Is this the end of us...(67 Posts)
Hi mum's and possibly dad's
I'm a single parent been seeing a single parentdad for almost 4 yrs now. We don't live together due to the reason he won't commit. I think it's because of the son he has. He has a son with complex special needs. Now this child is now 13 but has the age of a6 Yr old of that but his son seems to have alot of influence on the father's life. I don't just say this to sound mean but he more or less controls his father to the extent that if the child doesn't want to go then they don't. The child will make a big fuss if they we do go even if it's on walks which ruins everything for us all. Meals out we used to go but now we don't because his son will make a fuss if he doesn't get a big enough piece of cake or no cake if he doesn't eat his main....I always seem the one to blame as its me saying no. So I'm the bad one in his sons eyes as dad would of allowed that..
I've tried with the child and even payed out for holidays abroad days out to theme parts meals you name it I've paid for us all and no asked for a single penny towards it.
It was my bf birthday whilst we was abroad and because the child wanted to go back to the room and his father said no he threw a drink in his face. After threatening him him to do so and saying you don't think I will do it do you and he did. We was in shock te child was told off but this is the only time I have ever seen this in the whils time I've been with him.
Times gone on and the child just seems to be getting worse playing us off each other. I have rules which are not strict which many parents have and I have to stick to them as I have a child aswell. Which follows them no biscuits or afters if you don't eat your meal. Internet goes off after a certain time etc etc..
I'm always made out to be the bad one for implying the rules in my home. Or by stepping in if the child is trying to rule the parent like saying we are going after this cup of tea... But after he's said it many times...
My bf mother is a big part in her sons and grandsons life and has now also started to interfere.. Saying he shouldn't be bringing his son here and only be with me when his son isn't about but isn't that giving in to the child and giving him more power. Doesn't the parent have a life.... This makes me feel totally used in a way only wanted when it suits his needs.. Just because the son seems to get jealous and plays up causing problems so I tell him to stop...
Now over the yrs I've been through hell I had a miscarriage and then a month later lost a very close family member through a tragic accident which knocked me emotionally and still does. I also opened Pandora box to my past as I opened up to my bf and he said go to the police. During this time the bf had a mental breakdown and ended up being sectioned another emotional time for me. But I stood by him every step of the way but again I got the blame.. For being a emotional wreck over the events I've explained..
Now another blow to me my father has cancer and only has limited time so I'm exhausted looking after him aswell as my child.. I'm reaching out to my bf for help and support but because I'm also lashing out he's not interested... He says I have to be nice to have him around and its not his fault my father is sick and I shouldn't take it out on him. I just want his to hug me when I cry instead and standing there looking at me... And yes this is the reason I lash out because I'm reaching out for him and he just doesn't seem to care. He seems so selfish...
Please help me I love him to bits I just don't know what to do for the best... AIBU or is he...
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Honestly, I'd walk.
He HAS to put his sons needs first and whether because of his complex needs or the parenting he has, that doesn't sound compatible with the life you want with you'd child.
Now you're upset about your Dad, understandably, and he can't give you the support that you need.
When you say you lash out at him, in what way?
You need to walk away. You resent his son.
“The child”?! Interesting way to refer to your partner’s son. It’s not your place to tell him what he can and can’t have for dinner. Why are you doing that?
And stop “lashing out”, try talking about how you feel and what you need like an adult.
The situation sounds fraught and stressful and very dysfunctional. If he’s so selfish and you despise his son and resent his mother, feel your financial contributions aren’t appreciated, don’t feel emotionally supported, why on Earth are you with him? Surely the incessant drama is only distracting you from your own child?
This is never going to be the relationship that you want or need, so end it.
I agree that he has to be a Parent who 8s responsive to his son's needs, not just working to rules, which you struggle to understand.
He doesn't really want to commit to a relationship. He is giving his all to his Son and there's nothing left for you.
It isn't good enough, you are wasting your time.
when two people have such different parenting styles it is always going to be a battle, a long hard battle that often ends badly, and as it seems you have really tried and have other stresses in your life.... do you really want to keep this going?
none of us can answer this one for you, i guess all you can do is weigh up what you get out of this and if he cant be supportive to you... dont you think you deserve more?
Sounds as though you've both got a hell of a lot on your plates. The bf's overwhelmed with his DS and the demands of looking after him, and there just isn't enough left to support you as well. I'm not sure why you're imposing your rules on the boy when you don't even live with the bf? That is just causing more problems - and the lashing out really is making things ten times worse! No wonder the bf had a breakdown and had to be hospitalized!
Sorry but you come across as a nightmare, OP. For everyone's sake, just end it now.
Who said you were? You’re the one saying you lash out. What do you mean by that?
I impose the rules in my own home not his... AND BLAME ME FOR HIS BREAKDWN HOW DARE YOU
OP, you posted in AIBU presumably to get feedback and now that some posters are giving you their honest opinion, you're shouty-typing at them too. Leave your partner and his son to it - they sound like they have a comfortable little set up between them and it doesn't sound like you add any value to it, nor do they seem to bring any joy to you.
So I'm the bad one in his sons eyes as dad would of allowed that..
Why on Earth are you over ruling the child’s father when you are out for a meal?
You need to stop “stepping in” with the child. Let his parent parent him. If you don’t like the way he parents him then walk away.
Not blaming you OP - just saying that it sounds as though the whole situation has taken him to breaking point. And don't shout!
Blimey... You asked for advice.
Eating out and being on holiday (no matter who pays) isn’t having dinner in your house. His dad can decide what he gets to eat.
Why doesn’t your partner’s mother think you should be spending time with her grandson?
This is like the goady step child post last night that was pulled
You don't sound like you're in the right mindset to be with anybody at the moment, but certainly not with a single parent who needs to prioritise a child with additional needs.
Do the decent thing and walk away and focus on your own life
It sounds like your bf’s mother is right. You have your rules and that’s fine, but your bf needs to do right by his son and if bringing him to your house just cause rows and upset then he should stop doing that until such point as your child is old enough to understand that your rules and bf’s rules are different and that’s ok.
If you aren’t a troll OP, you’re not very nice.
So if that's the case why does the nana also impose the same rules that I have in her home and whilst staying at her sons with her grandson
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