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I can’t stand my MIL

(52 Posts)
Lizmum1 Tue 12-Mar-19 21:53:35

Aibu to completely resent her and have no interest in DH family confused

DH and I met six years ago when he had been separated for 2 years from his ex wife. They have 3 dcs together we have 2dc together.
Everything is extremely good with our ‘blended famiky’ Dh and his ex split on a mutual decision as they ‘fell out of love’ dh sees his dcs 2 week nights and every weekend. I get along well with their mother and we help each other out a lot. The kids are all very happy my dd loves going round to her siblings house and their mum buys our dcs gifts and so on. Dh pays his maintenance, all school trips, uniforms, any extra money they need and pays towards their holidays. We often buy them clothes ect and swap Xmas yearly where I do them all Xmas eve boxes pjs and make it super special. Me and his oldest dd go on days out together and she often asks me to attend her clubs star I take the kids if dh can’t for any reason and I’m listed as an emergency contact by their dm.

So after that long back ground blabber - the issue. My MIL.

She is extremely bias. When I met her she was nice as pie and we always enjoyed visiting. She’s 200 miles away. My dh has an extremely damanding job and until next week when I start a new job (first in 3 years) he has been the main earner and self employed so taking time off is always tricky for him.

I’ve notice over the years my mil is very very two faced as she is constantly slagging off dh ex which I ignore. Apparently she’s never liked her. She also goes to town on the phone most weeks about my SIL - dhs’ Brothers wife. Dh has always supported his parents and helped them financially even though we aren’t ‘rolling in it’ so to speak.
Over the years he has put himself on tones of courses and worked right up to the top of his career. He is a workaholic but for the correct reasons. His brother is the opposite and is lazy , moody, no work ethic, constant problems with his wife they argue constantly and he is always being kicked out and goes running to his mother! My dh and his dad have carried BIL his whole life abs dh is constantly giving him jobs , driving him to and from work (5 miles out of his way each trip) and has helped him with loans countless times. MIL puts him on the biggest pedestal though and doesn’t acknowledge DH one bit. We don’t exist! Although my FIL is 70 he can’t afford to retire as she spends constantly (1k a weekend) she re does her kitchen yearly and has recently kitted it all out with SMEG appliances and everything in their house is top of the range including smart tv in every room (really big house). I could go on for years. FIL is commuting 400 miles round trip weekly and is staying with us and has done for 4 years. Rent free and doesn’t contribute a penny I cook his dinner and clean up after him he’s not got much respect for our home but he is a decent fella. A million times bette than mil shock

Main point - they treat us completely different to dhs brother and wife. Their 2 boys (gs) are utterly spoilt, doted on, go there every weekend because SIL works all weekend so BIL goes off to his mums and she looks after his kids whilst he sleeps the entire time on the sofa binging tv and goes mental at mil because his 2yesr old has a nappy rash and she hasn’t changed him !! They loan BIL 300 every week because he only lasts a few weeks in each job and is threatened divorce ect if he doesn’t pay the bills. SIL made him sign a prenup on the house. Her gran gave her 100k deposit on it and when they up sized her mum gave her 30k and the car is also in her name (finance) their entire house was renovated when she was on maternity leave and he wasn’t working. They’re up to their eyeballs in debt hence constant marriage issues. MIL is always on the phone screaming about her and how awful she is to her perfect son (eyeroll).

BUT on social media is the complete opposite. She comments likes loves and shares every single status picture or post SIL puts up of the kids and comments how beautiful she is on every selfie shock she’s always writing statuses about her ‘amazing lovely DIL’ but we cease to exist

We have helped them all out numerous times. SIL family live abroad and her sister was very ill once and BIL would loose his then job if he took time off so as well as having my toddler at the time I had their 6 month old and 3 year old for 10 days and nights. (Sent with 1 outfit each abs odd shoes) hmm
They’ve never had our dcs once.
I’ve driven mil and FIL to the airport countless times at 3/4/5am staying up all night. We took mil abroad for a week and my dh was her skave made to order all her drinks get out the pool to order her food. Walk miles to get her cigarettes. Do her shoes up , I done her hair and makeup for hours each evening on holiday. I have driven to them several occasions to house sit and dog sit their 7 dogs! So they could go on holiday as no one else would. I cleaned for them, ive cooked for them, I’ve had her husband as a third child all these years, when they had car issues I gave them my brand new very expensive lease car for 2 weeks ,went to them after offering to dog sit so she could attend her mothers funeral. Countless things I couldn’t even jsit it all. And she hates me with a passion. She completely snubs me!

My SIL pregnancies have both been announced with hour page long essays on Facebook by MIL with the scan photos and how exited she is. Birth announcements have been the same often stating how proud she is of BIL and SIL and their babies. Every year on their anniversary a long post with numerous wedding photos are shown.

Nothing of our wedding. Nothing of us. Not a mention of our dcs. Occasionally of dhs 3dcs though.
On a blue moon she may like a photo of my dd (3) but never and I mean not once acknowledged my 2nd pregnancy to my ds (7months)
She didn’t congratulate us on the pregnancy or birth. Never asked for a scan or asked how we was. Never mentions or asked about ds eventhougg FIL lives here five days a week and they’re on the phone one hour a night! She’s never once liked a photo of him but she lives on social media has businesses on there so is online all day every day liking all SIL stuff. She has now started doing the same with dh ex wife! Really ass licking her abs inviting her to stay ect as if she’s part of the family not me (she thinks this is odd and uncomfortable)

When dd was born 3 years ago she come over held her for a min tops then focused on the other gcs never got a gift nor card. Wasn’t overly bothered until a year last BIL has a new baby and we all go to his house and mil is telling me ‘ I hope you got them a card! It is so important SIL is very funny on these things it’s very special to her for her keepsakes she’s keeps everything you know!’ I had indeed got one naturally and a beautiful gift. But it was in that moment I thought well I have keepsake boxes and I keep everything most mums cherish these things how rude that she didn’t give us anything but made a song and dance about us getting SIL stuff. It was that weekend they borrowed my car. I offered. They would’ve been stranded otherwise and not having a card being in the middle of nowhere with a new baby we forgot her mother day card blush so we ordered her a lovely gift that was delivered to her house on time. BIL got her a card only ( thought that counts obviously) and my dh was branded as a crap son, waste of space horrible human being and all over social media whilst posting pics of BIL and his baby saying how proud she was and lucky one son is good and doesn’t forget her!! All this time they had my car 200 miles away and a nice gift for mother’s day! Most recently though we was going to go there for Xmas but they only have 3 bedrooms and dhs 3 kids were planned to go and our dd. BIL turned up unexpectedly with his 2 ds and it was chaos. No space for us to go there with baby too. FIL says never again it was so stressful but she STILL disowned dh completely now and said to his dcs that are old enough to understand - that their dads a waste of space and selfish ect. All the time BIL was letting his sons break everything, be spiteful to step kids and dd and BIL blaming Mil for his sons nappy rash! SIL hasn’t visited in 3 years and tells me she hates them and has no interest and makes excuses so just sends BIL with their kids. So at Xmas time there was 6 kids - 3 being toddlers. 7 dogs plus BIL dog so 8. And 3 adults so no room for us to go to visit with the baby as planned. Mil told 13 year old step daughter she ‘didn’t know’ our baby. Which is true but her fault really. We haven’t been this year as we were disowned and called every name under the sun and now feel uncomfortable visiting but it goes in a circle so the more we don’t go the more we are slated and feel uncomfortable to visit.

In the past if I ever cooked for mil she would out of the blue mention how SIL is the best cook and state memories- 3 times just to make sure I heard. If I do anything SIL has done it 10x better , same if we go anywhere too. We have been saving hard for a mortgage deposit ourselves but SIL abs BIL are the best because they have a nice house - only because they were given 100k for it. And SIL has the nicest house , the nicest taste, the kids are so clever if SIL was mother of mine they would be clever too ( mine are extremely advanced which is commented on regularly by any they come across) SIL dresses her kids amazinly well , the list goes on!

I’m not jealous I’ve got over most of it. I get along well with SIL and dhs ex but why why why am I treated so differently and made to feel so shit.

She recently asked my step kids if I’m nice and if they like me which they told me about because we get along great! But I don’t undetant her behaviour constantly slagging of SIL to FIL and BIL but nice as pie about her and trying to play me against her and make me jealous.

I’m the only one that’s ever reached out and gone out my way to help the lot of them! My family are in disbelief tbh and so is my dh. FIL continues to live here Scot free in the meantime but we are shit and selfish apparently.

Cocobean30 Tue 12-Mar-19 22:13:28

Sorry why are you putting up with this? And why is FIL living with you while MIL is at home?

Parly Tue 12-Mar-19 22:15:01

Yeah she sounds a real piece of work and you have far more patience than I that's for sure.

All I can say is you should change FB settings so the status updated, photo's and all the "sun shines out their arse" doesn't show up on your feed.

I'd knock the tripping around after them on the head if possible they sound like there's enough to manage and it would the MIL good to be left in the lurch a little. You're not the family charity case and work hard to give your family what they need and raise them well so let them pick up their own shit, pay for themselves and hit the stop tap on favours, loans and everything else they blatantly take the piss in expecting you to do.

The question to your step-kids about whether they like you would have me wanting to get straight in the car, floor it to her house at 100mph and leather her right on the spot. That's a nasty-ass trick.

You sound such a nice family and like you really have your shit together in getting on with the ex and all of you mucking in to look after the kids and not have any drama, anxieties or insecurities smile

You're doing a grand job as you are and honestly, I'm tempted to say the less your kids and step-kids are around this the better.

KitKatCHA Tue 12-Mar-19 22:15:19

Why in earth are you putting up with this appalling behaviour, volunteering for it even? It's madness! Stop doing stuff for them, stop allowing fil to stay and back the hell off!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 12-Mar-19 22:19:39

Bloody hell too long.

Cherrysoup Tue 12-Mar-19 22:19:49

Start by asking why she treats you so poorly-if you care enough. I’d be asking your fil for board: why is he not offering?! Stop dog sitting/doing favours. Mil clearly takes and never gives. Is she pissed off that your dh divorced and re-married?

itswinetime Tue 12-Mar-19 22:22:22

Stop bailing BIL out. Back off from mother in law stop running round after them! Tell FIL to pay his way or get out. Why is he even with you?

Carry on co parenting with your dh's ex I'm not sure why you have mentioned her as I can't see how she is involved!

SnowyDaze Tue 12-Mar-19 22:25:20

To be honest, you would be better off without them. You can’t make someone like you.

Stop being a doormat! Don’t try to compete for your MIL’s attention and doing the “pick me” dance.

Why is your FIL living at your house most of the time??! That’s a ridiculous arrangement. I think address that issue first and then put MIL on a back burner. Rise above all of the pettiness.

I really dislike my MIL too. I go “grey rock” on her. Which is basically avoiding contact as much as possible and then saying “mmm, yes, interesting idea” etc.

Grumpelstilskin Tue 12-Mar-19 22:26:33

This is much simpler than you think OP. Just stop pandering to them. Stop putting up with FIL using your place as a free hotel. He can find a cheap B&B. Stop trying to please and bend over backwards for people who do not appreciate it and go LC or even NC. Stop being a martyr and just focus on those that do respect and treat you right.

Sarahjconnor Tue 12-Mar-19 22:28:13

Just stop. Stop doing any of it, stop speaking to her, stop having FIL to stay, stop thinking about them. Just retreat and let it all go. flowers

jennymalone Tue 12-Mar-19 22:30:44

That's a massive wall of text OP.

Why are you & DH so incredibly involved in the family drama?

Just step back.

You are choosing to participate. Choosing to have FIL practically living with you. Choosing to indulge MIL spewing bile about people rather than cut her short.

What do you & your DH get out of the visits, incredibly close day to day involvement etc?

Is this what you want to happen in your life? Who decided many of the things/expectations you describe?

It all sounds like a cheap TV drama.

ShawshanksRedemption Tue 12-Mar-19 22:34:10

Don't play her game. Back off, don't come to her rescue. If she's slagging you off anyway, then you might as well stop doing stuff for her. Talk to your DH about it and why the need to help them out.

You just don't need this crap in your life!

7yo7yo Tue 12-Mar-19 22:42:56

Several things.
1. Delete her from social media
2. Stop supporting them financially
3. Stop visiting
4. Stop FIL from staying. Say you can’t afford it.

7yo7yo Tue 12-Mar-19 22:43:30

5. Stop trying to win her Over and be a martyr.

Lizmum1 Tue 12-Mar-19 22:48:39

Thank you guys for all the kind positive comments,

Someone asked why I mentions dh ex - yes it wasn’t overly relevant but just wanted to rule out my dhs past being any reason for MIL treatment of me confused

Also the fact MIL can’t stand dh ex and told him he should’ve broken up with her. They’re had their fair few rifts in the past too. But all of a sudden since I’ve gone cold turkey on dhs family she’s got really friendly with his ex and tried to I think wind me up. His ex thinks she deluded anyway and makes excuses not go visit but my mil continuously asks her to visit for a week.

As people have suggested, I have been doing sweets F all for them for about a year now but the snarky comments, snubs and obvious ass licking SIL and dh ex on all social media impossible knowing I will see is getting worse and worse the more I ignore her the worse it gets abs the most she snubs us.

I’ve blocked her on fb when I was pregnant because the stress was really grating on me but she went ballistic and FIL was living here but wouldn’t even say hello to me because of it. We said when we moved that we needed the spare room for ds arrival as I wanted to do a nursery and mil rang dh screaming down the phone about it and how awful i am why does a baby need a bedroom ect.

All whilst BIL and SIL arebdown the road with a spare room but SIL has told me she won’t have FIL and will divorce BIL if he moved him in.

He has no savings no pention a huge house in Wales we are in south east so he stays here to work in London mon- Friday and goes home weekends. We’ve subtly hinted everytime we’ve moved that we need the space ect abs he’s never found anywhere or bothered looking. Last year when we said we needed the spare room he planned on sleeping in his car at 70 years old. Dh reaches out to his brother to see what they would come up with and BIL said it wasn’t his problem eventhougg he’s happy to accept 300 a week cash from his dad. And in mil eyes he is a blue eyed angel and we are the spawns of bloody satin for even suggesting we need our own space. I agreed to keep him here in a spare room we have down stairs as I can’t see a 70 year old sleep in his car. SIL comment was ‘ oh well!’ I also agreed as the stress being heavily pregnant was causing massive relationship issues too and dh asked me to swallow my pride and call his mother to apologise which I did and she reduced me to tears on the phone by abusing me saying she’s done nothing I’m paranoid and it’s not fair on anyone’ when she answered she actually just said - oh it’s you. And the conclusion was well I’m only being civil now as your the mother of my grandchildren otherwise you’d be dead to me. This is all because I blocked her on bloody Facebook because I was sick of seeing all the ass licking two faced crap 💩

So since then we haven’t been in contact much at all but she completely ghosts me on everything and all I see is her brown nosing the other grandchildren meanwhile our baby doesn’t exist in her eyes.

Step kids refuse to visit her now as the rows at Xmas we’re traumatic between mil and FIL (who stuck up for us) and she ended up smashing things all over the floor with babies and toddlers around.

Jimjamjong Tue 12-Mar-19 22:58:02

so did you unblock her?
and you accepted that your FIL lived in your house but refused to speak to you?

I am just putting that here...

Lizmum1 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:05:22


I did have to unlock her because of the arguments it caused between dh and his parents. It was one of those things where I just felt to be a bigger person and apologise without meaning it blush to which she had me in tears during the phone call.

I did it to stop relationship problems between my and dh as the stress was badly affecting me and I was heavily pregnant with a toddler and we were arguing and I was in tears most days.

FIL still lives here because I didn’t want to make a pensioner live in his car and knew this would really affect my dh. FIL is a decent person he just feels he has to side with his wife. He is usually very kind and does dote on my dcs although not very well house trained confused

CalmdownJanet Tue 12-Mar-19 23:06:05

What is it they say the definition of madness is? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!
You are indeed mad! His parents are horrible, ungrateful assholes, and they will continue to be while you lay down a be a doormat for them.

1. Block her on fb. When she freaks out and calls screaming, hang up, and keep hanging up
2. Fil, you can stay until the end of the month. Sleeping in the car? Oh well, be sure to wrap up won't you.
3. Mother's Day. She's not your mother, so whatever your dh does let him off, do not do anything
4. Car broken down? Enjoy your walk bitch! Do not give her your car
5. Slags you off "God you are rude, get out of my house and don't come back until you can keep a civil tongue in your head"
6. Airport runs? If you can afford a holiday you can afford a taxi to the airport

Just because she gave birth to your husband does not mean you have to take shit from her. She has no respect for because you have none for yourself, stand up for yourself! And tell your dh to do the same, but do not wait for him to do it first, you start standing up for yourself regardless

ThreeBagsFullofWool Tue 12-Mar-19 23:06:24

TL;DR overload. shock

But the gist of it seems to be MIL is a two-faced hag who plays favourites. Go LC.

7yo7yo Tue 12-Mar-19 23:08:06

Your DH is just as bad.
You’ll never change things your too scared.

7yo7yo Tue 12-Mar-19 23:11:27

Your trying to win their approval. It’s never going to happen. Awful people.

Lizmum1 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:16:02

Dh has nothing to do with her at all but she was giving him a load of crap at the time and my hormones were raging plus the awkwardness of his dad being here too and dh not wanting to make him homeless.

I see why you say dh is just as bad and I don’t have any respect for myself but it’s his mum at the end of the day he wasn’t sticking up for her he’s stuck up for me many times he just said to stop all the drama and stress to just appologise even though I wasn’t in the wrong.

The past year we’ve been a lot happier no contact what so ever but seeing all these posts does make be laugh and i do really feel for my dcs. And it’s affecting my step kids which is the main reason I posted. I’m not bothered about my relationship with her anymore but just very curious to why she is like this and was wondering if anyone has similar experience or if any mil on here could perhaps understand why she would be like this towards me for no reason ?

I suppose there’s not a answer to everything but I’m a kind person with a big heart and I get along with everyone so I just can’t understand why she hates me so much I’d love to know I’m genuinely interested it bugs me that I don’t know a reason.

Dh has asked a few times but shot down immediately that it’s nonsense but plenty of people see it I’m not making it up

Lizmum1 Tue 12-Mar-19 23:17:37

I mean you couldn’t bloody make this up LOL wink

NigellaAwesome Tue 12-Mar-19 23:18:13

You don't like her at all (understandably from what you have posted). So why do you crave her attention and approval? Why are you doing all these things such as lending cars, cooking, cleaning, bringing on holidays etc?

Why do you have her on social media?

Can you see you are being sucked into a drama, and that by giving you are expecting acknowledgement & approval which is never going to come?

Just stop. Cut her out. Stop caring.

I know you needed to vent, but that is just so so much stuff, I didn't even make it to the end.

FWIW, I think you & your DH and his ex seem to have a lovely co-parenting / blended family set up going on. Focus on that positive, and just cut the MIL from your thoughts and life.

ThreeBagsFullofWool Tue 12-Mar-19 23:20:53

Isn't there a FB feature that lets you unfollow or block updates from friends? So basically block her without blocking her.

Tbh, I'd be glad she's not interested in my children.

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