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To be a sahm if we aren't married?

(259 Posts)
NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 16:50:44

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Moanymoaner123 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:00

I did it, and bitterly regret it. He promised to marry me, and we got engaged but the relationship went sour before we married. I've been left up shit creek without a paddle because he controlled all our finances and I have very little recent work experience. Do a registry office quickly now, then a big party later once you've had the new DC.

Everytimeref Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:11

You might be fairly protected if your partner's suddenly died if the will etc names you but could be challenged. If you suddenly separated Marriage means all the assets belong to both of you and would be split according to need whereas if unmarried joint property will be split 50/50. Any other assets such as pensions would only belong to one party.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:00

Is completing the legal side of paperwork at a registry office now - without any fanfare or party or even guests , not just the smart thing to do. It's not a wedding it's just a legal notorisation of your union. A wedding is party, ceremony etc in front of friends and family. They are quite different. You don't have to even tell anyone . Only you and he will know if you choose that but your legal rights are covered.

Yes you are right. ANY party can change a will on their own. It happened to my god daughter. Partner left his OW his business. !

MrsJamin Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:32

You're the one taking a massive hit to your ability to earn money now and in the future. Without being married, there is no recognition of this if your situation changes. You'd be very vulnerable indeed. Being married is an insurance policy on your time, energy and commitment in looking after his children, and any financial arrangement you'd have if your relationship broke down would honour that. Without legal marriage you'd have less. I would just take a little trip to the registry office, get it legal and then save up for a big event if that's what you dream of.

bookmum08 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:52:49

Just get married
It's 'just a piece of paper' but a very very important piece of paper that can make a very very big difference in certain parts of life.
Go get the license. And then you can be married and have that security in two weeks time. Have a big 'party' if you want in a couple of years time if that's your sort of thing.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:01:55

I don't want a particularly big wedding. I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married. We have the money to do it.

He earns too much more than me for us to be able to afford him to stay home or share parental leave.

His wages go into a joint account and I have full access. I tend to sort more of the financial stuff out to be fair and he'll ask me if it's ok, if he's wanting to buy something a bit more expensive. Our main savings are in a joint account too. I've some money in my account, my mat pay is being paid into my own account and I've around £7000 that was left to me from a relative that's in a account in my name only. Think Dp's got some just in his name too, but not sure how much.

MsTSwift Thu 14-Mar-19 18:03:26

It’s fine as long as you have a substantial private income. Otherwise it’s very unwise.

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:32

Nope! Get married. Registry office, forget about the stupid great big wedding, you've already made the biggest commitments. Never understood putting off financial protection to have some silly wedding when you've already had kids.

WorraLiberty Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:53

* I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married.*

Why?

Is your reason worth the gamble?

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:09:22

Would you say it's less of a risk if work let me take a career break of say two years? So I'd have a job to return to?

I've just remembered a colleague doing so to travel with her husbands job so I could ask about that.

If I did that, what would be a reasonable amount to have in a savings account, for just in case? Housing isn't a worry as I could go back to my mums easily enough and probably would at least in the short term if me and Dp split up.

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 18:11:02

OP: AIBU?

MN unanimous: YES!

OP: No, I'm not! I want a big ol' white wedding at all costs fuck my financial well-being!

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:18:19

I don't think I've said that have I @coffeeismyspinach?

I've not made a decision yet. I just know if it's get married in two week in a register office or go back to work, I'll go back to work.

And I don't wand a big white wedding. No church and I'm not planning on wearing white.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:20:26

Could you do the legal bit now and the party later?

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 14-Mar-19 18:22:32

Could you do a secret registry office for the legality and then your proper wedding next year as planned?

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:23:15

That’s what I’d do if I was in your circumstances and didn’t want to miss out on a ‘big day’, whatever that might mean to you. Doesn’t have to mean big, white wedding.

You could have a humanist blessing or something and then a party when you’ve got the money and aren’t pregnant etc.

If you want to stay at home and it would work for your family, I think it would be a shame to give that up. And I wouldn’t do it without the legal protection of marriage; not because I wouldn’t trust my partner, but what if he suddenly died? Not a nice thought, but there are reasons it would be better to be married if you were widowed.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:24:11

I don't want a register office wedding to just get married because I'm pregnant. Because that's what my parents did and it was a disaster.
And I remember my dad telling me about it and that he only did because she was pregnant with me.
I can't shake that negative connection, so I don't want that for my wedding day. I don't want Dp to ever be able to say that to our Dc or for them to ever even think it was the reason.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 14-Mar-19 18:24:39

Also don't feel bad for wanting the wedding you want, it's only on MN you're expected to get wed in your joggers and have one magical chicken and many lentils as a wedding breakfast and only have three guests because you've gone NC with everyone else. But do protect yourself legally

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:27:09

Ah I get that op.

I mean, if it means that much to you then yes, I’d go back to work. Then when you’re ready to get married, do so and then sah. That sounds quite nice to me actually... get married, go on honeymoon, bringing dcs if you want and then stay home. Like a party to say goodbye to work!

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:27:35

Well said zippy^^

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:29:09

We've talked through ideas, Dp suggested making our holiday in summer our wedding. But I can't get that idea of getting married when I'm pregnant as a negative thing out of my head.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 18:29:33

I don't think anyone cares if she gets married in her jeans or a meringue the size of a planet with a reception at Buckingham Palace. The smart advice is to just fucking do it.

CoraCoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:32:11

Yikes, I'm a sahp and I'm not married to my partner. It hadn't even crossed my mind that it would be ureasonable /foolish /dangerous. The house is in both our names and if one of us dies the mortgage would be paid off by the insurance.

What's the difference in being married or not?

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:34:02

Op, you just sent a shiver down my spine quoting that, as a fucking weird poster was on about it just today! I pray to god that isn’t you and that wankstain has been banned. Shudder. You sound far too nice to be that person though!

Anywho, I don’t think anyone here can help with the negative connection you have with getting married while pregnant, but fwiw I think it’s lovely. I am one of those smug fuckers who liked my bump, so I would have quite liked to get married while pregnant. You don’t feel that way, and that’s completely fine. But, DO protect yourself by either going back to work or getting married before you decide to be a sahm. Just my opinion obviously.

TheCraicDealer Thu 14-Mar-19 18:35:34

I just know if it's get married in two week in a register office or go back to work, I'll go back to work.

Go back to work then. There's an article in the DH today about a woman who had to take her millionaire exP to court so she could get her 50% of the house after they split, even though she sacrificed her career to bring up the kids and she was named on the mortgage. She won, but he's appealed again and it's not the kind of hassle you want in your life is it? You see those types of stories quite frequently and the only winners are the lawyers on each side.

I appreciate the connotations the circumstances of your parents marriage might have, but this is different. You wouldn't be getting married to "do the right thing" or take the bad look off an illegitimate pregnancy, but protecting yourself and your kids. If it were me I'd book a date three or four years in the future and have a registry office do for the same day this year but not tell anyone. Then you could get married (officially, in your eyes) on the same date a few years hence, having had chance to not be pregnant, save and plan.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:35:38

Oh no @FuckertyBoo I'm definitely not. It's just something Dp says to me when I'm moaning about my stupid father.

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