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To be a sahm if we aren't married?

(259 Posts)
NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 16:50:44

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Quartz2208 Sat 16-Mar-19 10:16:40

OP being married makes a surprisingly large difference in terms of legal stuff
It seems here the problem is that you want a wedding you need to get over that I think and accept that the best thing for your family is to be married

NotReadyForThisX2 Sat 16-Mar-19 10:48:48

Thank you for the responses. I'm not, not listening to advice as I've said a few times. But I won't change my mind on the wedding. It's booked for next year and that's when it will happen.

Had a good talk last night with Dp though and honestly I think I've just been panicking about how we're going to cope with two and imagining leaving my tiny babies, probably a mix of the shock/stress and pregnancy hormones.
I've never wanted to be a SAHM before and talking it through we both agree it probably wouldn't be good for me, even if it's the easiest thing as a family. I think I'd get bored and resentful of Dp carrying on his career and Dp did say after he'd said it, he started to worry the same.
I've had a good read through the info/rights on mat leave and don't see how work can't let me have another years leave with this one, I just won't necessarily get paid, think I could get mat allowance though.
I'd also forgotten until a poster mentioned it that I'll have my annual leave too so that's a extra 31 days off.
So then it's just after I've finished my second mat leave and by then we'll be married. But we're thinking I try reduce to just 2 days or 21/2 job share, as I don't think they can refuse me the job share option. Hopefully his parents will have the Dc but we'll look at mornings in nursery for Ds, I felt that would be unfair one in nursery but not the other, but as Dp says he'll be two then so probably really benefit from some time with his peers. If we don't need to pay childcare x 2 for the whole time I'm at work (we can afford to if need be and his parents can't manage). Then we'll get a cleaner and maybe Ds in nursery one of the mornings I'm off to reduce the pressure of two and give me some time with baby and Dp and my mums half day she'll have baby so I can have some one on one time with Ds.

I know it probably seems silly planning it out now, when we don't know how things will go exactly. But I feel better and more positive thinking it's possible now and will work!

FuckertyBoo Sat 16-Mar-19 11:01:08

I think you’re doing the right thing op. Good luck with the pregnancy and new baby! Hope you get the wedding you and your dp want at the time you want too flowers

N0rdicStar Sat 16-Mar-19 11:04:21

Sounds ideal, always good to plan. Glad it’s all sorted.

NotReadyForThisX2 Sat 16-Mar-19 11:05:54

Also I do get what @LannieDuck says about the responsibility falling to me.

I'm not sure how we can avoid me taking the lead in all things baby for the short while. Not to say Dp doesn't pull his weight he does and he knows I'll say something if I don't think he is and he knows better than to presume I'll do anything or everything.

I make sure I get time out, gym, friends etc and do so more than he does generally.
But pregnancy, maternity leave and breastfeeding so mean I'm here more for the babies than him. I think/hope it will even out as Dp's excited for when they get bigger and can do more activities. I know if they do any sports etc he'll want to get quite involved, where as I can't think of anything worse than standing watching football/rugby matches, certainly wouldn't want to coach or he'll out. And he'll be the one doing, learning to ride a bike and swim, he already takes Ds swimming once a week, I hate swimming.

Ohyesiam Sat 16-Mar-19 11:07:07

Have only read the initial post.
I was a sham unmarried, it was no biggie, I trusted my partner, so it never felt like a problem.

The kids are teens now and we are actually getting married next year, to celebrate us.

NotReadyForThisX2 Sat 16-Mar-19 13:37:36

Thank you @N0rdicStar and @FuckertyBoo. It's quite complicated this working parent business.
It was good talking to Dp as he's worried too and I know it sounds horrible but that made me feel a bit better. He's seemed so much more excited about the baby in general so it was nice to know he's worried too. And although he did suggest me staying home and said if it's something I do want we'd make it work, it's not something he actually wants. He was worrying about being the only one working and how that could change our relationship too.

I've told him that if I'm only working 21/2 days though, that I'm already taking the hit to my career and I don't think it's fair if I'm only in half a week to not be there 100%. So he's going to have to step up on those days and be the one responsible for getting Dc to his mums or nursery and all the little stuff, packing bags etc. And he'll have to deal with it if they're sick or anything.

LannieDuck Sat 16-Mar-19 14:16:04

That sound like quite a good compromise. You going PT (if work allows) so you can be there for the kids half the week, but on the days you're in work your job takes precedence over his. So if one of the kids is ill on those days, he has to step up. How does he feel about that?

Depending on your actual jobs, it might be hard to enforce if(/when?) he goes off the idea. Esp if he's the higher earner. It'll probably happen the first time the kids' illness clashes with a meeting. But at some point you have to trust him as your partner.

Getting him involved in the kids' routine early will definitely help - dropping them off, packing bags etc. So it's not all defaulting to you.

NotReadyForThisX2 Sat 16-Mar-19 14:27:05

It would be harder for me than him @LannieDuck. I'm more likely to have meetings etc that I'd have to cancel. He's ok with it, his work are quite good like that and he can do some work from home. Only time he definitely couldn't would be if he was working away from home, which is obviously fair enough.

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