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To think ppl have no reason to get arsey when you start to play by their rules.

(10 Posts)
Gaolbird Tue 12-Mar-19 21:17:39

Eg 1. We live in a different country to some family members, so cards and presents have been sent as a regular thing. Since the start, I'd email to let them know when something arrived and say thanks, then a proper thanks again later when it was opened. In contrast, unless we asked, we wouldn't hear anything until months after the birthday (or whatever) when a written thank you card would arrive. All fine, if that's how they do it. However, if they don't hear something has arrived with us, sometimes even before it's had chance to get here, there are questioning emails. I started doing the same as them a little while back, ie not notifying on arrival, and it has caused a lot of bad feeling from them!

Eg 2. A close family member, late for things 9 times out of 10. No good reason, just doing one last chore before setting out, or not watching the time or whatever. I used to be on time for everything and consequently left waiting by myself, so started being a bit later too. Hasn't gone down well.

Eg 3. Friend who always promises things but never delivers. I no longer see why I should either. Again, some bad feeling developed.

Why is it OK for some ppl to be flakey, yet make you feel bad when you do the same? I don't think it's unreasonable to put the same amount of effort into a relationship that the other ppl put in. Although it took me a while to realise this. AIBU?

Guineapiglet345 Tue 12-Mar-19 21:29:38

I’ve had this too with someone who was always late, so I turned up late and they’d gone home because I wasn’t there. What I’ve come to realise is that they are selfish people who you’re better off without.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 12-Mar-19 21:34:53

They're doing it because it's part of their personality, you're doing to …. prove a point? Have you made the point?

WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 12-Mar-19 21:39:50

When you say that when you've mirrored their behaviour it hasn't gone down well, how do they behave towards you? Is there anger? Have you pointed out to them that they have done the same to you so you thought this was how they wanted to be treated?
It would piss me off too so I completely understand why you've mirrored their behaviour back at them.

Nairobe Tue 12-Mar-19 21:45:32

Self absorbed and selfish people rarely like it when you dance to a different tune...

Di11y Tue 12-Mar-19 21:50:19

surely the sensible equivalent to no. 1 is message to check arrival?

youarenotkiddingme Tue 12-Mar-19 21:53:22

I hear you!

I also get people assuming something is wrong because I'm applying their standards to our relationship.

My more confident self just says "why do you assume something's wrong because I did/didn't do x?"

Usually reply is "because you always do".

I'm open and honest that yes, I do, but it takes x amount of time and effort which I can't spare for everyone so spare for those who will return the time and effort.

I have defat and mostly it's more people notice the change in your habits - rather than an expectation you live to higher standards.

Gaolbird Tue 12-Mar-19 22:18:19

They're doing it because it's part of their personality, you're doing to …. prove a point? Have you made the point?

Not at all! It takes a bit more effort to email ppl before you forget, arrange things to be on time, etc, and previously I'd feel bad if I'd say I'd do something then didn't make the effort to get round to it. So I guess I have relaxed my standards and put less effort in, and not felt bad about it because that's what happens from their side. It's not about making a point at all grin. If it's okay for them, why isn't it OK for me? I don't think it's as simple as it's their personality to not care about meeting on time, for example, as they'd get to work on time...

I'm open and honest that yes, I do, but it takes x amount of time and effort which I can't spare for everyone so spare for those who will return the time and effort.

Maybe I should point this out too...

surely the sensible equivalent to no. 1 is message to check arrival?

Yup, I have no problem with that, but why do I need to message each and every time to follow it up, when surely the easier and more polite thing to do is for them to send a quick message saying when it arrives? That's less effort all round. One message each, not potentially a number of messages from each side.

Gaolbird Tue 12-Mar-19 22:22:18

When you say that when you've mirrored their behaviour it hasn't gone down well, how do they behave towards you? Is there anger?
Yes, that's the 'getting arsey' bit. Seems that they have become accustomed to me making the effort, and get peeved and insulted if I dont, despite the fact that's exactly how they behave.

Have you pointed out to them that they have done the same to you so you thought this was how they wanted to be treated?

No, I felt it was too confrontational at the time blush

BigButtonsOnMyPhone Tue 12-Mar-19 22:31:03

I share your pain.

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