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To be a sahm if we aren't married?

(259 Posts)
NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 16:50:44

More would I be really I suppose and I think I would be but Dp thinks otherwise.

Unexpectedly pregnant with a seconds Dc, Ds is only five months. We've vaguely discussed a few options but Dp keeps coming back to me staying home until they both or at least Ds start school.
We could afford it and it could in fact be the cheaper option compared to childcare X2 and getting a cleaner in or outsourcing ironing or something to ease the pressure.

I'm actually loving being home with Ds a lot more than I thought I would and Dp does pull his weight, he's not suggesting it to get out of any cleaning/childcare etc.

But we aren't married and I don't want to get married now I'm pregnant or because I'm pregnant. We are planning on doing so though and Dp would do it as soon as possible if I wanted.

I don't need to decide anything just yet, but I'm still on maternity leave and if I'm wanting to go back after the second one. I'm thinking it will be better to go back from this leave earlier and I'll need to tell work as soon as possible.

My career's not one that's particularly hard to get back on track, but I do enjoy it and wasn't planning on staying home. But I want to stay off for the year with Ds and the thought of juggling work with two under two is quite daunting.
The easy solution seems to be stay home for the next few years.
I'd be stupid to give up work without the protection of marriage though, wouldn't I? Or maybe stupid to even with marriage, I don't know!

Stuckforthefourthtime Thu 14-Mar-19 16:58:05

Without marriage, if anything went wrong with your marriage you would have no right to any assets. If he died, even if you had (for example) the house in his name, you still don't have the same rights as a wife. That's a big deal when you are essentially tanking your earning capacity for his.

I think having one parent at-home can work really well, but only if you both have guarantees. Why not even have a quick and private registry office wedding, you don't need to make it public and can always have the party later? Also check if he can make pension/NI contributions while you are off (I'm not up on that one, am sure other more knowledgeable posters will come.along!)

Happyspud Thu 14-Mar-19 17:05:39

It’s not unreasonable but it is supremely foolish.

You don’t want to get married because you’re pregnant....I can’t think of a single better reason. Are you saying that you’re pregnant but you actually don’t love each other?

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:06:50

I think the house is ok because it's in both names. He has life insurance etc and it's left to me.
I don't want to just get married @Stuckforthefourthtime. I know that's a bit silly considering, but I can't bring myself to give up on the wedding I want and I don't want to do it because I got pregnant.

I'll look into pension/NI contributions.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Thu 14-Mar-19 17:08:03

I was a sahm before marriage. I trust my partner and we're happy together so it wasn't an issue for us.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:10:00

Nope, I love him @Happyspud. We're planning on getting married next year. Just don't want to get married at a register office to just do it.

TeddyIsaHe Thu 14-Mar-19 17:10:09

Have you got enough savings so that if the worst was to happen (death, illness, cheating, leaving etc) you could ensure you and your children were financially secure for 3-6 months? Could you afford a house deposit? Rent or mortgage on your own?

The having no legal protection should you split and what that could mean for your kids would be anough to stop me being a SAHM without being married. Not wanting to get married because you’re pregnant is the silliest thing you could think. It’s the exact reason you should be married!

M0reGinPlease Thu 14-Mar-19 17:11:12

Just go to a registry office and do it.

MammaMia19 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:13:20

I wouldn't. Slightly different because I am married but I have two kids 6 and 1. We broke up when youngest was 11mo and I've never been more grateful to have a job! Having a job takes some of the the pressure off if you break up, especially as you don't have that financial security of a marriage.

Didntwanttochangemyname Thu 14-Mar-19 17:13:23

I'm an unmarried mother of two DC, but my partner and I are marrying soon.
We have paid off our house and its in both our names, I'm named on DPs pension paperwork and we have separate bank accounts and savings.
It's really not that stupid, if you are sensible about it.

Merril Thu 14-Mar-19 17:14:04

I wouldn't. I regret being a SAHM, even though we're married (couldn't have really done anything else as I had to be a carer for one of the dc).

But at least I have legal protection if anything goes tits up.

ThreeBagsFullofWool Thu 14-Mar-19 17:23:55

Isn't there an option now to register for something that gives the protection of marriage minus the marriage? A civil union or something...

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 17:26:00

Being named on pension paperwork has no guarantees if you aren't married. He (or She) can go to work and change that with one form and you will never know. ! Everyone trusts their partner until they have reason not to. It's a gamble I wouldn't take with two children.
Yes he SHOULD pay the mortgage.
Yes he SHOULD pay maintenance
BUT just read a few relationships threads and you will see that he can refuse , and it take years to pursue
Or her run over by a bus and you won't even get widowed parents allowance.

The smart thing to do is to pop down the registry office on a midweek afternoon with two witnesses- complete strangers if you want to keep it secret and for a £125 marry .

THEN when you have had the baby do the full works with a church blessing. (If that's what you want). That way you can actually have your (wedding) cake and eat it !

DippyAvocado Thu 14-Mar-19 17:27:50

I would advise against it. I am not married to DP. I work part-time but that has definitely affected my career and left me with depleted savings and a reduced pension. I am planning to return full-time within a couple of years to increase my prospects. Because I've kept my hand in working part-time, I should be able to build my career back up again relatively easily, which wouldn't be the case in my profession if I'd taken much time out.

Unfinishedkitchen Thu 14-Mar-19 17:29:03

Personally I wouldn’t even contemplate it but not everyone has the same attitude to risk I guess.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 17:31:45

Just do the cool thing, go to the registry office, sign the paper, protect yourself and have the party later.

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 17:32:01

If you’re concerned about security but confident in your relationship why not have OH draw up a will? Then you can ensure you’re catered for should the worst happen.

Does he have any life insurance etc? Aslong as he makes sure you’re the beneficiary to those you’re protected.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:37:46

We both have wills and all that. I think everything has been done that can be to protect me and Ds in the event of something happening to Dp. But as someone mentioned he can quite easily change all that. I'm certain he wouldn't, but that where the risk lies isn't it?

That's what I'm conflicted about, l love him and trust him. It would be easier to stay home for the next few years. So do I just trust in that and stay home or make things more difficult for myself in the short term, because of that tiny niggle of what if!

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:39:45

I won't be marrying him before the baby though! I know it's the easy solution, but I don't want to.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 14-Mar-19 17:41:01

I wouldn't make any major decisions now. When they're 5 months you don't want to leave them as theyre lovely and little and started sleeping etc. Entertaining a toddler for the week when it's raining is a different matter! It was harder to go back to work than I thought but it did make me feel more like 'me' again and is kind of easier than being home with 2 kids. As much as the first bit is hard, settling them into nursery and feeling guilty etc.

Why don't you carry on as if you're going back, and see how it goes? Then if it's too hard logistically pack it in knowing at least you know what both options look like.

Also take a read on here at women in your position. Obviously in a lot of instances it works great and we don't hear about them as there's nothing to post about. But there are a lot of women who've given up work as agreed by their partner or even suggested by their partner then their oartner ends up resenting being the main breadwinner, they expect them to do every single thing at home because they 'work ' eg all childcare at weekends, expect to be able to go out when they please to hobbies etc as they are no longer the default parent, and apparently lose the ability to do anything around the house or anything with the kids as they get out of practice and aren't as involved day to day, and end up making all the financial decisions as they've earned the money. I don't think any of these women went into the arrangement thinking it was going to be like that. So as well as the legal and financial side, if you do go for it, make sure you have up front agreement about evening and weekend chores and childcare, arrangements for when you're ill (who will look after the kids if you've got flu and your families aren't around?) How practicalities of spending decisions will work and how leisure time and free time will be split

Jackshouse Thu 14-Mar-19 17:42:32

It only costs £75 to get married. If you wanted a big party later then you could have a blessing or a big anniversary party.

Personally I wouldn’t be a SAHM without being married. Being a SAHM can dramatically change dynamic of your relationship.

Ginger1982 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:43:19

You don't want to marry him before the baby because you want the big shindig. Fair enough, but why can't you do both? Get it on paper with two witnesses off the street then have your big wedding. You don't even need to tell anyone you got married earlier. Be smart here!

LannieDuck Thu 14-Mar-19 17:44:45

Do you both earn similar amounts? Would he consider becoming a SAHD? If not, why not?

Regardless of what you decide, I would strongly suggest sharing parental leave. If you become a SAHM, making sure he has some understanding of what it's like to cope with 2 pre-schoolers single-handed day-in, day-out will be invaluable.

Purpleartichoke Thu 14-Mar-19 17:46:24

You are committed enough to have multiple children, but not to marry?

Or you want a big wedding!

If it’s the first, children are a much bigger commitment than marriage. If it’s the second, weddings are optional. If you have children, your budget is always going to have bigger priorities.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 17:47:16

The reluctance of some women to protect themselves and their children because they want a big party mystifies me.

Moanymoaner123 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:00

I did it, and bitterly regret it. He promised to marry me, and we got engaged but the relationship went sour before we married. I've been left up shit creek without a paddle because he controlled all our finances and I have very little recent work experience. Do a registry office quickly now, then a big party later once you've had the new DC.

Everytimeref Thu 14-Mar-19 17:48:11

You might be fairly protected if your partner's suddenly died if the will etc names you but could be challenged. If you suddenly separated Marriage means all the assets belong to both of you and would be split according to need whereas if unmarried joint property will be split 50/50. Any other assets such as pensions would only belong to one party.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:00

Is completing the legal side of paperwork at a registry office now - without any fanfare or party or even guests , not just the smart thing to do. It's not a wedding it's just a legal notorisation of your union. A wedding is party, ceremony etc in front of friends and family. They are quite different. You don't have to even tell anyone . Only you and he will know if you choose that but your legal rights are covered.

Yes you are right. ANY party can change a will on their own. It happened to my god daughter. Partner left his OW his business. !

MrsJamin Thu 14-Mar-19 17:49:32

You're the one taking a massive hit to your ability to earn money now and in the future. Without being married, there is no recognition of this if your situation changes. You'd be very vulnerable indeed. Being married is an insurance policy on your time, energy and commitment in looking after his children, and any financial arrangement you'd have if your relationship broke down would honour that. Without legal marriage you'd have less. I would just take a little trip to the registry office, get it legal and then save up for a big event if that's what you dream of.

bookmum08 Thu 14-Mar-19 17:52:49

Just get married
It's 'just a piece of paper' but a very very important piece of paper that can make a very very big difference in certain parts of life.
Go get the license. And then you can be married and have that security in two weeks time. Have a big 'party' if you want in a couple of years time if that's your sort of thing.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:01:55

I don't want a particularly big wedding. I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married. We have the money to do it.

He earns too much more than me for us to be able to afford him to stay home or share parental leave.

His wages go into a joint account and I have full access. I tend to sort more of the financial stuff out to be fair and he'll ask me if it's ok, if he's wanting to buy something a bit more expensive. Our main savings are in a joint account too. I've some money in my account, my mat pay is being paid into my own account and I've around £7000 that was left to me from a relative that's in a account in my name only. Think Dp's got some just in his name too, but not sure how much.

MsTSwift Thu 14-Mar-19 18:03:26

It’s fine as long as you have a substantial private income. Otherwise it’s very unwise.

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:32

Nope! Get married. Registry office, forget about the stupid great big wedding, you've already made the biggest commitments. Never understood putting off financial protection to have some silly wedding when you've already had kids.

WorraLiberty Thu 14-Mar-19 18:08:53

* I just know what I want and I want it to be my wedding the day we get married.*


Is your reason worth the gamble?

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:09:22

Would you say it's less of a risk if work let me take a career break of say two years? So I'd have a job to return to?

I've just remembered a colleague doing so to travel with her husbands job so I could ask about that.

If I did that, what would be a reasonable amount to have in a savings account, for just in case? Housing isn't a worry as I could go back to my mums easily enough and probably would at least in the short term if me and Dp split up.

coffeeismyspinach Thu 14-Mar-19 18:11:02


MN unanimous: YES!

OP: No, I'm not! I want a big ol' white wedding at all costs fuck my financial well-being!

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:18:19

I don't think I've said that have I @coffeeismyspinach?

I've not made a decision yet. I just know if it's get married in two week in a register office or go back to work, I'll go back to work.

And I don't wand a big white wedding. No church and I'm not planning on wearing white.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:20:26

Could you do the legal bit now and the party later?

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 14-Mar-19 18:22:32

Could you do a secret registry office for the legality and then your proper wedding next year as planned?

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:23:15

That’s what I’d do if I was in your circumstances and didn’t want to miss out on a ‘big day’, whatever that might mean to you. Doesn’t have to mean big, white wedding.

You could have a humanist blessing or something and then a party when you’ve got the money and aren’t pregnant etc.

If you want to stay at home and it would work for your family, I think it would be a shame to give that up. And I wouldn’t do it without the legal protection of marriage; not because I wouldn’t trust my partner, but what if he suddenly died? Not a nice thought, but there are reasons it would be better to be married if you were widowed.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:24:11

I don't want a register office wedding to just get married because I'm pregnant. Because that's what my parents did and it was a disaster.
And I remember my dad telling me about it and that he only did because she was pregnant with me.
I can't shake that negative connection, so I don't want that for my wedding day. I don't want Dp to ever be able to say that to our Dc or for them to ever even think it was the reason.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Thu 14-Mar-19 18:24:39

Also don't feel bad for wanting the wedding you want, it's only on MN you're expected to get wed in your joggers and have one magical chicken and many lentils as a wedding breakfast and only have three guests because you've gone NC with everyone else. But do protect yourself legally

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:27:09

Ah I get that op.

I mean, if it means that much to you then yes, I’d go back to work. Then when you’re ready to get married, do so and then sah. That sounds quite nice to me actually... get married, go on honeymoon, bringing dcs if you want and then stay home. Like a party to say goodbye to work!

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:27:35

Well said zippy^^

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:29:09

We've talked through ideas, Dp suggested making our holiday in summer our wedding. But I can't get that idea of getting married when I'm pregnant as a negative thing out of my head.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 18:29:33

I don't think anyone cares if she gets married in her jeans or a meringue the size of a planet with a reception at Buckingham Palace. The smart advice is to just fucking do it.

CoraCoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:32:11

Yikes, I'm a sahp and I'm not married to my partner. It hadn't even crossed my mind that it would be ureasonable /foolish /dangerous. The house is in both our names and if one of us dies the mortgage would be paid off by the insurance.

What's the difference in being married or not?

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:34:02

Op, you just sent a shiver down my spine quoting that, as a fucking weird poster was on about it just today! I pray to god that isn’t you and that wankstain has been banned. Shudder. You sound far too nice to be that person though!

Anywho, I don’t think anyone here can help with the negative connection you have with getting married while pregnant, but fwiw I think it’s lovely. I am one of those smug fuckers who liked my bump, so I would have quite liked to get married while pregnant. You don’t feel that way, and that’s completely fine. But, DO protect yourself by either going back to work or getting married before you decide to be a sahm. Just my opinion obviously.

TheCraicDealer Thu 14-Mar-19 18:35:34

I just know if it's get married in two week in a register office or go back to work, I'll go back to work.

Go back to work then. There's an article in the DH today about a woman who had to take her millionaire exP to court so she could get her 50% of the house after they split, even though she sacrificed her career to bring up the kids and she was named on the mortgage. She won, but he's appealed again and it's not the kind of hassle you want in your life is it? You see those types of stories quite frequently and the only winners are the lawyers on each side.

I appreciate the connotations the circumstances of your parents marriage might have, but this is different. You wouldn't be getting married to "do the right thing" or take the bad look off an illegitimate pregnancy, but protecting yourself and your kids. If it were me I'd book a date three or four years in the future and have a registry office do for the same day this year but not tell anyone. Then you could get married (officially, in your eyes) on the same date a few years hence, having had chance to not be pregnant, save and plan.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 18:35:38

Oh no @FuckertyBoo I'm definitely not. It's just something Dp says to me when I'm moaning about my stupid father.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:38:24

Phew smile! It’s a frequently quoted poem, so I shouldn’t be surprised at it coming up twice in one day on a parenting forum grin.

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 18:43:20

If you’ve got a joint mortgage, your own pension and a career don’t marry if you don’t want to. The only thing you need to worry about is if you woukd need his pension to survive. We’ve been together 30 years and havent got married, been parents for 15 years and I’ve had a period as sahp. I have joint ownership of the house and my own pensions. I’m sole beneficiary for dps pensions but if he had a personality transplant I’d be fine.

It’s not ‘cool’ to marry somebody for their money. I think it’s unsavoury and not being married doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:49:05

It’s not ‘cool’ to marry somebody for their money. I think it’s unsavoury and not being married doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

Well, if it isn’t for the legalities and it isn’t for love, what do you think people marry for?

It isn’t marrying for “their” money either; it’s marrying for the legal protections offered by marriage. If I wanted dh’s money, I could have got it without marrying him, by opening a joint account and clearing him out.

But if he died and we weren’t married, money that he would like to go to me would be taxed, whereas it isn’t because we are married. Ditto his pension, which I wouldn’t get if we weren’t married, even if that’s what he’d like to happen.

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 18:55:56

Your main assets (the house and savings) are joint and you have plans to get married in the not too distant future.

Your fiancé could spend all his money and disappear off into the horizon, but being married isn’t going to stop him doing that and 50% of nothing isn’t any better.

I really don’t see the big fuss in waiting a bit.

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 18:56:28

He’s got the wrong pensions,I’ll be getting my dps pensions as named on them.

And can’t you be disinherited on a will even as a spouse. Yes you could challenge it but how much would that cost?

The cool thing is to joint own a house, take out your own pension and have your own way of making money. Marriage has nothing to do with that.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:58:40

But the op is talking about being a sahm, so “the cool thing is having a way of making your own money” is a little irrelevant 😎.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 18:59:44

And I’m not talking about being disinherited; inheritance tax is exempt if you are married. It is not if you are not.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:00:32

I really hope you tell all your married friends irl how deeply uncool they are btw hmm.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 19:01:41

Is your house held as tenants in common or joint tenants ?

If god forbid your DP died , how would you look after your children if he changed his pension (if he has one) or life insurance? There is no legal need for him to notify you about any changes to pension or Will , should he choose to do so.
How would you afford childcare if you had to return to work without his income. (and no life insurance) ?

No right to widowed parents benefit or bereavement benefit.
No right to inherit state pension contributions.

NOT next of kin. Most of the time this is irrelevant- especially when a partner is conscious and wants to name you as such. No hospital will argue.. BUT if it came to something hideous like life support being switched off - his blood relative normally parents are next of kin or could make a legal challenge.
You as a 'partner' are not 'recognised' in any way by UK law. It holds no legal status.

Marriage holds all of it.

Can be done for £75 with no song or dance )literally).

Cannot imagine why anyone with children wouldn't. It's a large round of drinks fgs...

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:04:46

Cannot imagine why anyone with children wouldn't. It's a large round of drinks fgs...

Aren’t you listening? It’s because it’s cooooool not to get married and always have your own income... except that the person saying that was at one point a sahp ffs hmm.

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 19:04:47

Have a look into inheritance tax. I really don’t see that’s an overriding concern here. Sounds like the house will pass independently as its joint anyway.

Being married won’t stop things going tits up. If your husband decides to squirrel their assets away and leave them to someone else he’s perfectly entitled.

OP has two children that will always have a claim on dads estate. If he goes awol that’s a fair plan B.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:05:11

*and to always have your own income

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 19:06:05

@N0rdic, your partner could change the beneficiary of his pensions without telling you. As for its not being cool to marry someone for their money - who does that anyway? - it's not cool to leave yourself and your kids financially vulnerable or to pay IHT when there's no need.

NataliaOsipova Thu 14-Mar-19 19:07:29

I think the house is ok because it's in both names.

Agree with FuckertyBoo. How much is your house and assets worth? Look at IHT rules. Spouses are exempt; unmarried partners aren’t.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:07:40

True fox, I just find the “it’s uncool to get married” brigade a bit tiresome. It’s fine to do either, as long as you protect yourself.

It sounds like the op does want to get married, but on her and her dp’s own terms. Which I also totally get.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:08:46

You should look into IHT though. It is sometimes easier to “just” get married than to sort out the various legal protections without being married. But then you would lose your “cool” status so...

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 19:09:34

The next of kin scaremongering is bollocks.

SausageAndEgg Thu 14-Mar-19 19:10:27

I was a SAHM before marriage because I thought if he fucks me over I’ll just do it myself and not leach from him anyway. Depends if you trust him, but ultimately whether or not you’re willing to struggle your own if he does bugger you over.

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 19:10:40

OP hasn’t said she isn’t getting married. Just not right now.

It’s so perfectly possible to sort your finances out without the need for marriage.

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 19:12:49

And re ‘cool’ I used that term because a previous poster decided that getting married was the ‘cool’ thing to do. No it isn’t if you aren’t sorting out your own property, pension and career.

Without those and a husband who has none you’re way more screwed than somebody unmarried with all 3.

Marriage does not = security by default.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:14:55


If you had no income and your dp didn’t support you, how did you plan to... you know... feed your child?

I’m all for choice when it comes to marriage, but choosing not to ask the father of your children to support them financially is not right imo. Unless there’s some major reason for it, like you need to be totally NC with him.

kenandbarbie Thu 14-Mar-19 19:15:39

You don't seem to have a very good reason not to get married. Just do it. Protect yourself and your children. It's just one day and one event. Then you can enjoy your actual life every day for as many years as you want being a sahm.

TedAndLola Thu 14-Mar-19 19:15:47

Your children deserve protection. That's more important than you getting to sign a piece of paper while wearing a big white dress rather than signing now and wearing the big white dress next year.

Do the right thing for your babies.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:15:49

Without those and a husband who has none you’re way more screwed than somebody unmarried with all 3.

You’re bang on. But the op is talking about being a sahp. You know, like you were.

SausageAndEgg Thu 14-Mar-19 19:18:29

I have my own money and I had the ability to work had I needed to. I work now, from home, so I could have just done that if he decided to have a personality change and leave me or whatever.

I understand that marriage protects you but I think what’s equally(IMO more-so, but at the very least equally) important is knowing that you are strong enough on your own (should shit hit the fan) before you ever put yourself in a vulnerable position like that

kenandbarbie Thu 14-Mar-19 19:19:24

You're not your mum and dad. I don't understand why you'd compromise the lifestyle YOU want because their marriage didn't work out.

FullOfJellyBeans Thu 14-Mar-19 19:20:15

Could you have a quick legal wedding to give you some security and plan for a "proper" wedding at a later date.

HotpotLawyer Thu 14-Mar-19 19:21:02

The biggest risk is when you are a sahm, trash our career, do not have your name on the house, and get left high and dry with no right to a share of the house, maintenance for yourself, and you are back down to bottom rung on the career ladder. With no pension.

If your name is on the house, you intend to SAHM for just a couple of years and have a little nest egg, and the wills are sorted, then there isn't much risk.

SausageAndEgg Thu 14-Mar-19 19:22:15

I’m not totally against people getting married for this reason but what gets me is how the heck would you even approach that subject???! How would you even word it?

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 19:25:44

She owns her house, can get dp to continue paying into her pension and NI as a compromise. If her career is easy to get back on track as she says,not sure why a couple of years makes marriage crucial when she doesn’t want it.

BerryMenthol Thu 14-Mar-19 19:26:24

My Grandads brother died unmarried to his partner of 50 years. The house went to his siblings (my grandad included) and they signed it over to his partner but some nutters wouldn't have done that!

I know what you mean about shotgun weddings and I don't blame you for feeling like that. I was unmarried when I had my DC but I think its a risk staying at home unmarried so if I were you, I would have to go back to work.

Foxmuffin Thu 14-Mar-19 19:26:46


Totally agree. I am married and that gives me a degree of security and comfort.

But most comfort comes from being capable of being independent. Think this is pretty important and on the balance of things more important than being married.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:31:23

We have a joint insurance policy that will pay off the mortgage, I don't think he could change that without me knowing. He has a work policy too, I know I'm named on that now same as pension but obviously he could change it. But I'm guessing he'd only do that if he was thinking of leaving anyway and I'm not sure a short marriage would really give me a huge share of his pension would it? And he'd be allowed to change his life insurance if we split.

So worst case if we aren't married and split up, I'd get half the equity in the house and half the joint savings, is that right? He'd have no claim over my savings or pension nor me over his?

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:32:03

I understand that marriage protects you but I think what’s equally(IMO more-so, but at the very least equally) important is knowing that you are strong enough on your own (should shit hit the fan) before you ever put yourself in a vulnerable position like that

Absolutely! I agree and I don’t think anyone would argue that marriage is any sort of replacement for, for example, education, a career, saving for your retirement etc.

But the op is talking about becoming a sahm and hasn’t mentioned if she’s got a stash of money behind her or if she’s going to be reliant on her dp. If it’s the latter, then I’d want the additional protection marriage offers.

Re, how to you broach conversations like that; like you would anything. Dh and I discussed getting engaged loads before we actually did it. I didn’t just sit around waiting for him to do some big romantic proposal. We discussed it, decided it was the best option for us and did it.

I think I might be dead inside.... grin

Bloody love dh though. We just both happen to be the “let’s discuss and decide” when it comes to big life decisions. I never wanted to be swept off my feet by him with a proposal.

bridgetreilly Thu 14-Mar-19 19:37:40

OP, what it sounds like to me is: you know that there are a lot of good reasons to get married now and the only reason not to get married now is that you don't want to. I'm afraid that is the very definition of unreasonable.

Singlenotsingle Thu 14-Mar-19 19:38:35

The main thing is if the house is in joint names. Obviously Wills can be changed, but your share in the house is safe. Why don't you have a little Registry Office do, and then later have a big splash blessing with white dress and all the trimmings?

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:41:57

Our house is definitely ok, it goes to me if something happens to him and him if something happens to me. So that's ok.

I actually think my pension is worth more than his, he was self employed so hasn't had it as long. How would that work, would they cancel each other out or would he get some of mine? If we were married.

I wasn't even considering staying at home until this surprise pregnancy and really can't see me doing so for more than a few years, max.

Dp suggested putting all the savings into my name only. Would he not have any claim on it if we did that?

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 19:48:02

It's more than not wanting to though @bridgetreilly. I honestly don't think I'd be able to go through with it.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:50:31

Tbh op, based on your last post, I personally, really don’t see why you shouldn’t stay at home. Have your wedding on your own terms then, or not at all if you don’t fancy it!

But for the love of god, do NOT decide to get married or not to get married because it’s ‘cool’ <eyeroll>. We aren’t 15.

The only thing to consider would be your career. Could you go straight back to it after a break or is it the sort of industry where a few years is a long time?

Sitdownstandup Thu 14-Mar-19 19:50:39

Our house is definitely ok, it goes to me if something happens to him and him if something happens to me. So that's ok

Not so sure about that. If you're in England and Wales, it's probably a joint tenancy you're talking about. Either party can sever that without the other being able to stop them. You'd know, but you couldn't do anything about it. Once the joint tenancy is severed, you own as tenants in common and either of you can leave your share to whoever you want.

This is the sort of thing you need to know about your property ownership before deciding to rely on it.

GenderIsAPrison Thu 14-Mar-19 19:51:57

Yabvu OP

GenderIsAPrison Thu 14-Mar-19 19:53:17

And it seems OP is not listening to any of the advice here.

That is also, yabvu.

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 19:53:45

Do check everything out though op; IHT, pensions, property ownership etc. My understanding is that is almost always easier to just get married than to sort it all out without being married.

I would also ask your employer about a career break if you aren’t sure if you could just walk back into another job after a break.

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 19:55:04

And expecting somebody to get married when they really don’t want to isn’t unreasonable?hmm

N0rdicStar Thu 14-Mar-19 19:56:33

She doesn’t need to Gender. She has a good pension, a job she can return to and a house.

Sitdownstandup Thu 14-Mar-19 19:58:34

How much are you talking about in the way of savings OP? If it's only a few grand, that's a fuck off fund but it's not likely to compensate for the way in which your potential contribution as a SAHP could be taken into account in a divorce settlement. If it's a lot more money, maybe it would.

WRT your pension, if you're in England and Wales, if you got divorced it would all go into one pot. Pensions would be assets of the marriage as would property and savings. This is why it's important to think about what the assets are. The majority of women gain from being married because we on average are poorer than men, but if you have more assets then not necessarily.

Singlenotsingle Thu 14-Mar-19 19:59:07

She'll be fine. She's got her head screwed on. Unlike some people! shock

Alsohuman Thu 14-Mar-19 20:00:02

But she does want to get married. Just not when she's pregnant. Which seems bonkers to me. But it's no skin off my nose or anyone else's but hers.

NotReadyForThisX2 Thu 14-Mar-19 20:02:49

But I'd know @Sitdownstandup. So that would signal the end of our relationship. In which we'd go to the selling and splitting the equity, wouldn't we?
Although I think the mortgage company said we needed to inform them of any changes to tenancy too, so we'd potentially have to remortgage if he wanted to change things.

I was meaning if he suddenly dies that me and Ds are ok and the same applies if I suddenly die he's ok. (Financially at least anyway).

Mookatron Thu 14-Mar-19 20:06:49

You don't have to decide this until maternity leave with the second kid is finished, and I wouldn't decide about SAHM until you have to.

I personally wouldn't SAH unmarried. Actually I did for a year or so but I wouldn't recommend it. You are utterly dependent on this person for your livelihood and that affects the way you feel about yourself, married or not, but if you are married your role has some recognition in law. This is quite apart from all the legal stuff which is sorted in one swoop and without which you are deciding to leave yourself very vulnerable. What you don't want to end up in is a situation where he leaves you and you've no income or you want to leave but can't because you're not entitled to anything.

To make sure you're NI contributions are kept up to date sign up for child benefit and pay back through tax if you're over the threshold.

I actually wouldn't advise anyone to SAH. It has advantages for the kids and for the working partner but is not really a good deal for the SAHP.

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