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separated parent trouble

(30 Posts)
Storm84 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:01:31

Can any one give me some advice or help?

I split from my husband 3 years ago, when we split he worked nights so we agreed that he would have the children every Sunday from 10am till Monday morning 7:30am and every Wednesday from 5pm for an hour for dinner. Within 6 months to a year he came off nights so i said he could have them every other weekend from 5pm Friday evening to Sunday evening at 5:30pm. This was not good enough and he took me to court to fight to have them the weekend and every Wednesday overnight plus 3 whole weeks through the year 1 to include a week over xmas then every other bank holiday.
i agreed to all apart from every Wednesday over night as i thought this would be to much coming and going for the children.
So the above was agreed with every other Wednesday being an over night stay.

After a year he decided this was not good enough and he wanted every Wednesday over night and to not bring the children home on a Sunday till 7:30 pm then aged 6 and 10 year, i thought this was late for a Sunday evening to then have to get them ready for school the next morning. He said if i didnt agree he would just take me to court so i agreed to 7pm and every Wed over night.
Yet again a year later this is not enough he now wants them 50% of the time and i am braking down. What are your thoughts?

TwoRoundabouts Thu 14-Mar-19 22:09:34

He's their parent and if he's doing them no harm then you have to put up with it.

As you have already found out he can take you to court and win.

In a few years time your 10 year old can choose where to live and this will allow the child to play you off against each other.

You should approach your ex first and make an agreement around this time every year to review your parenting arrangements to prevent that.

nauseous5000 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:12:45

Erm... I appreciate your stand but ask yourself if you want them back earlier Sunday for them or you? Cos most 6yos would be fine with getting home that time/

Lazypuppy Thu 14-Mar-19 22:17:49

He sounds like an active parent so you should each have 50%, why is this a problem?

Storm84 Thu 14-Mar-19 22:18:17

nauseous5000 you have not read my post properly i agreed to him having them later that isnt the issue.

saxatablesalt Thu 14-Mar-19 22:20:13

I'm guessing there is more to it than what your op says as if there is no back story or him being an arsehole I don't really see the issue here, sorry.

blackteasplease Thu 14-Mar-19 22:22:11

I'd speak to lawyer about this.

MN can be weirdly equalist when it comes to 50:50 residence.

Sounds like a lot of chopping and changing for the kids. I agree it's late on a Sunday and that on Sunday evening you need some settling down time.

CloudyTuesday Thu 14-Mar-19 22:22:53

Is he a good dad op? Because I can't see a problem with any of this. It's quite rare on here to see a dad fighting for more time with their kids instead of gradually losing interest. If they're happy with him, and love him, and are well cared for when with him, then 50/50 should be the norm imo.

blackteasplease Thu 14-Mar-19 22:23:50

Is there a backstory btw?

saxatablesalt Thu 14-Mar-19 22:24:26

I don't think 50/50 is always what's best BTW, it was awful for us (as in us the children). But my dad was/is an arse, trying to convince everyone he was a brilliant father when he was not.

That's why I said I assume there is more to this.

Friedspamfritters Thu 14-Mar-19 22:24:59

What is your objection to 50% custody? What are the kids thoughts? Does he live close by? Obviously without knowing the situation there's nothing wrong with him wanting 50% custody of his own kids.

Ellisandra Thu 14-Mar-19 22:25:45

My thoughts?
Great to see a father who wants truly shared care.

I think you were wrong to deny him every Wednesday in the first place. EOW plus one night in the weekend is a very common arrangement for a reason. A good parent doesn’t want to go 12 days in between seeing their children. More importantly, children don’t want to go 12 days without. He was right to take you back to court for that, and you shouldn’t have even made him take you that far.

You make it sound negative that he wanted 3 whole weeks in a year (there a 13 weeks of school holidays a year!). I think it’s great.

As for every other bank holiday? Why on earth not?

And now you’re trying to say no to 19:30 on a Sunday? That’s not an unreasonable time. It allows for a proper day out on his time, and dinner after without rushing. If you feels kids need to be in bed quite soon after on a school night, stop dragging things into court and ask him if he can return them bathed, fed and in pyjamas so that you can take them straight to bed to catch up, cuddles and settling.

I get that it’s hard being away from them - I’m divorced myself. But it’s best for them to have a good amount of time with both parents, not for one to be an EOW parent. You should not be dragging this to court, when his requests are perfectly reasonable - for him and the children.

snowball28 Fri 15-Mar-19 00:37:15

I wouldn’t like the chopping and changing throughout the weeks, if he really wants 50/50 why don’t you do a week on week off thing? Seems less here, there and everywhere than a night here or two nights there etc

Ellisandra Fri 15-Mar-19 10:31:00

It’s really not chopping and changing.
Mine to Wednesdays at dad’s. It’s been that way for 5 years. It’s no more chopping and changing than knowing that Monday is Brownies, Thursday is Taekwondo.
Mine is perfectly happy with it and likes seeing us both regularly - she doesn’t want to do one week about. She’s old enough to tell us, and certainly confident enough too!
Sometimes, she starts with me on Sunday morning, goes for 4 hours and back, all arranged last minute - e.g. if dad invites her to an impromptu BBQ with neighbours that she likes their kids. Always her choice.

It all depends on the personality of the kids, but my own experience of other children with 2 homes, is that they find week about too long away from one parent. Also, they find that arrangement feels more “chop and change” when you factor in other activities.

Brownies kit, for example, is at my house, and she has a routine of walking there with me, and usually fish and chips after!

Every child is different, but please don’t assume week about is better! It’s all about the personality and needs of the child.

OKBobble Fri 15-Mar-19 10:35:37

I can understand that you would miss your children but he is their parent too. Have you had a conversation with the children about what they would like to do. I assume one is now at secondary school. Do you both live close to the schools etc for it not to be an issue? Or are you worried about 50:50 because you won't get maintenance and it will impact your income?

Storm84 Fri 15-Mar-19 15:20:41

When my little boy was 6yrs he came home with the middle section of his finger blistered, his dad had let him use a glue gun when I said but daddy was holding it with you he replied no I was doing it on my own.
That same year he brought him a real tool kit spanners, screw drivers.

Storm84 Fri 15-Mar-19 15:33:15

Can I just make it clear the 3 weeks that he has had them has 90% been when they are at school not in the holidays.

Secondly I never stopped him for seeing them on the Wednesday, they were young and it was a late night for them to be going at 5 which he didn't pick the children up him girlfriend did as he was at work. So he didn't get to see them much more anyway and the girlfriend also bought them back in the morning.

I'm not the one dragging it to court.

This wasn't my point, my point was that it all got settled in court then he wants more and more.
He doesn't contribute to the mortgage or bills which I from the start said I'm ok with him not contributing so that he can get a place of his own.

There is also a lot of book fiddling going on so that he doesn't have to pay much towards the children.

Out of interest how much do any of you get for 2 children a month to help with costs with clothes and the cost of living for them?

I didn't post on here to moan I just wanted some advice.

Bookworm4 Fri 15-Mar-19 15:39:14

Blisters? Hardly evil Dad of the year. Have neither of them ever had an accident in your care? My DP would love this amount of contact with his DS but his ex limits his time and changes at drop of a hat, be glad he's so keen

MummyStruggles Fri 15-Mar-19 15:48:00

I understand that you will miss your children but I think your children are very lucky to have a father who wants to fight for more time with their children.

He shouldn't get any more or any less time than you do, you are equally their parents.

As long as the children are not in any real danger when they are with him and he looks after them adequately then I don't think you can disagree to him wanting 50% custody.

Hope you get it sorted OP!

GabriellaMontez Fri 15-Mar-19 15:52:58

Agree. You need a lawyer.

I don't like 50/50. But it's very fashionable on here.

Don't get the bit about the mortgage. What do you mean?

jennymalone Fri 15-Mar-19 16:03:44

OP, none of us on here can tell you what's fair - we don't know your financial setup, distance between your place/his place and their school/etc, transportation options nor what your children know as their normal routine.

The place to get impartial, objective advice and assessment of this is the legal route.

That's the ONLY place that will be able to comment dispassionately whilst having asked for all the relevant details. Other setups are moot, because each of us have our own finances and family setups.

You need legal advice/take it back to the courts/mediation/etc. if your ex isn't happy any longer with the setup and is demanding more. Both of you are too involved and invested (rightly!) to really know what's "fair" and in the best interests of your children here.

Ellisandra Fri 15-Mar-19 16:13:59

Buying a real screwdriver and spanner? Good hard wearing useful items instead of plastic tat? Montessori method would applaud real tools, and it’s certainly better for the environment.

I don’t get any maintenance at all though not sure why you’re asking - I earn more, and though I’m entitled I choose not to claim it as though we’re about 70/30 he still has the same basic cost of putting a roof over her head.

Ellisandra Fri 15-Mar-19 16:16:14

You are involved in it going to court though, if you say no to a reasonable demand.

Talk to a solicitor - if you have a history of him getting an order then asking for more, I think you can ask the judge to put into the order that he can’t come back again for x years. I’m not certain on that - not a lawyer - but I’m pretty sure it’s possible at the judge’s discretion if he has a history of this.

LagunaBubbles Fri 15-Mar-19 16:20:46

Why should he contribute to your bills? confused

Mixedupmummy Fri 15-Mar-19 16:46:42

*He shouldn't get any more or any less time than you do, you are equally their parents.

As long as the children are not in any real danger when they are with him and he looks after them adequately then I don't think you can disagree to him wanting 50% custody.*

this is incorrect. the court will look at what is in the best interests of the children. this may or may not be 50-50. I suspect not from what you've said. I'd let him go to court if it were me.

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