges. I feel low and want to go 'home'. This feeling has not gone away and is unlikely to change... But I feel trapped in my new life... Whilst my new job offers lots of opportunities its also full of donkey work too, and consumes all my time and energy. I'm so sad right now. What do I do?

Allthecolours Fri 15-Mar-19 10:06:45

This is a difficult one. I feel that I am still on the other side of this needing a big house and job change.

Do you still see your old friends? Could you make more of an effort to get involved in the community? Do you want to get more involved in the community you are now in? Could you help your child integrate more with more play dates? Which part is the biggest problem?

I often think there is one main driver to feeling disconnected which has a knock on effect on the other areas of your life.

If you are still pining after your old life then your children will too.

Maybe you have just come to a point where you need another challenge.

I would start with addressing the biggest driver of the problem that is possible for you to fix and take it from there.

ILoveBray Fri 15-Mar-19 10:08:20

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

You left for a reason, remember that. And the grass is always greener.

Instead of focusing on what might have been had you stayed, look to the future and make this work for you and your children.

It might seem tough right now. But hopefully in a few years you'll look back and be glad you did it.

I was in a similar situation to you. 3 years later I realise how right the decision was, it just didn't seem it at the time.

bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 10:10:37

Thanks All the overs.... Be careful of giving up what you have for something new... I think we often forget what we we lose in the transition..

Whatsername7 Fri 15-Mar-19 10:10:40

Look for a new job, closer to where you used to live. Move back, start afresh and celebrate the fact you tried. You have no regrets now - you followed the dream, you gave it a good shot, and it turned out not to be what you hoped. BUT, you are brave enough to admit that and try something new. You only get one life, your kids are only kids for a short time. Dont waste is flogging a dead horse. Dont beat yourself up either.

bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 10:12:27

Ilovebray. What changed your perception of the new place?

bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 10:13:47

Whatsername thank you I am looking for jobs back there but they're extremely limited and not in my skill set at all

ILoveBray Fri 15-Mar-19 10:23:55

bordellosboheme

I embraced my new life.

I remembered the reasons I left in the first place, and put all my efforts into making my decision to move work for us.

In time I realised I was looking at my old life with rose tinted spectacles and only seeing the good things.

ILoveBray Fri 15-Mar-19 10:25:57

Also, how would you feel if you hadn't moved?

Probably sitting there wishing you had. It's so easy to look at a situation and see the negatives, rather than what is good about it.

AnneOfCleanTables Fri 15-Mar-19 10:29:09

It sounds as though you lived with your DP, so moving out on your own with sole responsibility for earning and caring for your DCs is obviously going to make this life feel like more of a slog.
You made a lot of massive changes. It's only natural you'll all feel disconnected. I think when we move and when we end a relationship, we need a mourning period for what was lost. But it's important not to romanticise that life. You can't turn the clock back.
If I were you, I'd be reluctant to uproot everyone again. As a PP said, you need to consider how you can interact and create a worthwhile life where you are.
If it's impossible to create the life you want, then cast your net wider. You don't need to go back. There could be a new place that meets your needs better.

Allthecolours Fri 15-Mar-19 10:29:49

Have you tried counselling? Sometimes no matter how much we try to change the external environment it is more to do with issues of acceptance and belonging inside of us. Just a thought.

It could save a lot of upheaval and help you figure out where your head is at. I think you can self refer online.

jjandtheseagulls Fri 15-Mar-19 10:30:03

Ilovebray the grass ISN'T always greener is the saying!

I don't know what you should do OP but if you are only there for the job (that turned out different to what you'd expected) then I'd bite the bullet quickly and go back home before your son misses any more.

Is it impossible to commute in the meantime until you find another job?

MojoMoon Fri 15-Mar-19 10:33:38

It sounds like you moved somewhere with a more vibrant economy and choice of jobs in which case you will have done your kids a long term benefit - they will have jobs and opportunities on their doorstep at 16/18, probably a much bigger choice of further or higher education opportunities, social life etc.
I am guessing your son is still quite young - primary school? He wouldn't have stayed in jsi dream school forever and could have had a bad teacher or fallen out with friends etc - you will never know but it is easy to idealise it and think it was perfect.
70 miles is not that far - you can visit and see friends etc at the weekend? But have you started making or trying to make a social circle in your new home? It will take time of course but you can do it.

ILoveBray Fri 15-Mar-19 10:38:53

jjandtheseagulls

OK thank you for the correction. I'm not sure it matters anyhow. My point still stands. The OP thinks things are better back where she was, and is overlooking the reasons why she decided to move in the first place.

TheMuminator2 Fri 15-Mar-19 10:40:47

COuld be you're in a temporary rut fed up doing this 'donkey work? Maybe a weekend visit to your old community to catch up maybe there are some local projects that need your skill set and you can stay in touch using those? maybe volunterring?
I would be weighing up what makes me happy...the house or the job?

Could you start your own business in your old community? then you could have it all....? There is a saying 'women can have it all but not at once'........just at different stages of life we can have it all smile

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking Fri 15-Mar-19 10:49:30

The phrase is 'the grass is always greener on the other side'. 'The grass isn't always greener' is a response.

Anyway, Op how old are your children ? You mention your eldest being upset. Have the younger ones settled ? Friendships take a while to nurture, do you have any fledgling friendships ?

greenberet Fri 15-Mar-19 10:58:55

I’m with whatshername7 - you tried it didn’t work out - so many people never have the courage to try in the first place - just stick with comfortable even though they are not happy - or think if they change everything outside -inside becomes ok - maybe do some work on yourself - what are your priorities - is it family first or dream job - maybe this move has helped focus on what matters most to you and maybe it’s not what you thought - personally kids happiness matters most to me - everything else is second to this - good luck x

bigKiteFlying Fri 15-Mar-19 11:16:49

I never think looking back really helps - if you did go back it's unlikely to be the same anyway.

First place with DC was a slow warm up but few years were there were great for all of us and it was a real wrench to leave - next place not so much. Work took us there and we made sure we took advantage of all the local things we could then eventually moved on somewhere else again.

I'd have a good think about what you can do to improve things and perhaps think where else you could move on to as well - though once you throw schools in it's harder.

Belenus Fri 15-Mar-19 11:25:22

Ilovebray the grass ISN'T always greener is the saying!

No. The phrase is "the grass is always greener on the other side". As in whichever side you stand, it looks greener over there. So you switch sides, and lo, it looks greener back where you came from.

OP I once turned down my dream job to stay where I was, with the partner I was with. I came to bitterly, bitterly regret that decision. Everything went wrong for me. Of course, it may not have been right had I moved either. I've spent years coming to terms with that decision and the effect it had on my life.

I think give yourself a chance to build up a life where you are. Look forwards. Find the connections you had in the old place. Can you take up a sociable hobby that will help you meet people? Take small steps, since you're busy and tired, and see if things change gradually. Had you stayed, you might well be fed up, so make the best of where you're at.

CarpetDiem Fri 15-Mar-19 11:25:24

Go back, not to your ex, it was probably getting away from him that helped make your decision to leave your town in the first place. You tried it & it's not working out, no point in staying there being miserable just to save face.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Fri 15-Mar-19 11:26:46

Sorry you feel like this OP. If you can, try and answer these questions for me?

1. What is/was dream about the job?
2. What are the aspects (bar ds school, house) you miss about the place you lived before?

If you can answer these it will help to remind you what's positive, which can be difficult when you feel low and help you to look for similar in the new place.

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 15-Mar-19 11:43:45

Saying things are "dream" (dream job, dream house, dream school, adored community) can make problems in itself. Most things in life are a mixed bag - some good, some bad. All jobs involve donkey work as well as exciting stimulating work. But it sounds as if this job is still more interesting and challenging than your old one? And all changes mean some loss as well as gain. You have made a huge change and it's OK to feel sad about the things you have lost, as well as pleased about the things you have gained. But that doesn't mean you made a mistake, and it doesn't mean you can go back. Sure you could return "home" but it wouldn't be the same home you left. Your DS couldn't go back - he has changed, his old friends will have changed and moved on.

You and your DS need to focus on building up your life from now on - doing things you enjoy, meeting new people. A house is only a shell to live in. Maybe you could adjust your "dream job" so as to have spare energy for building up social contacts and community? Or deliberately put some energy each week over the next few months into social contacts on top of your job. A club, a church, a campaign, a drink with your new colleagues, whatever will help you feel more part of a community.

Be careful of giving up what you have for something new... I think we often forget what we we lose in the transition.

But that doesn't mean it was a mistake to make changes. It would be wrong to stagnate in a rut for fear of giving things up, and it sounds as if moving has done at least some good if it brought you a good job and ended a bad relationship. Feeling sad at times is natural! It doesn't sound at all as if you made a mistake.

I think you'll feel a lot better once you have some positive steps in mind, even if they're only very small steps.

notangelinajolie Fri 15-Mar-19 11:53:01

It is ok to go back. You have tried and it has not worked out - don't feel bad and don't regret your choices. We all make mistakes and sometimes we have to experience something before we realise that what we thought was important to us really isn't important at all.

At least you know what you want now. Making the move you did was a brave thing to do and it shows you have guts - don't feel negative about it. You did the right thing at the time but now it is time to make plans and go back home. Life is too short to dwell on stuff like this. Do it op and be happy. Start with a phone call to school. flowers to you and your son.

Pinkbells Fri 15-Mar-19 12:04:45

Can you get an even better dream job near to where you were, so the children can get back into their old school? It sounds like you are happy with part of your plan, the rest is fixable if not difficult.

UniversalAunt Fri 15-Mar-19 12:07:01

Two years of adjusting to major life changes - some really good - & lots of hard work... I’d be feeling tired, jaded & a bit low.

We all know how reliable social media is as a source of insight & truth.
So what if a great story (for this is what it is) happened in a place where you no longer are, lots of shit stuff happened there too. Also, do not encourage your children to regard social media as real & remember that comparison is the thief of joy (sic).

Give your self a break as best you can. Have you had a holiday, something to look forward to ?

You made brave decisions to move forward on with your life. Well done.
Of course, at times you will have self doubt, this is normal & understandable. But do not make a catastrophe of this.

If you can, get involved in your new community, maybe a bit of volunteering through your workplace or your child’s school to help you connect locally.

Invite old friends to stay for the weekend or go away to stay somewhere nice nearby. Short breaks to reconnect & keep in touch.

Yes, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but the grass still needs cutting & cats poo there all the same.

AzureApps Fri 15-Mar-19 12:09:42

Can you consider changing roles where you can work from home? Then see if you can move back?
www.glassdoor.co.uk/blog/companies-work-from-home-flexibility/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=022619_wfh_uk&utm_campaign=feb19_uk

Myyearmytime Fri 15-Mar-19 12:09:53

You cant change out the clocks back friendships will have moved on . School are only as good as the teachers headmaster and children in them .
Try and settle where you are .go out explore make friends
You say do so no divorce?
So can you think about buying somewhere and then get your pets back .

AzureApps Fri 15-Mar-19 12:10:11

See if old school will consider places?

SnapesGreasyHair Fri 15-Mar-19 12:17:50

I have also heard "...the grass is greener which ever side you water it..." which really resonated with me when XH left for OW and he told me he'd been miserable for years. Basically if he'd put effort into my side and not hers maybe it would have worked out.

Maybe that's the same for you OP. Stop thinking about the past and focus on where you currently are.

Singlenotsingle Fri 15-Mar-19 12:38:37

Well, if you're in rented it won't be too difficult to move back to another rented place, will it? Just go home. There's no shame in admitting you got it wrong, and made a mistake. DS would be so pleased. It's a shame about the job, but sometimes we can't have it all.

bordellosboheme Fri 15-Mar-19 13:05:22

Thank you for all these responses they mean so much to me. I appreciate other peoples stories too. It seems regrets are part of the human experience!

There seem to be 2 camps, the stay where you are and brave it out camp or the go back 'home' camp. I can totally see both sides. That's how my mind vacillates right now.

As a pp said it is a more vibrant economy but its a small (admittedly with loads of parks and green) city, whereas home / previously was a village where everyone knew your name. I know things will have changed and people may even shun me for leaving and coming back.

I like the idea of a holiday though, and perhaps counselling and looking for working at home jobs (I'm an introvert sometimes so this would suit). As a pp noted I am now doing the hard slog of parenting and running a dept at work with zero help! It means I hardly ever go out or have time for personal development or exercise. That somehow has to change regardless as I'm rapidly burning out. Ex-dp is dad but has been a shit financial contributer though when I was back there at least he was doing the bedtime routine and some parenting so I could at least get to a zumba class (when he wasn't buggering off doing his own shit)...

Anyway thanks for the support I feel a little lighter already x

Singlenotsingle Fri 15-Mar-19 23:37:18

So did you come to any decisions, OP?

bordellosboheme Sat 16-Mar-19 09:46:09

Still paralysed with indecision...

UniversalAunt Sat 16-Mar-19 10:15:57

You don’t need to make major decisions now.
Particularly when you have had scant time to reflect.
No leaping into the unknown required.

Make a few tweaks to your routine.
Carve out some slivers of time to yourself.
Let change settle in.

It does sound like you need to carve some changes at work.
Are you over-performing?
Are you getting feedback about how you have settled into your new role?
You’ve done really well to make the move & step up. After a couple of years in post, it can be a good time to start looking for your next role nearby that reflects your experience & seniority without the punishing workload so that you have time for your family & yourself.

As you will be settled in an area with good employment opportunities, you can climb back on to the turbo hamster wheel when both you & DC have a more established home life.

Seek work life balance - it doesn’t always arrive neatly packaged. Sometimes things will seem very wonky, it takes time & compromises to achieve the balance you need. What works for you or circumstances will change & you will need to adjust accordingly. Think of it as balancing on a wobble board rather than a see-saw. It’s a life skill well worth acquiring.

But more than anything, have a holiday/special days out & some fun.
Book now for something to look forward to.

Belenus Sat 16-Mar-19 11:27:14

Try just making the decision. It doesn't matter which way. Say to yourself "I'm going to stay". Then see how you feel about that.

Then say "I'm going to move back" and see how that makes you feel. Bear in mind that the reality of those decisions might not reflect what you think and hope will happen, but it's a good way to test how you feel.

And to a degree you can let fate play a role. Look out for other jobs and see where they are. And remember, this too shall pass.

bordellosboheme Sat 16-Mar-19 11:45:51

Thanks so much sage advice here...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »