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By not wanting my partner poking me for sex at 4am!

(70 Posts)
Applecrumble79 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:39:02

My partner regularly wakes me up for sex at stupid hours. We have mis matched sex drives however I meet him half way . I enjoy sex with him but sometimes I’m just so tired. I work in excess of 40 hrs a week and don’t always appreciate being poked in the early hours. I have important meetings and need to be alert. When I’m woken after 4am I often don’t fall back to sleep then I’m exhausted the following day! I allow it sometimes to keep the peace but he thinks it’s ok to do it whenever. We have sex at other times but wonder if I’m being unreasonable not wanting my sleep disturbed. Is this what everyone else is doing?!

Wolfiefan Thu 14-Mar-19 22:40:48

You don’t want it? So don’t “allow it sometimes.” Make it crystal clear that it’s not something you find acceptable and if he doesn’t stop? He can sleep elsewhere. confused

Notcontent Thu 14-Mar-19 22:42:22

4 am? Just no... maybe when I was 20....

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Thu 14-Mar-19 22:44:04

I'd go mad at dh if he dared wake me up in the middle of the night for anything less than the house on fire or an ill child!

53rdWay Thu 14-Mar-19 22:44:12

I don’t want to be woken at 4am for anything less than the house being on fire. YANBU.

Hillaria Thu 14-Mar-19 22:44:54

No, we are not doing. Though if DP poked me at 4 AM, I'd be delighted. He would be happy with once a week, though I'd be happy with several times a day confused. I try not to pester him, though, and wouldn't pester him in his sleep as that would seem a bit intrusive.

wishywashy6 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:45:14

What wolfie said.

It's usually me waking my BF for it if anything but only ever when he's first dozed off or if I wake a bit before the alarm.... no way would I get a response from him at 4am so I wouldn't even try! Regardless of whether other people are doing it though, if you don't want to then make that clear to him and say no.

53rdWay Thu 14-Mar-19 22:45:32

Also if you’re ‘allowing’ sex to keep the peace you’ve got bigger relationship problems with him than just this.

RLOU30 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:45:33

Fucking no chance. Especially after having A DC wake you up at all hours. If my partner done this he would be on the floor.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble Thu 14-Mar-19 22:46:16

What or who has made you think your wants are less than his?

ceirrno Thu 14-Mar-19 22:46:28

Damn I wish my partner would do that... But at the same time, if he knew I didn't want him to then it would be unreasonable

RaspberryKisses Thu 14-Mar-19 22:46:41

Are you hell being unreasonable! I wouldn't like to be woke up in that manner at any time, nvm at 4am! I think hes being a bit if a selfish tw#t!

If you don't want this i do think you need to have a conversation he seems very focused on (his needs) rather than yours OP, and is not considering the impact on you, him selfishly waking you up at that time!

Mari50 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:47:21

I don’t even like being ‘poked for sex’ at 7am, if my DP was harassing me at that time I’d be sleeping in the spare room every night.

Applecrumble79 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:47:43

Thanks for responses. Wanted to get a snapshot of what society does!! Seems I need to put my foot down

oneforthepain Thu 14-Mar-19 22:47:46

No, it is not what everyone else is doing.

Also if you’re ‘allowing’ sex to keep the peace you’ve got bigger relationship problems with him than just this.


BlessYourCottonSocks Thu 14-Mar-19 22:48:13

Frankly, I wouldn't want Chris Hemsworth waking me for sex at 4.00am -never mind DP!

reallybadidea Thu 14-Mar-19 22:48:15

DH tried this once. Just once mind. I can't think of much worse actually. It would drive me mad. Tell him to go and have a wank in the bathroom if he's that desperate.

Holidayshopping Thu 14-Mar-19 22:49:45

I remember a comedian (possibly Michael Macintyre?) saying that the only acceptable reasons for a woman to be woken in the night are if it’s snowing or a celebrity has died.

VelvetPineapple Thu 14-Mar-19 22:50:08

I’d be furious if anyone woke me up at 4am for any reason except an emergency. If DH woke me for sex he’d be very very sorry. How selfish can you get! Ruining someone’s sleep and making them tired all day because YOU fancy a shag! Does his selfishness and thoughtlessness extend into other areas of your lives too?

Eatmycheese Thu 14-Mar-19 22:50:24

You allow it?
You do it to keep the peace
He wakes you up all hours of the day and night to get his end away?

No you are most definitely not the one being unreasonable

Applecrumble79 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:53:48

@ velvetpineapple. He has a high sex drive and sulks when I’m not in the mood. He can be selfish sometimes but is also equally as kind. Just fed up of the constant demands for sex. He moans when he gets it’s sometimes 4 times a week *eye rolls*

QueenofallIsee Thu 14-Mar-19 22:57:06

Dp and I have high sex drives and are well matched. He sometimes wakes me up for a tumble but we both love that, don’t struggle to get back to sleep and he would never sulk if I said no! If he did, he would not be my DP as I would find that coercive and a form of emotional blackmail

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 22:57:41

This man is still sharing your bed why? He's a sex pest. He would no longer be sleeping in the same bed as me or the same room and if he kept it up, in the same house.

VelvetPineapple Thu 14-Mar-19 23:00:11

He has a high sex drive and sulks when I’m not in the mood

Let him sulk then? Solves your problem as he’ll leave you alone! Are you sure he’s actually a grown up as the adults I know don’t sulk like babies?

Mixedbags Thu 14-Mar-19 23:01:19

Everyone is different, unless it’s the first few years of a relationship and or you are teenagers I would not want to be woken up at that time

burritofan Thu 14-Mar-19 23:01:54

It doesn't matter what society does. Even if you had 1,000 responses saying "I love being woken up for sex!" you're allowed to hate it.

I for one would murder my DP if he did this. My sex drive is higher than his but if I'm asleep, I'm asleep. He doesn't get to decide for me that I don't need to be asleep. It's rude and selfish.

Hillaria Thu 14-Mar-19 23:01:59

Now thinking that I am a sex pest with a ridiculously high sex drive. I would gladly shag DP at least three times a day, including at 4 AM. If only he would. <weeps> <withdraws>

Olddentist Thu 14-Mar-19 23:04:19

No way ! That’s really not on. You need to ask him to stop

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 14-Mar-19 23:08:59

Posts like this make me think I'd start sleeping with a fork to hand. I don't normally advocate violence but I would be very tempted (and issue clear warnings).

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 14-Mar-19 23:10:17

You need to ask him to stop

No. It's not a request. It's an instruction.

Topseyt Thu 14-Mar-19 23:11:12

He sounds like a sex pest to me, and I would be telling him that. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

Decormad38 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:13:03

He’d be living on the street if I was married to him !

feska5 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:13:56

OMG! Poke him in the eye or kick him in the bollocks at 4am and see how he feels about that.

lunabody Thu 14-Mar-19 23:15:43

I thought I would like being woken up for sex, and said to DH that he could. Turns out I didn't, worst idea ever! Told him, no issue at all, and he never sulks when I turn him down (and that works both ways).

No matter how high your DP's sex drive, he just needs to stop and respect your needs, and he needs to stop sulking - does he really want to have sex if you're not into it?? I'm sure he's well acquainted with his hands, he just need to get busy on his own every so often and stop being a selfish grumpy arse.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:17:24

You need to give him some sharp words exactly as set out by pp. If he sulks, let him sulk. Your wishes are no less than his.

I can only imagine if my DH woke my up like that at that sort of time. I expect that he'd be missing a few bits or sleeping on the lawn.

MeteorGarden92 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:18:46

DP tried this once, early on in our relationship, after we’d attended a friends wedding.

I lost my shit like the angriest of badgers and he was scared of my for days after.

Despite a ‘well it was your own fault but sorry I flipped out’ apology the next morning! 😂

Wolfiefan Thu 14-Mar-19 23:18:50

Sod society.
It’s your body. You get to choose if and when it consents to sex.
And he sulks? Is he a fucking child? It’s so unsexy. Trying to coerce you into sex? Grim.

Wearywithteens Thu 14-Mar-19 23:19:04

Waking you up 4am? To penetrate you when you don’t want it? To use you basically as a human sperm receptacle? Because let’s face it, he could masterbate and let you sleep.
But no he ‘pokes’ and ‘sulks’.

Thank God I’m not married to something like that. The actions of some men make me feel sick.

OrigamiZoo Thu 14-Mar-19 23:25:59

YANBU. The sulking is foul, your body is not his wank receptacle.

OrigamiZoo Thu 14-Mar-19 23:32:34

You could ask him - I don't feel like it, do you really want to treat me like an object while you pump away knowing I didn't want it?

So, don't sulk, as I will never want to be treated like a sex object. Sex is a mutually desired act, not him having his needs met by using your body.

Ginnymweasley Thu 14-Mar-19 23:42:12

If dh attempted to wake me for sex at 4am I would be telling him to fuck off somewhere else till it was time to get up. I do not like being woken up at all. If you don't like it then tell him. His wants don't trump yours.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:42:56

If my husband sulked when I said no (especially at 4 am) I'd turn to him and say "And that's not going to get me going, that's for sure".

Nothing is more UNattractive than someone who will not take no for an answer.

NunoGoncalves Thu 14-Mar-19 23:47:23

God, this is one of those threads where people justify their partners being absolute dicks because "he's really great the rest of the time". Sure he is. A genuinely great guy wouldn't wake his partner up for sex in the middle of the night and then sulk if he didn't get any and moan about only having sex 4 times a week.

So gross. I could never be with someone like that.

Missingstreetlife Thu 14-Mar-19 23:47:52

Using you like a toilet. Don't think so. What is his right arm for? Tell him it's not sexy, you'll let him know when you're in the mood and the more he sulks or cajoles the less likely that is. Read the cup of tea cartoon. Link anyone?
Seperate beds. Ask for consent. Make it about your pleasure not, or at least as well as his
Try by appointment twice a week, starting with him being very nice for two days beforehand. Like training dogs.

cordeliavorkosigan Fri 15-Mar-19 00:00:37

Ill child, house on fire, someone is dying / had a major accident or has died, major earthquake: ok, that's terrible, wake me up.
Otherwise if someone did that I don't think they'd be having sex with me again ever, never mind that morning! at least not for a good long time.

TheSandman Fri 15-Mar-19 00:01:16

BlessYourCottonSocks Thu 14-Mar-19 22:48:13

Frankly, I wouldn't want Chris Hemsworth waking me for sex at 4.00am -never mind DP!

Seriously? I would. But he'd have to be quiet so not to wake up the wife.

VelvetPineapple Fri 15-Mar-19 00:06:01

Using you like a toilet

Urgh this. So gross.

Singlenotsingle Fri 15-Mar-19 00:06:55

I'd make an exception for Aiden Turner! But the bed would be a bit crowded. It's got dp and the dog in it already!

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt Fri 15-Mar-19 00:14:02

I would not be responsible for my actions. There certainly would not be a reoccurrence.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 15-Mar-19 00:26:48

Pestering you for sex isn't on
Sulking when the pestering doesn't work isn't on
Waking you up and making you tired isn't on

Imagine it the other way round, if there was something you really wanted him to do to make you happy. Cook you a nice meal or something. Would he be happy with you going on and on and on about it? Would he be more or less likely to cook you something special if you sulked because you were hungry? If you woke him up at 4am complaining of being starving and it's at least a day since he cooked for you and it's all you can think about and he needs to get in the kitchen this minute...he'd tell you to f**k off. It sounds stupid when you say it like that but I don't think that situation is too different

CheshireChat Fri 15-Mar-19 00:48:04

DP tried this as he's frisky in the morning, I told him the only action his cock and bollocks would be to get chopped off.

MellowMelly Fri 15-Mar-19 01:01:42

Here’s how I handled my ex partners probing at 2/3/4/5am...

I’d sleepily say ‘Ouch ow ouch’ and then I’d roll away into the most impenetrable position I could muster. He soon got the message that my vagina wasn’t always ‘ready’ in the early hours of the morning. I’d allow it every now and then but he knew if he heard the first ‘ouch’ to stand down!

He got it plenty enough as it was!

Lizzie48 Fri 15-Mar-19 01:15:29

No way! Only for house fire or if one of our DDs is ill or has had a bad dream.

But I'm grumpy when woken up anyway, as I'm not a morning person. My DH has learnt that the best way to wake me up is to bring me a cuppa.

You need to be more direct about this. If you go along with being woken up for sex, even if only sometimes, then he'll continue.

Peopleshouldread Fri 15-Mar-19 01:27:22

No way.

I'd have an involuntary sleep reaction with my knee in his balls" by accident " the next time he does it. When he complains tell him you got a fright as you started dreaming you were being assaulted.

This is absolutely not on.

Shoxfordian Fri 15-Mar-19 05:43:49

Sulking when you say no is a huge red flag.
You've been way too agreeable op. Tell him not to even think about waking you up again. Is he selfish in other ways too?

pictish Fri 15-Mar-19 06:27:41

“The sulking is foul, your body is not his wank receptacle.”

This is concise and describes my opinion perfectly. Your body is not his wank receptacle. There are a lot of men who think that’s what a ‘partner’ is for...being available for them sexually whenever they choose and behaving like they’re being denied what is their right when they are told no.

Your body is yours, not his. Unless you enjoy being woken up at 4am to service his cock, he is behaving appallingly! You are too afraid to say no for fear of the repercussions that will follow...sulking and a bad atmosphere. How dare he sexually bully you like that?!
This man has a warped sense of entitlement that needs put straight with a frank talk. If he has any respect for you he will listen and change his approach accordingly. If he’s the sort of arsehole to view women as slaves to male sexual desire, then you’ll soon know and hopefully send the idiot packing.
4am indeed. Fuck right off.

pictish Fri 15-Mar-19 06:30:46

There are men out there who truly believe that women should be flattered by this sort of hounding. “It’s because I fancy you so much!”’s because you’re a selfish cunt.

KM99 Fri 15-Mar-19 06:40:59

OP, have you actually tried to have a conversation with him about this?

The sulking, the complaining, the persistently waking you up at a time you don't want it are big red flags. You know what's sexy? Understanding your partner, asking for consent, being totally fine with rejection.

Stop conceding to "keep the peace" and start telling him he'll be cut down to zero if he doesn't start respecting your needs.

pictish Fri 15-Mar-19 06:44:51

If you don’t tackle this with him, you’ll soon find yourself shuddering at his very touch, revolted by him...if you’re not already.
It is important that he understands and respects you over this.

megrichardson Fri 15-Mar-19 06:59:23

Another voice to agree with the others. You will and up hating him over this.

cakecakecheese Fri 15-Mar-19 07:08:13

Even if this was 'normal in society' if you don't want sex at 4am then you shouldn't have to 'go along with it' to keep the peace. Tell him the more he harasses you at silly times in the morning the less likely he is to get sex at any time of the day.

MancaroniCheese Fri 15-Mar-19 07:08:35

Another chiming in to say the same, he is beyond out of order and a sexual bully.

SofaSurfer20 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:09:50

Tell him no. And don't allow it at stupid AM to keep the peace. What are you, a sex doll?

WFTisgoingoninmyhead Fri 15-Mar-19 07:12:45

If you don’t want it, don’t allow it. I love to be woken up for sex at any time and if I can’t sleep sex is the only thing that gets me to sleep after a good session. My DH doesn’t like it in the morning and told me to about 6 months into our marriage, 30 years on I still don’t try in the morning. If your DH doesn’t know you don’t like to be woken how will he know to stop doing it.

PregnantSea Fri 15-Mar-19 07:14:56

This is personal preference. I'm not working at the moment so I don't mind being woken up for sexy time, but when I was working full-time it would have pissed me off.

The solution is easy though - just say to him "please stop waking me up in the night for sex". If he doesn't accept this then maybe have a chat about more appropriate times. Perhaps you could agree that you have sex in the evening after dinner, but before you're going to sleep?

Applecrumble79 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:17:22

Thanks guys. I will be having a chat with him tonight. It’s disruptive to me and I’m not remotely aroused at this time!

Moanymoaner123 Fri 15-Mar-19 07:32:19

I had a high sex drive before the pestering started, like you my ex was never happy even when we had done it several times in one evening and a few more during the week. Totally killed any desire I had for him, and I wasn't willing to stay in a relationship where there was no sex. He never listened to me and couldn't stop the groping for more than 48 hours. I do want to have sex and still have a healthy drive, just not with a pestering, inconsiderate man child.

Happynow001 Sat 16-Mar-19 08:18:44

Do you have a spare room OP? If so why not sleep there occasionally and tell him you need an undisturbed sleep as you have early start/challenging day coming up. Don't ask - tell him! Make sure you have everything you need, clothes, hairdryer, phone, keys, handbag etc in the spare room with you. You shouldn't need to do this but sounds like he's not listening. And at least you won't have to be in the same bed as a groping mega-sulker causing an atmosphere.

Also sorry if I missed it but, if you don't already have children with him I'd postpone doing so as that is likely to bring more challenging behaviour from him when you are more vulnerable.

Eliza9917 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:41:32

Is this what everyone else is doing

Not in my fckn house. Fuck that for a laugh.

ponyprincess Sat 16-Mar-19 12:43:44

This is not on to affect your sleep in this way. And it is soul-destroying to just do it to keep the peace. But I understand how yiu can fall into that kind of pattern, I wish I had stopped it with my ex sooner

With my current partner he can do it anytime, though we only see each other twice a week or so

There is no right or wrong just what is right for you. Stick to that

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