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To break up with someone who is pretty much perfect

(20 Posts)
PawsAndReflection Tue 12-Mar-19 23:21:07

I've only ever been in relationships where the other person has taken advantage of me in one way or another. Fortunately for the last year I've been with a man who loves everything about me, has never been rude or unkind, goes out of his way to do wonderful and silly things for me, and who is 100% capable of supporting himself.

Yet there's a huge part of me that really struggles with this, and I'm constantly at the point of breaking up with him because there is literally nothing wrong with him and it makes me feel like I'm waiting for him to trip up. Our sex life is incredible, he's the best kisser I've ever encountered and so so generous physically, and the best part is that everything is so comfortable.

Am I being totally mental considering ending this? I know that he'd be so upset and also really frustrated- I've spoken to him about this once and he told me that he wished I could understand how he sees me and how much he loves me. Other than the one discussion he has no idea that this is how I feel, but it's honestly making me feel like a crazy person when I'm otherwise very well balanced.

memaymamo Tue 12-Mar-19 23:23:50

Yes you'd be unreasonable to throw this away smile. I wonder if it's worth you seeking out counselling to talk through your feelings? It would be such a shame to sabotage your own happiness just because of men who've treated you badly in the past.

Sickofthemoaning Tue 12-Mar-19 23:26:59

Personally I think you should end it....sorry. Eventually he’ll get fed up of trying and it not being acknowledged/reciprocated. He’ll start to lose interest and you’ll justify it as “I knew it was too good to be true”. Separate, be single a while and sort your own thoughts/boundaries before you date again. Don’t ruin his life because of your insecurities.

Smotheroffive Tue 12-Mar-19 23:27:49

Well I think it's actually completely normal way to react to horrible abnormal situation.

Please just be honest with him about how deeply the abnormal behaviour you suffered has affected you. I'm sure with all that strength of feeling you will gradually start recovering, but if you need more, then take it to a counsellor so you can truly move on from the past, and let him know you are working through this stuff to make sure the past isn't carried forward.

Do you live together? Do stuff together and work together well?

flowers to good to hear a happy ending!!

JonSnowsCloak Tue 12-Mar-19 23:29:08

You know you would be mad to end it so instead you need to work through why you feel like that and also think about the alternative. The way I see it is people who never have a bad relationship or go through tough times are in the minority, the truth is we have to go through the crap and the rubbish to really appreciate the good stuff. I've seen my friends go through similar, awful relationships and then find a really good man and can't quite believe they've found their good one. Look at it this way- you've had the bad ones, you've had your fill more than what you deserve and now you've found what is right for you. If you broke up with him tomorrow you'd be miserable. And then what? Honestly, talk it through with him again, be honest pour your heart out to him but he sounds like a good man and you sound like a good woman so enjoy it. Nobody's perfect but he's perfect for you smile

iwillkeepthishouseclean Tue 12-Mar-19 23:30:24

How was your childhood have you had consistent people in your life I didn't and tried to push my husband away for years ..

Sparklesocks Tue 12-Mar-19 23:30:36

It’s difficult when our blueprint for relationships is toxic or moulded by insecurity because that is what we consider the norm, but it would be a shame to throw away something different because we are scared.

Surfingtheweb Tue 12-Mar-19 23:32:26

You need to go & get therapy before you let the assholes of the past ruin your life forever. Seriously, get help & fix your demons.

FaultySpice Tue 12-Mar-19 23:32:31

Are you in love with him OP?

Oakenbeach Tue 12-Mar-19 23:50:24

On the face of it, yes, this does sound completely crazy... It feels like a kind of self-harm. If you dump him for being “perfect” you’re dooming yourself to a life of shit relationships.

However, this depends on whether there’s more to this and whether he is perfect for you, or whether he is just acting perfectly - there’s a difference. Is his behaviour unnaturally and artificially good, such that you feel he’s putting on a performance and suppressing healthy emotions, and you can’t see or really know the real him? If so, I can see why that would be disconcerting and alienating, and prevents you from connecting properly with him?

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 13-Mar-19 00:03:44

As someone who was married to a self sabotager, please end it now. It will hurt him far less in the long run.

After years of him doing or saying things to make me prove I really did love him, I didnt love him. It hurts so much that I gave all I had and it still wasnt enough.

HappyLife21 Wed 13-Mar-19 00:06:39

I think it sounds like you’re not really ready for a relationship, so yes, you should end it now.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 13-Mar-19 00:15:41

Do you actually find him sexy and lovable? He might well be a really nice man but not sexually appealing to you. If you have had shitty relationships in the past, you might have picked a 'safe' man (ie one who isn't violent, controlling or sexually abusive, who is kind and ethical etc but who you don't actually find desirable).

Or it could be that your shit radar is quietly beeping because, although he isn't hideously abusive, he's not that much of a catch. Women who have had abusive partners sometimes find themselves picking a different flavour of abuser the next time round - if the last one was physically aggressive, they might pick one who is repeatedly unfaithful; if the last one was obsessed with sex and would hit on anything with a pulse, they might move on to one who's an amiable drug addict and totally financially irresponsible, etc.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 13-Mar-19 00:27:13

Get into therapy immediately or break up with him. He doesn't deserve to be weighed down with someone who is incapable of being happy. Stop sabotaging yourself, fgs.

LittlePaintBox Wed 13-Mar-19 00:36:11

I think it would really help you to talk this through with a therapist, to try to get a bit more self-understanding. One thing a therapist might help you explore is your right to act on your feelings - if, for whatever reason, this relationship doesn't feel right to you, that's enough reason to end it.

Ellenborough Wed 13-Mar-19 00:42:58

If your sex life is amazing then I’m going to assume you do really find him sexy and attractive, because that’s a bit part of it. You can meet someone who is perfect on paper but there’s no real chemistry, which is no good in the long run. You can’t fake it for long.

I think you need to look at yourself for the answer to this. It sounds as though you are either addicted to drama or have been conditioned to expect emotional abuse or heartache and without it, or the constant threat of it, things don’t quite feel real.

Once you allow yourself to let go of that nonsense and accept that it’s not healthy, you can relax in a mutually respectful relationship that stands a chance of working out long term. One where you aren’t having to constantly compromise yourself and your own needs and feelings just to hang on to a man who doesn’t deserve you anyway.

WarpedGalaxy Wed 13-Mar-19 00:46:03

Yeah, constantly testing him to see how far you can push him away and when he’s finally had enough and does walk away you’ll be able to tell yourself you knew it all along. I’d cut him loose tbh, it’s fairer to him because you need to work on valuing yourself before you’ll be able to value someone else valuing you.

See, at the back of your mind you think you’re not worthy of someone decent so when someone decent does come along you think they can’t really be that much of a prize because otherwise they wouldn’t want you. Let him go, OP, and get some help with working on your self-esteem.

Smotheroffive Wed 13-Mar-19 00:52:49

Goodness, some mighty deep assumptions here.

If they make sense to you OP then fair enough, but a lot sound way too deep to be credible online and I would get them checked out with a therapist properly.

Dieu Wed 13-Mar-19 01:04:55

I've been on the dating scene for ages now, and try so fucking hard, but am getting nowhere.
So your 'I've met the perfect person but I'm waiting for him to trip up and should I end it' post leaves me genuinely flummoxed confused
Real, solid, genuine connections don't come around often. I should know! You've already admitted that the problem is with you, not with him. So why don't you have counselling to establish why you're struggling to be with a 'nice guy'.
You might end up regretting it one day if you don't.

dontgobaconmyheart Wed 13-Mar-19 01:33:14

I don't think you'd necessarily be mad to 'let a good one go' OP. It depends how you feel about him in your heart of hearts. A year is pretty soon to be having thoughts of ending it if he's that wonderful and you are in love. Just because someone is perfect on paper doesn't mean you'll be happy with them, or that they're perfect for you. All the things you've mentioned are things you perceive he does that maybe other men wouldn't, or that make him a catch. You don't mention in the first instance being deeply in love or deeply attracted,just that basically has a catch, is sexually capable and skilled, especially relative to poor past experience. Perhaps its just the wording though smile.

I second the suggestion of working through it with a therapist and being open with him about the past and your feelings. If you regard him as such a good person then he deserves to know that you're thinking this.

I went out with a guy like this once and clung on for years feeling confused as to why I felt compelled to end it, but would always talk myself out of it because of how many boxes he ticked. I did love him but it wasn't much fun always worrying like you say you are, if anything the relationship made me insecure because I'd wonder why he was with me and kept trying to hide parts of myself that didn't match his persona. In the end he wasn't that perfect after all anyway, because nobody is, thinking that is a bit of a sign there's more to it IMO and I think putting men are vaguely decent on a pedestal is a real trap when you've been in awful or abusive relationships before. For example, he may never have raised his voice or insulted me but he certainly made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and was very insecure himself. He too was insanely generous in bed, but actually that was just because that was what he liked doing and got off on, and much preferred being in control of my pleasure, and so on. At the end of the day he's not the only guy that's going to have these positive traits, the things you describe as massive perks should be a minimum expectation really, for a partner. Listen to your discomfort and try and ascertain the real source of it flowers

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