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To be a sahm if we aren't married?

(259 Posts)
NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 16:50:44

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

WorraLiberty Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:53

* I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married.*


Is your reason worth the gamble?

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:32

Nope! Get married. Registry office, forget about the stupid great big wedding, you've already made the biggest commitments. Never understood putting off financial protection to have some silly wedding when you've already had kids.

MsTSwift Thu 14-Mar-19 18:03:26

It’s fine as long as you have a substantial private income. Otherwise it’s very unwise.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:01:55

I don't want a particularly big wedding. I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married. We have the money to do it.

He earns too much more than me for us to be able to afford him to stay home or share parental leave.

His wages go into a joint account and I have full access. I tend to sort more of the financial stuff out to be fair and he'll ask me if it's ok, if he's wanting to buy something a bit more expensive. Our main savings are in a joint account too. I've some money in my account, my mat pay is being paid into my own account and I've around £7000 that was left to me from a relative that's in a account in my name only. Think Dp's got some just in his name too, but not sure how much.

bookmum08 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:52:49

Just get married
It's 'just a piece of paper' but a very very important piece of paper that can make a very very big difference in certain parts of life.
Go get the license. And then you can be married and have that security in two weeks time. Have a big 'party' if you want in a couple of years time if that's your sort of thing.

MrsJamin Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:32

You're the one taking a massive hit to your ability to earn money now and in the future. Without being married, there is no recognition of this if your situation changes. You'd be very vulnerable indeed. Being married is an insurance policy on your time, energy and commitment in looking after his children, and any financial arrangement you'd have if your relationship broke down would honour that. Without legal marriage you'd have less. I would just take a little trip to the registry office, get it legal and then save up for a big event if that's what you dream of.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:00

Is completing the legal side of paperwork at a registry office now - without any fanfare or party or even guests , not just the smart thing to do. It's not a wedding it's just a legal notorisation of your union. A wedding is party, ceremony etc in front of friends and family. They are quite different. You don't have to even tell anyone . Only you and he will know if you choose that but your legal rights are covered.

Yes you are right. ANY party can change a will on their own. It happened to my god daughter. Partner left his OW his business. !

Everytimeref Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:11

You might be fairly protected if your partner's suddenly died if the will etc names you but could be challenged. If you suddenly separated Marriage means all the assets belong to both of you and would be split according to need whereas if unmarried joint property will be split 50/50. Any other assets such as pensions would only belong to one party.

Moanymoaner123 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:00

I did it, and bitterly regret it. He promised to marry me, and we got engaged but the relationship went sour before we married. I've been left up shit creek without a paddle because he controlled all our finances and I have very little recent work experience. Do a registry office quickly now, then a big party later once you've had the new DC.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 17:47:16

The reluctance of some women to protect themselves and their children because they want a big party mystifies me.

Purpleartichoke Thu 14-Mar-19 17:46:24

You are committed enough to have multiple children, but not to marry?

Or you want a big wedding!

If it’s the first, children are a much bigger commitment than marriage. If it’s the second, weddings are optional. If you have children, your budget is always going to have bigger priorities.

LannieDuck Thu 14-Mar-19 17:44:45

Do you both earn similar amounts? Would he consider becoming a SAHD? If not, why not?

Regardless of what you decide, I would strongly suggest sharing parental leave. If you become a SAHM, making sure he has some understanding of what it's like to cope with 2 pre-schoolers single-handed day-in, day-out will be invaluable.

Ginger1982 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:43:19

You don't want to marry him before the baby because you want the big shindig. Fair enough, but why can't you do both? Get it on paper with two witnesses off the street then have your big wedding. You don't even need to tell anyone you got married earlier. Be smart here!

Jackshouse Thu 14-Mar-19 17:42:32

It only costs £75 to get married. If you wanted a big party later then you could have a blessing or a big anniversary party.

Personally I wouldn’t be a SAHM without being married. Being a SAHM can dramatically change dynamic of your relationship.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 14-Mar-19 17:41:01

I wouldn't make any major decisions now. When they're 5 months you don't want to leave them as theyre lovely and little and started sleeping etc. Entertaining a toddler for the week when it's raining is a different matter! It was harder to go back to work than I thought but it did make me feel more like 'me' again and is kind of easier than being home with 2 kids. As much as the first bit is hard, settling them into nursery and feeling guilty etc.

Why don't you carry on as if you're going back, and see how it goes? Then if it's too hard logistically pack it in knowing at least you know what both options look like.

Also take a read on here at women in your position. Obviously in a lot of instances it works great and we don't hear about them as there's nothing to post about. But there are a lot of women who've given up work as agreed by their partner or even suggested by their partner then their oartner ends up resenting being the main breadwinner, they expect them to do every single thing at home because they 'work ' eg all childcare at weekends, expect to be able to go out when they please to hobbies etc as they are no longer the default parent, and apparently lose the ability to do anything around the house or anything with the kids as they get out of practice and aren't as involved day to day, and end up making all the financial decisions as they've earned the money. I don't think any of these women went into the arrangement thinking it was going to be like that. So as well as the legal and financial side, if you do go for it, make sure you have up front agreement about evening and weekend chores and childcare, arrangements for when you're ill (who will look after the kids if you've got flu and your families aren't around?) How practicalities of spending decisions will work and how leisure time and free time will be split

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:39:45

I won't be marrying him before the baby though! I know it's the easy solution, but I don't want to.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:37:46

We both have wills and all that. I think everything has been done that can be to protect me and Ds in the event of something happening to Dp. But as someone mentioned he can quite easily change all that. I'm certain he wouldn't, but that where the risk lies isn't it?

That's what I'm conflicted about, l love him and trust him. It would be easier to stay home for the next few years. So do I just trust in that and stay home or make things more difficult for myself in the short term, because of that tiny niggle of what if!

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 17:32:01

If you’re concerned about security but confident in your relationship why not have OH draw up a will? Then you can ensure you’re catered for should the worst happen.

Does he have any life insurance etc? Aslong as he makes sure you’re the beneficiary to those you’re protected.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 17:31:45

Just do the cool thing, go to the registry office, sign the paper, protect yourself and have the party later.

Unfinishedkitchen Thu 14-Mar-19 17:29:03

Personally I wouldn’t even contemplate it but not everyone has the same attitude to risk I guess.

DippyAvocado Thu 14-Mar-19 17:27:50

I would advise against it. I am not married to DP. I work part-time but that has definitely affected my career and left me with depleted savings and a reduced pension. I am planning to return full-time within a couple of years to increase my prospects. Because I've kept my hand in working part-time, I should be able to build my career back up again relatively easily, which wouldn't be the case in my profession if I'd taken much time out.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 17:26:00

Being named on pension paperwork has no guarantees if you aren't married. He (or She) can go to work and change that with one form and you will never know. ! Everyone trusts their partner until they have reason not to. It's a gamble I wouldn't take with two children.
Yes he SHOULD pay the mortgage.
Yes he SHOULD pay maintenance
BUT just read a few relationships threads and you will see that he can refuse , and it take years to pursue
Or her run over by a bus and you won't even get widowed parents allowance.

The smart thing to do is to pop down the registry office on a midweek afternoon with two witnesses- complete strangers if you want to keep it secret and for a £125 marry .

THEN when you have had the baby do the full works with a church blessing. (If that's what you want). That way you can actually have your (wedding) cake and eat it !

ThreeBagsFullofWool Thu 14-Mar-19 17:23:55

Isn't there an option now to register for something that gives the protection of marriage minus the marriage? A civil union or something...

Merril Thu 14-Mar-19 17:14:04

I wouldn't. I regret being a SAHM, even though we're married (couldn't have really done anything else as I had to be a carer for one of the dc).

But at least I have legal protection if anything goes tits up.

Didntwanttochangemyname Thu 14-Mar-19 17:13:23

I'm an unmarried mother of two DC, but my partner and I are marrying soon.
We have paid off our house and its in both our names, I'm named on DPs pension paperwork and we have separate bank accounts and savings.
It's really not that stupid, if you are sensible about it.

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