Parents own choice(101 Posts)
Me and my friend got into a bit of a disagreement the other day.. she doesn’t allow her son and treats i.e chocolate sweet juice. So the other day when she came to mine my son was eating a milky bar and he went to share with her LO and she pulled him away so I said what’s the harm in him having a small bite and she went off on one it’s bad for his teeth and not to mention it will effect his weight I was in utter shock as my friend will sit and binge on such food on a night so when I pointed this out she said I need it for when I am on (TMI) I told her that when I last visited the dentist with my boys I asked on the harm a small amount of chocolate or sweets would do and he said in small amounts it’s fine and I told her he said babies/toddlers having dummies can be worse on teeth yet she allows him to sit with a dummy in all day.. I get every parent is different we all do things to suit us but I just don’t agree that it’s fine for her to eat the good stuff and not her LO
How old is her DC? Maybe she wants to stop him eating it to try and avoid him getting a liking for it, especially if she has cravings for sweet foods.
And she’s got a point about sweet things being bad for health.
It's not for you to agree or disagree. Your parenting isn't better or worse than hers. You are not more right ir wrong than she is.
It’s her kid, she decides. Personally, I don’t think it’s smart labelling unhealthy food as treats but each to their own.
I have a terrible sweet tooth and trying to cut down, fortunately DD doesn’t because she doesn’t have sweet treats at home.
Other parents have different views and approaches. Unless they're doing something obviously dangerous you just smile and nod.
I have friends who are really strict with their children's diet- i always check if it's ok for them to have some of what my child is having or make sure they're just having fruit etc if they are at my house.
It’s her child, so she gets to decide and it isn’t okay for you to question her decisions.
Sugar is addictive so it's not unreasonable to want him to be kept away from it.
If she binges on sweet food herself I can totally understand why she doesn't want her boy to develop a taste for it.
My DD hated any sort of chocolate or cakes until she started going to parties with the inevitable birthday cake. She refused any at first until she was made to feel by other parents that of course she should have a piece of the cake. She got the taste of it after a few parties and end up loving chocolate and the rest.
Not that I had an issue with it but I can understand not wanting to give kids a flavour of it to avoid dealing with temptation for as long as possible. Its her choice as a parent to do so and not for you to argue.
Sweets aren't actually "the good stuff" - much as we might enjoy them! Lots of parents try to keep their DCs off chocolate and sugary stuff as long as possible.
Sugar negatively impacts the immune system, which is under developed in younger children. Just one reason why a parent might not want their child to consume excess sugar. As PP, just because an adult has an unhealthy evening habit why on earth does that make it something that their child should join in with?
This reminds me of someone who allows their teenager to smoke because they do. If it's unhealthy then it's unhealthy, particularly when it's addictive and affects children more.
Maybe you should ask her why before telling her what to do and trying to overstep the mark. Maybe you could learn something to apply to your own parenting?
It's not really anything to do with you. I'm a binge eater with a weight problem but I believe in "everything in moderation" for my DC rather than making things forbidden fruit. You're parenting your way, and she her way. There will be MANY things you disagree on.
I think you said it yourself in your title. It’s the choice of the parent. Her choice has nothing to do with you, does it?
You do you, let her do her. We've all rolled our eyes over some rule another mother has when we think it's daft. Most of us heaps of times if we're honest.
But golden rule is you say Nothing. Zip it.
She's probably on this site somewhere with a post about mothers giving their kids chocolate. She would have no more right to be doing that - for all she knows the kid cleared a platter of vegies before she got the milky bar.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
If something is abusive, you act. No question.
Anything else is nobody's business. Just each mother doing her best (and probably worrying about whether she's getting it right)!
Denying food causes more psychological problems than allowing a few sweets but educating on the negatives imo
But saying that it's her child and she may have choice views about aspects of your parenting so I think the rules of keep out of it stand I'm afraid
Look don't take it personally, most people are kind of winging and hoping, they are passing on good food relationships for their children's future.
I remember when I was at school,I must have been about 14 years old-there was a girl in another class, who get talking to me at 'break' time. Anyway it transpired her mother was super strict about all sugar related foods, she was 14 and have never tried a doughnut! I am not ashamed to admit, that i promptly purchased her one!!!
In front of her child you said “what’s the harm in him having a little bit?”
That was shitty of you
You're in utter shook because another parent has a different view to you?
You must lead a very sheltered life.
"In front of her child you said “what’s the harm in him having a little bit?”
"That was shitty of you""
Restricting sweets is a perfectly ordinary parenting choice.
Undermining someone's parenting in front of their child is just plain wrong
I always find it surprising how people who are close friends (so probably have similar backgrounds/views) can have very different parenting approaches. Neither of you are wrong, just different.
If your DC is little (3 or under) then I agree with your friend that he doesn’t need a milky bar.
I once took my friend’s DC (age 10) to McDonalds when she was spending the day with us. I only found out later that she had never been before!!
It’s her choice. I don’t give my daughter sweets or chocolate or let her see me eating them (she’s two). I realise I can’t hide them from her forever but the longer I can keep her away from them the better.
I also think it isn’t good to consider unhealthy foods as treats. Food is just food. You eat some things in moderation.
Your friend can eat whatever junk food she likes but I hope she’s not eating it in front of her kids and then telling them that they can’t have it.
My best friend is like this with juice her DC cant have any, they stayed with us a few days and he picked up the wrong sippy cup took a swig and she went into panic mode brushing his teeth
Her kid her rules unfortunately you dont have to agree with them
If she could see what my Dd2 eats after her mouth/palet operations shed have a heart attack all sweet puddings and squash anything to get her to eat
You know you are being unreasonable...nobody can be this obtuse!
"In front of her child you said “what’s the harm in him having a little bit?”
That was shitty of you"
This! Your friend is parenting her child how she likes, mind your own business and stop being a shitty friend.
It's fine to disagree on parenting, but unless a child is in harm it's not ok to voice that disagreement. How do you think your friend feels having her parenting choices questioned like that? How would you feel if she questioned yours? You should've kept your mouth shut.
On the actual subject I do agree it's extreme. I was raised in a house with zero limits on chocolate and I've had a lifelong obesity issue. I've seen friends whose parents massively restricted and they ended up binging on.the stuff in adulthood. I think the answer is a happy medium. We call junk food a "sometimes" food in our house and our DS knows we go to shop to buy it sometimes, it doesn't sit in the house.
1. It’s not your business
2. It’s rude as fuck of you to challenge her (let alone comment)
3. Even worse in front of her child
4. You are not her friend - speaking to her like that then bitching on here?
5. The only people who think it’s “TMI” to mention menstruation are giggly children - grow up
Leave her alone - she has better friends than you.
Also, it sounds like her son is still young enough not to have started grumbling for sweets when he sees them.
My children have had chocolate from a young age, but I avoided it too when they had no idea what it was. Yes, a small amount won’t harm them - but if they don’t know what it is and don’t ask for it - why introduce it? It’s far better to “bank” the early years of just not introducing it with no effort and argument at all, than start the sweet tooth off in a pointless way. What is one bite to you, could be the start of the end of the easy phase of not having to moderate it.
But that aside - it’s still not your business, she’s done nothing wrong, and you’re not a friend if you bitch on here about her!
Absolutely none of your business!
Sugar we are only just starting to understand how addictive and harmful it is.
There may also be familial health issues she is guarding against of which you may be unaware.
I also note you very carefully didn't mention the age of the child. There's evidence that not giving children refined sugar in the first 1-2 years reduces the risk of developing diabetes in later life. Why this is the case is debated.
I had gestational diabetes when pregnant with dd as have all the women in my family and I was advised by Drs to not give dd refined sugar in her first year for precisely that reason. So we didn't.
That was our choice as parents and nobody else's business.
I don’t necessarily agree with her way of doing it but she’s trying to teach her son good habits with sweets and chocolate possibly because no one did with her based on her binging , I imagine you’re doing the same just differently. It’s not your place to question her parenting.
The argument of her letting her son do it because she binges doesn’t really make sense. I do lots of things that I hope not to pass on to my DC.
It’s non of your business and you shouldn’t have challenged her, I imagine you felt she was implying you were a bad parent by letting your own son eat those foods.
HOWEVER I was that child that wasn’t allowed any sweets, chocolate, crisps or junk food and it just made me want it more and I eat far too much of it as an adult whereas DH who was allowed what he wanted as a child only eats it rarely and in moderation so I agree with you, but I’d just keep it to yourself next time.
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Yeah, I think it’s obvious why your kids are described as such in your username. Badly behaved due to all the sugar you give them and your poor judgements on others.
How old is the child?
It's really not any of your business and wasn't fair for you to question it in front of the child (or at all actually).
I agree. Regarding the other thread about curry restaurants, I never had a Chinese until I was 16, and didn't have curry until I went to university. My parents don't like them, and there are hardly any where I grew up. Ditto, mostly, for pizza, burgers etc.
I banked years of general healthy lifestyle, and don't feel remotely deprived. It's very different from knowing those things are available and wanting them occasionally.
@Guineapiglet345 - HOWEVER I was that child that wasn’t allowed any sweets, chocolate, crisps or junk food and it just made me want it more and I eat far too much of it as an adult whereas DH who was allowed what he wanted as a child only eats it rarely and in moderation
That very much depends on the child. I was very strict with my eldest. He got very little sugary food, mainly what he got at birthday parties. By the time I got to child number 3, I was worn down and he got way, way more and at a much earlier age. Child 1 and 2 eat very healthily by choice (they're 21 and 18, so I don't have much say in it these days). Child 3 (age 16) has a massively sweet tooth and would quite happily exist on junk food if he could. Neither of the other 2 were like that at his age.
It's not your choice.
I don't mind my son having a little bit of chocolate, but I control the amounts and how often (he's 2). My relative lets her 3 can year old have free access and I've seen her giving him a sharing bag of buttons at 10am. It's up to each of us how we parent.
My son has also never had McDonald's or the like (we never eat it ourselves and prefer to make it ourselves). I know a 'small bite wouldn't do him any harm' but we also don't want that shite in his system yet. If someone encouraged him to have it, I wouldn't be too pleased.
It's not up to you so back off. She's parenting how she sees fit
Can't imagine why she wants to spend time with such a charmer
Well your update speaks volumes
Yep! Real charmer eh
No she was from a very strict up bringing she has even fallen out with her mum and dad for how they brought her I am no way slagging her off she’s a fabulous mother and does everything she can for her boy I just agree that she will eat sweets chocolate in front of her son and has restricted him from having any personal it’s not what I would do I don’t swear in front of my children as I don’t want them to
I don't agree with her but I don't agree with you under minding her infront of her child more! So rude!
This is why I said what I said the point is she does he sits in his high chair eating his meals while she will have bags of sweets bars of chocolate I think she is a wonderful mum but I feel like if you don’t want your child to do something then don’t do it yourself
For your information I am the one friend that has stuck by her helped her kick a drug habit got her away from an bad relationship so before you make your mind up on my friendship skill try get the full story
FYI I helped said friend kick a drug habit got her out of a shitty relationship I am the one friend that’s there day or night no matter what time when she needs me
Nothing in your updates changes my mind at all
I only let my ds drink water or milk and I have had a few people asking me what the harm is letting him have some juice. I dont see why I would give him juice if he is perfectly happy drinking water. Your friend may think the same, why give him chocolate if he will happily eat an apple.
I feel like if you don’t want your child to do something then don’t do it yourself
“Try to get the full story”
You realise you’re the only one that has that? (or at least your biased version of it) What a ridiculous thing to say!
I don’t if you have helped her with issues in the past. A good friend doesn’t take to the internet to bitch about a “friend” doing something that’s well within the realms of normal parenting.
I feel like if you don’t want your child to do something then don’t do it yourself
In that case, we'd only ever have one child
I feel very sorry for her to have a "friend" like you, judgmental and not very bright in her reasoning. We'll just ignore the childish "she had a drug problem nonsense" shall we?
It has nothing to do with you, but it clearly make you question your own parenting and feel insecure if you can't comprehend someone making different choices.
As it happens, I actually completely agree with your friend, kids don't need to start sweet and junk food so early. By the time they are starting school there will be so many parties, birthdays, school cake sales and so on, they will catch up.
I feel like if you don’t want your child to do something then don’t do it yourself
someone call social services on us all who dare drinking wine in the same room as the kids
Op: asks for opinions
MN: gives opinions
Op: gets shitty that people don't have the exact same opinions as them
You sound like a delight op
Are you worried she might accidentally sniff a line in front of him, but deny him the same right?
If she's doing such a great job, why get up in arms about it, both to her face, and on the internet to strangers?
Your AIBU is basically:
SOMEONE IS DOING SOMETHING ENTIRELY HARMLESS DIFFERENTLY TO ME AND I WANT BACKUP SO I CAN TELL MY FRIEND (WHO HAS OVERCOME FAR WORSE THINGS) THAT YOU AGREE WITH ME.
Having helped her doesn't give you the right to dictate her life, you know.
You should mind your own business. It is very difficult to keep children sugar fee especially when our culture is a sugar fest of "whats the harm" I know. I did it 40 years ago. You end up having to compromise . However I am surprised the dentist mad a tolerant comment. It is not all right. it does damage teeth. Sugar and carbonated drinks. The level of tooth decay in the country is a disgrace. Dummies are a different issue. They are more of a problem for speech that teeth although they can cause some drift ( not decay) Decay is commonly caused by sweet drinks in a bottle. The only thing your friend did wrong was to be a bit over-responsive about something not easy for her to control. You should not criticise her parenting. She did not tell you yours was wrong
I'm of the everything in moderation school but it doesn't mean I'm right. Its hardly child abuse to not want your child to develop a taste for sugar at an early age. Leave it be. Not really necessary for you to comment on that or the dummy.
They're only 2 years old,bloody hell I thought you were going to say alot older!
Two is still very young and pretty much all of the people that I'm friends with and that are parents wouldn't give chocolate and sweets to they're DC at that age.
I don’t feed my dc chocolate or sweets and he only drinks water, but if someone else gave him some I wouldn’t step in. Just like if he makes cakes at nursery.
I’ve struggled with being overweight, so i don’t want to pass that legacy on to him, as I know there’s some evidence about obesity being genetic. I did the same with my older teenagers and they are slim.
I do still eat crap when they’re in bed though, as well it’s my choice what goes in my mouth, but it’s also my choice what my toddler eats (most of the time) so I feed him healthy unprocessed foods.
I agree with PPs that it isn't for you to judge your friend's parenting. She's right that sweets are very harmful to teeth. She clearly has a sweet tooth herself, and doesn't want her DS to fall into her bad habits.
Are you feeling defensive about allowing your DS to eat sugary treats?
Don't undermine other people's parenting - esp in front of their kids.
Don't offer something to someone else's kid that you know they don't want them to have. People shouldn't have to defend their parenting decisions around food.
With the sugar issues our society has and the impact on teeth and health it sounds like she has a good approach to sugar - 2 yr olds don't need chocolate FFS and its not your kid so you don't get to make that dietary choice.
What a shitty mother trying to ensure her son doesn’t pick up her bad habits 🙄
She kicked a drug addiction. If sweets are her thing now, fair play to her.
You really aren’t the friend you think you are. No friend of mine would challenge me on something so trivial, especially when it’s something which follows pretty much every healthy eating guideline for small children.
Ever consider you are the one in the wrong for feeding your kid chocolate at a young age? Maybe you have and she brings out a deep seated guilt.
Every parent has different ways of parenting. You're not always going to agree with another parent's views and vice versa.
I've just seen the age of your DS and hers. I think 2 years old is way too young to be eating sugary treats like milky bars.
She sounds a bit OTT and I've never gone in for the 'no unhealthy stuff ever' approach, so I'm with you. But then again we are as a nation overweight so I can't criticize anyone for trying to encourage a healthy approach at such an early age, there'll never be a better opportunity - or as much influence - in shaping a child's eating habits.
To each their own, you and her are both entitled to your own parenting choices. YABU to undermine her choices in front of her DC though.
OP if she has addiction issues - first drugs then sugar - then she is trying to ensure her son doesn't go the same way.
This means don't go out of you way to offer sugar, chocolate or any stuff that is addictive to her child. If your child happens to offer her child some don't make a song and dance of it just ignore it as your child is doing the correct thing by sharing.
There are people among my family and friends who have alcohol problems. While I offer my nieces, nephews and younger people* alcohol I deliberately have never offered the ones who I know one parent/close relation has had a problem. I found out after I started doing that that there was more than one person in their families who have had addiction problems.
*They are young adults.
Adults can drink alcohol, drive, get married, etc, etc. There are lots of things we do that DCs don't. It's perfectly fine to limit DC's sugar intake or any part of their diet regardless of what the adult eats or drinks.
Mine didn’t go to MacDonalds until they were in Senior school.
First time was when friend was out with ds and she took him and her ds into MacDonalds.
She admitted she didn’t believe me that he had never been in one until he asked for vinegar with his chips
I thought you were going to say they were 10. 2 is too young for them to be having chocolate bars. Special occasions sure, but not as a snack. I agree with her.
Unless a child is being hurt, abused, neglected or otherwise harmed, how other people parent isn’t anyone else’s business.
For the record I was a very strict parent who was (inwardly) very judgy of other people I thought were doing it ‘wrong’. All the children are adults now and mine haven’t done any better in their education, happiness, careers, mental and physical health or any other area of life than the parents I judged. With hindsight I could have taken the stick out of my arse a lot sooner.
For what it's worth I don't ban sugar either; you tell someone they can't have a certain thing and it instantly becomes more desirable. We don't have cordials/squash, fruit juices or sugar-laden ketchups in the house: I figure if DC is going to have sugar than it might as well take the form of the occasional chocolates, sweets and puddings. No sweets every day and we minimize the 'hidden' sugars in other sources. If 'friend' has imposed a complete sugar ban then she's potentially just storing up problems for the future. But it's not my place to tell her that. Nor is it yours.
You actually challenged her parenting decisions and undermined her in front of her child?
Of course YABU.
I have a friend who was really strict with what her children ate when they was little. They were only allowed one square of chocolate on a Sunday after there dinner 🙈 Easter egg would last until the following Easter! And always gloated that her kids didn't have one filling.
As soon as they turned 18 they went mad, ate what they wanted, turned to drugs and got face piercings and 90% of their bodies tattooed and are both over weight. When their mother and father asked them why they were doing it they said they were retaliating for the years that they weren't aloud shit.
Needless to say my friend now doesn't have a relationship with either of her children. Being controlling and not letting kids be kids doesn't always pan out great.
As soon as they turned 18 they went mad, ate what they wanted, turned to drugs and got face piercings and 90% of their bodies tattooed and are both over weight.
people don't tell you enough about the danger of chocolate
What!? Mind your own business!
I'm surprised you have many friends who are parents if you regularly carry on like that.
If 'friend' has imposed a complete sugar ban then she's potentially just storing up problems for the future
I actually don’t think a complete sugar ban would. A friend did this with her dc and now grown up they actually don’t like chocolate or sweet things.
I think the parents who gave their children chocolate but rationed it probably did more harm than good and were a bit cruel.
If you are going to give your child a taste for something then don’t ration it otherwise it wouldn’t take a great brain to workout the result they got was inevitable.
OTOH some people ban sugar for a medical reason. A friends Ds has an “allergy” to sugar.
It sends him completely nutty. Like being completely drunk on 1 Haribo
It's not really your business. I agree that it's over the top but it's completely her decision. I would be annoyed if I stipulated that my child couldn't have something and then another parent who knew this started questioning it in front of the child and saying it would do no harm.
I certainly wouldn’t let my child “have a bite” of something that’s been in someone else’s mouth. Perhaps she was too polite to say that she was worried about her child catching herpes or something.
Wow you must wrap your child/children in bubble wrap if your scared of them catching illnesses it apart of life and I think you have a very sick mind to think a toddler has herpes shame on you
Er why is it sick to think a toddler has herpes?! It’s really common to see kids of all ages with herpes. There have been loads of news articles about babies dying of herpes. And adults with herpes are advised not to kiss babies in case they catch it.
I don’t think the OP is very well informed re the herpes virus. “Sick” sounds like she thinks it’s just an STD. You need to educate yourself OP! Google cold sores.
I think OP needs to educate herself on a lot of things!
Minding her own business and respecting other parents decision being one of them.
Of course toddlers can get herpes. Cold sores are very common.
*I don’t think the OP is very well informed re the herpes virus. *
Let’s be honest. The OP doesn’t exactly sound like the sharpest tool in the box generally
Sounds like you two are competitive. Both believing your way is the 'right' way. I fear for the future of the friendship.
Sounds like you two are competitive. Both believing your way is the 'right' way.
I don't think you got that right
One is trying to force-fed chocolate to a child to prove a point, but the other is not manhandling the other to remove sweets
I think you have a very sick mind to think a toddler has herpes shame on you
Oh dear OP
I think I've turned myself inside out, cringing for you
Not really my friend and her son are at my house now having a sleepover so no hard feelings between us and for people saying I was slagging her off I have shown her this and she actually been laughing I wish you all a happy weekend with you families as I intended to enjoy mine
Enjoy your weekend love I loved reading your comments well wishes to you and yours
So your friend
condoms condones your behaviour?
I have shown her this and she actually been laughing
being described publicly as a recovering drug addict with bad judgement and poor parenting skills, who wouldn't find it hilarious
Both of these 'friends' seem to share a complete lack of punctuation.
* and for people saying I was slagging her off I have shown her this and she actually been laughing*
To the friend
You can do a lot better than the OP for a friend
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