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I want to destroy my ex. *MNHQ trigger warning for violence*

(22 Posts)
blackheartdarksoul Tue 12-Mar-19 23:07:44

My ex partner kidnapped me and raped me 3 years ago. As the case in all rapes you are tested for STIs etc..

I'm now with a new partner and we want to try for a baby. I went to my local clinic today to get my coil removed and was told that they had tried to contact me 3 years ago.

During that time I wasn't myself at all. I had a nervous breakdown and had to change my number 30 times due to harassment from my ex.

Turns out he had given me chlamydia. He was the only man I had ever been with. I'm heartbroken and feel like I have been raped all over again. Today I have been tested for all kinds yet again. I feel dirty and all I want to do is rip his heart from his chest.

I've had to tell my new partner and he's been fantastic.

blackheartdarksoul Tue 12-Mar-19 23:10:23

If I'm honest I just want to vent. I feel sick.

C0untDucku1a Tue 12-Mar-19 23:12:05

That sounds like a horrific experience. Hugs to you xxx

jennybinky Tue 12-Mar-19 23:13:20

I can't even imagine! He sounds like an animal angry I can see why you'd want to kill him I think you're right to feel that way.
Glad your new partner is being understanding about it.. sending hugs to you xx

blackheartdarksoul Tue 12-Mar-19 23:13:51

I'm now on medication they have given me until my test results come back. I've taken antibiotics over the last few years for other things but what if that hasn't cleared it up and I'm infertile?

The bastard would have known what he had too. I hate him, I hate him so much

ThreeBagsFullofWool Tue 12-Mar-19 23:14:50

There's a special place in hell for shitbags like him, but hopefully karma doesn't miss him in the meantime.

AsparagusSoup Tue 12-Mar-19 23:14:58

I'm so very sorry flowers
You're feelings are valid. I'd feel the same.

Smotheroffive Tue 12-Mar-19 23:20:27

There's a special place in hell for shitbags like him Dear god lets hope so, threebags

I am so sad for you re-trauma, lets hope that's the final trace of him gone, for good. Open your arms to your happy new future, I'm so glad you have another chance. flowers you deserve it. Looking forward to some good news soon then wink Happy days

ViolaD77 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:21:26

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please visit your gp to be referred for talking therapies/counselling.... I know it seems it won't be helpful and you can cope but long term this will hinder you emotionally and it sounds like you have a great future ahead with a lovely partner, don't let the past and that bastard ruin it .... Xx

blackheartdarksoul Tue 12-Mar-19 23:29:34

My partner has been fantastic. I kept a few things back from him from my past because I didn't want want my ex did to me to be any part of my relationship.

But today I have told him everything and I want to be honest about everything.

Social services and the police at the time tried to force me to have therapy and I refused. I still don't feel ready to lay everything bare.

How can I sit and tell a stranger face to face how i was repeatedly raped and beaten for nearly 2 decades? I can't open that book up I'll go mental I know I will

Smotheroffive Tue 12-Mar-19 23:35:01

Well, you need to start in your own way. You have already made that start, by feeling strong enough to say a lot of it to your new partner.

You must feel confident and strong to make that huge step. It can also knock you a bit off-balance, so give yourself some time for the dust to settle, and try not to over-worry. It's part of stopping the blocking it out, so be kind to yourself and take it easy. Treat yourself. At your pace, a bit at a time.

blackheartdarksoul Wed 13-Mar-19 11:19:58

I've not slept a wink, I'm in work and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel sick and dirty, what if he's given me all kinds and I'm walking around not even knowing??

TwitterQueen1 Wed 13-Mar-19 11:47:47

You've already taken the first steps towards therapy. You've told all of us here and you've told your DP. Trouble is, we're not experts and not really equipped to give you specialised advice and guidance here. You can ask a therapist / counsellor all these questions and they will be able to help you better than we can.

I think you're exceptionally courageous. You've been through hell and come out the other side. You are not the same person you were. You have already succeeded in moving on with your life, and potential therapy and your new relationship are additional steps in helping you move even further away from him. flowers

Smotheroffive Thu 14-Mar-19 07:01:50

Would be worth getting sti checks so you know where you stand. You have already told your partner so if anything comes up you can both be treated if needs be.

I just wanted to say, its not your fault, but its common to feel dirty and shameful, but that's his, his shame for his actions.

It will get easier. It must feel quite raw having only just let some of this out.

Take care flowers

Smotheroffive Thu 14-Mar-19 07:03:23

Sorry, ignore the sti checks comment!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 14-Mar-19 07:13:32

Welll it’s clearly bought up all the horrific trauma again . Maybe counselling isn’t for you . Maybe as with all awful news
You need some Time to get used to it and acclimatise .

I desperately sorry you had to ensure this . I can’t see anyone who does this having a good and happy Life . I just can’t .

Do what you can to move forward and don’t rule out counselling if the bad thoughts are coming too hard and fast .

Wishing you healing flowers

WhentheRabbitsWentWild Thu 14-Mar-19 09:10:18

I do not blame you OP . I would want to kill him too .

blackheartdarksoul Thu 14-Mar-19 21:56:27

God I just want my past put behind me. Never thought this would happen to me

Hanab Thu 14-Mar-19 21:59:54


PoliticalBiscuit Thu 14-Mar-19 22:47:24

I've never had counselling for rape. But I heard a survivor talking about it recently. IT was an historic assault and she was advised to go, she explained that she felt a total fraud as she was over it, and didn't need it. She thought it was only for people recovering from an attack.

She also felt sick to her stomach, and frozen in fear at the thought of having to relive what happened.

She explained that they didn't go over the incident, didn't rake up the past. They talked about how her life was being impacted now .

She said it changed her life.

It might be worth a shot, perhaps the Rape Crisis phoneline might be worth calling?

0808 802 9999 (currently closed as I write this)

One day you will look back and remember being so panicked and shocked from the news and glad that you took this time to truly recover before you started your next journey with a baby flowers

oneforthepain Thu 14-Mar-19 22:53:32

How can I sit and tell a stranger face to face how i was repeatedly raped and beaten for nearly 2 decades?

This isn't what trauma therapy is like.

First off is stabilisation work, which means supporting you with how you're feeling and how you're coping now. Helping you to build on your existing coping mechanisms.

Even as it progresses you don't necessarily ever need to re-tell what happened to you. That isn't really how it goes.

blackheartdarksoul Mon 18-Mar-19 21:48:24

I had a urine test done at the doctors and the doctor said I was negative but the clinic has take vagina swabs to be sure. Does anyone know how reliable urine tests are?

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