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AIBU to cancel the wedding?

(81 Posts)
PurpleFresias Thu 14-Mar-19 11:45:36

NC'd but long time mumsnetter

Been with partner for 3 years, wedding planned for this summer. He is a kind and loving man who dotes me and his DC.

For some time and to varying degrees I have become concerned about his drinking. Don't get me wrong, I like a glass (or four) or wine too, but not in secrecy. I confronted him over his 'secret' drinking a few months ago, he admitted it, said he would stop, but didn't follow up on my suggestions to seek help. (I know, I didn't cause it and can't cure it!). We started having more days with no drinking, but he has returned to drinking most days, sometimes excessively.

Fast forward to this week when I notice drinks are going missing and confront him again. I tell him I can no longer believe him as it's a repeat of the previous conversation, don't believe he can just stop, and ultimately I don't want to married to an alcoholic, or worse one who is in denial. This time he offers to get professional help, and has started the process.

Although I'm excited about the wedding, I wonder if we should cancel/postpone it now. . During our discussion this week I said we would make no further spend on the wedding in the coming month or so to assess where we were at. I now think that it's impossible highly unlikely that we'll be any clearer as to how much progress he is making in such a short time frame, against the shortened timeframe for the wedding.

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

I'm kidding myself, aren't I?

ChampagneCommunist Thu 14-Mar-19 11:47:28

At the very least, postpone it. He needs time to undertake treatment and you need time to see if he's serious and if the treatment work.

AntiHop Thu 14-Mar-19 11:47:41

I'd postpone.

peachgreen Thu 14-Mar-19 11:48:31

Definitely cancel the wedding. It's great that he's getting help and I agree it's worth seeing how that progresses (providing there's no other issues in the relationship) before making a decision about your future but it would be crazy to get married right now. Not least because being married to an alcoholic - even a sober one - is a big decision and you need time to consider it. Best of luck OP.

GarthFunkel Thu 14-Mar-19 11:50:29

You're not ready to get married because he's lying about drinking. Cancel what you have sorted and if he makes changes, you can re-book for another time because as you say, a month isn't long enough.

Boulshired Thu 14-Mar-19 11:51:05

He is an alcoholic if he wants to stop and cannot. As someone who married a gambling addict who managed to control it for a few months prior to our wedding, it came back immediately. You do not have enough time before the wedding to know how big the problem is.

PurpleFresias Thu 14-Mar-19 11:51:23

Thanks - seeing it in black and white, makes it real/obvious what I should do. We were also going to pay off his mortgage with the proceeds from the sale of my property in the next couple of months. I think I need to take a rain check on that too.

WarpedGalaxy Thu 14-Mar-19 11:54:07

Yes. You are. He won’t stop until hewants to stop and the odds are he’ll never want to stop because the booze is more important to him than anything else including you, dc, your home, his job and his own health. 10 years from now you don’t want to be in the position I was in, still waiting and hoping he’d keep that promise he kept making longer than 2 months (my ex’s record) or even 2 weeks or even 2 fucking hours so you could go for an evening out without him being already half-cut before you left the house.

Sorry, but the only one who can change him is him and you either stay and suck that up or you take care of you and you walk away. My advice? Walk away - now.

thedisorganisedmum Thu 14-Mar-19 11:54:42

I would postpone too and hope that it will shock him enough to get himself sorted, but only him can decide and can do it.

kingfisherblue33 Thu 14-Mar-19 11:57:05

Actually, I worry about our whole relationship, not just the wedding.

You have your answer. Don't get married if you already have reservations and doubts about the relationship.

GabriellaMontez Thu 14-Mar-19 11:59:57

Don't sell the property!

Sounds like things could get worse before they get better. You may need to leave.

lmusic87 Thu 14-Mar-19 12:00:24

I'm so sorry - sounds stressful.

I agree, postpone and have a real discussion with him, he needs professional help.

PurpleFresias Thu 14-Mar-19 12:05:57

GabrielleaMontez I've already sold! We were going to buy another property together, but this is on hold, so was going to put my funds to good use. Looks like they'll be staying in the bank in case I need to leave. I realy hope it doesn't come to that.

GladAllOver Thu 14-Mar-19 12:09:51

Alcohol is a powerful drug - its influence is even stronger than love. He can never be devoted to you while he is under its control.
I've seen it destroy a marriage.
Hopefully your postponement/cancellation of the wedding will be the trigger for him to get properly treated.

GabriellaMontez Thu 14-Mar-19 12:15:54

Oh... really hope you can work something out. But doesn't sound like he wants to yet. So continue to protect yourself.

Glower Thu 14-Mar-19 12:16:13

My friend postponed her wedding this year. The whole thing was in a hotel so they just moved all the room and venue bookings to the same weekend next year, it wasn’t too much trouble and no one minded. flowers

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Thu 14-Mar-19 12:20:03

I'd postpone it all too. Even if he does get help, and it goes well weddings are often trigger points for relapse

MaidofEyes Thu 14-Mar-19 12:20:39

From experience of two members of my family - he will only stop drinking when he actually wants to. This might be tomorrow or it might be when his body has shut done and he's about to die.

The drinking is often (not always) a byproduct of depression or anxiety. If this is the case, this needs to be treated before the drinking will stop.

People do come out the other side of this, but if you don't have DC together, I would walk away. You could be in for years of problems and it will be really hard on all of you.

Loopytiles Thu 14-Mar-19 12:21:26

Cancel, and rethink the relationship too. sad

Loopytiles Thu 14-Mar-19 12:22:36

Keep your savings.

LividLaughLove Thu 14-Mar-19 12:23:38

Been there. Done that.

Got the divorce and the dead ex to show for it.

Mitzimaybe Thu 14-Mar-19 12:23:43

He lies and minimises and is doing the bare minimum to keep you on the hook. He has only agreed to seek help because you've given him an ultimatum. Unless he really, seriously wants to help himself, you are on a hiding to nothing. He probably doesn't see it as a problem, yet. He thinks he is in control and that you are being unreasonable.

Please don't marry him unless you want the rest of your life to be like this (and worse - it will definitely get worse.)

AcrossthePond55 Thu 14-Mar-19 12:29:34

I'd never legally tie myself to anyone with an addiction, period.

Cancel the wedding, keep your money separate (and that means no joint finances), and think seriously about whether or not this is the way you want to live for the next 40-50 years. Then decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

Yes, some addicts do manage to clean up and stay sober/straight. And I say more credit to them!! But it's still a hard life for their families.

userxx Thu 14-Mar-19 12:34:25

Do not marry him and do not hand over any money.

Lunde Thu 14-Mar-19 12:37:29

Definitely cancel and rethink the relationship.

Do not risk losing your money by sharing finances with an alcoholic who is in denial.

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