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MIL ridiculous to be upset about this??

(206 Posts)
newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:23:08

I've posted about my MIL before under an old name, and this is a bit of a WWYD / AIBU.

For context, DH is 29 and has lived independently since the age of 18 (university) after which he never went home (to a small quiet town) and instead moved to a big city with his job, which is about 2.5 hours away from mil and where we both live. We / he visits mil every few weeks and she comes to us every few months.

Mil has 7 children (!) of which DH is the eldest. The others (nearly all adults, some teens) all live with her (no fil in the picture). She has always had trouble dealing with DH being independent and not being her baby anymore. It's obvious that her identity is all about motherhood and unfortunately she doesn't do anything for herself, have any hobbies, or socialising at all, apart from look after them, cook, clean etc and seems to live through their lives. I think this is really sad but I am looking in from the sidelines and there's not much I can say. DH thinks the same about the situation and does try to encourage her to do other things but nothing changes.

Recently DH was sorting through some life admin and looking at a subscription / membership for a magazine which he first set up years ago when he was about 17 (geeky hobby related). He decided he was no longer interested in it and wanted to cancel the quarterly subscription but when he phoned up it turned out the subscription was in his Mum's name (mil). She must have set it up for him when he was younger because he was under 18. The magazine company refused to speak to him as he was not the named account holder, and so later that day I rang up and pretended to be his Mum to cancel the subscription. All they asked was if I would 'authorise' them to speak to DH, and then DH took the phone and took about 2 minutes to cancel it, no big deal.

DH spoke to mil on the phone last night, to catch up and arrange details for a forthcoming family wedding. He mentioned in passing he had cancelled the subscription, and mil was really sad and upset about it! First of all she said 'why on earth didn't you ask me to phone and cancel instead of petal', the answer to which was that I live in the same house as DH and it made sense! (I don't think mil was worried about the legality of it or anything as it was only a trivial matter and wasn't like we were on the phone to HMRC posing as her or something. It was more about the fact that he didn't come to her for help.) She then went on to say "it's so sad, I've been looking after that subscription for you for over ten years," and he said she was on the verge of tears! AIBU to think WTF?!!?

Next she asked if she could add him on Facebook and Instagram. DH said he doesn't really use them much (which is true). She also asked if she could see his LinkedIn - FFS! - and DH said he would rather not add his Mum as a contact as it's for his work and his his acquaintances are all professional! Anyway, after the phone call she still sent friendship / add requests! DH's sibling tells him mil set up brand new accounts especially to add DH and said she wanted to see his photos.

DH started a new job in January and mil began asking him about his salary. He said something vague like 'it's a nice step up' and she asked for the figure. This is an interesting one as I don't know how people feel about sharing salary details with their parents (?), and I'm sure it depends on how close you are, but in the context of her behaviour it just got my goat a bit and I thought she was out of order to ask for full details!

Finally DH's brother (27) is hoping to move out and has been looking at flats in a town near mil. Mil was upset about this and saying it was 'ridiculous' as how would sibling manage all his laundry and cooking...!

This is in the context of a history of this type of stuff. As you can tell I am ranting and letting off steam!

FenellaMaxwell Wed 13-Mar-19 18:27:50

Actually I think that’s quite rude - I would be annoyed if someone rang up somebody pretending to be me without asking. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be friends with her son on Facebook either. You don’t like her very much, do you?

newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:28:49

fenella I think it's about the context

PurpleDaisies Wed 13-Mar-19 18:30:24

The magazine company refused to speak to him as he was not the named account holder, and so later that day I rang up and pretended to be his Mum to cancel the subscription. All they asked was if I would 'authorise' them to speak to DH, and then DH took the phone and took about 2 minutes to cancel it, no big deal.

I’d be really pissed off with someone pretending to be me.

Sirzy Wed 13-Mar-19 18:32:32

From your examples I am with fenella

However your response to her suggests this is going to be an “I am right no matter what” type of AIBU

ThreeBagsFullofWool Wed 13-Mar-19 18:32:36

You come across as sneering down your nose at your MIL having dedicated her life to raising her this probably won't go well.

FenellaMaxwell Wed 13-Mar-19 18:33:39

Yes and in the context you have given, you were rude.

Singlenotsingle Wed 13-Mar-19 18:33:57

MIL needs to let go. All those children are going to grow up and leave home sooner or later. She's going to be bereft, unless the grandchildren start to arrive (but there's no guarantee that the dils will want such close interference).

newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:34:18

With respect Purple I think that's ridiculous, and missing the point of the post. It was a 2 second, "yes" and "yes that's fine" over the phone to a hobby mag company. Even mil wasn't annoyed about that part.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Wed 13-Mar-19 18:35:19

I suspect you and your DH were deliberately trying to take care of the situation yourselves because you both find her so overbearing. Based on what you've said, I don't blame you!

Geminijes Wed 13-Mar-19 18:36:27

You don't like your MIL, that's your choice but you do come across as if you think you are better than her.
You shouldn't have pretended to be her on the telephone. Under no circumstances can that be considered OK.

sackrifice Wed 13-Mar-19 18:36:41

Oh no not mummy on facebook?

Not being funny, but daft mum comments on facebook that drive you batty are part and parcel of being an adult surely?

newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:37:01

you do come across as if you think you are better than her


TedAndLola Wed 13-Mar-19 18:38:08

You sound really mean. You (the pair of you) should have asked her to cancel the subscription and your husband should let his mum add him on social media.

Try to be a bit nicer to her?

DisplayPurposesOnly Wed 13-Mar-19 18:38:37

Whilst your MIL does sound a bit... intense, I don't think these specific examples are giving us the full flavour grin

I think I'd be mildly annoyed at someone pretending to be me when they could have just asked - but not to tears.

Facebook - just add her and learn how to use the privacy settings to hide posts if necessary. LinkedIn - just don't add her.

Salary - again I don't understand the secrecy. I think my folks know broadly what mine is. That said, mine wouldn't use that knowledge against me so it's not an issue.

newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:38:58

Right. Adding your Mum to LinkedIn?

LaBelleSauvage Wed 13-Mar-19 18:39:45

OP I agree with you. YANBU. It's a magazine subscription and it wasn't ever hers, it was only in her name due to a technicality 10 years ago.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking salary per se, but if someone gave me a vague answer I'd consider it rude to press them further on the specifics.

Also a 27 year old should not need his mother to do his laundry and cooking. What is the world coming to?

FudgeBrownie2019 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:40:16

You shouldn't have pretended to be her, but the rest is crackers. She needs to let go of her DC and accept that they're independent adults.

It's all well and good people saying she's "dedicated her life" to her DC. That's her choice, it's also what every person who has a child should do, and it's not something the children then need to repay or feel guilt over. I adore the bones of my DC but I wouldn't expect to be the centre of the universe when they're adults (or even now) because that's not what the role of parent is.

newnamepetal Wed 13-Mar-19 18:40:24

Fair enough Display, that does make sense. I have omitted a whole history and just mentioned the latest incidents which I can imagine don't say much in isolation.

Windowsareforcheaters Wed 13-Mar-19 18:41:45

Most people would be glad you did them the favour of cancelling for them. I hate phone calls like that and it is admin most people don't like.

MN always has posters who are offended by anyone doing anything for them.

As for MiL she sounds obsessed with her family, it's not sneering to say that it seems to be a fact.

OP you need to keep your distance and let your dh handle her.

FudgeBrownie2019 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:43:02

Also a 27 year old should not need his mother to do his laundry and cooking. What is the world coming to?

Why is his Mother enabling his laziness? Mine (13 and 8) fill their hampers, sort them into colour piles and can and do fill the washing machine often. If you teach them when they're 8 you won't still need to pander to them when they're 27. Of course he's letting her do it; he's a lazy ape who's been allowed to behave like a helpless baby. More fool MIL.

gothicsprout Wed 13-Mar-19 18:44:00

I don’t think YABU, MIL needs to let go and get a life of her own - that kind of parental dependency sounds suffocating to me, but admittedly I don’t have the best relationship with my mum so could be biased.

Presumably if your DH is the oldest of 7 she still has others at home she can baby/martyr herself for for now.

Fairylea Wed 13-Mar-19 18:44:26

She sounds controlling. I think the whole on the verge of tears over cancelling a subscription is quite manipulative actually. But then I will be honest and say I have a very difficult relationship with my own mum who is narcissistic and controlling so I may be looking for things that aren’t there!

I do think you sound a bit judgey about the fact she’s essentially made being a mum her “thing”. There’s nothing wrong with that at all but she does need to learn to pull back and let her dc have their own lives without them being made to feel bad for doing so.

I wouldn’t want my mum on my Facebook etc either. Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents and I would find it intrusive.

GreenEggsHamandChips Wed 13-Mar-19 18:44:43

Yeah impersonating someone else on the telephone is really not on. Id feel deeply uncomfortable if someone was willing to do something unethical and potentially illegal (DPA) out of convenience.

The rest sounds reasonably normal when youre adjusting from one stage of life to another when you dont necessarily know how besr to approach it. He doesn't have to accept all of her requests.

FriarTuck Wed 13-Mar-19 18:45:51

What Windows has just said.

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