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When the NRP stops paying...

(351 Posts)
ThePlaceToVent Wed 13-Mar-19 23:39:22

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

Stompythedinosaur Wed 13-Mar-19 23:44:05

Go through CSA.

He is a dickhead.

timeisnotaline Wed 13-Mar-19 23:49:00

Will you get nothing through csa? I suppose I would text ‘ok thanks. I’ll tell ds you have decided to stop supporting his studying and that he should call you to ask why as I don’t know’
But not sure re options to be able to afford it sad.

ThePlaceToVent Wed 13-Mar-19 23:49:06

I can’t go through the CSA they no longer exist.

If I go through the CMA I will get next to nothing.

LikeYouSaid Wed 13-Mar-19 23:51:10

@ThePlaceToVent next to nothing is still something, though.

Agree with @timeisnotaline about what to say to him though.

reindeermania Wed 13-Mar-19 23:53:30

I think time is not a line has is. You can't afford it. Dh has made his choice apparently. Pay the blame at his door. In writing, for da to reference I'd need be

ThePlaceToVent Wed 13-Mar-19 23:56:31


I have gone down that route (politely)

Reply “That’s fine X knows how little money I earn and how much I give you and him. He’ll understand”

My reply “That’s pretty off discussing that with a young person who has absolutely no grasp of what life costs and who is anxious about the world around him. He has also always seen how hard I have always worked and sees me working and going to evening classes - still now. Yet you expect a medal for contributing a paltry £40 week toward his unbringing for the last 17 years. Pretty sure <your other son> costs you a lot more.”

Babyroobs Thu 14-Mar-19 00:07:28

I guess he just may not be able to pay if his wife has had to give up work through ill health ? He has paid for 16 years so clearly something has happened now meaning he can't? Does your son claim DLA ? Pip ? if he has significant care needs then that may be a way of getting extra financial help for him?

ThePlaceToVent Thu 14-Mar-19 00:10:41

Thats like me saying to the bank “sorry I just can’t pay my mortgage” isn’t it?

And no my son does not get anything no.

He said “I shall give it to you after I have paid everything else I need to once I have some money“.

sweeneytoddsrazor Thu 14-Mar-19 00:20:54

I would say if he has paid it every week for 16 years then he is very obviously struggling at this moment with a cash flow problem. Ok it makes things tough but playing the blame game is pointless. It doesnt sound like he has just decided to stop paying in order to live the high life whilst you struggle with no help.

ThePlaceToVent Thu 14-Mar-19 00:24:13

The thing that is pissing me off is that he has paid a paltry amount for 16 yrs (and no something is not better than nothing I cannot decide to not support my child - I had to step up).

Is that years ago he lowered it to something ridiculous while him and his now wife moved into his mothers summer house to save for a mortgage.

He then agreed to the train fare last Sep and is now dicking me about.

I can’t magic money out of thin air either.

ThePlaceToVent Thu 14-Mar-19 00:24:49

*paying no rent

ThePlaceToVent Thu 14-Mar-19 00:27:34

If I suddenly said to him “this train fare we agreed to pay together - I can’t pay it even though I know you don’t have that money but I am just going to lay this on you to sort out”

quizqueen Thu 14-Mar-19 00:31:02

With money being tight, you could have told your son he had to chose a course nearer home or get a p/time job to help pay for the travel.

needthisthread Thu 14-Mar-19 00:47:34

With money being tight, you could have told your son he had to chose a course nearer home or get a p/time job to help pay for the travel.

Yeah. Blame the OP hmm

I think the fact he has paid for years is not really relevant. It is needed now. I can't stop paying any of my bills simply because I have paid them previously without any issue. The fact is he should want to help his son get on in life.

The idea that the son should choose a course closer (which would not be what he wanted to do) to suit his fathers lack of support is awful.

sweeneytoddsrazor Thu 14-Mar-19 00:48:18

But it sounds as though his circumstances have changed unfortunately not that he has just decided to stop paying

lyralalala Thu 14-Mar-19 00:52:40

If he’s not making any money and his wife has had to give up her work for health reasons he may not be able to magic it out of thin air any more than you can. It’s unlikely after 16 years we decided to be a dick.

Have you checked your sons entitlement to everything? PIP, ESA or college hardship fund?

How old is your DS?

lyralalala Thu 14-Mar-19 00:52:51

He, not we.

lyralalala Thu 14-Mar-19 00:54:33

* It is needed now. I can't stop paying any of my bills simply because I have paid them previously without any issue. The fact is he should want to help his son*

If your circumstances change drastically then benefits step into help, and sometimes bills do have to go unpaid if you simply don’t have it. People can’t magic cash if their circumstances change - if they could repossession wouldn’t happen, debt recovery companies wouldn’t exist etx

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 14-Mar-19 00:57:43

If he doesn’t pay, what is your son going to do about college? As he’s self employed there isn’t much you can do so it’s worth looking at all the options. If your son is going to college can he also get a pt job? If you can’t afford transport and neither can his dad then he needs to have a back up plan. You have every right to be annoyed but I don’t think bringing your ex’s other child into things will help. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy but his wife is so sick she can’t work and he’s low earning and self employed so he may be struggling hard to make ends meet and while he shouldn’t be letting your son down, if he hasn’t got it then he hasn’t got it.

Smotheroffive Thu 14-Mar-19 01:22:10

I don't understand how pp think that DS suddenly somehow doesn't require financial support anymore.

DS doesn't suddenly disappear and not need financial support!!

Yes, contact CMS, they will do an immediate assessment.

I wouldn't bother speaking to someone again that calls you a cunt for expecting he would honour his responsibilities.

He doesn't seem to give a damn about how his own DC is going to manage, and happy to leave him high and dry. Shocking

timeisnotaline Thu 14-Mar-19 01:25:52

I guess- check entitlements at the college, any hardship funds. It’s half of 110 a month for how long? Would a one off loan or credit card or maybe grandparents of about 500 cover it ? After you tell ds why of course and let him help brainstorm , part of being adult for him (the thinking through options bit not the let down by dad bit)

ThePlaceToVent Thu 14-Mar-19 07:33:18

His wife gave up work 5 years ago and he went self employed at the same time.

I don’t know what is wrong with her.

He’s obviously having s few lean months but last September was really encouraging DS to go to college further away rather than close and now, as usual I am left carrying the can.

Phineyj Thu 14-Mar-19 07:43:13

Contact the college asap and explain the situation. They are likely to have a hardship fund. They won't want to lose a student at this stage due to train fare.

swingofthings Thu 14-Mar-19 07:43:30

Can your son claim PIP? Ultimately if it wasn't for his disabilities, he would have to find a PT job now.

I agree that if he's paid without a hitch for 26 years something has happened and clearly your attitude that you don't care, you just want the money is not going to help communication.

Maintenance can stop at any time due to circumstances. As already said, pwc in these instances csn claim benefits to make it up, nrp cant do so taking the child into account.

You need to calm down, try yo understand what he can pay and for how long and then work out how else you can get financial help for your son.

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