to think that this mum is continuing to be glaringly rude?(81 Posts)
This is a big mess and I need some impartial advice please!
We live in a village - it's a small place in every sense - we are all in each others' pockets. The children are early primary aged and I know most mums with children of that age who live here at least to see. Anyhow, there has always been one particular child who was a bit hitty compared to the others. Not the devil you understand - just a big-for-his-age boy with some big feelings. So as it was none of my business, and as I have just the one, quiet, sweet girl, (who has never hit anyone ever) - I kept my nose well out of it when the other mothers remarked.... as I understood I'd just been lucky and had no useful advice.
So last summer we were out in a big group on a picnic. My daughter suddenly returned to me distraught. She was so upset I'd thought she'd been stung! It transpired that hitty-mum had overheard her saying she didn't want to play with hitty-child and taken her to task over what a horrible, mean child she was.
Just to be fair, she admits she did say this to her friend - she doesn't like playing with him for obv reasons. And it was only a verbal bollocking.... and yes, she is a sensitive soul who is scared of the second Harry Potter film. Raised it calmly with the other mother a few days later and she replied that my daughter had been mean and "deserved" to be upset. Then she swore at me.
So that went well So obviously I have been trying to keep out of her way a bit. However in such a small place, it is really hard, as we sit on the same committees and so on. Since the incident, she ignores me pointedly. So in a room with a handful of mums sitting round a table, she won't respond to anything I say - like I'm invisible.
My friend thinks I should just ignore it back, but aibu to find this intolerably rude and unacceptable. I'm quite a shy person and it makes me really uncomfortable. Hit me some honest advice. I need it.
She’s a dick. Smile and nod and disengage.
Continue what you're doing. Be professional on committees and polite in social situations. Everybody will see she is the one behaving like a child and you will come out looking like the better person. Which you are!
Alternatively you could ask her for a drink or lunch to sort things out, but she sounds too immature for that.
Yes she's rude and if I'm being honest it sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree as far as her DS is concerned. She's going to come up against this more and more as the kids get older and make their feelings about this child clear.
I am not a diplomatic person so feel free to ignore, but I would be inclined next time she ignores you publicly, at a meeting for example, directly ignores you, you politely ask her why she's doing it, what the problem is. Bat it back to her.
I think your friend is right. Realistically what could you say that wouldn't precipitate things with a person like that?
I would continue to be cheerful and well mannered and maintain the moral high ground.
She's being utterly unreasonable. You can either call her out by saying 'what do you think, Violet?' when you say things in meetings and she ignores you, potentially starting a fight which would at least get things in the open, or you can literally pretend she didn't exist as far as you're concerned. Whichever feels best. She's obviously not going to respond to a reasoned chat is she.
I’d ask her pointedly if she’d heard you when she’s ignoring you.
She pretty much has to reply then. If she doesn’t then people will see how ridiculously petty she is being and if she does but it’s sometging snotty I’d ask her to explain what’s wrong.
I imagine she’s less likely to lash out when people are around, unless she’s known for being a nightmare.
Very difficult because you can't force her to be polite or friends.
I'll be watching for good suggestions here because I am also ignored by another parent. It's irritating because people imagine we've had some kind of teenage falling out. In reality I don't know why she ignores me... as well as uncomfortable.
I had two DC who never, ever hit another child and got hit by others... followed by DC3 who went through a long hitting / pushing phase.
It’s tricky being on both sides, but IMO it is worse to be the mother of the hitter. It’s so stressful to feel that others are judging your parenting and hating your child, and to try so hard to stop him without success.
She shouldn’t have told off your DD, and she should have moved past this long ago, but at the same time I can understand her finding it very upsetting to overhear that conversation. I still remember leaving a toddler group in tears when I overheard a mum make a comment about my DC3. (Incidentally my DC3 is now a lovely gentle well-behaved 9yo.)
I would do as your friend suggests and ignore her.
I think overhearing another mum having a conversation is quite different from hearing another child have it. You need to control yourself and be the adult in that situation, however hard it is. I understand its difficult but many things are.
Do you know what she ACTUALLY said to your daughter? The reason I ask is this:
When I was at primary school, I was the sensitive child (cried at leaver's assemblies even when it wasn't me leaving etc). My parents went up the school once as, apparently (bit young to remember), I'd come home in a state as the teacher had called me a nasty name. It turns out, after my parents spoke to said teacher, that he'd called me 'Goldilocks' (no unreasonable given my hair at the time).
My point is that sometimes having an adult speak to you can be scary when you're a kid and, if you're particularly sensitive, it might not actually take much to set you off.
As it happens I ended up getting a bit of a 'life's tough' lesson from my parents who didn't want to raise a snowflake (not a term that was banded about back then) so probably didn't do any harm!
Just ignore her back. Her child hits people. And she’s prob aware of it. I wouldn’t give her a second thought
Yes probably best to ignore her, she sounds a nightmare. I like to tackle situations though so I’d pull her to one side and ask her what her —fucking— problem is. Although that might not go to plan with someone like her, especially if you’re quiet like you say you are OP.
The children are mixed ages mostly reception to year 2 with some younger children. Both my daughter and the boy were 6 last summer.
The actual swearing was "stupid bitch". She said it quite audibly in my hearing as she walked away from me. It was in the playground before the children had come out, and there were lots of parents around. It was awful. I wanted to be brave and speak to her directly as I'd tried to findout what had happened using whats app, and was gobsmacked when she replied my daughter deserved to be upset. I thought it would be more fruitful to be face to face. She was aggressive throughout. It was horrible - I came away shaking.
Thank you for all the replies. I'm really grateful for all the advice. I'm going to read them all through again and consider the ideas.
Oh my you could have some fun with this. Keep raising genuine and serious points in the committee meetings and then address her directly to ask what she thinks.
Well she sounds lovely, doesn't she? I wonder where the lad's aggression comes from?
I wouldn't want to spend another minute thinking about what this woman said to you. It says a lot more about her than it does about you OR your LO. Some people are determined to be miserable, nasty and aggressive. I say let them be - they'll give themselves wrinkles and ulcers, just swan on in your quiet and dignified way. The opinions of such a person matter less than a gnat's fart in a hurricane.
Surely you must be quite glad that she isn’t interacting with you?
If I were you, I'd go with the advice that the others have suggested along with a huge dollop of what @Karigan195 has suggested. Address her directly in the committee meetings, "Well, we've discussed the new surface of the playground but I'd be very interested in what SillyBitch thinks about the solution....well???"
"We're putting this suggestion to a vote but before we do that, has everyone's opinion been heard on the matter, what say you SillyBitch?"
You could still emerge as the better person and she will be found out, sooner than later.
I've been in a village on committees with years of primary school ahead of me and some real pieces of work amongst other parents. Just carry on as you are, although please don't describe your own child as a "sensitive soul" which is usually derogatory - she's not more or less sensitive just because she objects to being hit and told off by a random adult. I'd put let her form teacher know too just in case. A boy shouldn't be "hitty" which is an odd description - if this is going on then the school are enabling it; mother on the PTA by any chance?!
Have you told your dd not to play or interact with her child?
It’s very unusual for a six year old to announce this in front of parents.
Could it be there is much more to this story?
You sound very judgemental - your daughter is sweet, harmless etc and he is hitty with big feelings.
There is lots of negative judgement in your post.
I don't think you should address her directly to force her to respond publicly. Do it if you particularly need a reply from her for whatever reason, but not just to force her hand. It will look odd and if anyone else is aware of the atmosphere, you will seem like a troublemaker.
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