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To ask what you get out of your relationship?

(34 Posts)
saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:41:15

Ive been with my partner almost 11 years and we have 2 dc together. We are together because were just going with the flow and its 'routine'. He brings nothing to the relationship for me and i feel like i do so much that he doesn't appreciate. I do all the school runs (when im not working part time then he does it the 2 days im working) i do all the parents evening, all the appointments, school plays, put kids to bed, do homework, take the kids out on my own 95% of the time, sort all the bills, do 99% of cooking/dishes/laudrey/cleaning. Im basically a single Mum. And he says i do alot for the kids but i do f all for him. Which technically i don't because im doing everything else. If i say i do your washing/cooking/cleaning he'll say but your doing it anyway so whats one extra person. Sorry, i went off track a little bit. My aibu is... aibu to ask why are you in a relationship? What makes you stay? My partner says this is a normal relationship and that im just wanting something thats not real. But i feel there should be more that just this. Its my first relationship so got nothing to compare it to.

Aria2015 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:51:42

Well your relationship doesn't sound very balanced if you're doing the majority of the day-to-day tasks and housework. It's no wonder you feel the way you do. My dh isn't perfect but he does all the cooking, supermarket shops, shares bedtimes, school drop offs. He has a hobby that he gets to enjoy but he tries to give me a break in return for time he gets to enjoy his hobby to even things out. He treats me nicely and if I'm having a hard day or upset he’ll do what he can to make me feel better or take our lo out to let me relax / get my head together. Doesn't sound like your relationship is much of a partnership if your dh isn't pulling his weight. He's wrong when he says it's normal. It's not normal if you love and respect your partner.

KM99 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:54:52

He's not pulling his weight emotionally or physically. And he certainly isn't as a parent. That isn't normal. Granted, not every relationship is even when it comes to housework or admin but there should be some kind of balance.

What was his childhood like? Is he from a family where women did everything?

Adversecamber22 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:59:10

It’s what he wants as a normal, it’s hard to get a perfect balance but yours is miles away from it and he is treating you like a skivvy. If I was spoken to like that there is no way I would cook enough for him or do anything at all that facilitated it. There have been times over twenty years where one of us does more than the other, it’s give and take on both sides.

Everyone needs practical and emotional support, he is providing you with neither. What was his childhood like was his Mum treated like this?

HarrysOwl Thu 14-Mar-19 17:59:30

As long as you're happy, there is no normal. I could detail my relationship, but comparison really isn't helpful; if you're unhappy, that's a good enough reason to want to address the dynamic of your relationship.

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:05:54

@KM99 yes, he was a spoiled only child who's mum did everything and his dad worked away. He's always been lazy but seems to have gotten lazier since our second child was born, i had to quit work 2 months after returning to work after my maternity leave has he wasn't looking after the children properly. I now work in a nursery and i take my youngest to work with me so he doesn't have to look after him. He also works but is self employed so he can go days/weeks without work so he definitely has the time to pull his weight. He's more than old fashioned, he's idle. When we argue about it he says he does a lot and when i ask him what he says im not going to make a list for you, you know i do a lot.

Sausage666 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:10:19

My DH is almost too good to be true. He probably does 70% of all housework, shopping, we share the DCs bedtime routine etc. I do work full time and study, but he is there for us all the way. What would your DP want you to do 'for him'? Does he mean sexually?

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:10:56

@HarrysOwl. Im not happy though because of his lack of contribution to our home life but he's says im wanting a 'fairytale' and that's not how the other half live and the grass isn't greener on the other side.

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:14:27

@Sausage666 he wants me to run his bath when he gets home from work, have dinner cooked, massage him when he asks and not roll my eyes, ask him if he's ok 1000 times a day, ask him is there anything i could do for you. But it's all pathetic really. He said im the one that needs to change to make this relationship work because im selfish hmm i feel like i do more than enough.

StillMe1 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:15:52

I am watching this thread because I am not sure what normal should be like.
I think I am well treated in my relationship but I have escaped from various abuses so I am not sure. I cope with OH having long working hours due to being self-employed.
I think it depends on how happy and at ease you are with the relationship. I don't think you sound very happy with your lifestyle and that is what is important for you.

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:17:25

And @Sausage666 i think has a lot to do with sex too. Ive got a very low sex drive and he always initiates sex. But after the busy day ive had the last thing i want is sex with someone who doesn't make me happy.

Samind Thu 14-Mar-19 18:18:06

My life must be a fairytale then to your husband as DP works full-time, offers to do housework but I usually do 90% as I'm off in maternity (before that he would do odd bits that needed doing) helps look after baby and spends time with her when home from work. We make each other laugh and we tell each other we love each other everyday. It's not perfect and we do row from communication issues but I wouldn't swap him. We have also been in a rut but worked towards what we both wanted from each other. OP you sound as if you're getting a really raw deal here and it's normal to expect a bit more from someone who's meant to be your life partner. What do you think would motivate him to help?

HarrysOwl Thu 14-Mar-19 18:18:14

He's talking bollocks, to be honest, OP.

My DH is incredibly supportive, I never have to ask him to do anything because he's an adult and knows the chores are his responsibility too.

Thing is, has he always been like this? Have you always taken more responsibility for the chores and keeping things ticking over?

Men rarely change. If the current dynamic is what he's used to, he knows you'll just bare the brunt of the chores, so he gets away with it.

I couldn't put up with a lazy partner, it would be a deal breaker for me.

KM99 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:18:25

saskia76 - he's pretty much gaslighting you with his responses. He's trying to make you question if what you feel is normal or right.

At this stage it just sounds like he's nothing but extra work for you. And another thing to think about is the example he sets as a Dad to your kids.

You deserve better.

Samind Thu 14-Mar-19 18:19:24

Just reading your updates. That's definitely on and super selfish. There are two of you in the relationship so why's it all about your partner? Has he always been this way as in when you were dating?

KM99 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:21:16

Just read your comments re: massages, running baths. Honestly, it makes me furious. He's a fucking man-baby.

Is there anything redeemable about him? Anything you do love? I'm not a very LTB responder, but I'd be tempted here.

Vehivle Thu 14-Mar-19 18:21:54

Your husband sounds awful and if he were mine - I'd give him a short sharp shock of reality by threatening to end the relationship unless he pulled his ass into gear and did more! It's sounds incredibly unbalanced the amount you do vs him. And he doesn't get to say "oh but you'd have to do all that for yourself anyway - what's one extra person?" The point of a partner is so you DON'T have to do it all on your own - you share the load! My set up is quite traditional at the moment because I'm on mat leave so I do most of the cooking and house work because I'm home all day and my H returns home late. But he still does all the shopping, washes up in the evenings, does the bedtime routine with the kids whilst I sit and chill on the sofa.

Reading about your Hs arrogant and entitled manner really makes me angry on your behalf. Seriously - threaten to end it and tell him as you're the main carer for the kids, HE will have to move out about and pay maintenance. He will then be having to cook and clean and manage bills by himself then. And when the kids get older (don't trust him with them when they're young) he can have them every other week and do school drop offs then whilst you enjoy a break. Tell him as he's already made it feel like you're doing it all on your own, you may as well just lose the freeloader and carry on without him in the picture. What an arse he is!

Popc0rn Thu 14-Mar-19 18:23:35

What you describe there isn't a relationship to me OP. I see what he's getting out of it, but do you get any positives out of him being around?

PickAChew Thu 14-Mar-19 18:26:27

Mutual respect, even when we annoy the shit out of each other.

You have yourself an overgrown man brat, unfortunately. He has no respect for you

DroningOn Thu 14-Mar-19 18:27:49

Friendship - have a good laugh, enjoy each other's company
Emotional support - bad day at work seems less bad when I get home
Opportunity to feel loved up - still get a lovey dovey feeling for DH, not always but often enough.

Couldn't imagine a marriage where I was just going through the motions all the time. Granted, we do have "going through the motions" weeks or even months but we are always TeamDroning.

FudgeBrownie2019 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:32:03

I get friendship, kindness, support and love. Obviously there are moments I want to throw a chopping board at his head, and I'm sure I'm not always a delight to live with, but he's my biggest cheerleader and I'd hope I'm his (though MIL does love him a ridiculous amount so possibly not).

It doesn't sound as though you're getting much of anything at the moment, OP; was it always like this or was he invested in your wellbeing once upon a time? All of these things he wants, has he recently asked you what you want?

headinhands Thu 14-Mar-19 18:38:48

Oh op it could be more. I won't say should because some people would prefer the relationship you're in, but you don't and that's okay. I've been with dh for 17 years. He's still my best friend and lover and we are just lovely to each other. And I see lots of equally demonstrably loving marriages around me. Know you have a right to a warm relationship how do you intend to progress?

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:03:33

I don't think anything would motivyhim @Samind has he feels 'he does a lot more than me already' but he wont tell me what he actually does! Yes. He's always been this way and its been the same argument for 11 years but nothing changes then we just get stuck back in our rut until i start to boil then we argue again and it's that same cycle. There's nothing about him i love. And it saddens me to say it but its true. I really despise him at the moment. He's never asked me what i want because 'i have everything' but its just because im independent and if i need/want something i get/do it myself. Ive told him im moving out but ive said it a thousand times before so he just must think this is part of our cycle. But im so unhappy. I cant stay any longer. I have slowly started saving for a deposit to move out. I knew it wasn't a 'normal' relationship but just needed to hear other peoples views has partner says i have high expectations hmm thanks everyone for your thoughts/opinions and advice x

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:07:41

@headinhands Ive decided it will be best for me and my children to move out. He'll never leave the home we currently live in has its his relatives house. And if he did he will feel its still his home. Ive started saving and my brother has offered to help with money for a deposit. So its just a case of looking for a property that's suitable for us.

KM99 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:25:02

saskia76 - good luck. It won't be easy but the short term pain has to be worth the better life you will have for you and your children. If you feel yourself weakening come back to this post x

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:32:47

Thank you smile @KM99

headinhands Thu 14-Mar-19 19:35:26

doesn't make me happy

That's a big thing about my dh, he does make me happier than if I was on my own. He makes me laugh. He made me laugh out loud in Wickes the other day. Not as in laughing at him, but him cracking jokes and being silly. That's normal. How deeply connected I am to him is normal from what I see around me. Not a fairytale, it's better because it's real.

headinhands Thu 14-Mar-19 19:37:43

I had an ex who said I wanted a automon and not a real man. What he actually meant was 'you expect someone to put some sort of effort in to our emotional connection and I'm not capable of that'. 😀

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:50:13

@headinhands haha men!

Nathansmommy1 Thu 14-Mar-19 20:12:15

Your he's behaviour is not acceptable. I'm with dh the same length of time and I do most of the house work, but he would never put me down like your dh is doing to you. He is still my best friend and supports me and ds 100% in everything we do. You deserve better. Best of luck with the move, you will be so much happier once you've made the break

WFTisgoingoninmyhead Thu 14-Mar-19 20:15:55

You asked what I get out of my relationship, I get a best friend, a lover, a provider, a partner, a great dad and grandad but most of all I get a team captain. Our family is a team and he is our captain.

Stompythedinosaur Thu 14-Mar-19 20:22:53

What I get is a partner who does half the housework and childcare, and who supports me emotionally and practically. Also he sorts put computer problems. I try to offer him the same (mi us the computer stuff).

I think your partner sounds like a selfish dickhead.

saskia76 Thu 14-Mar-19 20:23:26

@WFTisgoingoninmyhead i get non of that. He's the last person i would confide in. The last person I would celebrate with. Thats not normal is it?! He should be my best friend but he's not. Im not even 100% myself around him. Im actually a really funny person but because he doesn't get my humour, I hold back a lot sad

WFTisgoingoninmyhead Thu 14-Mar-19 20:33:14

saskia76
That isn’t normal for sure but it is your normal, now if you are not happy with that normal you need to change it, if that means being yourself then you must do that. It is sad if someone cannot be themselves in any situation especially a relationship.
I am sorry you don’t get that at the moment.xx

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