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AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

(173 Posts)
WhatsAppRemoval Thu 14-Mar-19 14:11:09

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 14:13:36

Oh tricky. I suppose if you want rid of her, you could set up a new group without her. But I’d also be concerned, as you seem to be, if she’s ok...

Maybe message her and say you’re starting a new WhatsApp group and would she like to be on it?

ShirleyPhallus Thu 14-Mar-19 14:14:21

Oooooh I LOVE being a silent person in s group. Like you get all the best gossip and don’t have to participate. Once I got added to a holiday group which was definitely a mistake and just sat quietly cos it was a bit awkward to point out they didn’t want me on their hols.

Anyway, just remove her, she can get in touch with you if she wants back in.

HoneysuckIejasmine Thu 14-Mar-19 14:15:12

I'd just be blunt. Explain you (as a collective) aren't comfortable with a lurker in such a group, and unless she engages within X timeframe, you'll remove her.

Or, just remove her now and let her come to you if she thinks she should be in. 🤷

FuckertyBoo Thu 14-Mar-19 14:15:30

Use that^^ to try and start a conversation and she if she’s alright.

It could be that she just cba with the group, but YY, why not just mute you in that case? Though, when I mute groups, I end up going into them to stop all the unread message number things popping up on my WhatsApp. They annoy me, so I click on the group to get rid of them without really reading.

Alloverar Thu 14-Mar-19 14:15:31

She's rude. Just remove her.

Smoggle Thu 14-Mar-19 14:16:13

Just remove her, I'm confused as to why you wouldn't?

GabriellaMontez Thu 14-Mar-19 14:20:52

If you're really worried just ring her. Otherwise do a new group.

multiplemum3 Thu 14-Mar-19 14:20:58

Me and my friends had someone who did this, she always knew what we were up to but never replied. It was weird so we removed her.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends Thu 14-Mar-19 14:21:27

She's rude and rather creepy. Remove her. She obviously isn't interested as people have private messaged and been ignored. If she wants to be included she can always message someone to add her back in.

underneaththeash Thu 14-Mar-19 14:23:32

Did her baby arrive safely? If you definitely know that she did, I would remove her.

Flowersonthewall Thu 14-Mar-19 14:25:12

Just start a new group!

Whatsforu Thu 14-Mar-19 14:26:31

Sounds like your person has another thread going on hear at the moment. She wants out, win win!!!!!

WhatsAppRemoval Thu 14-Mar-19 14:28:15

@HoneysuckIejasmine - I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking for everyone; a few of us have discussed it in person, but we never all meet in person at once these days and we haven't discussed it on the whatsapp.

@GabriellaMontez - isn't phoning just intrusive when she's ignoring our messages?

@underneaththeash - we don't know. That's one theory, that maybe something happened. If that were the case, maybe it's bad for her mental health to watch our group?

Whatsforu Thu 14-Mar-19 14:29:37


WinterHeatWave Thu 14-Mar-19 14:31:56

It creates much less bad feeling if you just start a new group, and message each other there rather than remove her.

GabriellaMontez Thu 14-Mar-19 14:32:46

I think going round and hammering on the door would be intrusive.
Since when is a phone call intrusive? She doesn't have to answer.

Karwomannghia Thu 14-Mar-19 14:33:54

Something very similar happened in a group I’m in. Someone started a new one.

MountPheasant Thu 14-Mar-19 14:35:46

Just remove her. If she messages and asks why, explain. Doesn’t need to be a drama.

sackrifice Thu 14-Mar-19 14:37:44

'Hi. I am slimming down the group tomorrow to people that haven't participated in the last 3 months. Thanks all'.

reallyanotherone Thu 14-Mar-19 14:42:04

Send her a message. Tell her you’re removing her as she’s not responded in x months/years.

If she still wants to be part of the group ask her to reply and let you know.

No reply, remove.

Then she can’t say you removed her without warning.

MotherOfDragonite Thu 14-Mar-19 14:44:28

I'd just start a new group elsewhere and not say anything on the existing group, or to her. If she misses it, she can say something!

mummyodell Thu 14-Mar-19 14:45:53

If this lady did not announce the birth of her baby and is quietly sat reading the messages without replying, I would assume something has happened and it may be too painful for her to talk about. If you went to classes together then your babies would all be the same age and I am assuming no one has even seen this lady since? I would send a private message to her and say you are worried and you would like to know that she ok. If no reply. Move on and start a new group. Don't delete her though.

Nomorepies Thu 14-Mar-19 14:47:34

You need to remove her. She’s a stranger but she’s effectively got access to everyone in the group- their private information, addresses maybe, when they’re on holiday and information about their children.

She’s had plenty of time, she’s lurking and not interacting. Remove her. Not sure why you even need to ask or why you let it go on for a year!

NWQM Thu 14-Mar-19 14:48:05

To be honest I think that you can just delete a lurker but if you are unsure perhaps - as it's been over a year - you could you just ask everyone - very positively - if they want the group to continue / widen out to more people etc.

Say that to save memory space you'll be archiving this group and starting a fresh so everyone should download any photos etc that they want and let you know by responding by x date that they want to be part of the new group.

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