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AIBU?

That my friend always drops me last minute?

16 replies

Luc187 · 13/03/2019 15:07

Ok, so I have had the same ongoing problem with a friend of mine since I can remember,

Every time we have plans, usually when it is to do anything but stay in her house she cancels on me last minute. So instances where we have pre-booked tickets for things and spent money or make reservations and paid etc, she cancels the booking last minute sometimes on the same day. The most recent instance is we are due to meet Thursday afternoon for pre-paid lunch but she has pulled out.

I have confronted her about the issue previously so now her excuse is sickness every single time. I am really fed up and angry about it because I work full time and barely get time to see friends and family.
For instance this time she has cancelled I had offers to do things with my family that I turned down due to having pre-booked this and paid for it.

Now what do I do? I have no idea if the excuses is genuine or not which makes it tricky on how to confront. Do I say anything at all and if so, what do I say?

I feel like even if it is genuine the amount of times it happens is ridiculous so do I just not meet with her anymore or cut it down?

OP posts:

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SnowdropFox · 13/03/2019 15:11

You don't even have to confront her the. Just stop booking things with her, especially if they are prepaid. If she wants to meet you for lunch in a local cafe then there is no pressure. Doesn't change the annoyance if you have said to others you can't make another event but it at least saves some pennies!

SnowdropFox · 13/03/2019 15:12

the. = tbh

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 13/03/2019 15:14

Has she got a dp /dh? My ex used to make it very difficult for me to leave the house...

Luc187 · 13/03/2019 15:17

No there is definitely no abuse from partner in this case.

OP posts:

GassyAss · 13/03/2019 15:18

Has she reimbursed you?
I had a friend so this so often I knew she was going to cancel before she got round to it. Last year I was so sick of it I had to cut her loose. She's no friend. Real friends do not do this.

MuddyMoose · 13/03/2019 15:21

Has she paid for the things that ends up cancelled too? If so, could it be an anxiety issue? Meaning she wants to do these things that's cost you both money but then freaks out & cancels last minute?

I'd personally speak to her. Ask her if there's a reason you should know about why things get cancelled all the time. If she says there isn't then I'd just back off a little. Don't continue to make plans with her that will potentially leave you out of pocket.

BlueMerchant · 13/03/2019 15:22

Could she be living with social anxiety? Things often seem a good idea at the time then feel overwhelming as the event draws closer. Would explain why she's happy to stay in her house.

BlueMerchant · 13/03/2019 15:23

Sorry pp.

Luc187 · 13/03/2019 15:29

Yes they get paid for, perhaps that sound more likely - anxiety

I hate to look at it selfishly but it is still impacting greatly on me. Like another poster said I a starting to feel real friends do not do this without explaining.

Most of the time I end up having filling the slot by someone else but I have lost money on a couple of occasions due to it

OP posts:

RMogs · 13/03/2019 15:40

As someone who said suffers with (at times extreme) social anxiety, reactions like this are why I now turn down pretty much any invite, with the exception of a few mums who suffer the same issues and understand when suddenly I drop out.
I understand losing money is frustrating, could you not take someone else along in her stead?

I hate myself for letting people down, but some days I cannot leave the house even to go to my parents.

It's frustrating for you, but if your friend does struggle with anxiety, it's isolating and a vicious circle for them. Maybe try doing things you don't need to pay up front for, coffee at a local coffee shop at a quiet time...baby steps. Sometimes I get all the way to the car before panic hits, I have sat for an hour in the car telling myself that I need to move and pull myself together and just get on. Unfortunately it doesn't always work.

Luc187 · 13/03/2019 16:24

I am not sure if that is the reason but if it is then I guess useful to hear from people with the condition as I guess it is difficult for me to fully empathise without having been in the situation myself.

I guess the problem becomes where do you draw the line when it starts impacting greatly on me, as much as it must be difficult to deal with if suffering from something like social anxiety, I am only human and being on the receiving end is really not nice for me either.

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/03/2019 16:29

Why don't you just meet up with her at her or your house from now on? On a Monday night or something when it's unlikely to clash with anything else?

Don't suggest anything you need to book. If she does just say you're short of cash, or would prefer not to commit since its non refundable but you'd love to see her and do x instead

RMogs · 13/03/2019 18:00

If it is social anxiety, it's up to you how you deal with it, I would suggest you talk to your friend Nd be honest and explain you are struggling with how things are. Then you can either walk away, or go where she is comfortable (her house, or yours if she is willing).

My old neighbour is someone who is the most amazing friend possible, rather than walk away, she persevered through my really bad times, and now I do get out more, we go on days out with the children, but just having her willing to keep trying, and come to me for coffee until I felt strong enough to get out meant (and still does mean) so much to me that I can't express.

In no way is this judging you for being frustrated (hopefully it's not coming across as telling you off/guilt tripping etc,) as I can understand. Until I suffered myself I used to get fed up with a girl in our friendship group that was flaky and always backing out of things. I don't know if hers was also anxiety as I'm a long time out of uni and we were never that close, but when she'd drop out of trips etc at the last minute it was really annoying, especially if it meant we lost money, or someone else had missed out because she was taking up a space.

Confusedbeetle · 13/03/2019 18:03

Dont prebook anything

Graphista · 13/03/2019 21:29

"No there is definitely no abuse from partner in this case" so there IS a partner? In which case control/abuse COULD be an issue and its arrogant of you to assume you would know if it were.

I'm also thinking she may suffer from some kind of anxiety or even agoraphobia (agoraphobia has levels it's not always NEVER leaving the house and can be unpredictable/intermittent).

Who is suggesting the events that are planned? Her or you? If it's always you maybe she is feeling pressured to agree initially and then later for any number of reasons unable to go?

mamato3lads · 13/03/2019 21:34

There HAS to be a reason. I do this a lot which is why I only have a few friends . With me it is always anxiety. Not crippling cant-go-out anxiety, just I'd much rather stay home. Like your friend it's not I don't WANT to see someone , which is why people are always welcome here for tea, wine , a natter..just don't invite me out.

Just ask her, nicely , whats going on?

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