... to think my PILs want me out of the picture with dd? Another In-Laws Rant...(11 Posts)
Oh don't you just love a good ILs rant... honest opinions please!
In-laws visited yesterday. They really love my dd (16 weeks) and make a huge fuss of her. She seems to enjoy it apart from when they frighten her by sticking their faces too close into hers and making a huge racket (MIL a soprano!). Then she cries, but will they hand her over? Will they hell. I have to go over and basically force the situation (one of these moments accidentally grabbing my MIL's boob oops! But gives you some idea of how reluctant she is to give my dd back to me.)
I wouldn't mind that so much, but what annoys me is the way that both of them freeze me out when they're with us. It's as if they want to pretend that my dd is really theirs. The body language says it all: they crowd round her, with their backs to me and dh, and if they get her in their arms that's it, they're off! Into another room, and that will be it for hours.
Also, they seem to get quite annoyed when dh or I make suggestions as to how to handle dd. For example, FIL can't keep his hands off her, he's always poking and prodding, and then is surprised when she cries. We try to tell him that she likes facial expressions rather than body contact, and he completely ignores us and just carries on.
Same with MIL, she really doesn't want to hear me interpreting dd's expression/movements for her. She wants to work them out for herself (and coming to completely the wrong conclusion usually!) So I have to grit my teeth and stand by.
She is generally supportive of my breast feeding, but thinks that it means dd is all for me and not for anyone else and is quite sorrowful about that aspect of it. I suppose it does mean that a bit, but there's not much I can or want to do about that!
I used to get on with them well but I can see this causing problems.
I know it's great that she will have a good relationship with her GPs and honestly, I know my situation is so much preferable to those MNers whose parents / in-laws don't give a damn about their GCs.
But AIBU to be annoyed that they want to pretend I don't exist and that my dd is all theirs??? Be honest, I can take it...
but there's feck all you can do about it
it's Their Job to be like this
it's yours to be fed up
but you get to keep her when they go home
You say they do the same to your dh as well so it's not just directed to you. Sounds like they are just enjoying getting to know their new grandchild.
They miss their own babies, that's all. It must be annoying to have to deal with, but they finally have a baby they are related to and they can barely restrain thenselves.
You get to keep her. If she is crying, take her back and calm her down, then hand her back, and remind them, they have the rest of her life.
I imagine, as a mum of boys myself, that mother in laws are scared of losing contact with their grandchildren - really they are just as related as your own mother is, but their contact with her is very much at your whim, and you are not their daughter, and they can't predict you like your own mother can. They are loving her while they have her in case you change your mind and move to Morocco or something.
I have a good relationship with my in laws but it has taken 3 and a bit years to get there. When my DD1 was born my MIL was exactly the same as yours. We would visit or they would come over. As soon as we answered the door they would barge through without a hello or bugger you - go straight to my daughter and coo at her, jiggly her about which she hated and generally made me and my DH feel left out.
BUT this is grandparents for you especially the first time grandparents.
MIL is still like this (FIL has learnt) and I have learnt to accept it. Go out of the room and do other things and when your DD is older (about 10months) her body language will let her grandparents know what she wants. Plus the 'novelty' of a new baby will wear off.
It is hard and bl**dy annoying but hopefully it will get better.
what is it with inlaws and the grandmother, sticking her face i baby's face.
my mother in law, doesnt see dd now 5 often, as they are from germany, yes germany.
overzealous oma + not much time spent with dd + german language/loudness ==
one seriously over cosseted, alarmed child.
I know its annoying, but its such a thrill for them, and I know you just want to stand there, and say 'stay away from the baby', yet its a longtime they have watied to be grandparents.
I used to hate them ignoring me about what dd liked, or maybe its cos I couldnt speak german
also, I love my ex mum inlaw too, but when they get that glint in their eyes, theres no stopping them.
I don't think your being unreasonable as i can see this would be very annoying for you, try not to take it personally they are probably just excited about having a beautiful grandchild i'm sure they will chill out a bit soon enough
((.....maybe you could use it to your advantage if they're happy to look after her why don't you and dh nip out for a walk together or out for lunch ))
don't take it personally, I'm sure that (especially as you say you used to get on well) they are just excited of having a lovely grandaughter and want to find their own way of relating to her. Many people can't resist a tiny baby!
I've had this issue with my mother-out-of-law and my elder stepson - both of them were totally unaware that they were invading my daughter's personal space and frightening her.
My partner had words with his mother (and also got his father to have words) about this and both of us have had words with my elder stepson - in fact, we still have to remind him at times not to invade her space - he's always wanting to kiss and prod her, and now that she's 2.8 she fights back rather than runs away in fright.
So - make a point about expecting others to respect your child's personal space. It's important for your child to learn that she does not have to be kissed/hugged if she doesn't want to.
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