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Friend always says no when I organise a catch up

(14 Posts)
Pashola Fri 15-Mar-19 05:55:16

AIBU to be annoyed in this situation?
I don't have a lot of friends, mainly 'mum' friends I've made through my kids school but I have one of my best friends since primary school who I wouldn't actually say we are really close like you would assume best friends to be but we do like to go out together and have a drink, dance etc, the thing is whenever I suggest plans (drinks, dinner, movies etc) she nearly always says no or comes up with a reason why she can't 99% of the time. She also likes to make plans and I make sure I'm available as I like to see her and hang out.
She talks about how people need to make an effort and be more flexible but I just find that when I try to make the effort she doesn't seem at all interested.

TipseyTorvey Fri 15-Mar-19 06:07:31

Without more examples it's hard to be sure but from what you've written I suspect she's just not that keen on hanging out with you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be but it's happened to me. I'd suggest you don't make any suggestions to her for a while and if she doesn't bother either then you'll know. It's not worth forcing friendships and just because you've known each other for a long time doesn't mean you have to stay friends forever.

pictish Fri 15-Mar-19 06:36:35

What Tipsey said. I agree.

I have a ‘friend’ who I turn down a lot. What can I say? She’s just not in my top ten and time is scarce. She thinks more of the friendship than I do and while that makes me feel a little guilty, I know I don’t have to pursue the friendship at her level just because that’s what she wants.
Once in a blue moon is enough for me.

PurpleDaisies Fri 15-Mar-19 06:38:14

Maybe she genuinely is busy?

Surfskatefamily Fri 15-Mar-19 06:44:26

I had to do this with a friend who had actually become really annoying. Eventually i just told her i dont want to and she should forget me.
It sounds harsh but maybe you can spend this effort on making new friendships

RussellSprout Fri 15-Mar-19 06:50:47

I have a friend who I've drifted apart from recently. I feel like she doesn't want to make any effort, subsequently neither do I. I've not fallen out with her, just letting things drift. Happens sometimes.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 15-Mar-19 06:54:09

Money. I always have to say no to "catch ups" because they're always "going out for dinner" or to see a show.

Never want to do anything free my friends.

OwlBeThere Fri 15-Mar-19 06:54:27

Maybe she’s a bit controlling and needs things on her terms. Maybe she is genuinely busy. But if I was you I’d just stop suggesting things and see what happens.

MaybeitsMaybelline Fri 15-Mar-19 07:23:11

I know DD does this but the reality is she is a HCP working long and irregular shifts and seems permanently exhausted. She lives 15 miles from her old school friends who still live in our home town and work part time. They all graduated in the last 12 months.

DD will accept an invitation occasionally but turns most down as they are either impractical or she is just too tired on her visits “home” to be bothered seeing some of them.

She will however try to organise a meet up if she has a long stretch of days off and invite everyone.

It sounds mean but she is far closer these days to her work and uni friends who live near her in the city she works.

Maybe your friend just has different priorities or perspective.

Skittlesandbeer Fri 15-Mar-19 07:27:35

I think the main thing here is: if she’s your friend, she won’t mind you saying ‘Hey Jessica, I’m noticing you’ve been hard to organise a catch-up with over the last weeks/months? Are you Ok? Is there something we need to talk about? I value your friendship, and I’m wondering if I’m missing something or not getting the hint maybe.’

Friendships won’t last through the big changes in life if no one's willing to probe a bit in case it’s ‘too awkward’.

If her answer is a bit vague, or she makes excuses (rather than suggesting a concrete catchup plan of her own) then just say ‘Ok hun, ball’s in your court. Looking forward to seeing you when you’re free.’

A couple of months should confirm whether she’s ghosting you or not.

EvaHarknessRose Fri 15-Mar-19 07:31:11

No, I think she likes you, she just wants things on her terms. She is projecting about other people not realising its just because they want a say in arrangements!

Oblomov19 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:39:05

I think you need to let this friendship go. She either needs to be in control, or you're not as Important to her as she is to you, or she is very short of cash or whatever the reason, and then probably is a reason, it's not working out, so I think you have to let it go.

MRex Fri 15-Mar-19 07:39:12

She wouldn't invite you to something else if she didn't want to see you.

Do you live far apart? One friend of mine is very sweetly and quietly controlling about exactly what works for her... however we live far apart, so it always means long and inconvenient journeys for me. Since late pregnancy I've just said no and skipped the meet-ups when it's ridiculously inconvenient. I've suggested somewhere easier for me and accessible for her instead at other times, which she's tried to move (11am becomes 3pm, location A is moved to location B), so I just say no again. Eventually she's learning and I get to have some input in where and when we meet. Anyway, could you be the sweet and quiet one setting up plans that just don't work for her?

Pashola Fri 15-Mar-19 07:59:03

Thanks for the different perspectives, I do think she likes me and values our friendship as we msg each other most days just to stay in touch and she invites me to do things with her (she obv does things with her other friends as well) and we live around the corner from each other, so I'm thinking she maybe just likes to have a bit more control, I can be pretty passive so I might just wait and see when she instigates something next 🙂

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