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To think this is a cheeky way to invite someone to a wedding.

(153 Posts)
ThereWillBeAdequateFood Tue 12-Mar-19 17:45:19

This is the second time someone’s done this recently.

Received a message from bride to be. “Just checking if you are free on XXXth August”

I replied “I think so, haven’t book a holiday yet.”

She replies “Great that’s our wedding day, so glad you will be able to make it.”

The invite arrives a few weeks later for an evening invite. So I feel committed to the bloomin thing - I’m now meant to sort out holidays and child care around an evening invite to her wedding.

Am I being a bit of a bitch, I feel really annoyed by this.

OffToBedhampton Thu 14-Mar-19 22:58:07

@redwitch I think you read it wrong. OP received an evening wedding invite that she has now replied to. She had texts before that asking if she was free then text effectively saying 'great you can come to my wedding now I know you are free'. And it turned out to be an evening invite
She was bamboozled by an excited bride!

I kinda get her frustration. But also get why the bride might have gotten carried away and how she might want all her groups around her on her special day. OP has already replied to invite declining it. But is worried her acquaintance will try to pin her down when she sees her next on why she can't make it having said she probably had no plans at that time yet on that day (without knowing why).

It appears to be a single person evening invite to a wedding evening quite a distance away in middle of holiday period. I have to say I am not a fan of those, unless it's a close friend and a group of my friends are going, as it can be very lonely. Or it can be great fun!! but expensive to fund childcare, outfit, present, taxis there and back for a distance wedding just for an evening. So I get why OP is baulking at possibly £150+ just for a few hours in an evening and fitting her holidays around it.

A close friend yes, but a less close friend /acquaintance is harder to justify expense for, unless it's something she really was excited to attend!

redwitch5 Wed 13-Mar-19 10:00:56

If I'm reading this right, and I hope I am, then OP can't go. Darling, ThereWillBe, you haven't actually received an invitation wink
And it's the height of bad manners to show up uninvited. So simply don't go and when she asks later, point out that she never invited you.
Of course this all goes out the window if you receive an invite before August. Then you may accept or decline as you so please.

GrubbyHipsterBeard Wed 13-Mar-19 09:16:06

I agree it was presumptuous OP because she assumes that regardless of what time, where it is, logistics, cost etc you’ll defrinitely think her evening do is worth attending.

Be interesting to see her reply...

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 09:15:22

I think maybe it's because all too often the evening do is an afterthought with no real consideration for the guests - tales of showing up for an evening do and the day guests are still not finished so the evening guests are stood outside, sometimes literally, for a long period of time with no drinks or food; no food at all (one bride on here said her caterer said it all goes to waste so had nothing but bowls of jelly sweets and lollies on the tables as the only food in the evening besides biscuits and cake); overpriced drinks; no seating; all manner of just no thought shit. Yet the invitation still comes with cash gift requests. Or you get couples who take offence at those who decline evening invitations. Or an invitation for travel to see us marry in church, then fuck off whilst the A-listers get a meal, then come back is issued.

ThereWillBeAdequateFood Wed 13-Mar-19 09:10:32

Let us know what she replies

If she goes all bridezilla I’ll let you know grin hopefully most people are right and I’m massively overthinking this.

BlackCatSleeping Wed 13-Mar-19 09:08:44

Let us know what she replies grin

ThereWillBeAdequateFood Wed 13-Mar-19 09:02:29

Anyway. I don’t like it when people start with “What are you doing on X date. I do see it as being sneaky

livingon and carrot my thoughts exactly. My own fault. One day I’ll learn.

Anyway rsvp is sent, apologising that I won’t be able to come.

carrotflinger Wed 13-Mar-19 08:57:27

I also find it cheeky when people ask "Are you free on x date?" before explaining why they are asking. It's done on purpose in a lot of cases so that you can't wriggle out of whatever it is by saying you aren't free.
I've been burnt by this in the past and quickly learned to say "I'm not sure, I'll have to check. Why?"

Livingoncake Wed 13-Mar-19 08:56:59

DH and I once got invited to an evening do. We completely forgot to attend. We sent profuse and mortified apologies when we realised, but I doubt the bride and groom would have noticed or cared, really.

Anyway. I don’t like it when people start with “What are you doing on X date. I do see it as being sneaky. Example:

Friend 1: Are you busy a week from Saturday?
Friend 2: I don’t think so, why?
Friend 1: Great, you can help me move house!

See what I mean? If someone opens with “Are you busy” I always think I’m about to be railroaded into something I don’t want to do, and they’ve just made it that much harder for me to give an excuse.

rosablue Wed 13-Mar-19 08:56:04

Tell her that you’re sorry, you didn’t realise she was talking about the evening, you thought she was talking about the daytime and that you already have plans for the evening.

That those plans are avoiding spending £50 on an acquaintance’s wedding in the middle of nowhere is besides the point. And I think you should make those plans for anentire year, right now, in case anyone else comes along or in case she thinks you are picking on her. (Not that you should tell her those plans!)

XiCi Wed 13-Mar-19 08:54:22

You'd be massively annoyed Whereareyouspot that a friend checked you were free to come to her wedding? Er, right OK then. Back in the real world most people want to celebrate a friends wedding.

NannyRed Wed 13-Mar-19 08:48:15

It’s an invitation, not a summons, just say no and if pressed explain you can’t get childcare.

Whereareyouspot Wed 13-Mar-19 08:43:52

Why is OP getting a hard time?

It was a totally presumptuous text from the bride and I’d be massively annoyed too

Declining an invite is easy but declining an invite when you have already been duped into saying you are free is much harder

Yes OP can say she’s booked a holiday or whatever but we all know the bride will consider that a snub even tho it wouldn’t be.

I’d be frustrated and PO too OP.

Catalicious Wed 13-Mar-19 08:40:04

If she asks, you can simply say - 'I didn't realise you were asking because of your wedding. That's much harder to attend and I can't afford the childcare and cab costs'.

It's unlikely she'll ask though - it sounds like she's trying to gauge people so that she doesn't send out evening invites needlessly.

Thegreymethod Wed 13-Mar-19 08:38:12

Why is being invited to a wedding seen as such a big deal even if it's the evening it's a night out possibly with other friends and family it's supposed to be fun! Food and drinks! Like I said earlier I had evening guests but only local and anyone who's had to travel came all day. Now I've thought about it we've gone to evening only and travelled and stayed in a hotel (old school friends etc who we don't see often but was a nice reason to see again) we didn't pull our faces and feel like B list we're just mature enough to realise that we're not the closest people to them!

FuckertyBoo Wed 13-Mar-19 08:26:48

People really do feel obliged to attend weddings for some reason, so it’s not so unusual to worry about turning it down.

I used to accept every wedding day invitation, even if it was inconvenient to attend and I didn’t know the couple all that well.

I think it’s because I was always so touched at being invited and because it was their special day etc and felt it was nice they wanted me to be part of it.

I’m quite brutal now. I only go if it works for me as well / it’s a very close friend or family.

I’ve never travelled for evening dos though; there is a huge difference- as someone up thread said, it’s often the ‘B list’ who gets invited to the evening only! That doesn’t feel great, if it’s a good friend asking.

And that’s why it was a little bit strange of the bride to feel the need to confirm the op was coming in advance, when she only wanted her at the evening do. If she doesn’t care if she attends or not, why the confirmation? Just send the damn invitation and wait for the response like a normal person.

I mean, it’s not a big deal and yes, the op should just politely say “no thank you”, but it’s not that surprising to me that she finds that hard, as it can sometimes be quite hard to say no to wedding invitations. Not for me these days - ICE COLD 😎 wink.

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 08:21:47

Well, of course it is, Gwen, no one has said differently hmm.

Fishwifecalling Wed 13-Mar-19 08:21:37

I get exactly where you are coming from.

keepforgettingmyusername Wed 13-Mar-19 08:21:18

'just rsvp no and if she questions it,
say sorry i got a better offer and as i was on the "B" list for your wedding i thought it wouldn't bother you if i didn't come then lol guess that makes you my "B" list lol'

Or alternatively she could just be normal confused

Gwenhwyfar Wed 13-Mar-19 08:17:33

Coffee - it's up to them if they want to do that.
I've done church and evening do, but obviously only if local.
It's up to each person whether they accept an invitation and how much they spend on a gift.

coffeeismyspinach Wed 13-Mar-19 08:14:05

Surely people don't travel for the evening party? The evening party only thing is for local guests isn't it? And you don't need to buy an expensive gift if you're only invited to the evening.

Oh, you'd be surprised. Plenty do! And even go so far as expect such guests to make up numbers at the church and then fuck off till it's time for the disco, over-priced drinks and maybe a sandwich, but bring that cash gift! And plenty of silly suckers who believe you should hand over 50 quid or so for that.

TonightJosephine Wed 13-Mar-19 08:11:12

I wouldn't pretend you've been invited to another wedding. It rings false and sounds like you're just making a point about not wanting to be invited for evening only. Just wait a few weeks and decline the invitation, saying thanks but unfortunately I can't make it after all, hope you have a lovely day. Don't give a reason.

If she pressures you to know why (which would be odd, but not impossible) just say you're now thinking of going on holiday at that time and don't want to mess her around.

MarthasGinYard Wed 13-Mar-19 08:06:12

XiCi

X post

MarthasGinYard Wed 13-Mar-19 08:05:37

Rearrange some hypothetical holiday that isn't even booked on the strength of one text grin

Bloody hell Op

Do you give yourself headaches??

XiCi Wed 13-Mar-19 08:05:08

How do you actually manage to navigate your way through life if you get this offended about being asked if you're free to attend a party. FFS if it's that much of an effort then don't go. Why the big issue and the fake excuses and the drama of telling her you're coming then making up excuses at the last minute. Just weird.

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